I love the Florida Keys. I love the laid-back, tropical, “Margaritaville” lifestyle of the local characters.
But one laid-back inhabitant should not be behind the wheel of a moving car.
I’ve been a Facebook believer for well over a year now. Although some have logged off permanently, I couldn’t be prouder of my obsession. This social networking site has given me the chance to communicate with people that I haven’t seen in a long time. One would argue that there’s a reason why we lose touch with people, or that our three hundred Facebook friends are fake friendships. But frankly, I need all the friends I can get, if they are real friends or merely Facebook friends. [Read more →]
“To Texas . . .
Joyous and sparkling,
Evergreen when it rains, enduring in drought,
Timeless, endless in boundaries, exciting,
Home to the adventurous of yesterday and today,
With shrines from the past, and space
and spirit for the future.
To Texas …
Everlasting in the hearts of your people!”
It was about fifteen years ago when, as editor of the Fort Stockton Pioneer (a Thursday morning weekly serving a West Texas community of about 10,000), I was handed a letter from one of our readers, for publication in the next issue … a letter admonishing our paper for not devoting adequate space to Texas Independence Day. She may have been DRT (I honestly don’t remember for certain), but she was certainly something of a Lone Star zealot … a perception of mine that was reinforced by her comment as she handed me the letter …
This is the only novella about Thomas Jefferson and zombies to be recommended by the facebook page of the Thomas Jefferson Library in Charlottesville, Virginia. I’m not kidding! Their recommendation is in these words:
So start reading if you haven’t done so already.
(Thomas Jefferson and the knight flee from the zombies who are chasing them and come to the University library) [Read more →]
Valentine’s Day has recently passed, leaving many to look forward to next year’s bouquet of flowers, heart-splattered teddy bears and cardboard boxes full of calories. Good for you, I’m glad Hallmark/Walmart/the entire advertising industry has your continued attention, affections, and disposable income. I, however, am left to ponder deeper, more meaningful issues. Like Phil Collins. [Read more →]
Recently my part of the world experienced something rare — two blizzards within a week that added up to a lot of damn snow. Lest I get mocked by those living in Minnesota or upstate New York, understand this: I live in the city, where a lot of people share a small amount of coveted space. We normally have a fair amount of tolerance for one another, having learned to peacefully coexist and respect the unwritten rules of the neighborhood. Following the snow, however, all social conventions got lost in a snowdrift. The first blizzard brought out the ugly side, and the second blizzard invoked a new level of lunacy among my neighbors. I started to ask myself “Just who are these people in my neighborhood? And do I really want to meet them each day?” [Read more →]
10. “Honey, tonight dinner’s on me! I have a coupon!”
9. “When I said I hoped you’d give me something special, I didn’t mean Swine Flu.”
8. “I’m so looking forward to spending the coming year with you, Mr. Madoff.”
[Read more →]
And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Somali pirates kidnap entire cargo ships. That’s cool. They get $3 million ransoms. That’s cool. Helicopters drop the ransoms on the ships. That’s cool. Then pirates head to their secret hideout to split the booty. That’s cool.
But pirates used to be even cooler. [Read more →]
10. It’s so cold, people are hugging Ted Williams’s head just to keep warm
9. It’s so cold, aquariums no longer really need the glass
8. It’s so cold, flashers are running up to women in Central Park and just describing themselves
7. It’s so cold, it would be colder than Glenn Beck’s heart — if he had one
6. It’s so cold, the Statue of Liberty decided to hold her torch under her robe
5. It’s so cold, Rod Blagojevich was spotted with his hands in his own pockets
4. It’s so cold, all Sarah Palin could see from Alaska was more snow
3. It’s so cold, people are hanging around the set of The View just for the artificial warmth
2. It’s so cold, a temperature was actually recorded that was colder than the shoulder Tiger Woods’s wife is giving him
1. It’s so cold, Al Gore came out in favor of global warming
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
(Another episode in my online serial novella. Thomas Jefferson and a knight from the Middle Ages fight for their lives on an abandoned university campus which has become infested with zombies.)
Years are full of memories. Memories are full of people. People are full of shit. Shit is heralded by farts: some clear and crisp, others murky and wet. Yeah, everyone farts, but not like this. [Read more →]
A bleak post about Tuesday, that most persistent and terrible of all days:
So, Tuesday, we meet again. Tuesday and I have met often and no good has ever come of it.
