family & parentinggoing parental

Going parental: Photo text overload

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This has potential to be a touchy subject. Anyone out there with a kid or a pet is guilty of over-texting photos of said children to friends and family. I do not purport to be innocent of this heinous and irritating crime. I do, however, try to capture moments that are funny or extraordinarily cute if it’s an image I plan to send. Here’s an example of what I consider text-worthy:


Now, not only is this kid funny — but he’s imaginative — not to mention pretty confident and a really good artist for his age (there’s no proof that his drunk dad drew the oversized appendage and carefully positioned the kid in order to take the picture). All of these elements combined make for the perfect photo-text. This is the kind of shit I’d like to start getting more of from people. If I get one more picture of a kid riding a bike, petting their dog, sitting on a swing or brushing their teeth — unless there is literally toothpaste everywhere and I mean the wall, the kid’s hair, in his ears, on the dog, everywhere — then I’m not fucking interested. And I know I’m not the only one. But like I said — it’s a touchy subject for some.  

I once asked someone, who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent, i.e. me, to ease up on the photo texting. I literally think I received about 8 photos in under two hours that day from him. I had to say something. This did not go over well. The honest truth is — at the time — I had a Windows based phone that had to download each photo and it killed my battery. Needless to say I was removed from that distribution list and haven’t received a single photo since. Believe me, I’m not complaining. But like I said — it’s a touchy subject. I love this person. I’m related to this person. But there has to be a line.

Like — don’t send me this:


This is a fucking lame-ass boring picture. Ooohhhh look at little Tommy playing with his new blue bath toy! Who gives a shit? I just wasted a good ten seconds of my life looking at this crap when I could have been looking at my own boring kid in the bath. We get it. Tommy’s taking his 400th bath. Wow. Quick — take a picture and send it to everyone you know… because nobody knows what a kid in a tub looks like.

Instead — send me this:


That’s a baby in a plastic basin, on what appears to be an outside patio, with a fucking anaconda on his lap. And what’s better? He’s washing the fucking thing’s head with a scrubbing brush. Now that’s what I’m talking about. That’s the kind of stuff people need to start getting their kids into.

People seriously need to put down the camera phone every time little Johnny takes a step. Send me a picture of him when he trips over his brother and lands face first into Grandma’s 80th birthday cake. That is the kind of thing I’d like to see more of. But that’s just me.

Going Parental appears whenever it feels like it. Your boring kids appear on my phone far too often, just sitting there, not doing a thing to entertain me. Their lives aren’t in danger. They’re not giving the finger at a soccer game. They’re not even in focus.

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7 Responses to “Going parental: Photo text overload”

  1. haha! love it! too funny! do you think that snake was photo shopped in? that’s insane!

  2. Babies and snakes– two things that I find very unsettling.

  3. Hillarious! I can’t wait to see some of your upcoming photos now…. the creative juices are flowing I’m sure!

  4. I’m just really upset that you didn’t post a pic of a little girl with chalked gigantuous boobs- or a little girl pole dancing. What gives?

    Just got some pics of a friends baby who, god bless this kid, has the largest biff head in all the land. I mean it’s literally 8 inches, I measured it to scale. What saved this pic from being painful was his finger was so far up his nose he was touching his frontal lobe.

    It’s all in the name of love and people want to share it- just make it interesting please.

  5. Laugh-out-loud funny… and so true. Love the first picture… I see that going up at that kids wedding!

  6. I dont know how I missed this post… but I just literally peed in my pants. And sent it to my entire office.

    Hysterical dude. Hysterical…

  7. the kid and the snake. Just wondering did the kid disappear shortly after the picture was taken? lol

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