By now, my faithful readership (all three of you) knows what this column is all about. Celebrities are crazy, and need good advice. I am awesome, and give good advice. Everybody wins. Today, though, I feel compelled to share my wisdom with a different type of celebrity: The people of New York City. Individually, we may not be much. Collectively, we possess the star power of Elvis in his heyday and Bono on any day combined. This week, we New Yorkers have the power to harness that brilliance and put it to good use. I am speaking, of course, about the biggest decision facing our city today, the importance of which is even greater than our inevitable future decision whether to re-elect King Bloomberg for a 15th term: The choice of whether to screen Woody Allen’s Manhattan or John Cusack’s Serendipity at the upcoming Viewer’s Choice Night of the Central Park Film Festival. New York, you need to choose Manhattan.

Let me make this decision really simple for you, New York: If you choose Manhattan, you will have the pleasure of watching the gorgeous vistas of Gotham filmed in beautiful black-and-white by the legendary Woody Allen – a man who is so beloved by New York that when he left Mia Farrow for her daughter, a girl he had helped raise, New Yorkers collectively said “We’re cool, Wood, just don’t start shooting films in London or Spain or anything (wah-wah-waaaah).” If you choose Serendipity, you will have the pleasure of watching Kate BeckensWinslettConnolley, or whatever her name is, whine “Gee, I love my boyfriend and all but he’s not my soul mate. Where, oh where is my soooooul maaaaate…” Any true New Yorker sitting near her would have hauled off and slapped her.

New York, you know I love you but I swear to Brangelina and in the name of all things holy that if you choose Serendipity over Manhattan, I am done with you. Done. I feel very strongly about this, people. You people live in Manhattan, how can you not choose the movie named Manhattan?? You too, Brooklyn, you’re just as much a part of this as anyone else. Boogie-Down Bronx? You’re in this, too. Queens? Oh, sure, come on out. Staten Island? Well…better first see what Montclair is up to, then we’ll see if there’s room for you. It’s not that we don’t love you. It’s just…yeah…

New York, you have a choice to make. Watch what could arguably be called the Quintessential New York Film made by the Quintessential New York Filmmaker or watch some drivel filmed in a rat-and-snooty-waitress-infested tourist trap that real New Yorkers would never be caught dead in and, really, let’s face it, represented the tipping point of when we all knew that John Cusack was pretty much over. Our pride, nay, our entire self-identity is at stake here, people. Choose wisely, or I may have to hot-foot it down to Philadelphia.

Let’s face it: Some celebrities could use good advice. Meg Boyle gives it to them every Tuesday.

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