I am beyond Tuesday’s power, for I haven’t had steady work since last March, when I finally left minimum wage office jobs for the paradise that is TEFL (Teaching English to Johnny Foreigner). The paradise consists largely of being fired, getting a new job, then finding there’s almost no work so one may as well be unemployed; then, inevitably, borrowing yet more money from friends and relatives, and finally dying in a snow drift in the north of Germany; and then being eaten by wolves and crows. [Read more →]
You probably should wait till the kids go to bed or make sure your boss is out at lunch before you play this. But, whatever you do, make sure to play it — and play it with an open mind. Talent comes in mysterious forms and I expect you will ask the same question I asked myself, “How on earth does someone figure out they can do this?” And then answer your own question with “I’d rather not know!”
Have you ever been to a McDonald’s and been so mad about something that you felt the need to start destroying property? If you are like most people, the answer is no. Perhaps I should not say “most people,” though. Based on recent events, maybe you and I are in the minority. [Read more →]
10. Car Crash on 34th Street
9. So You Think You Can Gift Wrap
8. Bob Dylan’s Hanukkah/Christmas Special
7. Bernie Madoff’s New Year’s Rockin’ Prison Eve
6. Rudolph the Downsized Reindeer
5. I Saw Adam Lambert Kissing Santa Claus
4. When Reindeer Attack
3. Drape Some Tinsel on This, Charlie Brown!
2. The Grinch Who Robbed Parking Meters
1. Don Knotts’s It’s A Wonderful Fife
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
(N.B.: Tongue is firmly planted in cheek throughout. Expect offense in response to one of the more offensive decades in recent memory.)
It’s that time of the decade again. The toll of tonight’s midnight church bells or the image of that big-ass crystal ball slowly descending into the madness of Times Square will signal that we’ve let another decade slip away. The…um…“naughts” have been a decade like no other, so I’d like to take an opportunity to honor this decade in what seems the only way possible: with an egocentric list.
10. 2001
9. 2000
8. 2005
7. 2003
6. 2008
5. 2002
4. 2009
3. 2006
2. 2004
1. 2007
(Personal reasons.)
It’s the end of 2009 and the end of the single digit years in the 2000s. When this time of year rolls around we get bombarded with “the year in review” or the “decade in review” or the “top ten bakeries of the year,” etc. Now, I’m not opposed to lists. In fact, I spend a lot of time discussing and refining my own mental lists of the best things. Movies, bands, comics… I’m not sure why I do it. I suppose I want to definitively know, through aggressive research and discussion, what the best anything is. That way when some dude comes up and says P.S. I Love You is the greatest movie of all time, I can walk him through my list and he can see that maybe it’s just a little lower than he thought.
But what about the last decade? Not something of all time but just the last decade? Sort of narrow the scope a bit. Separate the wheat from the chaff. Let the cream rise to the top, ya know? As I’m deployed to Africa, presumably defending the United States, I figured why not rank the 50 states over the last decade. I’m willing to die for these states and they should know what order they are in. [Read more →]
Of course what children really want for Christmas is a list of commands, prohibitions, and threats. To this end I have compiled the following words of advice for young people. This is the wisdom I have painfully accrued over 33 years of stupidity, and I do not hesitate to pass it on to the next generation. [Read more →]
It’s nearly the end of the year, and you know what that means: lists. And ferret-wrestling matches, though I don’t want to get into that now. No, the end of the year is a time when we look back, and compile lists of things. And happenings. And celebrity deaths. Usually ordered backwards, though in the case of the famous the lists are usually ordered by cultural importance or the number of original teeth the celebrity had at their death.
[Read more →]
10. The only noisemaker involves the host and a can of beans
9. All Macarena, all the time!
8. When you come through the front door, you spot a large table and a 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle
7. The only toast all evening involves actual bread
6. It breaks up at 11:45
5. Everyone is speaking Klingon
4. The “champagne” is really just ginger ale and Mentos
3. It’s just you and three Zhu Zhu Hamsters
2. It’s February 12th
1. You’re still waiting for your ball to drop
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
In 1999 I wrote a piece for the first installment of When Falls the Coliseum titled the All-Coliseum Team. It was a list of the 2oth Century’s most intriguing sports figures - an alternative to the standard Best of tallies published and broadcast by sports magazines and shows at the time. It seems just like yesterday I wrote about Jim Thorpe (versatility), Buster Douglas (improbability), and Cal Ripken (durability) as being All-Coliseum warriors who represented the unconventional excellence our magazine seems to promote. Now ten years have come and gone just like that, and we have a new All-Coliseum compilation. But this time it is more than just sports. [Read more →]
In my inaugural post here at WFTC, I openly begged for a “God Helmet” this Christmas. Today, I present some gift ideas for your holiday shopping list.
