Obama embraces cash position
Word on the Street is that Obama’s in cash. That’s right, contrary to earlier reports he’s not in guns, gold, and Geithner’s back pocket; further, we’re not talking “good as gold” blue-chip shares, inflation-linked bonds, or treasury notes. When asked about his failure to own good ol’ U-S-A treasury notes, Obama responded, “Would you invest in a country that owes over a trillion dollars and hasn’t built a decent car in thirty years?”
So where does Obama keep the cash? In the Dutch-owned bank you orange over every morning? Far from it. Our team of sleuthes dug deep undercover on White House grounds to search for the Obama loot.
As it turns out the “dog” we know, love, and have debated so much about is in fact its own Trojan horse. Yes, we retrieved indisputable proof that both “Bo” and his bones are in fact sophisticated robotics technology that simulates the real while offering flame-resistant storage space for paper currency. On explaining why he prefers to keep twenties in the dog with hunchies and grand-o-bama bills in the bones, Obama said, “Brother, do you know the meaning of ‘tasty treat’?”
Our crack reporter pursued Obama’s possible hypocrisy and mentioned to him he sounded an awful lot like King George (aka “I reckon I’ll Dubya debt and raise ya’ll 900 billion”) when talking up stocks a few weeks back. In order to get full responses—instead of the rhetorical genius our new fearless leader is so well known for—we slipped Obama the controversial “Clinton off the cuff” drug; it comes in a small paper package similar to one used for common cold remedies, but instead of relieving nasal congestion, it gives the recipient an uncontrollable urge to speak in excess.
After digesting the herbal remedy in which we stirred the magic mouth opener, Obama replied in bulky paragraphs. We felt it vital to render his words verbatim rather than present an edited version. And so Obama replied to our query on his predecessor’s similar thoughts on stock valuations.
“As I’ve said before, and I’ll say again, I’ve always felt George was a decent guy, basically a nice guy. I may disagree on areas concerning policy, but I like the guy. He didn’t smile as widely as Ronnie, but that doesn’t mean I never felt an urge to kiss him. Not an urge as much as an afterthought and never on the mouth, not on the cheek, and not at all like that warm sensation I felt when in the presence of her royal highness the other week. Michelle and I both agreed later that we understood the possibility of an international incident but could not resist a little extra touchy wuchy with the queen. We both agreed we would resist such feelings were we graced with the presence of Kim Jong Il or Vladimir Putin. I understand both of them are short, but that doesn’t mean I would refer to either man as a ‘shortie.’ I do not feel short people should be referred to as vertically challenged, nor do I cast aspersions on them if I accidentally refer to them as qualified for five-on-five hoop action at the Special Olympics.”
The reporter asked Obama then, if he agreed with Bush, that stocks were a good investment for the long run. Obama replied, “My weighty cash position is not the same as national policy. In fact, I withdrew my money from stocks, bonds, and accounts for electronic betting on NCAA sports well before the heated primary with Secretary of State Clinton. You hate Tyler Hansbrough? Good. I don’t hate the man, but I have caught this infectious bug, this national resentment of him. I can’t explain it really, but I know where the American people are coming from. Yeah, I know I picked Carolina to win it all, but I didn’t want to emphasize my brilliance and make you feel diminutive or dimwitted. But back to my national agenda, my goal then, as it is now, is to demonstrate to the American people that there are no favorites here. Do not think for a minute my bond holdings in GM were reduced from overweight to zero because I knew I was about to ruin a lot of retirements for union workers while sending Waggoner out for a walk with Bo the Robo-hound.
Our crack reporter scrambled to record and take notes as Obama waxed so verbose for a moment, we feared he was developing a nasty side effect from the secret formula. This is when a certain pastiness and puffiness begins to appear in the recipient of the potion, what we refer to as Clintonitis although truth be told it is not the Bill who is swelling but his speechifyin’ doppelganger. Thankfully, Obama held his belt size but spoke some more.
“And let me make this clear. I love America. I love American workers. As I’ve said in the past, I don’t want to kiss any Harvard MBAs on the mouth or cheek or even blow one European style to show I am willing to refresh and renew our relations with Old Europe. Both Bush and Waggoner are good guys but at Harvard Law we tend to look down on the Business School. Speaking of good guys, Vladimir Putin is a good guy too, and well, frankly, we can agree to disagree over whether or not Kim Jong Il would hold his weight if relocated to the Castro District in San Francisco. I see him doing surprisingly well there, no matter what my straight-acting friends of the sexually-challenged right have to say about these matters. I’m praying with Reverend Warren and listening to Jimmy Buffet as part of my new Southern strategy, but I’m listening only to Warren Buffet for financial advice. He told me to go with my gut and keep it legal, so I’m going to stick to cash for the next 7 ½ years. Were I a betting man, I suspect Reverend Warren would do better in Castro than any of my previous pastors. The man looks good in blue jeans; he can flirt in flannel if you catch my drift. But my buddy Dubya Buffett would have done quite well back in the day; in fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say he could have run the table. In fact, if he had danced on top of it with his shirt on the chandelier, I don’t think anyone would wince. When Warren wins all the chips, America wins, and it can’t hurt to have Melinda and Bill in on the deal. Did I mention mon cher Putinya looks good in denim? That’s not a lesson I learned from my grandmother.”
