On Sunday, Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel was injured on a play. Matt Cassel is a pretty shitty NFL quarterback. According to offensive tackle Eric Winston, while Cassel was down and injured, a decent portion of the crowd was cheering because it meant Matt Cassel would be unable to return to the game and, […]
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree: Emperor’s Decree No. 1942: The Emperor would like to point out that war stories are cool. War is not cool, […]
It is easy to assume that we, as fans, are far more invested in the outcome of our teams’ games than the players themselves. After all, they are getting paid whether they win or lose. It drives us (or at least some of us) crazy to see players on different teams being chummy with their […]
10. “Is Joan Rivers still around? We dated in high school.” 9. “Yes the voyage was long and arduous – kind of like Jet Blue with legroom.” 8. “If I knew it was going to lead to Jersey Shore, I would have stayed in Spain.” 7. “Did anybody ever find the East Indies?” 6. “How […]
You don’t need research (although it’s easy to find) to tell you that children are sending thousands of texts per month, sometimes hundreds per day. And you don’t need to be a news hound to know that, communications-wise, this has widely been viewed as a sign that all that we know of as good is coming […]
At the age of 27, I have an iTunes library that more closely resembles someone who’s already outlived the national average life expectancy. The sections of Robert Johnson, Elmore James, Muddy Waters, John Lee Hooker, and the three Kings (Albert, Freddie, and B.B.) alone probably comprise something like twelve days of music. God could create […]
Yesterday on WNYC’s Brian Lehrer Show, author Jessica Valenti discussed her new book Why Have Kids?. I haven’t read the book, which sounds like a good one (that’s the level to which I’ve sunk as a book critic). But the conversation got me thinking about my own life.
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree: Emperor’s Decree No. i-124-B: The Emperor is aware of how hard it is for young musicians and lyricists to approach the […]
I was all set to write about the ridiculous replacement referees that officiated the first three weeks of the NFL season to disastrous results, but the sides resolved their differences and the real refs were back at work starting Thursday night. The beautiful thing about the world of sports, though, is that there is always […]
10. An alarm clock with a 12-hour snooze alarm 9. An artificial sincerity pill 8. A pair of socks that signal each other when one gets lost in the dryer 7. A looser straight jacket 6. A cell phone that blocks the signals of all other cell phones in the room, for when I go […]
Alright, I know Tim Tebow’s popular here in America, but since his trade to New York, it seems his fame has gone global. This is just getting absurd, as we now have “The Tebower” located in some French museum. And look, he’s not even doing it right. He’s supposed to be on one knee with […]
I’ve been called a grammar nerd, but I don’t mind. It’s something that’s important to me, and having put myself so far into debt by chasing my degree in English, it pains me every time I catch a glimpse of society’s lax attitude toward proper grammar. The fact that as technology has progressed, the general […]
10. DORMITORY = DIRTY ROOM 9. THE MORSE CODE = HERE COME DOTS 8. ELEVEN PLUS TWO = TWELVE PLUS ONE 7. DEBIT CARD = BAD CREDIT 6. THE EYES = THEY SEE 5. ASTRONOMERS = NO MORE STARS 4. CLINT EASTWOOD = OLD WEST ACTION 3. ANN COULTER = A LONER CUNT 2. WILLARD […]
Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are, by any standard, exceptional people. They’re extremely well-educated (both have a pair of Ivy League degrees). They’re quite wealthy (Mitt more so). They each got their first marriage right and have produced multiple aesthetically-pleasing children (Mitt’s on top here as well, barring Barack surging into the lead when Michelle […]
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree: Emperor’s Decree No. 7N: Like anyone else, the Emperor has need of an occasional conversion cord or of a particular plug-doohickey […]
You’re not going to win this one. The replacement refs are here, and there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of progress being made between the NFL and the League of Extraordinary Officials Who Can Actually Figure Out Where to Spot a Ball Within Eleven Minutes. But this doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy […]
No sport translates to television quite like football does. I enjoy watching them all, but there is just something about football that lends itself perfectly to an afternoon on the couch in front of a giant screen. With so many sports, I would actually rather be there in person. Sitting at a baseball game is […]
10. The “school nurse” is just a cafeteria lady with access to the Internet 9. Instead of buses, anyone who lives more than a mile from school is issued a large plastic hitchhiking thumb 8. Gym class consists of walking on treadmills that power the ovens for home economics 7. The restrooms have a cover […]
Have you been feeling a bit dizzy lately? Does time feel like it’s been flying by faster than ever? Experiencing ringing in your ears? Seeing flashes of light or fleeting glimpses of things that aren’t there? If you’re not head-over heels in love, pregnant, or smokin’ da ganja, you may be going through what’s known […]
