Thank god for Google Alerts. What a treat it was to check my e-mail and read about a “tiger trainer” being mauled by his “trainees.”

(My use of quotation marks will explain itself.)

According to a story in the Guardian, attendees at a “Dinner Circus” in Hamburg, Germany were treated to a little improv during the appetizer course when a “tiger trainer” named Christian Walliser “was attacked after he stumbled during the show.”

Naturally, I got all warm and fuzzy reading that, though I have no idea why, according to the story, “200 guests watched in horror as Walliser was pinned to the ground by the tigers.”

Why they “watched in horror” is beyond me. Shit, I’d have tipped the tigers for making the show entertaining.

I’m sure you want to know how serious Mr. Walliser’s injuries are. According to the Guardian article, “Doctors amputated Walliser’s left hand and said he had suffered serious head and chest injuries in the attack. He remains in a critical condition.”

Personally, I don’t give a shit about Mr. Walliser. I care about his “trainees.”

Rather than go off on a rant about the exploitation of animals and the much-deserved mauling Mr. Walliser received courtesy of his “trainees,” I’d like to share a few of my favorite lines from this and other stories about the alleged “attack.”

From the Guardian story:

“A police investigation was launched into the incident but a spokesman said initially there did not appear to be any suspicious circumstances.”

The only thing I find suspicious is the lack of slow-motion video of the mauling.

From a Spiegel Online story:

“A police spokesperson said the incident seemed to be a ‘workplace accident.'”

I wonder if Spiegel Online is looking for a workplace-accident critic …

Some of the comments posted in response to a story in the Local are downright beautiful.

Here are a few of my favorites (in all their grammatically challenged, excessively punctuated glory):

Someone posting under the name “design” wrote: “Germans should have learned their lessons with siegfreid and roy.. tigers and lions like the taste of Germans..”

“Frenemy” wrote: “I’m sorry for the affected families and whatnot, but…..hahahaha! It’s a big freakin feline death-machine!! Why do people have so much difficulty understanding such simple concept?! These fools deserve the ‘darwin-award’…. ”

“AdenBrill” wrote: “Good, let’s hope he has a slow and painful death and that all his faily suffer for his wickedness. Cruel basta*rds like that deserve no mercy. ”

And then “Frenemy” again: “@adenbrill: was that sarcasm? In any case, I think such circus tricks should be tried with leopards or pumas/cougars….I just wanna be there to see what happens (tigers and lions are probably the most tolerant/domesticated of predatory cats).”

I also found links to some other delicious-looking stories.

On the same page as its story about Mr. Walliser and his “trainees,” UPI.com (United Press International) provides links to “Related Stories.” Tell me these headlines aren’t enticing:

“Canadian hiker killed by coyotes”

“Bear mauls nine in Japan bus terminal”

“Tiger kills employee at Vietnamese zoo”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pour a bowl of Frosted Flakes and read these stories …

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