The other day I read that some Russian oligarch or other had paid $95,000 to a restaurateur in New York for a bit of fungus. Well, a fool and his money, as they say.

Alright, it wasn’t just any old bit of fungus. Apparently it was a “white alba truffle” – a special fungus that is quite difficult to find. And you can eat it. Meanwhile, this bit of fungus weighed about 4lb so it was quite heavy, for a fungus. According to Nello Balan, the man who says he sold the oligarch the fungus, it was the biggest such bit of fungus in the history of fungi, or something.

So there you go: Clearly this bit of fungus was [Read more →]

Tags: travel & foreign lands, trusted media & news // Add Comment »

If you read my column on any kind of regular basis, you know that I really despise prejudice of any kind. Whether it be racism, sexism, ageism, or sexual orientationism (that should be a word), I find it revolting. I don’t know that any of these things are actually more prevalent in the world of sports than everywhere else, but it often seems like they are. Early this week, former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was reportedly selected to be a member of the committee that will select the college football teams that will participate in the new playoff at the end of the 2014 and subsequent seasons. Predictably, a bunch of schmucks went through the roof. [Read more →]

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10. “That toaster was way hot!”

9. “The instructions only cautioned against sticking in knives and forks.”

8. “I heard it gave really good bread!”

7. “The toaster was asking for it. She looked like a real slot!”

6. “I was wearing a condom, so I wasn’t worried about getting KitchenAids.”

5. “I thought it would be safer than using the microwave.”

4. “When I got home from the bar, I was really toasted!”

3. “I was just trying to brown my Panini.”

2. “I heard somewhere that ‘They plump when you cook ’em’.”

1. “I was trying to make my juicer jealous.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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My favorite magazine, The Atlantic, ran a piece this month connecting the U.S. school sports obsession with our lagging academic performance compared to other countries. While the causality in Amanda Ripley’s “The Case Against High-School Sports” isn’t airtight, her argument raises provocative points about our education priorities. [Read more →]

Tags: sports, virtual children by Scott Warnock // 9 Comments »

On a recent flight from Texas to London I sat behind a woman who was editing a manuscript. Being very nosy I strained to read the title, and this is what I saw:

The Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs

Wow, I thought. What a load of crap. Clearly the primary “presentation secrets” of Steve Jobs were 1) his conviction that he was totally awesome and 2) his understanding that people are always interested in what highly successful people have to say.

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 12/X: Shhh. We do not care about the padded crotch and buttocks. There is no argument you can make that will convince us to allow bicycling shorts to be worn, anymore. The cursed garments are just wrong. You know it and we know it. We have all averted our eyes to avoid gazing upon the compressed goods of this or that errant cyclist. It’s simply gross. Icky, in fact. The Emperor envisions a world of aesthetic joy for all happy minions. Nothing causes joyous interruptus on the morning commute (which is typically joyless anyway) than a casual glance over at the anatomically intimate accentuation of some middle-aged fop’s schwazzeels as he stands in order to gain peddle-force on an incline in the road. No one should have to see this. Think of the children!

The Punishment: You want compression shorts? We’ll GIVE you compression shorts! (Just throw on a pair of sweat pants, for heaven’s sake. The Emperor begs you from the depths of his sad, image-burned eyes.)

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: fashion & clothing, The Emperor decrees // 2 Comments »

All players are not created equal, and it is very clear that players are not treated equally by coaches or the media either. Jadeveon Clowney, the fantastically-named and even more incredibly talented defensive end for the South Carolina Gamecocks is learning that the hard way this season. This week, Clowney sat out his team’s game against Kentucky due to a strained muscle. The fallout is still flying. [Read more →]

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10. Department of the Exterior

9. Environmental Protection Racket

8. Office of Government Ethics

7. Customs and Border Collies

6. Department of Veterans Extramarital Affairs

5. John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Seals

4. Radio Free Credit Report

3. Federal Shutting-Down Administration

2. The U.S. Congress

1. The Twerks Progress Administration
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Recently I have been feeling slightly long in the tooth. It was the death of Mrs. Thatcher that did it. Watching the street parties on TV, I couldn’t help but notice how very young the revelers were: most of those idiots had not been born when she stepped down from office. And yet I remembered her resignation as if it were yesterday. Suddenly I realized that I was of a different era, that I was now in the same position as those bores who were always banging on about Woodstock when I was a teenager.

And if Mrs. Thatcher’s resignation is increasingly “ancient history,” then that means some of my other memories must be positively Jurassic. Here, the pop culture index is most telling. 1960s rockers like Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney have always seemed “old” to me, but now even the members of rubbish New Romantic bands from the 1980s are closing in on their pensions. Simon Le Bon will turn 55 later this month, for example. His song “The Reflex” is older now than Elvis Presley’s  [Read more →]

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Earlier this week, the ridiculously pathetic NCAA made a positive move by deciding to reduce the sanctions against the Penn State football program. This is another story that straddles the line between Good Sports and Bad Sports, in my opinion. The good part is that it at least partially makes up for the wildly inappropriate and totally unfair penalties levied upon the program last year by NCAA president Mark Emmert and his gang of cronies. The bad part is that the reasoning that was given for the reduction is a bunch of lies that were intended to make the NCAA look good and effective in some way. [Read more →]

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10. “Have you accepted Jesus into your life?”

9. “I’m kinda contagious, so it’d be best if you keep ten feet away.”

8. “I’m majoring in Whole Beef Butchering, so my homework might get a little messy.”

7. “Wanna see my Anthony Weiner impression?”

6. “No matter what you hear, don’t open that closet!”