Our crack reporter next asked Obama about the falling dollar, China’s call for a “super reserve currency,” and America’s position in the world. Obama polished off a Boston Crème Doughnut and was once more moved to orate at length.
“When I moved to a cash position, it in no way inhibited me from trying out other positions, not in the bedroom and not on the court. Contrary to these nit-picky, silly black-bashing, white-wing websites, Michelle’s heft behind the thighs is not host to extra dollars. Believe me, you have to be young and active to plant all the gardens this country deserves. Michelle will be the first to tell you I save some energy for when I’m off the court. I’ll be the first to tell you Michelle could hold her own against any ladies seen in recent decades at White-House slumber parties. Laura and Hillary? Let me tell you, she is prepared to begin a special episode of America’s Top Model anytime Tyra places the call. Monica or the Bush twins? You would be impressed with how Michelle handles herself under pressure; she can compete with the younger generation. We sometimes joke we wish we had time for Dancing With the Stars. There’s a reason why Donald doesn’t want Michelle on The Apprentice. He knows who’s in charge.
“Further, I feel I’m still in an experimental stage in terms of determining how comfortable I feel with America’s position in the world. I’m okay with coming off the bench, but it’s apparent to me and those who know me that I’m significantly taller than all those short, anonymous guys we see lined up behind President Hu, but that doesn’t mean China is less of a friend to America. If I or my underlings tell you China is manipulating its currency, I promise we’ll take that back a week later. I’ll take it back to Geithner and drop it in his back pocket and tell him we need new material. My children have played with toys made in China, and my expectation is that my children’s children will at least read “Made in China” on their toys, presuming we’re still taught school in English, and even if due to economic progress the imported toys are technically manufactured in impoverished regions of the Americas. I’m thinking South of the Border more than South Dakota or Carolina, but I would like the American people to know I have an open mind.
“Speaking of openness, open doors, and that piece-of-crap can opener I bought at discount the other day, bad drywall and baby food aside, there are many things China and America agree upon. But let me state one thing clearly. I am against the death penalty save for the most egregious of crimes and you certainly can’t get me to comment on Mumia Abu Jamal no matter what kind of drug you slip me. I’d like to see Slick Willy handle a question on that one. Send him to Philly’s City Hall and challenge Bill to speak to the Mumia-ists and Faulkneristas at the same ceremony. You know and I know I’ve worked too hard, come to far, to say anything that might worsen tensions in Philadelphia. I will send a shout out to my peeps at Betsy Ross house of course, built with pride by African Americans back in the day.
“Speaking of slave wages, I know you reporters are hurting for bucks right now, and I know your journalism is not something we can easily train two thousand English majors from Shanghai to produce. Perhaps if we threw in two hundred senior editors from Bangalore, my boy Stanley Fish, and the woman with the PhD in English teaching my daughter the third grade at Sidwell Friends, well then, maybe we could make something happen. I embrace a globalized economy, but that’s not the position I’m taking on this issue or many more. I would certainly like all union employees to know—whether they make cars or steel or teach our kids in the public schools we avoid for our own children—that I understand your contributions to our great country so please don’t take it personally if we wind up restructuring your opportunity or downsizing your American Dream. Michelle will be sending ninety percent of her garden’s fruits and vegetables to responsible homeless shelters in your vicinity. Your kids will enjoy their two years of service to this great land, and I believe the capitalist model can survive with the proper regulation. Cash may be king but someone still has to run the country. I too have the urge to blame Cheney for the whole mess, and I know all you writer guys are decent voting liberals who helped get me this fine gig, and so I am asking for your support in this endeavor. Handle the Indian steel issue for me and there will be payback. We of the enlightened classes are aware of journalism’s necessary role in our society.”
Our reporter left before Obama could force upon him another paragraph. The drug had worked too well and our pen man needed to catch his breath and grab some lunch. So he sought out a dollar menu to refresh and refuel. After gobbling his rodeo burger, gnoshing his fries, and gulping his cola, he vowed to vote for the lean, rhetorical man a couple more times in 2012. He’d rather be promised free doctor’s visits than a reduced minimum wage, and he had to admit he liked the way our new fearless leader loomed over the shorter presidents and prime ministers who inhabit the current world stage.
Later at night, snug in his pajamas, our reporter had visions of Obama racing down the court in tar-heel blue; the American President leapt from the free-throw line and slammed the ball down over a packed-in defense of Medvedev, Ahmadinejad, Merkel, Chavez, and Sarkozy. The crowd cheered. The writer rolled off the bed and slept on the floor by his imaginary dog.
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