Entries Tagged as 'animals'

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that Amazon is offering audiobooks for dogs, top ten audiobooks for dogs

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10. In Cold Bloodhound

9. Slaughterhouse Canine

8. The Bitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

7. The Hound and the Fury

6. Jane Airedale

5. The Picture of Dorian Greyhound

4. Barkness at Noon

3. The Great Dane Gatsby

2. Love In the Time of Collie

1. The Adventures of Huckleberry Hound

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsart & entertainment

Top ten Broadway plays for dogs

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10. The Seven Year Bitch

9. Experiment In Terrier

8. Dog On A Hot Tin Roof

7. Saturday Night Retriever

6. Annie Get Your Gun (Fido Has Rabies)

5. Hello, Collie!

4. Jesus Christ, Pooper-Scooper Star

3. Corgi and Bess

2. The Bark of Mormon

1. Death of a Mailman

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten dog one-liners

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10. To err is human, to forgive, canine.

9. My wife wanted me to help her start a dog collection, so I gave her a couple of pointers.

8. I’ve had no luck at all trying to teach my dog to dance, because he’s got two left feet.

7. I’m pretty sure that, if dogs could talk, their most common phrase would be, “Are you gonna eat that?”

6. When I took my dog to the flea circus, he stole the show.

5. A German shepherd craps on my lawn every morning, and today he even brought his dog.

4. I tried to teach my dog how to fetch, but he just doesn’t get it.

3. I lost my dog, and I don’t even have collar ID.

2. I went to our local zoo, but all they had was a dog in a cage — it was a Shih Tzu.

1. My dog has been sitting outside in front of the snowman for an hour, just waiting for him to throw one of those twigs.

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten dog songs

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10. Fly Like a Beagle

9. Canine to Five

8. Hello, Collie!

7. MacArthur Bark

6. What If Dog Was One of Us

5. Hit Me With Your Vet Shot

4. When I Think About You I Lick Myself

3. I Like Big Mutts and I Cannot Lie

2. I Got 99 Problems but a Bitch Is One

1. Blinded by the Light (Wrapped Up Like a Pooch)

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that they’re making a wine for cats, top ten brand names

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10. Catbernet Sauvignon

9. Wine Lives

8. Yellow (Cat)tail

7. Furgandy

6. Clawvignon Blanc

5. Cat Nips

4. Pinot Meow

3. Mos-cat-o

2. A-purry-tif

1. FeWine

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten excuses of Travis Wagner, a 21-year-old Lancaster County, PA man arrested for having sex with a miniature pony

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10. He started horsing around, and then things just got out of hand.

9. During the playoffs, he misheard when someone said he should be rooting for the Phillies!

8. He knew he’d never have to pay palimony to a palomino.

7. Seriously, have you seen that horse?!

6. His ex-girlfriend once told him he was hung like one.

5. As a kid, he loved riding that horsie in front of Kmart.

4. He claimed he was looking for a stable relationship.

3. The pony looked exactly like his high school sweetheart.

2. He was put up to it – by a small step stool.

1. His friends had misunderstood him when they told him it was perfectly okay if he was “feeling a little hoarse.”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that they’re making a beer for dogs, top ten brand names (not counting Air Budweiser)

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10. Crocked Spaniel

9. Spitz Schlitz

8. Bowser Boozer

7. Doberman Pilsner

6. Malt-ese

5. Pug Mug

4. Aledale

3. Coor-gi

2. Here’s Mutt In Your Eye

1. Shit-faced Shih Tzu

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten horses least likely to win next Saturday’s Belmont Stakes

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10. Tripod

9. No Way José

8. Mucilage

7. Parts On Order

6. Save-Your-Money

5. It’s A Grand Old Nag

4. Kevorkian’s Delight

3. Stumblebum

2. Wrong Way Corrigan

1. Bernie Sanders

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten excuses of Larry Henry, who faces a preliminary hearing on August 4 after being caught on a neighbor’s farm, in the nude, drinking beer among the neighbor’s pigs

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10. “If you saw my ex wife, you’d understand.”

