Due to a tear in the time-space continuum, the following, which appears to be a wish list for a New Hollywood Squares pilot episode for Fall 2030, found its way into my email box. Sender: The Future.

Executive Producer and Host – Ryan Seacrest

Because the California legislature passed a law that only Ryan Seacrest is allowed to Executive Produce and host television shows that feature competition, we have no choice here. However, since the law was passed several unscrupulous producers (is there another kind?) legally changed their names to Ryan Seacrest. Your guess is as good as mine as to which Ryan Seacrest we will be getting.

The Squares

Person Who You’re not sure why they are famous: The South Bound End of a North Bound Kim Kardashian

Kim’s rear was surgically removed and lo and behold, it was much more interesting to talk to. Its career has taken on a life of its own and will be a big draw for the show.  

Former Child Star(s): The Gosslin Children

Since the kids went into seclusion after their show was cancelled and their parents split, the American public will be more then interested in seeing if this group is the train wreck their parents made them or if they are surprisingly well adjusted. Not even the producers will know until taping begins.

Bawdy Gay Guy: Tom Cruise

That’s right. He’s here. He’s queer. And he’s no longer ambiguous about it. An icon for Gay America since he came out in 2015, Tom’s weekly musical variety show was a huge hit from 2019 through late last year when he called it quits amidst rumors that he was really straight.  

Former Reality Star and Senior Senator from New Jersey: Snooki

To make up for the stereotyping of Italian-Americans in Jersey Shore, MTV helped fund Snooki’s first campaign for Senate in 2016. Her two terms were notable for her lead in saving Social Security and balancing the budget by passing a surcharge tax on self tanner and hair spray — mostly her own.

Puppet: Elmo

After being picked up on suspicion of piracy off the coast of Sesame Street, Elmo was let off on the claim that he was only a “make believe pirate.” This did not stop the Obama administration, then in its 4th term (after rewriting the Constitution so that not-so-smart people would understand it) from expanding the war on terror to include furry, red monsters. Nevertheless, since America is now post-racial and post-species — thanks to advanced stem cell research and cross animal cloning — and since he is just so darn cute, Elmo is back and bigger than ever. A huge get. 

Washed Up Sports Personality: Ochocinco

Sick of his on the field antics, America finally turned on Ochocinco in 2011, throwing him into a deep depression. With reduced production on the field, he was cut by the Cincinnati Bengals and picked up by the Detroit Lions, never to be heard from again — until now.  

Performer way past her prime: Miley Cyrus

Coming to grips with her prepackaged pop stardom, Miley broke with her standard style of music and released a Goth album in 2014. Critically panned and poorly received by the public and her disillusioned die hard fans who had initially thought life was just one big party in the USA,  Montana Moon Rising: Music Inspired by (but not authorized by the creators of) Twilight marked the end of the dominance of the Hannah Montana star. Lawsuits ensued and the sadness of working dinner theater productions of Nine To Five — as a waitress, not a performer — finally woke her inner demons. Now attempting a comeback after a third stint in rehab, Miley will provide a nostalgic touch for those old enough to remember. 

Person of Substance: Jesus

Good News: He has risen and since the Liberal elite had all religion banned in 2017, he’s available.

 

Center Square: Joan Rivers

Tweet  Print This Post

Tags: art & entertainment, television // Add Comment »