Top ten ways to conserve water
Posted on August 16th, 2010 at 8:30 am by Bob Sullivan
10. Order all your martinis “neat”.
9. Make your morning coffee using lawn dew.
8. Only flush on alternate Thursdays.
[Read more →]
10. Order all your martinis “neat”.
9. Make your morning coffee using lawn dew.
8. Only flush on alternate Thursdays.
[Read more →]
I don’t know what it is about Midwestern women and McDonald’s. Early this year, I posted about a couple of bizarre incidents involving angry women assaulting workers at their local McDonald’s. Well, it has happened again. There must be something in the water out there. This Ohio woman was less than pleased that she could not order Chicken McNuggets due to it being breakfast hours. She made her displeasure very clear.
I will be in Ohio this weekend. I think I will skip McDonald’s.
10. He insists all rescues be pre-approved
9. He spends the entire day chasing seagulls and shouting to see if he can scare the poop out of them
8. Instead of a whistle, he uses a piano
[Read more →]
I put people in boxes. I have been doing it for a long time. The first time I did it, and did it well, was when I was seventeen. I have not spoken to that person in 22 years. Which is mostly what it means to be put in a box by me. I cut off contact entirely. I mean, it’s an imaginary box, but it works as well as a real one for me (perhaps with fewer legal ramifications.) Before you judge too harshly on how I judge, what I should have done to that first person was have him sent to jail.
When you go into one of my boxes, it isn’t just a matter of cutting off contact. [Read more →]
10. “Did you catch Hillary’s lace pantsuit?”
9. “Bill and one of the bridesmaids are missing.”
8. “Look! It’s the Salahis!”
[Read more →]
10. “It’s so hot, I just killed a guy for asking, ‘Hot enough for ya?’.”
9. “It’s so hot, Mel Gibson actually appreciates the cold shoulder his ex-girlfriend is giving him.”
8. “It’s so hot, the cows are giving evaporated milk.”
7. “It’s so hot, my car’s GPS lady keeps directing me towards Canada.”
6. “It’s so hot, Amy Winehouse tested positive for Slurpees.”
5. “It’s so hot, the fish are sweating.”
4. “It’s so hot, I saw a squirrel handling his nuts with tongs.”
3. “It’s so hot, President Obama’s motorcade was spotted outside a Dairy Queen.”
2. “It’s so hot, Dick Cheney was caught waterboarding himself.”
1. “It’s so hot, Lindsay Lohan said she was actually looking forward to spending some time in the ‘cooler’.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
The last Comic-Con I attended was way back in 2007, when I still had a comic book writing gig, a fairly big one, actually, and when I went to the bars and parties after hours I could say, “Hi, I’m Ricky and I write _____,” and people actually knew what I was talking about. I admit I felt like a big man. It was a fun time.
I mean, it was fun going to the bars and parties after Comic-Con had closed. Comic-Con itself had become the opposite of fun.
Most Web sites have “morning links” or some variation thereof.
That’s not my bag, though.
I prefer a “link cage.” The cage is frequently occupied by high-ranking members of the Internet. Typically, Paul Krugman is there, having his thicket of back hair deforested by Eric Boehlert. Other times I spot Tariq Ramadan, subsumed in the oaken arms of sensitive street poet Henry Rollins. (FYI: The cage tends to be filled with gorgeous members of the fairer sex, many of whom are Not Safe For Work.)
Anyway, the great thing about links is that listing them requires zero effort. It’s the easiest way to blog — a laughable, lazy undertaking.
Here’s my latest batch.
10. You’re also supposed to wait half an hour after making love.
9. We could be just like that scene out there: buoy meets gull!
8. Okay if I rub this suntan lotion places the sun doesn’t reach?
7. That white stuff on my nose isn’t sunscreen.
6. How would you like to be Hasselhoffed?
5. I’ll show you a pool toy you can play with.
4. Wow! Your body can be used as a flotation device!
3. Help! I’m drowning!…In your eyes!
2. My high chair or yours?
1. Okay if I practice my mouth-to-mouth?
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Dear Diary,
Today I started reading Eclipse. This was after I told myself I was not going to read any of the books in the Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer. I’m a thirty-(cough)-year-old woman, and not a twelve year old girl. I’m too mature to be reading this, right? But I read Twilight and New Moon, and now I’m reading Eclipse. And I really don’t like reading it because it’s taking up my whole day and I can’t get anything done. [Read more →]
Happy Independence Day to everyone.
For me this day normally consists of a nice cookout and fireworks with the kids (unless you live in a nanny state that says you can operate heavy machinery at 70 miles an hour but not light a Roman Candle). For the last several years (when I haven’t been deployed), Dave and I would go spend a ridiculous amount of money at South of the Border to get all the “good” fireworks. We would then have an amazing display in my backyard that the whole neighborhood would appreciate (at least I like to think that they appreciated it). I would make chicken wings and we would grill steaks and other animal parts. The kids would come over and love the fireworks. Eventually we would drink too much and start getting braver and braver (or dumber and dumber depending on how you look at it). Now my son just refers to the stupidity that I teach him on a regular basis. When I ask him what he’s talking about he simply says, “You taught me to shoot fireworks at people.” Oh. Yeah. That’s right. I did that.