9. “All that beer just got me in the mood for makin’ bacon.”

8. “I think I misunderstood the term ‘animal husbandry’.”

7. “I was only fondling the female pigs – I mean, I ain’t gay or nothin’!”

6. “I just went hog wild!”

5. “Man, it’s true what they say about beer goggles”

4. “I never thought any of them would squeal on me.”

3. “Didn’t you ever have an uncontrollable urge to boink an oink?”

2. “I’d just seen Deliverance on the TV, and I swear that one pig looked exactly like Ned Beatty.”

1. “I was looking for the sheep and I took a wrong turn.”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that ye shall bring thy pets in out of the cold

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. K-9: It has come to the Emperor’s attention that some of his more worthless subjects are leaving their pets out in the cold during the most bitter of winter nights. Previously, the Emperor thought this only happened at the homes of crack addicts and of those who were helpless and who were abandoned, themselves. But he has been informed that this happens on a larger scale than he thought; that regular, able-bodied folk are either absent-mindedly or intentionally  leaving their animal pals out in the frigid winds. It will stop, today. Ye will bring your pets in out of the cold.

The Punishment: Those who do not comply will be placed on the Imperial Space Shuttles (we have lots and lots of them and money is no object). These shuttles will be auto-piloted at the sun. At the end of the trip, the offenders will more than receive the warmth they denied their helpless, dependent little fur-friends. Normally, the Emperor doesn’t defend his actions, but he would like to point out a peripheral benefit of this: We will be relieving the world’s population of a large number of people with shriveled souls. Anyone who could be so cruel to such innocent, loving creatures is no more than a pimple on the face of the Earth. The loss of such scum will be felt, surely; it will be felt not unlike the satisfaction after defecation.

Now, go forth and obey.

(The Emperor sends a hat-tip to Sara Wuillermin, who is, henceforth, promoted to the rank of “Imperial Spy, Class A.”)

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that the NRA has managed to shoot down a bill in the Pennsylvania House of Representatives which would have made it illegal to offer “a dog or cat for the purpose of human consumption,” top ten new menu items in Pennsylvania restaurants

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10. Whippet cream

9. Collieflower

8. Puppyseed oil

7. Catwurst

6. Kennel cake

5. Springer rolls

4. Greyhound Poupon

3. Chicken poodle soup

2. Macaroni and Burmese

1. Spitz crackers

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsends & odd

A passage through India

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I landed in New Delhi, inhaled, and immediately liked India. [Read more →]

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that they’re allowing mixed breeds, top ten breeds at today’s Westminster Dog Show

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10. Labradoodle

9. Snickerdoodle

8. Belgian Airehead

7. Kickapoo

6. Chechen Rebel

5. Lhasa Shih Tzu

4. Mexican Hairy

3. Jack Russell Crowe

2. Boston Blackie

1. Chihuahua Mastiff
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten new shows on Dog TV

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10. Who Wants to be a Million Airedale

9. Teen Wolfhound

8. Bones

7. Lois & Bark

6. NYPD Poodle

5. K90210

4. Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23

3. L.A. Paw

2. Leave it to Retriever

1. Twin Pekingese

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsfamily & parenting

Fist Fights

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For Karen the Small Press Librarian, I recently exchanged interviews and e-mails with Dave Newman, author of Raymond Carver Will Not Raise Our Children. It’s an academic novel about life off the tenure track for a working family with children in Pittsburgh, and I recommend it to anyone interested in the lives of college teachers, parents, and writers. In passing, Dave mentioned that when he was growing up in western Pennsylvania, it was common for boys to fist-fight at carnivals and county fairs, and then he wondered if he wasn’t the only person he knew who used the expression “fist fight.” So that led to my own ruminations on the subject, whether or not to add a hyphen or make it one word, and I also remembered that long before I became a hulking literary menace, able to beat down an entire capitalist higher-educational economy with a work of fiction, I was just another scrawny white boy, geeky and shy, terrified that I’d have to fight in public or fight at all. [Read more →]


Vegetarianism: The journey to improve more than just diet

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I recently read an article by someone who said the reason he stopped being a vegetarian was that vegetarians don’t see the big picture. The writer went on to say that not eating meat wasn’t solving bigger problems like the destruction of animal habitats or the depletion of resources, so he was done with it. Obviously, the author has a few shortcomings in sequential reasoning, but his point is valid to the point of inspiration.

