On that great list of things I think I don’t want to be, near the top is “glib.” I don’t want to be all back slappy, all here’s-a-trophy-even-though-you-didn’t-do-much, all smiling and treacly.
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As I mentioned back in February, the Philadelphia Eagles made the atrocious offseason move of bringing Michael Vick back for another season. It remains to be seen whether or not he is still the starting quarterback, and I guess it is not a certainty that he will even make the team, but I was certainly distressed to see him return. I suffered through several seasons of having him on my favorite team, the last two of which did not even have the benefit of him playing well. I was certain that he would be gone after last season, especially when head coach Andy Reid was sent packing, as he had been Vick’s biggest advocate. Chip Kelly was brought in, and he apparently thought it made sense to give the guy another opportunity, despite that fact that he appears to me to be very poorly suited for Kelly’s offense due to his penchant for throwing interceptions, his constant fumbling, and his clear weakness at reading defenses. Vick was asked about the latter this week on a local radio show, and he lashed out at his critics, saying they “know nothing about football” and are “ignorant.”
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10. I Might As Well Be Dating Jody Foster
9. One Night On A Carnival Cruise!
8. Crepe Paper, Bunting, and Gym Sock Odor!
7. The Future Is Ours! (1% only)
6. The Blue Ball
5. Journey to the Center of My Pants
4. Chlamydia-Palooza!
3. Moon Over Gitmo
2. Memories To Last An Evening
1. I Might As Well Be Dating Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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#78
I once stood staring down a long staircase,
Then stood up having fallen all the way down.
The time between appeared to have erased
Both itself and the memory of what I’d done.
Unhurt, staring up at the staircase, terrified
Of forms and forces I now understood, I cried.
There are many steps, floors, and bannisters
In this ant people world, but only one sun.
Yet all depends on the attitude of the stairs,
Which share the simultaneity of the boson.
Every direction ends in a shift of perspective,
Hinting that the fifth dimension may be us,
Each riser a mere extension of consciousness,
Until, falling down the stairs, we no longer live.
Note: This is one of more than 115 poems after paintings or images, which can be viewed at the blog, Zealotry of Guerin.
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I recently read an article by someone who said the reason he stopped being a vegetarian was that vegetarians don’t see the big picture. The writer went on to say that not eating meat wasn’t solving bigger problems like the destruction of animal habitats or the depletion of resources, so he was done with it. Obviously, the author has a few shortcomings in sequential reasoning, but his point is valid to the point of inspiration.
Dallas is a great city. In the short time we’ve been here, we’ve watched new parks, festivals and other community unifiers sprout up weekly. But, I like to be realistic about the negatives. I have fun criticizing what I deem stupid. This post’s target: Dallas valet parking. It’s excessive and dare I say, wrong (I do). The rest of Texas views Dallas as pretentious, and it’s not without reason.
Before moving to Dallas I never gave valet parking a second thought. I understood it. Valet parking shows a touch of class. In other cities, it exists in places where parking is scarce or distant. Valet parking for restaurants in crowded cities is great because you don’t have to drive around for an hour and then get towed or pay a fine when you don’t make it back in time (I’m talking to you Philadelphia!).
Valet parking is used at hotels to make it easier for people to get their bags to their room. It’s used for the elderly patrons at old-school Italian restaurants with big parking lots. Currently, our apartment building mandates valet [Read more →]
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No.2013: The world is not a series of plastic chutes, lined up side-by-side and feeding into one another at prescribed intersections. The “real world” is a tangled jungle, rich with the heavy palm leaves and sketched over with arabesques of the vines of dark beauty and unpredictability. Therefore, we should go to school not to be ushered into the entrance of a plastic chute, but to be taught how to wield a machete; how to find our way by the sun; how to make shelter against an unexpected storm; how to appreciate the sunset even while the mosquitoes are sucking.
Our kids see a series of teachers for twelve-plus years. Each teacher has something to offer, either as an example of the good or as an example of the bad. Some teachers will make curriculum crystal clear; others will present lessons about life that are invaluable, even if at the expense of a perfect chemistry lesson. Twelve years of human interaction and assignments and grades are enough. We should, then, hand our kids the machete and let them loose to make their own way. They are not robots to be programmed but firework shells to be packed, fired off and watched in their hot-bright glory, bursting against the dark sky and falling in random patterns. We need to stop pretending we can turn out the perfect human being.
