Obviously I take my movie watching somewhat seriously. I mean, I write a blog about it, and that’s a bit above and beyond where most people go with their movie watching. I try and walk a fine line between movie snob and movie goer, but there is one place where I seem to be the movie snob asshole guy, and that’s AT THE MOVIES!

Why am I the only person that stands up to the mouth breathing low-life that wants to talk throughout the movie? Why am I the only person asking the woman (who is not a doctor!) to stop talking on her cell phone during the movie? I see other people being bothered from the light emanating from that PDA being used in the dark room, but I’m the only one who’s going to say something? What’s up with that??

My wife would tell you that I’m a mal-adjusted individual, willing to enter into violence over things that should be ignored by any mature adult or even tween, but I would say that I am the last barrier between civilization and chaos. I seem to be the only person willing to stand up to the thugs and barbarians that pollute our environment. No, I don’t accept you littering, even on the dirtiest of streets and NO, you cannot make comments about the movie, even if it is a horror movie, or a comedy, or Heaven Forbid, a movie marketed for African Americans. The latter of which, I have basically quit seeing in the theater, because…

There are certain risky behaviors that I participate in that I realize may cause my death someday.

1. Biking in NYC. Chances are the last thing I will see is the front of a bus.

2. Driving fast. I got things to do and places to go. Instead of a cross on the side of the road marking my fiery demise, I’d rather a sign that says “If I hadn’t worn my seatbelt, I might have been thrown from the wreckage and lived!”

3. Eating a high protein, high carbohydrate diet. It’s like Atkins, but you also get to eat carbs. I call it the Alfreds diet.

4. Telling people to “shut the fuck up!” at movies. (Young, old, black, white, and everyone in between.)

I don’t live in Pleasantville, I live in the East Village, and every time I tell someone to shut their pie hole, I am taking a risk, but here’s the thing my little village peasants, it’s time to stand up to the banditos raiding your movie time. If, when I say “Shut the fuck up!”, you say “yeah!”, and everyone joins in in clapping and cheering my heroic efforts, you will lessen the chance of violence. A bully can’t take on the whole class, and you will be like the hero in the movie you’re watching on the screen. We, together, will save Western Society AND we’ll get a chance to actually see why we were wrong in paying $12.50 for the movie, rather than just glaring at the jerk who ruined your movie experience and made you feel like a coward.

Below are some guidelines on movie-watching etiquette, in case you are unaware:

1. Everyone gets ONE comment during the movie. After that you’re subject to a “SHH!”, then a “Please be quiet” and finally a “shut the fuck up” before I have to go over to your seat and bring the pain.

2. Age does not put you above the rules. “What did he just say?” is not appropriate even if you’re 90 and your Miracle Ear ran out of batteries. Either move closer to a speaker, or simply realize that you are too old to watch movies with the rest of us.

Same thing with kids. If its a kid’s movie, fine. There’s no stopping a kid from being a kid, or at least there shouldn’t be, but just because you couldn’t get a baby sitter, or just because you think little Timmy is ready for a grown-up movie, does not mean that he can talk during the movie. Little Timmy isn’t to blame for not understanding the movie or needing to go potty for the third time, you are, and while I won’t be violent in front of your child, I will let them know that they have a bad mommy, and they shouldn’t listen to mommy ever again.

3. Communication Devices have single handedly destroyed theater…or theatre, or however you want to spell it or say it. If I had been an actor on-stage before cell phones, I would have since quit after the 100th time a phone rang during a performance, and after the 10th time someone (not a doctor!) actually answered it and spoke during a performance. It’s not as bad at the movies, since live acting doesn’t occur, but if you pick up your phone while I’m in the theater, and think that cupping your hand over the phone will make that OK, I’ve got a five fingered surprise for you, and I’m also breaking your phone to boot!

No, you may not text, or email or do anything that shines light during a movie. Everyone gets one ring (oops, I forgot to turn off my phone despite the repeated requests to ” Please Turn Off All Cellular Phones And Pagers”) and one shine of light (What time is it?), after that, you have passed out of civility and the protections afforded to you by civilization. I assure you, you’ll wish you had stayed within those walls because I will ruin your day.

I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!

 

Cinema This Week appears every Friday at Noonish.

Tweet  Print This Post

Tags: art & entertainment, movies // 2 Comments »