Anyway, this year there will be no fireworks for me. But there is a cookout here and we just might get steaks cooked to order. When you’re deployed, that’s pretty significant. [Read more →]
This week I would like to review the latest film from master filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan, entitled Mindbender: The Last Shyamalan. This is an exciting movie with lots of great twists and turns like you’ve come to expect from this unpredictable filmmaker, so hold on tight while I give you my four-star review (full disclosure: I did not actually see the film).
Warning: Spoilers ahead! If you don’t want to know about all the great twists, then don’t read any more. Go on, I dare you not to read it (please read it — also, click on the ad at the bottom of this review)! [Read more →]
A friend of mine recently referred to her life as a mountain. Apparently she started climbing it years ago without realizing, then one day looked down and discovered how high up she’d gone. She also discovered that it would be nearly impossible to get down off of this mountain and start the climb up a different mountain. By different, I think she meant the one on which she had assumed she would end up. [Read more →]
10. They gave you a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug, but they crossed out ‘Greatest’ and wrote in ‘Largest.’
9. They’ve sent several anonymous letters to the Arizona legislature concerning your immigration status.
8. They save the term ‘Daddy’ for the FedEx guy.
7. They bought you a toaster and claim it’s “shower safe.”
6. They bought you a recently caught Gulf Coast trout.
5. Their nickname for you is ‘The Sperm Donor’.
4. They tell everyone they’re adopted, and their real dad is a homeless alcoholic.
3. They bought their mother The Big Book of Divorce Attorneys.
2. They keep telling neighborhood gangs you have the ability to catch bullets with your bare hands.
1. For Father’s Day, they gave you a Do-It-Yourself Vasectomy Kit.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
It’s been windy every day since I moved into this little lavender house. The tiny tree in the backyard bangs on my bedroom wall all day with its one stretchy awkward branch. It is clearly reaching out and growing crooked to drive me nuts. The old house is gone, sold, and I didn’t think to pack tree-trimming tools.
No cable and no wifi has left me a lot of time with my thoughts. This must be what life was like in the old timey days. I should be reading or painting the walls or writing a frigging book, or at the very least unpacking. But, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around anything for more than a moment. Everyone wants to know how the new house is and I say it’s great. And I say I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine. And I’m not fine. And, of course, I am essentially, because I actually believe that I will be eventually. But, for now, I cry a lot. [Read more →]
10. Prelude to a Hangover
9. Fumbling With A Bra Strap
8. The Popular Kids Are Just Better
7. Never Give Up Grope!
6. Not Even McDonald’s is Hiring
5. Almost Legal
4. This Limo Rental Cost More Than My Car
3. Getting Faced!
2. Abstinence Makes the Hard Grow Fonder
1. A Gulf Coast Sludgefest
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. She goes off on a rant about “the great left-wing liberal socialist conspiracy.”
9. His speech begins, “Hello, I’m Glenn Beck…”
8. Her speech is 90 minutes of “Knock Knock” jokes.
7. He’s Obama, just not the Obama.
6. His claim to fame: he’s the surviving member of Milli Vanilli.
5. He advises the females in the auditorium to take Home Economics ’cause “nummers is hard!”
4. He’s a Goldman Sachs V.P. who claims he can triple your graduation gift money in three months.
3. First name: Kate. Last name: Gosselin.
2. After applying lipstick to the edges of his thumb and pointing finger, he lets the entire speech be delivered by Mr. Hand.
1. He’s wearing his cap, but forgot his gown.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You answered every question on your History final with, “Hey, I wasn’t even alive then!”
9. You’ve been in the eighth grade since the Clinton Administration.
8. Your term paper in music class compared the vocal stylings of Lady Gaga and Alvin and the Chipmunks.
7. Because of new carpeting, you’ve worn all the hair off your knuckles.
6. The only word you learned in Spanish class was “No.”
5. When you tried to sell your textbooks, you were told you might want to hang onto them for a bit longer.
4. On your Geography final, you said the English Channel was the BBC.
3. That stuff you cooked up in Chemistry class attracted six busloads of DEA agents.
2. Your combined score on the SAT: 4.
1. Your teacher suggests you could use that ten bucks for better things than a cap and gown rental.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
About a month ago I posted a short piece about one of my all-time favorite comic books, The Gormandizer. Response to that was overwhelming; I was inundated by a deluge of people telling me that I should scan some more Gormandizer pages, because the few scans I did post were AWESOME.
