Entries Tagged as 'ends & odd'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten things you don’t want to hear at today’s Memorial Day barbecue

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10. “These GMO burgers actually glow in the dark!”

9. “Those chicken breasts won’t burn; I coated them in Vaseline.”

8. “What’s Cousin Sid processing those Memorial Day poppies into?”

7. “Before you try the coleslaw, would you mind signing this waiver?”

6. “Why would someone route a Memorial Day Parade right through the middle of our barbeque?”

5. “Who invited Chris Christie? – and where’d all the steaks go?”

4. “On this Memorial Day, let us remember those people Memorial Day was designed to memorialize….It can’t be veterans; that’s Veterans Day!”

3. “That’s not mayonnaise; you’re standing under a tree.”

2. “Uncle Harvey, I think the tradition is to lower your flag to half-mast, not your pants to half-assed.”

1. “Why does everything on the grill have a long thin tail?”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten signs your home is due for a spring cleaning

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10. You have more burger wrappers than McDonald’s

9. When you move your Christmas tree, you find that missing Halloween pumpkin

8. You wipe your feet on the mat before stepping outside

7. When somebody asks, “What died in here?” you give them a list

6. The Health Department has declared your living room eligible for FEMA funds

5. The odor has that certain ‘flatulent-skunk-in-an-outhouse-getting-a-perm’ mystique

4. Your bathroom has hot and cold running goo

3. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come inside

2. One of the dust bunnies under your bed just bit you on the ankle

1. Something keeps closing your refrigerator door from the inside
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten worst things to hear on a blind date

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10. “Ignore my mom, she comes everywhere with me.”

9. “Would you mind if I put my cellphone on the table? I’m expecting a call from my parole officer.”

8. “Listen, at least you know a stalker is always there for ya.”

7. “You looked so much prettier in your profile pic.”

6. (leaning forward and taking your hand) “Marry me! Please! I’m desperate!”

5. “But, why can’t I use this dollar-off-dinner coupon in combination with my two-for-one coupon?”

4. “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

3. “Yes, I’m that Bill Cosby and, no, there’s nothing in your drink.”

2. “Pardon my cough; I think it’s just something I picked up hiking through Liberia.”

1. “Quit looking at the bottoms of your shoes. That’s just how I smell.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten things overheard at the wedding of Grace Gelder, the first woman in England to marry herself

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10. “When she proposed to herself, I heard at first she played hard to get.”

9. “I’m glad they now allow same-sex marriages here; otherwise, this’d be really difficult to pull off.”

8. “Was there a pre-nup?”

7. “The ring exchange is going to be bloody awkward.”

6. “I know I’m old-fashioned, but does anybody know if the couple saved themself for marriage?”

5. “Did anyone clue in the minister? He looks mighty confused!”

4. “My God! She’s also one of her own bridesmaids!”

3. “And now she’s giving herself away!”

2. “Yay! She even caught the bouquet!”

1. “And now she’s releasing dozens of pigeons wearing tiny little Grace Gelder masks!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten one-liners (the sequel)

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10. I hate people who take things literally – they should leave them where they are.

9. Nowadays, Bill Cosby is spending most of his time on his farm, watching the chickens come home to roost.

8. Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee looks larger and larger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.

7. One of my favorite hobbies is writing “You have no new messages” on a slip of paper, sticking it in a bottle, and throwing it into the ocean.

6. Why do some women feel the need to talk so much – I mean, do they think, “Well, I’m breathing out anyway”?

5. My doctor e-mailed me asking me what my “blod type” was – he actually spelled it B.L.O.D. – so I had to e-mail him back: “Typo.”

4. A new poll about the 2016 election shows that just 27% of voters would be likely to support Chris Christie – and 4% of chairs.

3. I have a button on my microwave that says “STOP TIME,” and I’m assuming it means “TIMER,” but I’m not touching it, just in case.

2. Always remember: In this country, a white policeman who shoots an unarmed black teenager is still considered innocent – until a grand jury finds him innocent.

