Entries Tagged as 'ends & odd'

ends & oddhealth & medical

Everyone on TV is dying of cancer

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Seriously, every time I watch a show or listen to a podcast, someone is either dealing with the impending death themselves or had a parent who died of cancer when they were young. At some point I might have to just give up and do a media blackout. What I really need is a cancer rating website. The show/podcast/movie gets a C if it contains cancer death, an NC if there is no cancer reference, and a FY (fuck, yeah) if the storyline contains a person who beat cancer and then died of old age. That should be a thing.
While I’m at it, I would also like a restaurant that serves all the food that fights cancer, prepared deliciously. Everything will be organic. There will be no plastics in the room anywhere, not even in the seat under your bottom. No dairy, no meat, no sugar, no gluten. There will be wild caught salmon on Fridays only (moderation, people!) And maybe, on late Saturday nights, when there is a band (with no cancer songs- EVER) they will serve baked potatoes. This place will know how to make broccoli and brussels sprouts taste amazing (without a grill in site. Because carcinogens.Duh.) It will make the most wonderful dishes out of berries and also mushrooms, not together obvs. There will also be more than one organic tea option, maybe more than 20. The real kick, though, what will sell the place to all the cancer peeps and their friends, is the incredible fact that flax oil and turmeric is added to everything, BUT YOU WILL NEVER TASTE IT! I have to stop, I’m getting excited, and this place will not exist.
I need that restaurant. Feeding myself is a part time job. Trying to eat all organic and fresh takes time. So much chopping. So much shopping. Lucky for me I’m also doing intermittent fasting. That cuts out a meal in the middle, though crafting a healthy snack can sometimes be just as laborious. Can someone invent a self cleaning juicer? I’m asking for a lot today. Better start playing my cancer card.
My other part time job is studying cancer. Today I was trying to figure out the results of some follow up blood work (while I listened to a guy on Fresh Air talk about losing his mom to cancer). No more accepting the CBC form with the results and then throwing it away because I have no idea what it means. Now, I actually need to know what it means. Today it meant that my Vitamin D level is just barely in the normal range, so keep up the supplements. My iron indicators have gone up a bit, but not enough. Still anemic, wah wah. My B12 and folate are good, though, so it’s definitely the iron thing. What I don’t understand is why my platelet count went down to normal. Still looking into that. Hey- maybe the cancer is gone?! WEEEEEEE! No more blogs. The End.

ends & oddhealth & medical

First update

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So, it turns out that as far as cancer is concerned, I am not a mutant. No genes that make me necessarily predisposed to get this again. Though I will say that the genetic counselor made sure to let me know it is entirely possible that I am a cancer mutant, and that my particular mutation is as yet undiscovered. That’s a buzzkill, counselor! Apparently, if she were me, she would get a double mastectomy and have her ovaries removed as well. I will cling to as many of my lady bits as I can keep until they truly must go! That’s just how I intend to handle this.

In case you are wondering, I have drastically altered my diet and have begun taking supplements- some recommended by my probable soon to be surgeon, and some recommended by the lovely and talented TCM physician at Thank You Mama (to be fair, the surgeon is also lovely). I am also anemic and have to get that figured out and taken care of.

This morning’s appointment with the doctor was all about lumpectomy vs. mastectomy. No final final decision but I have to make it soon. Next up is to make an appointment to get blood work done- must check my iron again and look at my vitamin D levels with my GP. Then a consultation appointment must be made with a plastic surgeon. That is a sentence that I never thought I’d write! Then appointments for a second opinion, even though I do really like my probable lovely surgeon. I think it’s the right thing to do. This Friday I’ll be at Thank You Mama with my full test results to work up a complete game plan for the things that I can control (like what goes into my big ‘ol piehole).

