As a wise man once said, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” So there I was on a brilliant sunshiny January morning dancing up Broad Street wearing an over-sized satiny dress with about 2,000 similarly dressed whack jobs, looking for all the world like Dean Wormer’s worst nightmare, when it occurred to me that nowhere but in Philadelphia can so many guys look like frat brothers from Animal House on New Year’s Day and consider it a way of life. What would Philadelphia be without the mummers? Another city certainly.

Mummers are the bad boys of the western world. The Deltas in an Alpha culture. Been that way since the Romans called it Saturnalia. Kings dressed as slaves. Men dressed as women. City folk dressed as farm boys. The best fool became the wisest man. It was an extended solstice festival, like Christmas through Carnival. And any bozo who dragged it out past the end of March was labeled an April fool.

Philadelphia takes care of all that in a single day, or thereabouts. And that single day identifies Philadelphia to itself. The world may not know mummers but we do. This past New Year’s parade clocked in at a record six hours and 30 minutes. It was a cold glorious day. Brilliant winter light shined on Broad Street as if the sun was a spotlight at the Navy Yard. And yet the crowds took a hike. The fans and first timers remained and had a great time. What’s not to like? A wonderful parade on a beautiful day. But there was nobody there. I’m talking nobody-deep on the west side of Broad and Pine when the ninth string band passed.

I know why, of course. Who would bring their family out to watch a parade that might not happen? Or if it does happen there might be a work stoppage? Or if there is a parade it might turn violent if the fat, drunk and stupid parts of both cultures act up. So the bad press about the mummers-City Hall conflict cooled off the size of the crowd as much as the cold day. And boy what a great show they missed. But one thing is for sure, the mummers are as big a part of Philadelphia as any sports team and the thought of a New Year’s Day without a parade is as unthinkable as a spring without the Phillies or an autumn without the Eagles. And the powers that be ought to accommodate that reality into the annual budget instead of acting like the mummers can be put on double secret probation.

Photo of Clark the Mummer by Chris Dwyer. Photo of Fat, Drunk and Stupid by Clark DeLeon.

Tags: easy go, ends & odd
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I am so exhausted from this weekend. Literally hung over — without the benefit the alcohol would have provided the night before. Thanksgiving was a calm day with 13 adults (and seven children, between the ages of two and ten) over for dinner. Twenty people is actually a relatively small gathering for us; plus, the kids don’t really count. By 10pm everything was cleaned up, the extra tables and chairs were back in the basement, and the kids (my two, plus a sleepover buddy) were out cold. I can’t even claim cooking exhaustion since everyone brought a dish, allowing my husband and I to worry primarily about the set-up, the 20 lb. turkey, and the stuffing.

The rest of the long weekend was not overly involved but, for some reason, I still felt spent. So now, Sunday night, I am sitting at my computer thinking of all of the things I should be doing but can’t bring myself to do. The emails I have flagged. The facebook invites I have pending. The holiday shopping I need to do online. The new business I have to find. The list goes on! But sometimes you just have to say screw it and ignore all of those nagging things. So, instead of feeling guilty about avoiding my to-do list I gave myself permission to aimlessly surf. And it was worth it.

Check out this 3-minute trailer for The PenIsMightier that I found on Buzz Feed. It woke me up from my sleepy state and made me laugh. In case you, too, are feeling the holiday hang over, this video on the “epic struggle of straight-edge rulers and the mighty pen that brought freedom to pencils” will give you a jolt.

Tags: art & entertainment, ends & odd
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“I wonder who made this mess with the same kind of food I just cooked.”

“This is probably mine.”  

“My room is where dishes go.”   

“It is the future and ice trays refill themselves.”   

“Our TV has a sensor on it that knows when you leave the room.”

“Dishes are transported from the sink to the dishwasher through a magical process no one can fully understand.”

“Everyone likes dance music.”

“I wonder where these paper towels always come from.”

“I don’t know why people buy laundry detergent when they can just use the bottles that grow out of the laundry machine for free.”

“When you brush crumbs onto the ground they disappear.”

“If I take only one beer from you every day, when it comes down to it, it’s really like I’m not taking any.”

“We live in such a good neighborhood that we don’t need to lock our doors.”

“Why does the trash always disappear on Monday?”  

Tags: diatribes, ends & odd
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Activity One:  Make Lamb Stew, Rake Leaves, Eat Lamb Stew

Details:  On late autumn/early winter day of November 12, while wife and daughter are at rehearsal, make from-scratch lamb stew in totally disorganized and improvisational fashion, using no recipe.  Rake wet leaves in front yard, and drag to curb.  Eat stew.

