So all you hear about is how important it is for children to read books. But should they also love to read? And if they don’t?… [Read more →]
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 4576: The Emperor is back from his European tour of historic torture chambers. Lots of new ideas from the old masters… Keep that in mind, if you think to complain about his having missed a few weeks…
Hear ye, O Tripe of The Earthly Cow!
Henceforth, guys named “Al” are forbidden to adopt (or to have given to them) the nickname “Big”. Yes, that’s it. Yes, this is my big comeback post. Think about it. It is bad enough when one is stuck with a name that one may or may not like. Isn’t it worse, still, to then adorn said name with a dead-on-arrival cliché – a worthless adjective that has been schlepped about by a hundred-million other corpulent (and/or towering) fops over the years? How about “Corpulent Al” or “Tall Al” or “Macho Al” or even “Large Al”? Enough with the big.
The Punishment: Anyone caught going around with this ubiquitous nickname will be renamed by the Imperial Dungeon Keeper as: “Locked In The Imperial Dungeons Al.” Sure, it’s less bouncy, but it will at least be almost narratively descriptive – sort of a succinct biography of the rest of Al’s life…
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
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I like to think of sports as being pure, at least as far as the integrity of the results. Fakery, result-fixing, and shadiness are for things like professional wrestling. When I see something in a sport I love that smacks of cheating and a less than legitimate outcome, it makes me sad. I know it is foolish of me to believe that a whole lot of this stuff does not go on regularly, but I can’t help it. I need this stuff to be real. This week, I have reason to question NASCAR. [Read more →]
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10. The photo on the cover of the college catalogue was once Tweeted by Anthony Weiner
9. The school sells degrees on the Internet for $49.95 (plus shipping and handling)
8. The only books in the library are by James Patterson
7. Your admissions test was drawing a pirate and a turtle
6. ABC’s “The Lookout” has cameras all over campus
5. The football coach is Jerry Sandusky’s brother
4. Your grade is based on tipping the professor
3. The school mascot is Sammy the Slug
2. The much-ballyhooed “sports complex” is actually just a tire swing and some croquet hoops
1. Last year’s commencement speaker was Honey Boo Boo’s mother
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
TweetI know that I have recently written about Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel, as well as about the NCAA, an organization that is coming apart at the seams. I hate to repeat subjects in short order, but it is impossible for me to avoid writing about them this week. There are so many facets to this story that I feel like I would not be doing my job if I didn’t put forth my opinion on what happened this week down in College Station, starting with the absurd penalty levied against Manziel by the NCAA for his autograph shenanigans, and ending with the complete douchebaggery of Manziel’s performance against Rice on Saturday in his team’s opener.
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10. Bingo caller
9. Mansion sitter
8. French fry salesman outside Chris Christie’s house
7. Spa reviewer
6. Adam Sandler’s acting coach
5. Utah bartender
4. Cheese shop toilet repairman
3. Whatever the hell it is Vanna White does
2. Wading pool lifeguard
1. Anthony Weiner’s acceptance speech writer
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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On Monday, Secretary of State John Kerry confirmed that President Bashar Assad of Syria had used chemical weapons against hundreds of innocent civilians. It looks like we are once again faced with an all too familiar decision to make – continue to let atrocities occur and the situation escalate, or take meaningful action that deescalates the situation but subjects the United States into another overseas military snafu. [Read more →]
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In 1998 I stumbled upon a Russian novel called “Life and Fate.” I was surprised because I had never heard of it or its author Vasily Grossman, yet by its size, Tolstoy-echoing title and subject matter (the book was about Stalingrad) it was obviously supposed to be important.
Fandom is a funny thing. People are willing to paint their faces, their bodies, adorn their homes with flags, signs, and a huge variety of other items with logos, and spend an awful lot of time discussing the teams that they follow. Some are exclusively interested in professional sports, while some have a stronger allegiance to the college variety. You’ll find the nuts in both places, of course, and I don’t know if either could claim a more rabid fanbase. The teams and the schools do plenty to stoke the fires of their followers, whether they be the stoic, occasional watchers or the foaming-at-the-mouth types. They do go too far sometimes, though, especially when the people doing the exhorting are new to their teams or schools. The target of my annoyance this week is Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer.
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10. Anthony Weiner for Jockey Underwear
9. Gary Busey for H&R Block
8. Justin Bieber for Alberto VO5
7. Rick Perry for the ‘For Dummies’ Book Series
6. Rush Limbaugh for OxyContin Tablets
5. Vin Diesel for Hair Cuttery
4. Charlie Sheen for Self magazine
3. Monica Lewinski for BJ’s
2. John Wayne Bobbitt for Snap-on Tools
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger for Minute Maid
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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What do the Lone Ranger and a cartoon snail have in common? Well, the answer, other than they might be able to share some foundational Joseph Campbellesque hero archetype role, should be this: “Not much.” But in contemporary cinema, they have a more specific kinship. Both of them, in recent movies (The Lone Ranger and Turbo), when faced with a/the challenge, say the exact same thing: “Let’s do this.” That’s where we are in the world of modern cinema, boring cookie-cutter characters saying stupid, clichéd phrases. Thus, we now have this equation: The Lone Ranger = A cartoon snail. [Read more →]
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Feodor Dostoevsky- there’s a town named after him in Texas- allegedly.