5. “Who do you think is the cutest hunk in One Direction?”

4. “Seriously, my Silent-But-Deadlies have been known to peel paint off the walls.”

3. “I have a tendency to walk in my sleep and do this ‘stabby’ thing.”

2. “Do you want to be on the top or the bottom – and no, we don’t have bunk beds.”

1. “You got a real purdy mouth.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. NFL2013: The Emperor has long been disenchanted with the NFL. (He can no longer stand the whoosh-whoosh of the robot football player graphics and the folly of players who are so eager to celebrate that they spike the ball before crossing into the endzone. And stuff like that.) Still, as a show of love to his minions who enjoy such things, he has graciously allowed the plastic and peacockish hullabaloo to go on. He must, however, now step in. The puffs of Predator hair (yes, the Emperor was a child of the eighties) billowing out from under the helmets might have been pretty cool up until the four-hundredth guy did it. What was once a visual with impact; what was once a defiance against convention is now the equivalent of the fifth Dracula costume at the Halloween bash.

The Punishment: The Imperial Headsman will be offering free “haircuts” to all NFL players who haven’t corrected this follical violation by Sunday, next.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: sports, The Emperor decrees // 3 Comments »

Dang kids and their confounded digital whatchamacallits! I mean, it’s exgasperating when they’re out there all the time Chirping, Twitching, Facenoting on the old InterWeb. It’s even dangerous, as this kids-go-bump-in-the day story about cellphone-using Penn zombies shows.

[Read more →]

Tags: technology, virtual children by Scott Warnock // 11 Comments »

Emotions run high in sports. This is true whether you are just a fan or if you are an actual participant. As I imagine every one of you out there knows, when you are emotional, you often say things that you might not otherwise say. A regular person has a shot to get away with that, as there aren’t usually hordes of people hanging on his every word. A player or a coach has no such luck, however, as someone has a microphone or recording device at every turn when people want to know what you have to say. Nebraska head football coach Bo Pellini found that out the hard way this week when a 2 year old recording of him surfaced in which he cursed out fans of the Cornhuskers, among others.

[Read more →]

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10. Advanced Keg Tapping

9. How to Make a Sock Puppet

8. Top Five Best-Selling CliffsNotes

7. Addition

6. Your Ass versus A Hole in the Ground – Comparing and Contrasting

5. Bong Maintenance

4. How Best to Invest Your Under-the-Table Money

3. Book Coloring

2. Candy Crush for Beginners

1. Team Mascots: Are Their Heads Really That Big?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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I’m very excited about a new app coming out that is completely ahead of its time. It’s called GoogleFuture and it’s amazing. Applying the process of quantum computing, the app enables you to Google search anything, from any time period—including the future. And not just the future of your current timeline, but any possible future. Imagine being able to do a search on yourself to see what becomes of you based on certain choices and decisions—which job brought more success, which partner brought a more lasting relationship, which path brought the most fulfillment. With GoogleFuture there will be no more uncertainty, and really, no need for this article. Truth be told however, there actually are no plans for GoogleFuture, or anything similar, anytime soon as far as I know. But being able to figure out your destiny is really just as easy. Maybe, even easier. [Read more →]

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 54321: The world is a cold place, full of ticking machines and plastic surfaces. And it is teeming with acquaintances that people are calling “friendships.” This must change, for it makes the Emperor (a real teddy bear of an all-powerful monarch) sad. The Emperor will keep this simple: He has been informed by the Imperial Psychologist that if those among us who refer to their myriad acquaintances as “dear friends” are eliminated, it will exponentially increse the level of human warmth and sincere interaction among the general populace. Therefore, all those who have “dear” friends (numbering above, say, two) will report to the Imperial dungeons by Friday.

The Punishment: Those caught using the term beyond the prescribed parameters will be put — barefoot and naked — into a chilly dungeon cell with a stone statue of a smiling person for their only company. Violators may hug their marble companion as often and as intimately as they wish.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

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Due to a family situation, Bad Sports, Good Sports will not appear this week.  We will return with more fun sports news at this time next week.

If you are looking for some quick links of interest, check out:

A total mess at Oklahoma State

High school football player rips opponent’s helmet off and beats him with it

Bench-clearing brawl due to showboating pitcher

Broncos linebacker Von Miller in trouble and in more trouble

NASCAR surprises me and takes steps to correct some wrongs

Jim Furyk fires 59 at BMW

Bad sports, good sports appears every Monday

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10. Run for Your Lives!!!!

9. Magnum Farce

8. Don’t Fire Until You See…Nothing

7. Bang the Gun Slowly

6. The Blind Sidearm

5. Is That a Gun In Your Pocket, or Are You Glad to Hear Me?

4. 20/400 .45

3. Deadeye

2. Random Acts of Blindness

1. A Shot in the Dark
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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For Karen the Small Press Librarian, I recently exchanged interviews and e-mails with Dave Newman, author of Raymond Carver Will Not Raise Our Children. It’s an academic novel about life off the tenure track for a working family with children in Pittsburgh, and I recommend it to anyone interested in the lives of college teachers, parents, and writers. In passing, Dave mentioned that when he was growing up in western Pennsylvania, it was common for boys to fist-fight at carnivals and county fairs, and then he wondered if he wasn’t the only person he knew who used the expression “fist fight.” So that led to my own ruminations on the subject, whether or not to add a hyphen or make it one word, and I also remembered that long before I became a hulking literary menace, able to beat down an entire capitalist higher-educational economy with a work of fiction, I was just another scrawny white boy, geeky and shy, terrified that I’d have to fight in public or fight at all. [Read more →]

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