The Punishment: Legislators who continue to use standardized testing will have everything in their lives that brings them joy — everything that is not strictly necessary for their survival — taken away from them. After all, why waste time on things that don’t produce practical results?
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
TweetThe concept of “political correctness” is an interesting one. Essentially, the term is used to describe attempts to avoid offending people. That seems like a pretty good idea, doesn’t it? Sure, there are people who are very easily offended, and there are others who find offense in things where it really does not exist, but for the most part, doing or saying things a certain way to avoid making someone feel marginalized is a pretty good idea. Of course, there are a lot of people who think our society goes too far in trying to appease the folks who would be otherwise offended. In fact, as you might expect, there are individuals who go wildly overboard with it, suggesting that any attempt at all to toe this line is a waste of time, and that anyone who feels victimized by language should just get over it. Those people are rarely the ones on the receiving end of the offensive words, predictably.
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10. Vote for a Stand-Up Guy!
9. The Right Man with the Right Staff!
8. Anthony Weiner! – He’s the Full Package!
7. Too Big to Fail!
6. You Can’t Keep a Good Weiner Down!
5. Progress You Can Hang Your Hat On!
4. Anthony Weiner: Hard On Crime!
3. Fighting for Working Stiffs Everywhere!
2. I’m No Quitter! I Plan to Stick It Out!
1. Once an Upstanding Member of Congress!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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#68
The jack-in-the-box dictator dominates,
Green scowl squeezing envy into hate.
Sinners pray to Jesus in the store window.
Draped in gold chains, clutching His scepter,
He laughs at their ruler’s show of temper.
Henchmen wait for new orders from below.
Eternal cities outlive their architecture.
Columns collapse, statuary crumbles,
“Return my youth,” a lame crone mumbles.
Speeches, even sermons, become lectures,
Endless repetitions, what everybody knows.
When the militia gathers, the catacombs
Fill with refuges and would-be deserters.
No murderers here, we are only torturers.
Note: This is one of more than 115 poems after paintings or images, which can be viewed at the blog, Zealotry of Guerin.
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 104: Are you pathetic? Needy? Weak? Of course you are not, my good minion. So, please, dispense with tweets and posts like “Ugh — can’t take anymore” and “give me strength” and “won’t let this break me.” Perhaps posters of these posts don’t realize how desperate they sound. Instead of these thinly-veiled pleas for attention, why don’t you just post: “Please pay attention to me and give me the comfort that I am directly asking for because I’m not connected enough to my fellow humans to go through the usual channels of interraction; instead, I will broadcast my manipulative self-pity to the world in hope that some mere acquaintance might respond, in public, as if he or she deeply cares”? (Because, as everyone knows, public intimacy is way more valid than a hug in a hallway from someone who truly cares about you.)
(It is important to note here: there is a big difference between the kind of posts above and a simple, direct: “Hey, everyone. Having a hard time. Would appreciate prayers and thoughts.” The more perceptive of my minions will realize this: a sincere request for support is worlds away from a hackneyed, social-media back-of-the-hand-to-the-forehead; it is documentable.)
The Punishment: People who do this will be allowed to carry on as they are. This is punishment enough.
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
TweetPart 6 (of 874) in an occasional series about how standardized tests are destroying education.
One frustration with standardized testing is its seeming inevitability. The bureaucratic, Kafkaesque testing structure. Your disagreements don’t matter. Your arguments and pleas don’t matter. You will be tested. But what if you didn’t have to take a standardized test? A growing number of parents and students are exploring that: Opting out of standardized tests. [Read more →]
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It’s the end of the Spring semester, 2013. That means college undergraduates all over the country are freaking out over final grades. It’s odd how these grades become important to them at the end of the semester in a way that they weren’t at any other time during the semester, but I digress. What follows is a final email sent to my students this morning in response to a number of emails I received from them over the weekend: [Read more →]
TweetJust like last week, the biggest story of the week happened on Monday. Each time I needed to either write a separate story, in order to try to be timely, or wait until I wrote and posted my normal column. On both occasions, my usual schedule has not allowed for the early post, so I have had to settle for a story well after the event. Like with the attack on the Boston Marathon, though, the story was big enough to still stand up a week later. This week, it was the revelation by NBA player Jason Collins that he is gay. He is the first active player in one of the major team sports to come out of the closet, so this is clearly a big deal. [Read more →]
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10. “No Mother’s Day card this year, but I did send you a tweet!”
