Entries Tagged as 'ends & odd'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten complaints of Danielle Davies, a 39-year-old New Jersey woman who is dating a life-size cardboard cutout of Bradley Cooper

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10. “The police still won’t let me use the car pool lane.”

9. “Every time we go to dinner, it always winds up being my treat!

8. “My Robert Downey Jr. cutout is always getting jealous.”

7. “The lack of a sense of humor at construction sites when I slip him under the wheels of a steam roller.”

6. “The ordeal of having to meet his cardboard cutout parents.”

5. “The fact that we can only go out when it’s not raining.”

4. “His constantly referring to himself as a ‘working stiff’.”

3. “It seems like I’m always the one who has to initiate sex.”

2. “Sometimes I get tired of his one-dimensional acting.”

1. “Paper cuts.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten suggested new slogans for GM

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10. Our Cars Switch Off Randomly – Saving You Gas!

9. Igniting Excitement!

8. Our Cars Are Captivating! (Not Decapitating)

7. We’ve Already Fired Our Criminals!

6. Our Newest Models Are Positively Kevorkianesque!

5. In A Word: Smashing!

4. A Car You Really Have To Look Out For!

3. General Motors – A Product Name That’s Easy To Recall!

2. We Put Safety First! (If You Don’t Count Profits)

1. We Make Every Trip An Adventure!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

ends & oddfamily & parenting

Supermama

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So, I just made a list. I’m a pretty serious lister in my work life, not as much in my home life. This one is for my life life. Kind of a “get a life” list. It has six things on it now, but I might have forgotten something, I’ll let it sit on the desk a while before I decide it’s done, at least a couple of days. I mean, these things have been bouncing around in my head for a few years, what could a couple more days hurt?
I basically just made the list because I have so much rushing through my head all the time, so many things that I wonder about, maybe I could be doing this thing or maybe I should be doing that thing, that I feel totally overwhelmed to even spend a moment trying to figure it out.
I was sitting here trying to think of which girlfriends could talk me off this ledge, and then I realized that if I don’t understand it, how will they? Then I started crying, for Pete’s sake. List is for that, too.
I feel this pressure, probably mostly internal, but there are these Supermamas all around me. Some I work around or see around town, a lot that I find on the web at night when I’m trying to tune out my brain. (Like I used to do with books, sigh.) It almost feels like having kids spurs some women into action. Doesn’t it seem like that is the case?  She couldn’t find nontoxic detergent so she formulated one in her kitchen! She couldn’t find organic baby shampoo that her family could afford, so she started making it in her garage! She couldn’t find Earth Mama Angel Baby Bottom Balm locally, so she opened a shop! She wanted to do yoga with her kids, so she started a baby and me yoga studio! Oh, these mamas, they all have a thing, a niche, a purpose above and beyond the one that all mamas have (ya know, that bit about raising fairly well adjusted and productive members of society).
I seem to end up with a job, but not a thing, not a purpose, not an entrepreneurial calling, not a personal passion.
And, fuck, I WANT ONE. I have to have one. Maybe I’m not feeling any external pressure at all. Maybe that knot in my gut is just ENVY!
Before I had kids I always had a thing. You know, it’s that thing that is your real thing at parties. Someone asks you what you do. You tell them what pays you, then you say “but, right now I’m editing my second music video that I’ve also produced, and I’m loving it.”
How do these Supermamas have the energy to have a thing, kids, and a happy marriage? Or, even just a regular marriage? Is their house a wreck? Does anyone get fed/cradled/band-aided/helped with homework? Because, oh my God, I’m tired most days. I truly feel like I should be able to pull this off. But, if I’m already tired… Who adds to this amount of responsibility voluntarily? Oh yeah, those bitches over there. Fucking Pinterest. What it’s really here for, I just know it, is to show me how everyone else is doing this better. And cleverer. And craftier.
Meanwhile, I have a job that doesn’t suck at all, and is only 30 hours a week. I leave nearly every day in time to pick up my kids from school. (Now, this is new, maybe three months so far). I have a husband that does dishes and laundry (and has a thing, btw, more sighing). I have a decent support system of other moms and family. I have some people in my corner. (It just occurred to me that they are probably wondering what happened to my thing, too. Bah ha ha!) So, again, I really should be able to pull this off. Whatever this is.
I’ve got six ideas.
I’ll either put them on tiny slips and pull one out of a hat, or I’ll torture my friends by discussing it with them until they pick one for me out of sheer exhaustion, or maybe I’ll make a pros and cons poster, or use 3×5 cards.
It’s also very possible that I will just go back to what I’ve been doing, without a thing, which is still a lot. Just not enough somehow.

ends & oddThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that twerking will stop

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 4440: The way the Emperor sees it (i.e. the way you will also see it), those who twerk and those who enjoy the sight of twerking are sub-standard human beings. They are devoid of any hint of subtlety or of any inkling as to the meaning of true sensuality. The Empire can only be improved by their absence. The Emperor’s world is drowning in a flood of sexual literality and in-your-fasceness. Coquettish innuendo has given way to boring, ubiquitous, cookie-cutter shamelessness.

