10. You have more empty takeout containers than P.F. Chang’s
9. You’ve lost three pets to indoor avalanches
8. Your refrigerator mold and your oven mold are caught in a life-and-death struggle
[Read more →]
10. All your chocolate is of the ‘baking’ variety
9. Your Easter eggs have little fuses coming out of them
8. The grass he uses in your Easter basket is from the Dog Park
7. He has “F.U.” shaved into the fur on his back
6. He starts each day by egging your car
5. He told you that Santa wasn’t real
4. He says he wants to cut off your foot to carry around for luck
3. He’s always dissin’ your peeps
2. The eggs hidden on your lawn are six feet deep
1. Those ain’t Raisinets
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Yes, that’s a snake in my pocket, and I’m glad to see you!”
9. “My lips aren’t the only things that are magically delicious.”
8. “You sure know how to turn a guy’s blue balls green!”
7. “My small statute makes some things appear much larger by contrast!”
6. “You sure know how to put the Irish spring in my step!”
5. “I’ll grant ye one wish – as long as it involves my pants.”
4. “In today’s market, do you have any idea what a pot o’ gold is worth?!”
3. “You sure are cute! Part of me is Dublin already!”
2. “Top of the mornin’ to ya! Or would you rather be on the bottom?”
1. “What to see my shillelagh?”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Whitney Houston is dead at 48 due to a self-administered overdose of warm, soapy water; to which she was addicted. It is unclear when she set off down this path. Many observers blame her widower, Bobby Brown, saying that before he came along Whitney took showers, ran through the car wash or just re-applied her hairspray. What cannot be denied is that hers was a daily habit involving gallon upon gallon of the substance she clearly felt was so sweet and embracing but wound up taking her precious life at a tender age. There has been some confusion and dissembling. It should be obvious why Big Bath would be interested in diverting attention from their own intoxicating wares and onto the drugs prescribed for Ms Houston by her doctors or perhaps onto those medicinal preparations from her herbalists. These monopolist robber-barons are already in a stink owing to the epidemic of bath-salts snorting among teens. They fear that their decades…. nay, CENTURIES of sloshing murderous tubs and fragrances onto a hapless humanity (at a tidy profit) might finally come to an end. [Read more →]
When you’re working in a group, it’s hard to know what you truly think. We’re such social animals that we instinctively mimic others’ opinions, often without realizing we’re doing it. And when we do disagree consciously, we pay a psychic price. The Emory University neuroscientist Gregory Berns found that people who dissent from group wisdom show heightened activation in the amygdala, a small organ in the brain associated with the sting of social rejection. Berns calls this the “pain of independence.”
Take the example of brainstorming sessions, which have been wildly popular in corporate America since the 1950s, when they were pioneered by a charismatic ad executive named Alex Osborn. [Read more →]
From the cage beneath the cellar, a random spattering of hyperlinks.
Inside New York's abandoned leper colony
Recently I was browsing in a used book store when I stumbled upon a soldier’s Japanese phrasebook from World War II. Between faded orange covers I found a treasure trove of fascinating words and phrases- certainly it’s the most useful text published by the U.S. War Department I’ve encountered since that pamphlet on sexual hygiene for GIs I found in a Texas ghost town a few years back. It does lack for detailed diagrams of human genitalia, however.
Like most phrasebooks it contains all the standard terminology related to greetings, asking for directions and finding lodgings, but the structure and at least half of the language is strictly determined by the context of war. Thus it begins not with “Hello” and “My name is…” but rather a set of “Emergency Expressions” the very first of which is: [Read more →]
10. I resolve to finish that pro-Catholic pornographic musical I’ve been working on
9. I resolve to eat my weight in marzipan
8. I resolve to finally find Waldo
7. I resolve to keep my ambitions within reach
6. I resolve to solve world hunger
5. I resolve to e-mail back that Nigerian prince who keeps trying to contact me
4. I resolve to think of another password for my computer besides ‘password’
3. I resolve to drive by a gym at least three times a week
2. I resolve to keep all my resolutions to myself this year
1. I resolve to limit my number of resolutions to nine
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Instead of ‘Naughty’ or ‘Nice’ you’re on his ‘Asshole’ list
9. He leaves a note saying, “You better watch out! You better not cry! You better not shout while I’m torturing you!”
8. He smears reindeer poop all over your drapes
7. Your biggest gift is Newt Gingrich’s To Save America
6. He pours eggnog into your Christmas stocking
5. You’re constantly being tripped by sinister-looking elves
4. As he drives out of sight, he exclaims, “Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night…except you, you bastard!”
3. All the candy canes he leaves you contain fish hooks
2. Instead of ‘jolly’ you’d have to describe his demeanor as ‘malevolent’
1. When you try to sit on his lap, he jumps out of the way
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
