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virtual children by Scott Warnock


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We all have our defining aspects, and my birthday is near the tops for me. Everybody might say their birthday defines them in some way, but, for me, it’s not the birthday itself — it’s when it falls. I don’t mean in terms of astrological destiny, as I don’t believe in a lick of that. December 21st. Right before Christmas. Shortest day of the year. When winter break normally starts. The advent of flu season. Yes, my birthday has made me critic, cynic, aw, who are we fooling?: It’s enabled me to be a big, giant complainer. [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingenvironment & nature

Top ten answers to the question, “How cold is it?”

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10. It’s so cold, I saw a line of chickens outside a KFC, waiting for their turn in the deep fryer

9. It’s so cold that I almost want to go to Florida

8. It’s so cold, Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick

7. It’s so cold, the Blue Man Group turned Caucasian-colored

6. It’s so cold that even my balls went inside to get warm

5. It’s so cold, it’s almost as cold as a Koch Brother’s heart — assuming they have one between them

4. It’s so cold, aquariums no longer really need the glass

3. It’s so cold, even your farts have a wind chill factor – it’s fifteen degrees out, but it smells like nine

2. It’s so cold, my aunt slipped on some ice and accidently keyed someone’s Mercedes with her nipple!

1. It’s so cold, Donald Trump is having hookers pee on him just for the warmth!

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten pun-liners: The sequel to the sequel

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10. When I popped into the bar and tried to open a ‘Transvestite Account,’ the first thing they did was ask me to provide proof of a dress.

9. The people who talked about me behind my back discussed me.

8. My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-cube factory next door, and now the company’s gone into liquidation.

7. When vandals destroyed all the road signs in our town, they really pulled out all the stops!

6. I think the highlight of my life must’ve been reaching the summit on Mount Everest, because it’s all been downhill from there.

5. I entered a swimming contest and won the 100-meter butterfly – but what the hell am I supposed to do with an insect that big?!

4. My hamster died from lack of exercise, so I don’t think he had the wheel to live.

3. Ahhhh, return flights, they really take me back.

2. Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

1. I miss my umbilical cord, because I grew attached to it.

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

environment & naturerecipes & food

Goin’ nuts in Texas

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I’m going totally nuts in Texas … and I’m not alone.

It has nothing to do with the company I’m keeping, though there are those who would question the general level of sanity among  us here in the Lone Star State. No … in this case, it’s all about the nuts themselves … and not just any old nut, either.
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Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten pun-liners: The sequel

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10. When I asked the stewardess, “Can you telephone from this plane?” she answered, “Sure, this plane is gigantic and has wings!”

9. A customer was rude to me at the McDonald’s where I work, and I got back at him by not putting any Coke in his drink – so just ice was served!

8. After the psychic midget escaped from jail, the headline read “Small Medium At Large”

7. I was taught how to get on an airplane at boarding school.

6. Pilots look up to astronauts as farther figures.

5. I bought a replica fisherman’s knife, made to scale.

4. Ever since I started using volumizer on my hair, the voices in my head have been a lot louder.

3. Yesterday we wanted to eat Italian, but this enormous woman was standing in the restaurant doorway and we couldn’t get pasta.

2. When the clock factory burned down, there was a lot of second-hand smoke.

1. Terrorists have been hiding bombs in cans of alphabet soup and, if one goes off, it could spell disaster.

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

announcementshealth & medical

Slipping Back Into an Old Habit

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I know, I know … this is that time of year for resolutions, for goals, for breaking away from habits and all.  But for me, this time around, it’s a time to slip BACK into an old habit I once had.
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Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

My top ten new year’s resolutions

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10. I resolve to lose just enough weight so my gut doesn’t jiggle when I brush my teeth

9. I resolve to stop drinking, the moment I pass out or all the booze is gone

8. I resolve to finally find Waldo

7. I resolve to keep my ambitions within reach

6. I resolve to solve world hunger

5. I resolve to email back that Nigerian prince who keeps trying to contact me

4. I resolve to buy a t-shirt that says “LIFE” on it, then stand on a street corner and hand out lemons to passersby

3. I resolve to drive by my gym at least three times a week

2. I resolve to keep all my resolutions to myself this year

1. I resolve to limit my number of resolutions to nine

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.