The Punishment: Twerkers and, if you will (let’s face it: even if you won’t), “twerkees,” will be gathered up by the Imperial Dance Police and taken to what we like to call the “Dungeon Twerk-off.” The judges: famished Imperial lions. After all, if people want to be seen as meat, why should we stop them?

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten “Did you know…?”s

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10. Did you know that the bigger they are, the harder they’re going to hit you?

9. Did you know that the reason all nurses carry red pens is so that they can draw blood?

8. Did you know that there’s no use beating a dead horse – unless you’re into that kinda thing?

7. Did you know that while two out of three may not be bad, it’s still below 70%, so you’ve just failed your pop quiz?

6. Did you know that the best way to a man’s heart is up between his third and fourth ribs?

5. Did you know that a tree falling in the forest with no one there to hear it, also probably doesn’t have anyone there to see it either, which would have been much better proof?!

4. Did you know that, now that graphic designer Fernando Sosa has designed a butt plug shaped like Vladimir Putin, Sosa can just use Vladimir’s last name as the instructions?

3. Did you know that four out of five doctors think that that fifth guy is a moron!

2. Did you know that cauliflower is really just broccoli that once received a severe freight?

1. Did you know that Sarah Palin thinks “Ukraine” is the name of a construction site equipment rental business?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsends & odd

A passage through India

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I landed in New Delhi, inhaled, and immediately liked India. [Read more →]

ends & odd

Horses and Hotels

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“The only hotel in the UK with its own polo fields.” Having worked in professions that required me both to read and to write many press releases, I have come to appreciate phrases that make me say, “I have never seen quite that combination of words before.” Such is the case with Coworth Park in Ascot, England. I’ve been fortunate enough to do a fair amount of traveling and experience accommodations at a variety of quality levels, but this is the only one that made me understand the drive to build an empire.

To begin, I should note that, no matter how many times I visit Britain, I still tend to see it through the filter of film/TV. My subconscious wants to classify all of the United Kingdom as either:
-Downton Abbey
-Trainspotting

[Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten 2014 New Year’s Resolutions I’ve already broken

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10. I will never again smash into somebody’s car just to knock the cell phone out of their hand.

9. I promise to lose weight – or at least stay the same.

8. I will use less deodorant and do more laundry.

7. I won’t tug on Superman’s cape.

6. I won’t spit into the wind.

5. I won’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.

4. I won’t mess around with Jim.

3. Never again will I take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. I swear, this year, to keep all my resolutions secret!

1. No more late-night carousing with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford,
and no more all-you-can-eat buffets with Chris Christie.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

damned liesends & odd

A visit to St. Nick

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Twas the night before Wednesday, when all through the house,
“It’s a feature of Tuesday,” the man started to grouse.
The mockings were flung by the chummy who bear
good tidings to all, no need to despair.

The shoppers were wrestled, tho’ sick in the head,
while visions of sweet-deals they charged to their cred.
All for the purchase of some Christmas crap,
gift-giving that leads into a debt-trap. [Read more →]

ends & oddsports

Aliens invading your brain: a mixed blessing

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The future career of temporarily retired Ultimate Fighting Championship competitor Georges St-Pierre hinges on one simple question: will the aliens who periodically steal time from him once again use those hours wisely?

For those not in the know about mixed martial arts, GSP was a champion welterweight who for years was not only unbeaten, but largely untested.

Then he fought Johny Hendricks, a man who seems to consist entirely of fists and beard.

St-Pierre technically emerged from the fight with his 12-bout winning streak intact, taking a decision that was close, controversial, and almost certainly wrong. This win created one of the stranger spectacles in fight history as the “victorious” St-Pierre, both eyes blackened and the rest of his head either cut or puffy — Hendricks was basically untouched, except for a pair of hands grotesquely swollen from pounding on Georges — offered what seemed less a post-fight interview than a cry for help, hitting repeatedly on the themes:

-He didn’t remember much of the fight

-He needed to go away for a bit

-He no longer slept

-He was going crazy [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten signs you ate too much on Thanksgiving

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10. You just woke up from your tryptophan coma

9. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy came out

8. You had so many helpings of mashed potatoes, you set off another famine in Ireland

7. Everyone in Jersey keeps calling you “Governor”

6. All your pets are missing

5. Both Ben and Jerry have friended you on Facebook

4. The Republicans are trying to shut down your mouth

3. You needed the Jaws of Life to get out of your Barcalounger

2. In the movie Gravity, you are clearly visible sitting in your backyard

1. You tried twerking, and set off an earthquake in Guatemala
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

all workbooks & writing

Of Time and the Park

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Today was a singularly beautiful day in New York – a sparkling October day in mid-November, sunny, warm, a light breeze – and perfect for a two-hour walk  around the Drive in Central Park. (I used to run it in under an hour, but what the hell.) [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten ways people spent their extra hour this past weekend

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10. Tried to re-set the clock on their VCR

9. Listened to Don McLean’s American Pie seven times

8. Got all their exercise out of the way for the rest of the year

7. Just sat back and thought about how much the Giants really suck

6. Watched The Best of Two and a Half Men 30 times

5. Tried to see who could say “Irish wristwatch” out loud ten times the fastest

4. Shared a bottle of Scotch, then played “Irish wristwatch” again

3. Made love to the wife, followed by a 55-minute nap

2. Played Candy Crush, and still couldn’t complete Level 197

1. Put on their Mr. Peabody mask and pretended they were in the Wayback Machine, going back one hour
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten lifeguard pickup lines

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10. “Need a little help with your breaststroke?”