I fully intended on scanning more Gormandizer. However, as I was going through all my old Bronze Age comics I discovered the following gem from the first issue of Senator Surprise. This story, “How a Spell Becomes a Law!” is eerily prescient, with its warning about the dangers of the United States Senate taking on financial reform, especially as it relates to demons from other dimensions. [Read more →]
10. The price of sardines should come down, with no need to pack them in oil
9. It makes Katrina seem less severe
8. The British Petroleum backlash should help U.S. gas stations
7. It provides a new topic for New Orleans blues singers
6. It’s good practice for the next oil spill
5. It’s a great sales opportunity for manufacturers of 4-story 100-ton steel-and-concrete domes
4. With all this cleanup practice, there might be a spillover effect on BP gas station restrooms
3. So far, FEMA isn’t involved
2. Free gas for people on the Gulf Coast
1. The oily bird catches the worm
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
During the Bronze Age, a number of publishers attempted to mimic the mainstream success of “the big two,” Marvel and DC. The largest of these — companies like Charlton, Archie, Harvey, Whitman, and Atlas – were able only to make a small dent in the big two’s market share. But one company that popped up in the mid-1970s, Hues Corporation, didn’t necessarily need to grab a big share of the comics market.
That’s because Hues Corporation existed primarily as a way for the “publishers” to launder money made from illegal drug sales in Miami and New York.
Despite the fact that the company had little interest in creating quality comic books, they did manage, during their three-month publishing existence in 1974, to release some interesting and eccentric titles. There was SuperWulf, “The Werewolf with super powers!”; there were The Base Ballers, a professional baseball team that won every game they played, because, of course, they had super powers (which they used to fight crime): there was Senator Secret, a United States senator from New Orleans who had “the power of the Magick,” and managed to fight supernatural crime while still finding time to serve as the ranking minority member of the Senate sub-finance committee; there was The Ochinaut, a man who shrunk himself down to microscopic size and entered people’s bodies to fight “the crimes within us all”; and there was my personal favorite, the hero with “the stomach of steel,” The Gormandizer. [Read more →]
10. Instead of grass in your Easter basket, he uses poison ivy.
9. He claims he’s “as mad as a March hare” at you.
8. No Lindt. Just Hershey’s.
7. You wake up with the head of a baby chick under your blanket.
6. He’s always dissin’ your peeps.
5. He colors all your eggs using lead paint.
4. You get death threats signed simply “E.B.”
3. He hides twelve eggs and three land mines.
2. Instead of a basket, he uses a bedpan.
1. Those aren’t Raisinets.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Noel Sheppard wrote an interesting short piece for NewsBusters about the clever Mad magazine cover that has Alfred E. Neuman using a marker to add “ed” to his “I love Obama” t-shirt.
You can read the piece and check out the Mad magazine cover via the below link:
http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2010/03/24/shocking-mad-magazine-cover-i-loved-obama
The shrill din of health care debate is burdening my soul. I want everyone to be pals again and go canoeing together. I want to share fun links about Louis Farrakhan’s zombie and transsexual-themed calypso ditties; YouTube clips from Jess Franco’s Succubus; and Flickr images of busty mannequins. Therefore, I went ahead and transformed Mike McGowan’s recent Obamacare post (and readers’ comments) into a menacing word cloud. Click through the image to see a larger version and to make new variations. Share your results with the group and we’ll have interactive fun.
10. “No, that’s my shillelagh, but I’m still glad to see you!”
9. “But I love the taste of Bailey’s Irish Cream!”
8. “Every time I see you, somethin’ starts Dublin in size!”
7. “What’s this I hear about Meredith Baxter practicing her Gaelic?”
6. “Because of you, my Irish thighs are smiling!”
5. “I’ll show you who’s hung like a leprechaun!”
4. “They don’t call me Lord of the Pants for nothing! ”
3. “You’ve made my sham rock hard!”
2. “It’s those two Irish smoothboys: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick!”
1. “Oooooooooooooooooo! Danny Boy!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
I love the Florida Keys. I love the laid-back, tropical, “Margaritaville” lifestyle of the local characters.
But one laid-back inhabitant should not be behind the wheel of a moving car.
I’ve been a Facebook believer for well over a year now. Although some have logged off permanently, I couldn’t be prouder of my obsession. This social networking site has given me the chance to communicate with people that I haven’t seen in a long time. One would argue that there’s a reason why we lose touch with people, or that our three hundred Facebook friends are fake friendships. But frankly, I need all the friends I can get, if they are real friends or merely Facebook friends. [Read more →]
“To Texas . . .
Joyous and sparkling,
Evergreen when it rains, enduring in drought,
Timeless, endless in boundaries, exciting,
Home to the adventurous of yesterday and today,
With shrines from the past, and space
and spirit for the future.
To Texas …
Everlasting in the hearts of your people!”
It was about fifteen years ago when, as editor of the Fort Stockton Pioneer (a Thursday morning weekly serving a West Texas community of about 10,000), I was handed a letter from one of our readers, for publication in the next issue … a letter admonishing our paper for not devoting adequate space to Texas Independence Day. She may have been DRT (I honestly don’t remember for certain), but she was certainly something of a Lone Star zealot … a perception of mine that was reinforced by her comment as she handed me the letter …
Valentine’s Day has recently passed, leaving many to look forward to next year’s bouquet of flowers, heart-splattered teddy bears and cardboard boxes full of calories. Good for you, I’m glad Hallmark/Walmart/the entire advertising industry has your continued attention, affections, and disposable income. I, however, am left to ponder deeper, more meaningful issues. Like Phil Collins. [Read more →]
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