Certain words in the English language make me cringe. There is one in particular that I have never liked, even before I had a child. Now that I have one, I really don’t want to hear this word. It’s not the “F” word. It’s the fucking “A” word. Autism.

Fortunately, my son has been healthy from his first few days in the hospital. No jaundice. No trouble gaining weight. No problems sleeping. The kid hasn’t even had a runny nose since birth. Recently, I took him for a routine visit with the pediatrician, who gave him the recommended vaccinations for his age. Although he seemed fine afterward, a few days later he developed a red bump near one of the injection sites, sending me into a minor panic. Then he started acting strangely, behaving in ways that were unlike him. I was uneasy, particularly after the appearance of that little red bump. The signs were too subtle, though, so I kept anxiously watching him for more drastic behavior changes. I checked some websites that listed the signs of autism, but it was difficult for me to distinguish his burgeoning personality from a potential behavioral issue. Eventually, his week of odd behavior ended, and I breathed a short sigh of relief. But how long do I have to wait before we are in the clear? How long must I look for signs of behavior change or a developmental delay before I’m taking him for a full diagnostic workup, hoping not to hear the – (gulp) – “A” word?

My fears most likely stem from an attempt to make sense of the overwhelming and sometimes conflicting information on vaccines and autism. I’ve been assured by the the medical community that no link exists between the two, that vaccines are safe, and that they save us from life-threatening infectious diseases. That last part I don’t deny. In the United States, many of the common infectious diseases of a hundred years ago have all but been eliminated. The eradication of infectious diseases through vaccination is a major achievement in public health. But what about the safety of these vaccines? Is it really harmless for kids to get so many immunizations? And why has autism increased so much over the years? Could it be from all the vaccines that are being administered to children?

I recognize that these kinds of questions need to be answered through rigorous scientific study. If the people who do this for a living say that no association has been established between vaccines (or their preservatives) and autism, then most likely one does not exist. However, why does a little voice inside my head tell me not to be so trusting?

Maybe I’ve seen Jenny McCarthy too many times on television. Jenny has become the face of concerned mothers everywhere, claiming her son’s autism may have been triggered by a vaccine. In her book, Healing and Preventing Autism, she and co-author Dr. Jerry Kartzinel make a compelling argument. First, they list the preservatives in vaccines. I’ll admit it’s a long and scary list. Second, they claim that they number of vaccines children receive is far too many in too short a time period. Third, they argue that many vaccinations occur too early in childhood development. Take the book’s example of the Hepatitis B vaccine. The first dose is usually administered to a newborn immediately after birth, regardless of whether or not the mother has the disease. Hepatitis B is a blood-borne disease, transmitted through infectious blood or body fluids. What is the risk of a newborn contracting Hepatitis B? I’m not a doctor, and I don’t play one on this site, but the risk seems small to me. So what’s the rush to get three doses of Hepatitis B vaccine by six months of age? Jenny might have a valid point.

Vaccines protect us from terrible illness, but does my son have to be a human pin cushion every time he goes to the doctor? As of right now, he’s received twenty-one shots and he’ll be getting many more. Jenny McCarthy’s non-profit, Generation Rescue, presents this comparison. According to Generation Rescue, the vaccine schedule included ten shots in 1983. Today, thirty-six shots are recommended for children. Is there any connection at all with this increase and the increase in the number of autism cases? One explanation for the rise in autism is that it is recognized and diagnosed more frequently now than a few decades ago, but is this the only reason that the rate of autism has increased? Can I be sure that these two pieces of data are completely unrelated?

Living with a child with autism can be a difficult journey. Many parents do it gracefully, but there is no doubt that it can be trying. Jenny McCarthy’s scientific method may be lacking, but I understand her motives. I’m waiting with bated breath for my son to say his first words. It’s the part of this motherhood gig that I’m most looking forward to. But what if he never says anything at all? I’d be heartbroken, as I’m sure many parents are when they discover that their child may never speak.

There’s no doubt that I lost a good portion of my marbles when I became a parent, but I have enough left to know this: all parents should be concerned, not just the parents of autistic children. Not only does the medical establishment seem to close the book on this debate, but state governments continue to add new vaccines to the already long list of immunizations children must receive before starting school or daycare. Get ready to add another one to that list, the H1N1 flu vaccine. Some of these vaccines are certainly needed. Others may not be needed, at least not so early in life. Are they being required because it’s a matter of life and death or because a pharmaceutical company needs its third quarter profit? Are we doing this because we should or because we can?

So what’s a parent to do? Do I listen to the medical community, trusting implicitly that the science gods are collecting the data and crunching the numbers correctly? Do I join Jenny McCarthy’s cause and demand a slower schedule and “green” vaccines? Or do I take my son to the pediatrician for his shots and spend the following two weeks biting my nails while searching for behavior and language regression? For now, I’m not sure what to do, so I’m going with the third option – full vaccination and full apprehension.

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