Real life is not a romance novel

Sophia Mattia,

Romance novels made me fall in love with literature. This is not a fact that I used to offer up willingly, dodging the questions about my favorite books in college so I wouldn’t be seen as unserious when I mentioned Counting Down With You by Tashie Bhuiyan or The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren. I have always been a hopeless romantic at heart, and have been fascinated by how the chemistry between two people I can’t even see can jump off a page. However, I was also drawn in by the idealism that romance novels offer of the perfect circumstances and the happiest endings. The guy that always knows what to say. The big love confession scene. The way two people just know they are right for each other. I’ve become blindly wrapped up in all the tropes: enemies to lovers, fake dating, and my favorite, friends to lovers. Yet, my love for romance novels gave me unrealistic and maybe unhealthy expectations for real relationships. 

Today, many people seem to have a fear of romance. They want a connection, until it gets too serious. They seem to believe that the “long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, casual girlfriend” proposed by Ken in the Barbie movie is the ideal relationship. The phrase “commitment issues” also circles around quite a lot, a nice way of saying, “I don’t want to take accountability for my actions and how they may affect you.” People treating other people like someone they actually like, like human beings, is some holy act that should be honored for all eternity. Someone bringing flowers to a date is extraordinary. Someone wiping their partner’s tears when they cry, a shocking act of devotion. These are the bare minimum in romance novels. 

With these two competing definitions of love and dating, how do we know what’s right? Romance novels made me think that if I don’t feel an immediate spark with someone, I can’t develop one. Even if two characters in a romance novel don’t immediately click, there is an understanding that they are interested in each other, and will inevitably end up together. I have also been led to believe that my relationship should consume my every waking thought, when that’s just not realistic. I have friends. I have hobbies. I work. And in addition to all that, I love my boyfriend. I make a spot for him in my life, and he adds so much joy to it, but I am more than my relationship. Real life is not a romance novel. Yet, is it too much to ask for him to follow in Miles Nowak’s footsteps in Emily Henry’s Funny Story, and take me on a date to a lavender field? I don’t think so. 

Everyday relationships exist somewhere on the spectrum between the bare minimum and the romance novel. I’ve learned that just because my boyfriend and I have an argument, it doesn’t mean the relationship is coming to a crumbling halt. But, I’ve also learned that having my basic needs met isn’t something that I have to earn. Love isn’t supposed to be conditional. With the constant stress of everyday life, the worsening political climate, and being two people who have student loans to pay off, it makes sense that our love for each other doesn’t magically make everything all better. 

In my experience, a good relationship has the pixie dust of a fairytale every once in a while, but still has realistic standards. Maybe it means guiding my partner through an anxiety attack. Taking him to a cardiologist appointment. Or yes, on special occasions, receiving a handwritten love letter from him—something that I thought only happened in romance novels.

Sophia Mattia

Sophia Mattia is a recent graduate of Drexel University with a BA in English (writing concentration), minors in communication and linguistics, and a certificate in entertainment writing and publishing. She was the editor in chief of Drexel’s newspaper, The Triangle, in her senior year and enjoys writing about the arts, academics, and music. She also writes short fiction and poetry. She hopes to one day write a novel. In her free time, she writes songs and plays piano. She can be found on Bluesky at sophiamattia.bsky.social.

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