
10. Instead of ‘Naughty’ or ‘Nice’ you’re on his ‘Asshole’ list
9. He leaves a note saying, “You better watch out! You better not cry! You better not shout while I’m torturing you!”
8. He smears reindeer poop all over your drapes
7. Your biggest gift is Newt Gingrich’s To Save America
6. He pours eggnog into your Christmas stocking
5. You’re constantly being tripped by sinister-looking elves
4. As he drives out of sight, he exclaims, “Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night…except you, you bastard!”
3. All the candy canes he leaves you contain fish hooks
2. Instead of ‘jolly’ you’d have to describe his demeanor as ‘malevolent’
1. When you try to sit on his lap, he jumps out of the way
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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