9. “You’re also supposed to wait half an hour after making love.”

8. “Okay if I practice my mouth-to-mouth?”

7. “Want to play with my ‘pool toy’?”

6. “Help! I’m drowning!…In your eyes!”

5. “This isn’t a nude beach, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”

4. “I’m caught in an undertow of love.”

3. “Your body is harder than my plastic CPR dummy.”

2. “The sign says ‘Lifeguard on Duty,” but I wish it said ‘Lifeguard on Cutie’.”

1. “Look out there on the water, it’s just like us: buoy meets gull.”

 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

ends & oddphotography

Glimpses of Syria 2009

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In the fall of 2009 I traveled to Jordan and Syria with a group organized by the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York.  Since the outbreak of Syria’s civil war, which to date has killed some 93,000 people, I’ve often thought back to the peaceful country I visited just a year and a half earlier.  I found a  landscape of green hills, desert and sea that in some ways resembles Oregon, cities full of friendly people and intriguing souks, and everywhere wonderful smells of fruit, spices, and flowers.  I think back on those scents and they return to me as an emblem of Syria’s beauty and a prayer for peace.  Here are a few photographs of my trip.

[Read more →]

ends & oddreligion & philosophy

The other Koresh

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Don’t worry, there are no dinosaurs.

This Friday, April 19, will mark the 20th anniversary of the fire that brought an end to the Waco siege, after a 50-day-long standoff between David Koresh, his followers and the FBI. Seventy-six people died in the inferno, and the name “Koresh” is forever infamous as a result. What most people don’t know is that a century earlier, there was another Koresh – also American and just as messianic, if less randy. [Read more →]

art & entertainmentends & odd

Screw you, Citizen Kane: Stephen Baldwin is about to debut!

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“Stephen Baldwin is set to make his directorial debut in ‘Riding Destiny,’ a feature film about an extreme-sports surfer-stuntman who returns home to fix his broken cowboy family.”

I’ll give you a moment to recover from having your mind blown.

(Pause)

That’s all I can spare. Behold it again.

“Stephen Baldwin is set to make his directorial debut in ‘Riding Destiny,’ a feature film about an extreme-sports surfer-stuntman who returns home to fix his broken cowboy family.”

And suddenly the world is a very different place.

[Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Easter Bunny’s top ten pet peeves

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10. Not being allowed to keep a naughty or nice list because of potential copyright infringement

9. Inhaling so much plastic grass, he’s developed artificial hay fever

8. Not getting time and a half for working on Sunday

7. Idiots who keep shouting “Show me the bunny!”

6. The fact that, if he gets run over hopping across the freeway, four people get good-luck charms for their key chains

5. The way all the chicks ignore him

4. How scientists are unable to decide whether eggs are God’s gift to nutrition or little white death bombs

3. The fact that you need an advanced degree in calculus to determine the date Easter falls on

2. Way too much friggin’ pastel

1. Those people who mistakenly think he’s leaving a trail of Raisinets
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten things overheard at yesterday’s St. Patrick’s Day parade

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10. “How can you say I have a weak stomach? Look how far I’m throwin’ it!”

9. “Cover your eyes, kids!”

8. “No, that’s not a leprechaun. But since when is Tom Cruise Irish?!”

7. “Hey, that green beer exactly matches your face!”

6. “What do you mean, ‘Where’s the bathroom?’ The whole city is a bathroom!”

5. “When I get this drunk, my shillelagh goes limp.”

4. “Today the President’s signing everything O’Bama.”

3. “I dreamed I celebrated St. Patrick’s Day in my Erin go Bragh.”

2. “I haven’t seen this many people sick since we got off that Carnival Cruise.”

1. “I hear Jodie Foster is practicing her Gaelic.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten signs your new year is off to a bad start

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10. Your New Year’s kiss left smudge marks on the television screen

9. Your co-workers posted on YouTube the video of you at the office Christmas party, Xeroxing your butt

8. You started the new year with ten fingers and ten toes – now, not so many

7. You’re the photographer who videotaped Hef’s wedding night, and you can’t stop shuddering

6. Your wife’s resolution was to give up you

5. Because you didn’t win the Heisman Trophy, your imaginary dead girlfriend has decided to dump you

4. You’re Honey Boo Boo’s grade school teacher

3. You’re just waking up from your 2011 New Year’s Eve party

2. Your first name is ‘Lance’ or ‘Mitt’, or your last name is ‘Petraeus’

1. Someone had to Heimlich you in order to retrieve your cat
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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