Ingredients: 

Two large lamb chops, salted and broiled until very rare, then cubed
12 tiny potatoes, halved
5 small turnips that have been in refrigerator for month, cubed
5 stalks of celery, chopped
2 large white onions, cut into large chunks
7 carrots, peeled and chopped
7 large bags of wet leaves [Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd, recipes & food
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There is an entire site devoted to tampon crafts. Really! It is absolutely ridiculous — but yet so fantastic. How do people have time to do this sort of thing? I wonder, did someone in this house recently go through menopause, leaving boxes of different kinds of tampons to get rid of?

My favorite design is this simple ghost for Halloween. I bet most men out there wouldn’t even realize it was a tampon (Guys, feel free to correct me if I am wrong). And for those of you wanting for go green this holiday season, check out the Christmas lights that have no need for electricity.

Seriously, would you ever?

Hat Tip to White Trash Mom for finding this site!

Tags: ends & odd
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With the presidential election coming up and all this stuff about a bailout and the environment and gas prices, etc., I know what a lot of you must be thinking: “Hey, what’s the deal with this stuff?” Believe me, I hear you. Knowing stuff about what’s going on in the world has never been easy. Because of this, I have constructed this guide for what to do and what not to do if you find yourself caught in a heated political debate. Use it carefully and have fun politicking! [Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd, rulers & ruled
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Is battery on a police officer a felony? If so, Jose A. Cruz is in a lot of trouble.

A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer […] “The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons,” the complaint alleged.

The AP reports that Cruz claims that he didn’t “aim gas at the patrolman.” That’s right — “aim gas.” Like it’s a chemical weapon we’re talking about, some deadly toxin like sarin gas.

Speaking of disgusting bodily functions, sometimes they actually do cause harm. In what is being characterized as a prank, “[p]olice say members of an Arizona State University fraternity vomited milk from a campus bridge and caused a car crash that injured two people.” Throwing (up) projectiles from an overpass to an active roadway is not a prank. It’s a crime.

Tags: ends & odd, on the law
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What’s with trains lately?

First we have the very serious, terrible story of the California train crash that, last I saw, killed 26 people. The engineer apparently ran a red light and is reported to have sent a text message just before the crash. Human error was named the cause of the crash. Maybe we’ll never know precisely what role texting played in that error, but texting while driving a train is far beyond stupid.

Also in train news, on a lighter note because no one died, in this case alcohol was a factor. I know, shocking. Stupidity was a factor, too. How can you be this dumb and live to be 34?

And the trains keep on coming. No one died, but alcohol was a factor here, too. And cigarettes. If you think it’s more careless and drunk than stupid, you’re wrong. It’s stupid.

In non-train stupidity, alcohol was also a factor here. Falling asleep in a store you’re trying to rob is stupid.

But let’s not blame alcohol for every minor indiscretion. Crack deserves some credit, too.

Tags: ends & odd, low & high
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I was at an enormous Asian supermarket called Super H today and I saw, among all the shelves of miso, tofu, and kim chee, a new kind of iced coffee from Japan called “Let’s Be Bitter.”  (There’s a companion brand called “Let’s Be Mild.”)  Although I resisted the impulse to buy either variety, I was inspired by the names to dig up some old files of strange and astonishing “Janglish” I collected the last time I was in Japan.   All of the following are real, as hard as some of them may be to believe:  [Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd, sticks & stones
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… these recent news items. Fortunately for you, I keep an eye out for the important stories:

This guy should get a job … in professional wrestling.

I know lots of fellas from college who would have done this. Good call, detective.

And forget the rest of this article — the truly shocking thing is that “Denny’s closed for the night.”

Until next time, you can rest easy knowing that even if you miss the most pressing current events, I won’t.

Tags: ends & odd, trusted media
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I had an opportunity, recently, to reflect on the nature of man’s search for unique ways to express his creative drive in socially acceptable fashion.

My, that sounded pretentious, didn’t it? The truth is that I got frustrated and didn’t have a clue why. This led to one of those moments I, like most people, avoid like the plague.

Self-evaluation. [Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, ends & odd
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June 6, 2008
I dream I am in a combination university/world’s fair and I need a bathroom. Steven Feinberg from elementary school gets there before I do, so Gail encourages me to try the medieval bathroom. There is a steep cobblestone ramp [Read more →]

Tags: Fred's dreams, ends & odd
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I’ve recently learned through the magic of the internet that that staple of physical comedy in the modern era, the blow to the male groin, has reached its apotheosis in a YouTube favorite called Kicked in the Nuts.  If you have not watched this bit of entertainment, the segments feature a wiry man sporting a bright orange wig — reminiscent of Carrot Top or the McDonald’s clown — who sneaks up on unsuspecting victims and kicks them in the groin. [Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, ends & odd
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Once a week, my family dresses in pioneer clothes, and steps into time — full skirts, long sleeves, aprons, pantaloons, bonnets, and boots. Our invention for time traveling is an air-conditioned car. Once I drive through the gates, we’ve arrived in the 1800’s. [Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd
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