I’m tired, but I’m trying to stay funny. Every once in a while I think about something that I need to teach the husband to do for the kids, just in case. You know, the mom things that I do. The stuff that just gets done and no one will notice until there is no one there to do it. And then I think: “Fuck it, just let him figure it out!” Ha! Just kidding. Then I push it out of my brain and try to go back to focusing on killing cancer, instead of focusing on the chance that it will kill me.

ends & oddhealth & medical

Now, I guess, it’s real

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I’m the type of person who works things out in writing. I make notes of my thoughts. I make lists. Facebook is the best, I swear status updates are like a combination of therapy and a vehicle for my need to feel like I’m entertaining people. If I didn’t write it down, or put it into font, did it happen? Maybe not.

Recently, though, I’ve been struggling with something that I haven’t shared online, for which I’ve taken no notes, for which I’ve just today started my first list of things to do. It’s been going on since September, really, and I’m just making my first list. Pretty easy to look back at the last few months and realize that I didn’t want it to be happening, but it turns out that I totally have cancer.

I did tell just a few people, family and some friends. My mother I told in person, because, you know, she’s my mom. My husband made some phone calls. I did send a few text messages. In regular life, I don’t do phone calls unless it’s an emergency. Texting is my favorite, but this time I would have rather not been communicating at all. I only told these people because I felt the need to explain why I’ve been avoiding everything and everyone.

The thing is, if you ask me how I’m doing, I will cry. If you ask me if my kids know (they don’t), I will cry. If you tell me that you care about me and will help out with whatever I need (I don’t know what I need), I will cry. I don’t want to cry in public.

I can talk about kids, the crummy school system, our new kitten, this hot and dry winter, the new Netflix series (or The Walking Dead, or GOT), TED talks, and podcasts, but not politics (not this year), and not cancer.

Initially, when we told a few people, it was a relief to not have to pretend anymore that everything is swell and that my new business isn’t quite taking off because I’m just moving slowly (I am moving slowly but I’m not taking my time, it’s totally cancer’s fault and apparently I’m also super anemic). Then I started to have to field phone calls and explain things that I don’t yet understand. I started to have to talk about treatments that I haven’t decided on, and listen to people cry as they tried to deal with things themselves. Opinions are beginning to arrive as well. I imagine that will only increase, and dramatically.

So, maybe this is as good a way as any, or even the best way for me, to share this with people. Hopefully they won’t call me crying, or ask me what I need (seriously, I don’t know. I could use a stiff drink but I read that it’s a no-no.) Hopefully they will still invite me out for stuff, and maybe won’t give me “the face” too much (the one that says: “I’m totally thinking sad thoughts about your cancer right now, I wish you would tell me how I can help.”) If you need to make the face, maybe make it toward my back as I walk to the bathroom.

If you want to know how I’m doing, physically, I have invasive ductal carcinoma in my right breast. It is stage 2 at 2.1 centimeters, though the cut off for stage 1 is 2 centimeters and my doctor initially was referring to it as “stage one, but kind of stage 2.” There is apparently no stage 1.5. The cancer is estrogen and progesterone positive, but HER2 negative. I hear that you really want to be HER2 negative, but when I met with an oncologist and made a joke about having “the good breast cancer” he did not laugh. I guess it’s not that good.

If you want to continue to know how I’m doing, physically or otherwise, you can check back here. I’ll need to keep working out my thoughts, and if you feel like you need to cry about it, you can get it over with before we hang out. Ha! (I do want to hang out, it turns out that people who close themselves off socially when they discover they have cancer tend to have a greater risk of death. My kids need me to live, so text me when you have time for tea. Hey! Maybe that’s what I need.)

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten axioms to get your New Year off on the right foot

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10. You can achieve everything you want, if you’re unambitious enough.

9. Politics isn’t left vs. right, it’s top vs. bottom.

8. Never get in line behind the Devil at the DMV, for the Devil takes many forms.

7. The speed with which a woman says, “Nothing,” when asked what’s wrong is inversely proportional to the intensity of the coming storm.

6. I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

5. (for anyone in a relationship) Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?