1. I just bought a ten-gallon bottle of Liquid Paper – Big mistake!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentends & odd

7 unanswerable questions Bill Cosby made me contemplate

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How much does Cosby biographer Mark Whitaker suck? I can understand not wanting to dwell on the allegations of abuse so much it became the focus of Cosby: His Life and Times…but wasn’t there some room for them in its 500-plus pages? (It includes a 19-page chapter called “The Art of Jell-O.”) Why do I feel like if Whitaker wrote a book about Ted Bundy it would focus on Ted’s academic performance at law school? [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten things the Pilgrims would say if they were alive today

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10. “This turkey tastes really odd. What breed of turkey, exactly, is a ‘Tofu’?”

9. “And if I wanted to spend the day with my Indian brethren, why would I want to visit a gaming emporium?”

8. “Well, I think thine clothing looketh equally as bizarre!”

7. “And you can get advice on cooking your bird from yonder handheld talking machine?!”

6. “Big deal! So your ancestors came over on the Mayflower!”

5. “Let me get this straight: You commemorated the colony of Plymouth by naming a horseless carriage after it?”

4. “Jebediah, look! Their leader appears to be a Native American!”

3. “There is no need to struggle! Why do you not just share the wishbone?!”

2. “Celebrating Thanksgiving by having extra early Christmas sales! – Why did we not think of that?!”

1. “Hey! Let us out of these boxes! ’Tis dark in here, and dirt keeps comingeth through yon ceiling!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten excuses of 26-year-old Doug Adams, who was accused of masturbating on a flight from Boston to Los Angeles

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10. He was flying on Virgin Airlines, and he was one

9. The in-flight chicken was finger-lickin’ good, and one thing led to another

8. He was flying first class, and everybody knows they’re a bunch of wankers

7. His entertainment system wasn’t working, so he had to provide his own

6. His date for the Mile High Club missed the plane

5. Different strokes for different folks

4. None of the flight attendants was providing service, so he decided to take matters into his own hands

3. He couldn’t get the song California Here I Come out of his head

2. He was afraid of flying, and just wanted to get off

1. He misunderstood the pilot’s instructions about “an upright and locked position”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten leftover Halloween candies

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10. Good & Sunni

9. Osmond Joy

8. Middlefinger

7. SweeFarts

6. Dixie Chicks Pixy Stix

5. Boston Baked Lentil Beans

4. Bit-O-Honey Boo Boo

3. Dingleberry Crunch

2. Kandi Kale

1. Ebola Granola
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten little known facts about werewolves

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10. They prefer the name “lycanthropes”

9. During a half moon, they become slightly hairy

8. They actually get along great with vampires

7. Favorite singer: Warren Zevon

6. Wolfsbane doesn’t work, but silver bullets do

5. Most of them vote Republican

4. Thought Jack Nicholson was a lot cooler than Lon Chaney, Jr. or Taylor Lautner

3. Wolfman Jack was a fraud

2. It’s very dangerous to moon them

1. Prefer the Schick Quattro to the Gillette Mach 3, but what they really need is a five-blade razor
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten complaints of Danielle Davies, a 39-year-old New Jersey woman who is dating a life-size cardboard cutout of Bradley Cooper

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10. “The police still won’t let me use the car pool lane.”

9. “Every time we go to dinner, it always winds up being my treat!

8. “My Robert Downey Jr. cutout is always getting jealous.”

7. “The lack of a sense of humor at construction sites when I slip him under the wheels of a steam roller.”

6. “The ordeal of having to meet his cardboard cutout parents.”

5. “The fact that we can only go out when it’s not raining.”

4. “His constantly referring to himself as a ‘working stiff’.”

3. “It seems like I’m always the one who has to initiate sex.”

2. “Sometimes I get tired of his one-dimensional acting.”

1. “Paper cuts.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten suggested new slogans for GM

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10. Our Cars Switch Off Randomly – Saving You Gas!

