A nasty cold kept me from my advice-giving duties last week and wow, did my immune system choose one hell of a week to crash and burn like the Hindenburg. Those crazy celebrities are just running wild out there like this is Lord of the Flies! There are simply too many wayward celebs who need my guidance this week and so I give you…Meg Gives Advice to Famous People: The Lightning Round. And…go!!

To Bristol Palin, who debuted on “Dancing with the Stars” last night:

Hi, honey, Auntie Meg here again. Good job on dumping Levi, but here’s the thing: I am uncomfortable watching you re-enact Tripp’s conception on “Dancing with the Stars.” It’s not that you’re a bad dancer – you’ve got rhythm, you’ve got music, and you’ve got legs that don’t quit – but I don’t want to see you shake your money-maker on national television while wearing a dress from Charro’s House of Aging Showgirls. Just tone down the sex, ok? Seriously, it’s creepy.

To Katherine Heigl, who has a bad case of working-mom guilt:

Apparently Katie is having trouble bonding with her daughter because of her busy schedule, which is hard because “I chose to go back to work.” “If I weren’t fulfilling this thing in me to perform, to live out my passion,” says this brave pioneer, “I don’t know that I would be the mom I need to be.” My heart bleeds for you, Katie, it does. You know whose heart might not be bleeding for you? Any one of the gazillion women for whom going back to work is not a choice. Shut up.

To Jennifer Grey, who says that Patrick Swayze will be with her in spirit on “DWTS”:

Sorry, sweetie, he actually won’t be with you because he doesn’t recognize you anymore now that you’re on your 15th nose. Also, shut up.

To Fred Armisen, who is divorcing Elisabeth Moss:

When you and Elisabeth got married, I started having this weird series of dreams wherein I was friends with the two of you. We’d have brunch, go antiquing, eat macaroons; you know, normal friend stuff. Well, now that you’ve traded Elisabeth in for yet another beautiful young actress (and dude, the best I can hope for you is that Daniel Webster is available to defend you when the devil comes to collect your soul), I need you to know that I’m siding with Elisabeth. I can’t remain friends with both of you, and I choose Elisabeth. Sorry it had to end like this.

To Fiona Apple, who came on my Ipod twice last night when I set it to shuffle:

Hey, Fi, remember when you wrote and recorded music? That was awesome. You should do that again.

To Betty White, who is everywhere:

Betty, thank you for being a friend. You’ve traveled down a road and back again. Your heart is true; you’re a pal and you’re overexposed. Look, we all love you, Betty. We want to see you on screens big and small, just not in crap like “You Again.” I know this tough love hurts but I’m just looking out for you, babe. I don’t want you to experience a backlash of Bieber-like proportion.

To Lindsay Lohan, who failed two drug tests:

Girl. Girl. Seriously, GIRL!

To Christine O’Donnell, just for being her:

Normally, I would advise you to ignore the firestorm around you and re-focus the conversation, Cajun-style, to something, — anything — other than witchcraft, masturbation, homosexuality, mouse-humans, or whatever else is in that big ole bag of crazy you’re carrying around. But you’re not going to win the election anyway so, hell, best thing you can do is go out with a bang! A big bang! I want you to make your concession speech in front of a blood-soaked altar of Satan while Marilyn Manson sings lullabies to Rosemary’s baby, then watch you exercise your Second Amendment rights by shooting Harvey Fierstein and flying off into the night on a broomstick handed to you by Dick Cheney himself. Go big, or go home, Chrissie.

Let’s face it: Some celebrities could use good advice. Meg Boyle gives it to them every Tuesday.

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