Tiger Woods collects a particular type of lady, specifically “my wife after she’s been pumped full of collagen and locked in a tanning booth for a weekend.” I’ve wondered, Is this the sort of woman Tiger genuinely desires, or as a married celebrity seeking no-strings sex is this simply the kind of gal you deal with? (Much like if you seek to hang with basketball players, you better tolerate tall folk.) Disturbingly, we’ve learned it’s by choice, as a report suggests Tiger employed at least two whore wranglers.

Yes, apparently two of the reported mistresses were actually “hostesses.” They weren’t sluts…they were just paid at least $10,000 a month to find him sluts. That means the bulk of these conquests weren’t random connections at a bar: they were handpicked as Tiger’s preferred prey. And this leads to the question raised in an interesting yet creepy column and one I’m sure Elin’s asking as she cries herself to sleep at night: why isn’t Tiger banging a far more varied array of trollops?

Tiger Woods has always been a complicated matter racially, one that’s taught us a valuable lesson about America: once we get beyond black and white, white people get confused and go back to talking about black and white. It’s universally known Tiger is the first truly great African-American golfer…but did you know he’s also the first truly great Thai-American golfer? And the first truly great Chinese-American golfer? And the first truly great Native American golfer? And for that matter, the first truly great Dutch-American golfer?

That last eighth of his background is the most interesting part to me, because every time I see another Tiger tart, I can’t help thinking: I bet this skank has ancestors from the Netherlands.

Maybe we’ll look back on this scandal and realize it wasn’t about a deeply selfish man indulging his basest desires, but just a guy celebrating his ethnic heritage.

__ of the Moment appears each week.

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