9. Igniting Excitement!

8. Our Cars Are Captivating! (Not Decapitating)

7. We’ve Already Fired Our Criminals!

6. Our Newest Models Are Positively Kevorkianesque!

5. In A Word: Smashing!

4. A Car You Really Have To Look Out For!

3. General Motors – A Product Name That’s Easy To Recall!

2. We Put Safety First! (If You Don’t Count Profits)

1. We Make Every Trip An Adventure!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

ends & oddfamily & parenting

Supermama

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So, I just made a list. I’m a pretty serious lister in my work life, not as much in my home life. This one is for my life life. Kind of a “get a life” list. It has six things on it now, but I might have forgotten something, I’ll let it sit on the desk a while before I decide it’s done, at least a couple of days. I mean, these things have been bouncing around in my head for a few years, what could a couple more days hurt?
I basically just made the list because I have so much rushing through my head all the time, so many things that I wonder about, maybe I could be doing this thing or maybe I should be doing that thing, that I feel totally overwhelmed to even spend a moment trying to figure it out.
I was sitting here trying to think of which girlfriends could talk me off this ledge, and then I realized that if I don’t understand it, how will they? Then I started crying, for Pete’s sake. List is for that, too.
I feel this pressure, probably mostly internal, but there are these Supermamas all around me. Some I work around or see around town, a lot that I find on the web at night when I’m trying to tune out my brain. (Like I used to do with books, sigh.) It almost feels like having kids spurs some women into action. Doesn’t it seem like that is the case?  She couldn’t find nontoxic detergent so she formulated one in her kitchen! She couldn’t find organic baby shampoo that her family could afford, so she started making it in her garage! She couldn’t find Earth Mama Angel Baby Bottom Balm locally, so she opened a shop! She wanted to do yoga with her kids, so she started a baby and me yoga studio! Oh, these mamas, they all have a thing, a niche, a purpose above and beyond the one that all mamas have (ya know, that bit about raising fairly well adjusted and productive members of society).
I seem to end up with a job, but not a thing, not a purpose, not an entrepreneurial calling, not a personal passion.
And, fuck, I WANT ONE. I have to have one. Maybe I’m not feeling any external pressure at all. Maybe that knot in my gut is just ENVY!
Before I had kids I always had a thing. You know, it’s that thing that is your real thing at parties. Someone asks you what you do. You tell them what pays you, then you say “but, right now I’m editing my second music video that I’ve also produced, and I’m loving it.”
How do these Supermamas have the energy to have a thing, kids, and a happy marriage? Or, even just a regular marriage? Is their house a wreck? Does anyone get fed/cradled/band-aided/helped with homework? Because, oh my God, I’m tired most days. I truly feel like I should be able to pull this off. But, if I’m already tired… Who adds to this amount of responsibility voluntarily? Oh yeah, those bitches over there. Fucking Pinterest. What it’s really here for, I just know it, is to show me how everyone else is doing this better. And cleverer. And craftier.
Meanwhile, I have a job that doesn’t suck at all, and is only 30 hours a week. I leave nearly every day in time to pick up my kids from school. (Now, this is new, maybe three months so far). I have a husband that does dishes and laundry (and has a thing, btw, more sighing). I have a decent support system of other moms and family. I have some people in my corner. (It just occurred to me that they are probably wondering what happened to my thing, too. Bah ha ha!) So, again, I really should be able to pull this off. Whatever this is.
I’ve got six ideas.
I’ll either put them on tiny slips and pull one out of a hat, or I’ll torture my friends by discussing it with them until they pick one for me out of sheer exhaustion, or maybe I’ll make a pros and cons poster, or use 3×5 cards.
It’s also very possible that I will just go back to what I’ve been doing, without a thing, which is still a lot. Just not enough somehow.

ends & oddThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that twerking will stop

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 4440: The way the Emperor sees it (i.e. the way you will also see it), those who twerk and those who enjoy the sight of twerking are sub-standard human beings. They are devoid of any hint of subtlety or of any inkling as to the meaning of true sensuality. The Empire can only be improved by their absence. The Emperor’s world is drowning in a flood of sexual literality and in-your-fasceness. Coquettish innuendo has given way to boring, ubiquitous, cookie-cutter shamelessness.

