I’m not going to sit here and reiterate the blog I wrote back in July about kids watching TV, specifically Noggin, which for the record is no longer Noggin. Now it’s Nick Jr., for real. What the hell? They can just drop the name of a network overnight? A little warning would have been nice. I nearly had a panic attack searching for Noggin on September 28, 2009 — a Monday, no less. Like I don’t have enough problems on Monday morning, now I had to deal with this shit? Not a very nice way to start the week. Thanks douchey executives at Nickelodeon, I appreciate the heads-up.

Thankfully, other than a logo change, there didn’t seem to be any significant changes from the day before. Moose A. Moose and Zee were still singing that irritatingly contagious “We’re Going on a Trip,” song and Max and Ruby were still rearing their ugly parent-less heads. The planet was back on its axis and all was right in the universe again.

In any case, let’s get to today’s topic: Television, and why your kids are fat because of it. Now we all know that everyone has an opinion on kids and TV. We’ve had this conversation already. But it seems that Australia is looking to take it one step further and actually ban TV for kids under two. For real. I’ve heard all the arguments about television’s impact on speech, social interaction and all that other bullshit that’s totally not true. But my favorite part of the whole article is where they say that curbing TV-time will help stop the spread of obesity in small children. HA-HA. Seriously. They said that.

You want to curb the obesity problem? Stop feeding your kids Cheetos and ice cream. Don’t blame the TV. Blame the stupid parents who pump their kids full of garbage and don’t take their kids out. I totally agree that you need to get your kids outside and involved and run them around. I’m a big advocate of taking my daughter out as much as possible when health and weather permit. Sports, activities, whatever it may be — it’s a necessity for all kids. But if that’s not happening, it’s not the TV’s fault, it’s the parents fault! Don’t ban the television, ban the parents!

When a children’s network (Noggin, in this case) calls recess for three hours over the weekend to encourage you to get out and play with your kids, you have to stop and wonder why. I don’t know if they’re still doing this now that they’ve switched to Nick, Jr., but I have to say that when a friend first told me about this, I was annoyed. Who are you to tell me when my kid should or shouldn’t watch TV? Screw you Noggin! But then I thought about it and realized how sad it actually is. If even the network is calling a “time-out” and telling the parents to take their kids outside, then even they are recognizing the fact that too many parents out there are over-using the TV.

Parents — If you’re plopping your kid down in front of the TV, throwing a bag of chips at them and leaving them there for hours and hours — then you’re an asshole. And if your kid is fat or obese — it’s your fault!

How about we let Australia do what they do best, OK? Produce and then send us people such as Hugh Jackman, Toni Collette, Isla Fisher (hubba hubba) and Eric Bana to look at and enjoy — on the big screen and ironically — on TV.

Going Parental appears every Thursday.

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