4. War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

3. The face of a child says it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

2. We don’t negotiate with terrorists, except for the price of the weapons we sell them.

1. If you don’t think it’s all about perspective, just consider the fact that the sinking of the Tiitanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten Christmas one-liners

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10. Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

9. The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.

8. ’Tis the season to awkwardly walk by someone ringing a bell.

7. I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”

6. As Mrs. Grinch said, “His heart wasn’t the only thing that was two sizes too small.”

5. Are we doing “Secret Santa” this year, because I accidentally bought some unsalted butter.

4. I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive, and I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

2. It’s hard to believe, but there are 364 days until Christmas, and people already have their Christmas lights up.

1. I wasn’t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year, but then I heard about those Samsung Galaxy phones.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten one-liners

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10. When my doctor emailed me asking me if I knew my “blod group,” I replied, “Typo.”

9. If you have trouble getting your gecko up in the morning, you may have a reptile dysfunction.

8. When I was young, I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body, but all of that changed when I was born.

7. “Have I made myself clear?” said the chameleon standing in front of the sheet of glass.

6. I intend to live forever, and…so far, so good!

5. I put tape on all the mirrors in my house, so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

4. I just finished writing a book about poltergeists, and I’m happy to say it’s flying off the shelves.

3. I’m taking a levitation course and, on my very first day I went straight to the top of the class!

2. I’ve started sending Tweets telepathically — so if you think of something funny, that’s me!

1. Two parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet! (although I guess, technically, that’s a two-line joke.)
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten Pilgrim pick-up lines

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10. “This is my last chance! We’re shipping out tomorrow!”

9. “Let’s say you and I ‘bury the hatchet’ – if thou catchest my drift.”

8. “I must compliment you on your magnificent spread!”

7. “Care for a little white meat?”

6. “Just because I am a Puritan does not mean that I am puritanical.”

5. “Indeed, I must unbutton my breeches, as they are on the verge of bursting.”

4. “If you’d just be a little more ‘giving’, I’d certainly extend my ‘thanks’.”

3. “I am still deciding which I prefer, a leg or a breast?”

2. “Thou art quite handy with thine bow and arrow. How wouldst thou like to place thy shaft into my quiver?”

1. “I doth ache to get mine Plymouth Rocks off.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

ends & oddmoney

Meet the start-ups that are thriving in the current economic recovery

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The economy is doing really, really well. The signs are all around. The job market is so good that even ROBOTS are getting hired. Young adults are choosing to spend quality time with their parents rather than moving into their own homes. Inflation is so low that you can get a new iPad for about the same price as the previous iPad. Don’t listen to the doom-and-gloom: in this incredible economic climate people are making money hand over fist. To set the record straight and advance the true narrative I’ve written this hard-hitting, unflinching look at some of the most impressive new businesses that are taking advantage of the modern economic recovery.

 

SURPRISE! DINNER: Food delivery services are all the rage—even for the budget-conscious. That’s where Surprise! Dinner comes in. Their network of reasonably-compensated employees rummage through the leftovers of the customers of Fresh Direct, Peapod, Magic Kitchen, Hello Fresh, Farm Fresh To You, and more—and then deliver the findings to you! Customers get tasty, surprising, and gently used food items (some of it was even organic at one time). And for those on an extra tight budget, check out Surprise! Dinner Basics, which rummages the refuse of Surprise! Dinner clients, and brings customers the results at a further discount!   [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

St. Patrick’s top ten complaints

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10. Every St. Patrick’s Day, when they dye the Chicago River green, it just looks like pond scum

9. People always making fun of the size of his shillelagh

8. Still awaiting remake of Darby O’Gill and the Little People

7. On his day, number of people fraudulently claiming Irishness just to get a kiss

6. Compared to Saint Nicholas’s helpful elves, St. Patrick’s leprechauns are nothing but a bunch of drunken troublemakers

5. After you’ve heard “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya” a few million times, you’d kill for a simple “Hello”

4. Only saint whose name is associated with massive hangovers

3. When St. Patrick’s Day revelers get sick on green beer, they look like Linda Blair

2. Hasn’t had his Blarney Stone kissed in years

1. Snake bites
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

ends & oddMr. Sean goes to Washington

Chris Christie: why only the unemployed should run for president

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New Jersey is a state that once had a governor reveal during a single press conference:

  1. He was resigning.
  2. Because of an affair.
  3. With a man.

For most states, this would be plenty to process, but our suddenly former governor didn’t even mention that the man was about to start suing him for sexual harassment and that their falling out stemmed from that man, an Israeli poet, losing his job as the state’s homeland security adviser, a $110,000 a year position for which he had virtually no qualifications beyond the aforementioned affair with the governor.