10. Instead of being on the ‘Naughty’ or ‘Nice’ list, you’re on his list of ‘Jerk Faces’
9. He smears milk and cookies all over your drapes
8. Your biggest gift is Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue
7. He had all the reindeer leave you little gifts on the roof
6. Instead of just coals in your stocking, he puts in hot coals
5. He leaves you a note that says, “You better watch out! You better not cry! And you better not let me catch you alone, you bastard!”
4. You’re being stalked by killer elves
3. Instead of toys, he leaves you a bagful of ashes and soot
2. As he drives out of sight, instead of exclaiming, “Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!” he yells “Bite me!”
1. Rather than visiting a gas station restroom, he just sits on your chimney
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Big Bag O’ Discarded Hypodermic Needles
9. Balloon Boy Self-Launch Home Kit
8. Easy-Bake Microwave Oven
7. Fisher-Price Choking Hazard
6. Baby’s First Power Stapler
5. Mr. Wizard’s Home Meth Lab
4. Fontanelle Lawn Darts
3. Miss Piggy Swine Flu Inoculation Kit
2. Owie! – The Fall-Off-The-Ladder Game
1. Zhu Zhu Flammable Hamsters
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
(In Part 1, Thomas Jefferson and his friend the medieval knight were entering the student center at the zombie-plagued campus. Let’s join them . . .)
10. He started horsing around, and then things just got out of hand.
9. His ex-girlfriend once told him he was hung like one.
8. Seriously, have you seen that horse?!
7. During the playoffs, he misheard when someone said he should be rooting for the Phillies!
6. He read one of the signs of the swine flu was feeling a little hoarse.
5. He knew he’d never have to pay palimony to a palomino.
4. The horse looks exactly like his old girlfriend.
3. He claims he was looking for a stable relationship.
2. His daughter said, for her next birthday, she was hoping for a pony.
1. He was put up to it – by a small step stool.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
This is the only novella about Thomas Jefferson and zombies to be recommended by the facebook page of the Thomas Jefferson Library in Charlottesville, Virginia. I’m not kidding! Their recommendation is in these words:
So start reading if you haven’t done so already.
(A great thing about the college I used to attend in New York is that scattered throughout the campus are statues of great Americans. One of these statues is in front of the student center, where there is a statue of Thomas Jefferson. Near to Jefferson, also near the student center, is a knight on horseback representing — as far as I can remember — the fight for education. There are other statues around the campus, generally of great Americans like Jefferson. One thing I regret is that, while going to that college, I never wrote a novella about the statues coming to life and fighting zombies. I intend to make up for that oversight right now, in a story starring one of the figures represented in campus statuary: Thomas Jefferson.)
10. “Run for your lives! The electric carving knife has a mind of its own!”
9. “I didn’t have to stuff the turkey; it wasn’t hollow!”
8. “John, when you said you were bringing your new soulmate, Terry, we just assumed she was female.”
7. “It takes me a whole friggin’ year to forget how much I hate each and every one of you!”
6. “I realize it’s called that by some people, but can’t you just call it ‘white meat’?”
5. “Sorry about the pies. One’s pumpkin and one’s mincemeat, but don’t ask me which is which.”
4. “Yeah, my flat screen TV’s busted….Hey! Where ya goin’? We haven’t had dinner yet!”
3. “9-1-1? How do you get someone out of a tryptophan-induced coma?”
2. “Me? I’m thankful Thanksgiving just comes once a year!”
1. “You ate so much turkey, your belly button just popped like one o’ them Butterball thermometers!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “This turkey tastes a little off. What breed did you say it was, ‘tofu’?”
9. “What time do the Indians arrive?”
8. “Well, I think thine clothes look equally as ridiculous!”
7. “And you can get advice on cooking your bird from that handheld talking machine?!”
6. “Big deal! So your ancestors came over on the Mayflower!”
5. “When we knew John McCain, of course, we called him ‘Little Johnny’.”
4. “Jebediah, look! Their leader appears to be a Native American!”
3. “There is no need to struggle! Why do you not just share the wishbone?!”
2. “Celebrating with giant balloons of cartoon animals! Why didn’t we think of that?!
1. “Hey! Let us out of this box! It’s dark in here!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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