Not eating animals doesn’t create new habitats, plant trees, or reduce overpopulation. Vegetarians don’t necessarily have a positive net impact. This is particularly true if someone is a vegetarian who buys products with genetically modified, unhealthy soy or supports other examples of bad business.
As the evidence rolls in, it’s clear that the average vegetarian is healthier, happier, and doing less damage than a carnivore. But outside of killing, the overall impact has less to do with eating or not eating meat and more to do with the source and process of creating either. There are meat-eating farmers who are less destructive than vegetarians living [Read more →]

Should vegetarians eat fast-food?

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In a recent post, I pointed out that many vegetarians focus on keeping meat away from their mouths more than they focus on things that matter like preventing animal abuse, staying healthy, and buying food responsibly. My point was wonderfully illustrated by comments on the article. Unless you’re a vegetarian for the image and feeling, your behavior should reflect more than just your attitude toward meat (or lack thereof). Reducing animal exploitation, increasing availability of healthy foods, and other typical vegetarian causes require that we act intelligently when talking to others and spending money.


With that in mind, should vegetarians and vegans eat fast-food? I was surprised to learn that PETA, the organization uncompromising enough to decry pet ownership, thinks so:

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Should vegetarians allow themselves to eat meat from the plates of others?

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When I first became a vegetarian, I decided it was more important to withhold financial support from the meat industry than to be a stickler about diet. I wasn’t ready then (or now) to become an activist against the meat sellers by holding protests or burning down slaughterhouses. I felt that a vegetarian is defined by  living primarily on a vegetarian diet and not by the absolute absence of meat.

I decided I didn’t have a problem eating meat that would otherwise go to waste. [Read more →]
animalstravel & foreign lands

Of Iranian monkeys and other space invaders

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“Space,” as 1970s prog-rock legends Hawkwind once told us, “is deep.” But that’s not all, for as Yuri Gagarin also informed us, it can be a disappointing place for religious believers.

You see, the first cosmonaut apparently took a peek out of the porthole while he was in orbit to see if the Deity was floating about. When he didn’t see an old man with a white beard anywhere nearby, he allegedly declared: “I don’t see any God up here.”

I was thinking about Gagarin’s ultra-scientific observation this week when I read about the Iranian space monkey that the mullahs reportedly shot into the cosmos a few days ago. What did our terrified primate friend see up there as he looked out the window? If he told his theocratic bosses there’s no Allah, then he’d be headed for the chop. On the other hand, since it is strictly forbidden for Muslims to depict Allah, there’s no way the monkey could have recognized his Creator in the first place. [Read more →]
animalstravel & foreign lands

Meanwhile, in Russia…

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…it looks like 56-year-old Russian shepherdess Aishat Maksudova, a grandmother, recently killed a wolf with her bare hands.

Writes an unidentified reporter at Metro.co.uk:

Aishat Maksudova said she was tending to her cattle and flock of sheep when the wolf attacked in the village of Novo Biryuzyak, Dagestan.

The 56-year-old managed to save the calf but the wolf then turned its attention to her, clamping its jaws on to her hand.

Speaking from hospital with her hand bandaged, Mrs Maksudova said she was “not even frightened” during the wolf attack.

“With an open mouth, the wolf suddenly jumped on me,” she said.

“The wolf clawed into my leg and when I raised my arm up the wolf was just holding my hand; trying to claw my hand.”

Mrs Maksudova explained she wanted to throttle the wolf to death but was forced to reach for her axe when she could not prise the animal’s jaws open.

“So I just left my hand, and the wolf was just clawing into it, pulling on it, pulling away like this,” she said.

“And then I took the axe and hit him on the head.”

The bar has been raised, America. What have you done with your weak, flabby hands?

(h/t Adam Orbit)

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