That was the administration of Jim McGreevey.

Former presidential candidate Chris Christie wishes he could rise to this level of professionalism. Disastrous as McGreevey was as New Jersey’s governor, he still has one big edge over Christie: he occasionally spent time in New Jersey. [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten more jokes that are mental

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10. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

9. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.

8. I may be a schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

7. “I’m having trouble finding myself,” Waldo said to his psychiatrist.

6. My uncle found a new cure for Tourette’s. He swears by it.

5. I was just hugged and then mauled by a bipolar bear.

4. The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don’t have a problem.

3. I’m not crazy, I’m a lover. That’s why I’m in a jacket that lets me hug myself.

2. Insanity means never having to say, “I’m guilty.”

1. I try not to limit my madness to March.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten jokes that are mental

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10. I have a mental disorder where I have to make everything sound mysterious….Or do I?

9. Do you suspect you have schizophrenia? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

8. I phoned the paranoia help line, but I had to hang up after 59 seconds because I’m sure they were trying to trace the call.

7. Schizophrenia – Together I can beat it!

6. Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

5. I think I speak for everyone when I say I have multiple personality disorder.

4. We’ll be attending the National Schizophrenia Convention. Anybody who’s everybody will be there.

3. Nowadays, anger management courses are all the rage.

2. I used to have super powers, but my psychiatrist took them all away.

1. I try to stay in touch with reality but, lately, it hasn’t been returning my calls.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten things the Pilgrims would say if they were alive today

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10. “It seems the Indians here have their own ball team. Two if you count the Redskins!”

9. “This turkey tastes a little funny to me. What breed of turkey is ‘tofu’ exactly?”

8. “And if we wanted to spend the day with our Native Americanm brethren, why would we wish to visit the local gaming emporium?”

7. “Your ancestors came over on the Mayflower? Big deal!”

6. “And you say you can get advice on cooking your bird from yonder handheld talking machine?!”

5 “Of course, when we knew Betty White, she was still in pigtails.”

4. “There is no need to struggle. Why do you not just share the wishbone?”

3. “Jebediah, look! Their leader appears to be a Native American!”

2. “Celebrating this day with giant balloons of cartoon animals! Why did we not think of that?!”

1. “I just ate so much turkey, I had to loosen the buckle on my hat!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten ways to spend your extra hour this coming weekend

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10. Listen to Frédéric Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” 60 times

9. Alphabetize the names of all of Bill Cosby’s victims

8. Watch “The Best of 2 Broke Girls” 120 times

7. Squeeze out and set aside one-inch lengths of toothpaste to save time in the coming weeks

6. Shampoo, rinse, repeat; Shampoo, rinse, repeat; Shampoo, rinse, repeat…

5. Try, again and again, to reset the clock on your VCR

4. Listen to “American Pie” and “Alice’s Restaurant” twice each

3. Share a bottle of Irish whiskey, then see who can say the phrase “Irish wristwatch” the most times in one hour

2. Make love to the wife, then take a nap for the other 55 minutes

1. Put on your Mr. Peabody mask and pretend you’re going back in time
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten signs you’ve had a bad summer

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10. What everyone else thinks is a sunburn is actually a rash

9. You’ve lost so much blood from mosquito bites, they’ve stopped biting you

8. You got in trouble because you were lying stark naked on your hotel bed when the maid walked in…finally!

7. You caught crabs at the beach – but not the edible kind

6. First name Bill, last name Cosby

5. You’re a Republican

4. At the company picnic, you really ticked off the boss by drinking too much beer and then peeing in the swimming pool — from the diving board