9. “I’m taking you out to dinner, but you have to hurry; Taco Bell closes at nine.”
8. “The word ‘love’ seems a little strong. I can ‘tolerate’ you.”
7. “Here’s your gift: a DVD of Oedipus Rex –you sexy mama!”
6. “I wouldn’t call you a great mother, but you’re probably better than Joan Crawford.”
5. “And look what I got for you: a five-day Carnival Cruise!”
4. “Here are all the ingredients for a great Mother’s Day dinner. All you have to do is cook it!”
3. “As I live and breathe! You’re still breathing!”
2. “Of course these flowers aren’t stolen from a funeral home. That banner just means, when you go to sleep tonight, I hope you rest peacefully.”
1. “Mom, I have a surprise for you: I’m adopted!!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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#81
Is the sky to fish what the celestial is to men?
Do their eyes, being lidless, see more clearly
The dimming when moon eclipses the sun?
Do they wish as they die to swim above the sea?
Bonefish, flounder, barracuda, and drum,
Chaunt spells and curses from within a cauldron,
To tauten the cord and raise the draped muslin
Unveiling the face of the ancient clock tower,
While a three-eyed girl grabs at potted flowers,
And in a corner a boy in a dunce cap cowers.
The gods send down chum and baited hooks,
Dangling constellations and spiral galaxies,
Daring us to hope, to aspire, daring us to look
Past transparent and unfathomable seas.
Note: This is one of more than 115 poems after paintings or images, which can be viewed at the blog, Zealotry of Guerin.
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One of the things I like most about European graphic novels is the wide range of genres on offer. Some of these are very different from what you can find in American comics, where you very rarely encounter historical epics. In France though, you can find stories set in the Middle Ages, Ancient Rome, Renaissance Italy, Byzantium or set in the Middle East during the crusades. Indeed, my understanding is that the French are crazy for stories set during the crusades. [Read more →]
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 104: It was one thing when Paula Abdul started using the phrase to describe a good performance on “American Idol.” That was just annoying; which is to say: that was just Paula Abdul. But, recently, the Emperor saw the phrase “pitch-perfect” used in a book review to describe a writer’s prose. What the Hades does that mean? — his writing was “pitch-perfect”? Reverse the words, and you have something: a “perfect pitch” is a 104 MPH fastball, with tons of movement, that catches the corner of the plate and is completely un-hittable, even though it is still in “the zone.” “Perfect pitch,” in music, is the ability to identify or to reproduce an exact tone on the scale without having heard it first or without having heard any tones in reference: “Hey, Mel! Sing me a third-octave Bb…” Bing! Laaaa! Mel delivers. But, pitch-perfect? We don’t think so.
The Punishment: Anyone heard using this phrase will be brought to Imperial Park (home of the World Champion [Every Year, or Else] Minions). Behind home plate, there will be a plywood cut-out of a catcher (which, in fact, on the back side, is actually an old-fashioned “stocks” [ah, the classics…]). There will be a hole in the catcher’ s mitt and the offender will be forced to push his head through the stocks and out through the hole. He will then, quickly, most unfortunately, and quite finally, find out what a perfect pitch really is…
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
TweetFor many athletes, sports are more important than anything else. Those at the top of their sports must have an even greater focus on that area of their lives than the rest, I would imagine, considering the level of accomplishment. College athletes have certainly reached a level of athletic achievement of which most people can not boast, and it must be quite difficult to eliminate distractions and physical ailments that could interfere with those pursuits. You would not expect one of these people to voluntarily choose something that would end his college career, but that’s exactly what Cameron Lyle did. [Read more →]
Tweet10. His odds are about the same as Romney’s winning the next Presidential election
9. The racing form states he’s a descendant of Seattle Stew
8. He’s scared of crowds
7. His nickname is Tripod
6. The Elmer’s glue people have already put in a bid
5. Trotting gives him the trots
4. The only surface he’s ever run on is shag carpeting
3. Parts of him have already shown up in British beef burgers
2. In the starting gate, he’s facing the wrong way
1. Your jockey is Chris Christie
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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