The Punishment: Twerkers and, if you will (let’s face it: even if you won’t), “twerkees,” will be gathered up by the Imperial Dance Police and taken to what we like to call the “Dungeon Twerk-off.” The judges: famished Imperial lions. After all, if people want to be seen as meat, why should we stop them?

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten “Did you know…?”s

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10. Did you know that the bigger they are, the harder they’re going to hit you?

9. Did you know that the reason all nurses carry red pens is so that they can draw blood?

8. Did you know that there’s no use beating a dead horse – unless you’re into that kinda thing?

7. Did you know that while two out of three may not be bad, it’s still below 70%, so you’ve just failed your pop quiz?

6. Did you know that the best way to a man’s heart is up between his third and fourth ribs?

5. Did you know that a tree falling in the forest with no one there to hear it, also probably doesn’t have anyone there to see it either, which would have been much better proof?!

4. Did you know that, now that graphic designer Fernando Sosa has designed a butt plug shaped like Vladimir Putin, Sosa can just use Vladimir’s last name as the instructions?

3. Did you know that four out of five doctors think that that fifth guy is a moron!

2. Did you know that cauliflower is really just broccoli that once received a severe freight?

1. Did you know that Sarah Palin thinks “Ukraine” is the name of a construction site equipment rental business?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsends & odd

A passage through India

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I landed in New Delhi, inhaled, and immediately liked India. [Read more →]

ends & odd

Horses and Hotels

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“The only hotel in the UK with its own polo fields.” Having worked in professions that required me both to read and to write many press releases, I have come to appreciate phrases that make me say, “I have never seen quite that combination of words before.” Such is the case with Coworth Park in Ascot, England. I’ve been fortunate enough to do a fair amount of traveling and experience accommodations at a variety of quality levels, but this is the only one that made me understand the drive to build an empire.

To begin, I should note that, no matter how many times I visit Britain, I still tend to see it through the filter of film/TV. My subconscious wants to classify all of the United Kingdom as either:
-Downton Abbey
-Trainspotting

[Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten 2014 New Year’s Resolutions I’ve already broken

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10. I will never again smash into somebody’s car just to knock the cell phone out of their hand.

9. I promise to lose weight – or at least stay the same.

8. I will use less deodorant and do more laundry.

7. I won’t tug on Superman’s cape.

6. I won’t spit into the wind.

5. I won’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.

4. I won’t mess around with Jim.

3. Never again will I take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. I swear, this year, to keep all my resolutions secret!

1. No more late-night carousing with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford,
and no more all-you-can-eat buffets with Chris Christie.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

damned liesends & odd

A visit to St. Nick

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Twas the night before Wednesday, when all through the house,
“It’s a feature of Tuesday,” the man started to grouse.
The mockings were flung by the chummy who bear
good tidings to all, no need to despair.

The shoppers were wrestled, tho’ sick in the head,
while visions of sweet-deals they charged to their cred.
All for the purchase of some Christmas crap,
gift-giving that leads into a debt-trap. [Read more →]

ends & oddsports

Aliens invading your brain: a mixed blessing

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The future career of temporarily retired Ultimate Fighting Championship competitor Georges St-Pierre hinges on one simple question: will the aliens who periodically steal time from him once again use those hours wisely?

For those not in the know about mixed martial arts, GSP was a champion welterweight who for years was not only unbeaten, but largely untested.

Then he fought Johny Hendricks, a man who seems to consist entirely of fists and beard.

St-Pierre technically emerged from the fight with his 12-bout winning streak intact, taking a decision that was close, controversial, and almost certainly wrong. This win created one of the stranger spectacles in fight history as the “victorious” St-Pierre, both eyes blackened and the rest of his head either cut or puffy — Hendricks was basically untouched, except for a pair of hands grotesquely swollen from pounding on Georges — offered what seemed less a post-fight interview than a cry for help, hitting repeatedly on the themes:

-He didn’t remember much of the fight

-He needed to go away for a bit

-He no longer slept

-He was going crazy [Read more →]

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