Recently I read that the population of people speaking Russian at home in the United States has quadrupled over the last thee decades. According to the US Census office, Russians – or rather Russian speakers – are now almost 1 million strong. That’s a lot of post-Soviet immigrants. And yet it seems there is at least one area in America that Russian speakers would rather avoid: my adopted state of Texas. [Read more →]
TweetI really hate the NCAA. I know I am not exactly putting myself out on an island with that statement, as hating the NCAA in 2013 has become kind of like hating the DMV…pretty much everyone feels that way. It’s an organization built to protect a concept of amateurism that is outdated by a solid twenty to thirty years. Beyond that, it is now run by a grandstanding ignoramus named Mark Emmert, an empty suit who never met a microphone he didn’t like. Beyond the whole Penn State fiasco, Emmert and the NCAA have continued to look bad on a weekly basis this year, from failing to punish schools that actually do break NCAA rules, to sanctioning individual players who do awful things like washing their cars using university water. This week, a former marine who is now a freshman at Middle Tennessee State University was declared ineligible to play this season due to yet another awful ruling.
Tweet10. You’ve lost so much blood from mosquito bites, they’ve stopped biting you
9. Your neighborhood swimming pool has banned you, because of your weak bladder
8. The B&B you’re staying at evidently stands for ‘bed’ and ‘bugs’
7. Due to hard-of-hearing travel agent, instead of Cancun you wound up in Kabul
6. You caught crabs at the beach – but not the edible kind
5. You have no idea who Carlos is, but you woke up with his name tattooed on your upper arm
4. Your hair hasn’t grown back since that Fourth of July incident
3. Because of too much sun, your face is redder than the Disney executive who greenlighted The Lone Ranger
2. The lemonade stand you frequent was just raided by the Board of Health
1. First name ‘Paula’, last name ‘Deen’
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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Ever since Darwin published his infamous On the Origin of the Species in 1859, science and theology have been at war over the theory of evolution. The irony is that evolution and all its aspects—natural selection, survival of the fittest, genetic mutations—all appear in the Bible as clear as day. In fact, even a “missing link” explanation that science has still not uncovered appears in there as well. Is it found in some lost book, obscure passage, cryptic verse, or esoteric translation? No, it appears in an entire story that everyone knows—the story of Noah’s Ark. And once I point out the metaphoric meaning of the story, you’ll wonder how on earth you never noticed it before. How? The church didn’t want you to notice. Because the truth takes power away from them and puts it where it rightfully belongs—to you. [Read more →]
TweetOne of my favorite story motifs is of the king who travels incognito to learn what is really happening in his land. This idea shows up not only in folktales and fictions, but also in reality: Caliph Harun al-Rashid did it in 8th-century Iraq, while Turkmenbashi, the deceased leader of Turkmenistan, did it in his days as Soviet boss of that desert land. King Abdullah of Jordan also disguised himself and walked among his people shortly after he came to the throne.
A conundrum is emerging that confounds my understanding, limited as it may be, of politics and economics. [Read more →]
TweetIn 2001 President Bush met Vladimir Putin at a summit in Slovenia. They met to discuss post-Soviet debt, among other things, but Bush saw their initial meeting as a chance to form a strong relationship with a key player in global politics. According to Decision Points, Putin was rough around the edges, but softened up when W. inquired about a cross that Putin had had blessed in Jerusalem. It was the sentimental story of Putin’s cross and this shared moment that had led Bush to suggest that he had looked into Putin’s soul. But if he really had, he would not have been so impressed. [Read more →]
TweetListening to interviews with athletes and team officials is often brutal. For the most part, no one will actually say anything anymore, as organizations are so afraid of either lawsuits or giving the other team “bulletin board material.” This has also carried over to commentators and sports talk show hosts, who try to offer what they might call criticism, but who usually soften it so much as to make it unclear what they are actually saying. Occasionally, though, someone manages to speak his or her mind, and you would think the world had come to an end to watch the reaction. This happened a couple of times this week, when two former professional athletes, baseball’s Jack Clark and football’s Bernie Kosar, forgot to hit the bland button before they spoke. [Read more →]
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10. “Need a little help with your breaststroke?”
9. “You’re also supposed to wait half an hour after making love.”
8. “Okay if I practice my mouth-to-mouth?”
7. “Want to play with my ‘pool toy’?”
6. “Help! I’m drowning!…In your eyes!”
5. “This isn’t a nude beach, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”
4. “I’m caught in an undertow of love.”
3. “Your body is harder than my plastic CPR dummy.”
2. “The sign says ‘Lifeguard on Duty,” but I wish it said ‘Lifeguard on Cutie’.”
1. “Look out there on the water, it’s just like us: buoy meets gull.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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