3. You wish to God you’d never heard of the website Ashley Madison

2. To cash in on the season, you sank all your money into a chain of California water parks

1. You thought the summer camp you were applying to was dedicated to the ancient Egyptian goddess Isis
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

ends & oddsports

What to say when your spouse says, “I want to be a Vegas escort”

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There comes a point in every marriage where one partner tells the other: “I want to take a break from you and our child and the life we’ve built together to be a prostitute in Las Vegas—see you soon.” Granted, my wife and I haven’t reached this point yet (give us time, people). Nor have any of our friends. Nor has… well, anyone else I’ve ever met or heard of, besides the husband of former Olympian/call girl Suzy Favor Hamilton. For decades, he offered his spouse a love equal parts heartbreaking devotion and spectacularly questionable judgment. [Read more →]

ends & odd

… but NOT Robotly Love, I guess …

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Not as much as I would like, but I try to get back to Philly when I can. Me? I’ve never had any trouble during my visits … but then, I’m not a robot …

Famous hitchhiking robot gets ripped apart in Philadelphia
By Marissa Kabas
The Daily Dot

A hitchhiking robot named hitchBOT set off on a cross-country journey two weeks ago, starting in Boston. It successfully made it through the rough-and-tumble streets of Beantown, Gloucester, Marblehead, and New York City, only to get completely torn apart in Philadelphia. Et tu, City of Brotherly Love?

The rest of the story …

Hmmmm … maybe they should send in Gort next time.

 

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten answers to the question “How hot is it?”

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10. “It’s so hot, Paris Hilton is sleeping with both Ben and Jerry.”

9. “It’s so hot, Dick Cheney was caught waterboarding himself.”

8. “It’s so hot, the supermarket aisle where the unpopped popcorn is kept is blocked by an avalanche of popped popcorn.”

7. “It’s so hot, a Republican actually broke down and admitted Global Warming is real.”

6. “It’s so hot, you recently agreed to become Mrs. Softee.”

5. “It’s so hot, in Colorado, Washington, Alaska and Oregon, joints are lighting themselves.”

4. “It’s so hot, Vladimir Putin has been stockpiling Slurpees.”

3. “It’s so hot, Chris Christie is drawing huge crowds, just for the shade.”

2. “It’s so hot, Pee-wee Herman is wearing his bowtie, and nothing else.”

1. “It’s so hot, I ran into a burning building, just to cool off.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten excuses of Larry Henry, who faces a preliminary hearing on August 4 after being caught on a neighbor’s farm, in the nude, drinking beer among the neighbor’s pigs

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10. “If you saw my ex wife, you’d understand.”

9. “All that beer just got me in the mood for makin’ bacon.”

8. “I think I misunderstood the term ‘animal husbandry’.”

7. “I was only fondling the female pigs – I mean, I ain’t gay or nothin’!”

6. “I just went hog wild!”

5. “Man, it’s true what they say about beer goggles”

4. “I never thought any of them would squeal on me.”

3. “Didn’t you ever have an uncontrollable urge to boink an oink?”

2. “I’d just seen Deliverance on the TV, and I swear that one pig looked exactly like Ned Beatty.”

1. “I was looking for the sheep and I took a wrong turn.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten favorite bumper stickers I’ve actually seen (philosophical)

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10. Where Are We Going, And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

9. I Dream Of A World Where Chickens Can Cross The Road Without Having Their Motives Questioned

8. Inside Every Old Person Is A Young Person Wondering What The Hell Happened

7. Quantum Mechanics: The Dreams Stuff Is Made Of

6. What If The Hokey Pokey Really IS What It’s All About?

5. My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

4. Don’t Believe Everything You Think

3. Love Is Our Soul Purpose

2. The Best Things In Life Aren’t Things

1. Give Me Immortality Or Give Me Death
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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