I’m sure you know this already, but Dungeons & Dragons is coming out soon in its 5th edition, or 5.0 or D&D Next. And you probably already know that your kid should play D&D. I just wanted to take a moment to remind you why. [Read more →]
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Today was a singularly beautiful day in New York – a sparkling October day in mid-November, sunny, warm, a light breeze – and perfect for a two-hour walk around the Drive in Central Park. (I used to run it in under an hour, but what the hell.) [Read more →]
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Matt McGloin started for the Oakland Raiders on Sunday. The Raiders won the game 28-23 over the Houston Texans. Why, you might be wondering, is this my lead story? If you knew the tale of Matt McGloin, you might appreciate how unlikely this was. [Read more →]
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10. Quarter Horse Pounder
9. Fury Slurry
8. Colt 45
7. Fetlocks and Bagels
6. Fricasseed Flicka
5. My Little Baloney
4. Stallions and Scallions
3. Thorough Bread
2. Sea Biscuits
1. Filly Cheesesteak
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
TweetIn last week’s column, I had an item about Jonathan Martin, the offensive lineman who had walked out on the Miami Dolphins claiming he had been bullied. The player who seemed central to the negativity was another offensive lineman, Richie Incognito. A voicemail left for Martin by Incognito, chock-full of threats, racism, and scatological humor, was made public. This story has been everywhere this week, dominating sports news and sports-talk radio.
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10. Who Wants to be a Million Airedale
9. Teen Wolfhound
8. Bones
7. Lois & Bark
6. NYPD Poodle
5. K90210
4. Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23
3. L.A. Paw
2. Leave it to Retriever
1. Twin Pekingese
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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Last Saturday I went to an all-day wrestling coaching clinic. (How about that for a lead-off?) The instructors included Olympians, national champs, and college coaches. I learned some new technique, and, as you will in any kind of immersive conference-like environment, my mind was able to focus on this one thing. But the clinic was about more than push-ups and stand-ups. What I was struck by, particularly through one clinician, was how these people who’ve competed and coached at the highest levels in one of the toughest sports voiced consistent philosophies of coaching moderation. [Read more →]
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No PE-15: Spit, sloshing around and clicking in the mouths of professional radio personalities is the most disgusting sound in the world. (No! It is even more disgusting than that. Sh. Yes it is.) Sound engineers for these radio programs need to fix this, now. Right now. Turn down the “highs.” Move the microphone away from your proximity-effect-addicted bosses. Do whatever you need to do to end this. Carl Castle, for instance, sounds like his face is ground meat that someone is squishing his hands through. We can’t take it anymore. Sound engineers, heed this warning.
The Punishment: Engineers who do not rectify this squishy issue – today! – will be hung upside-down and lowered into a vat of ground beef and water. They will remain suspended this way until they cease to be.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
TweetOK, so who can explain to me what is going on with the Philadelphia 76ers? No one? I didn’t think so. The NBA regular season started this week, and if you polled a thousand knowledgable sports folks and counted up how many of those people would have predicted a 3-0 start for this team, I guarantee the total would have been zero. That’s exactly how they have started, though, and I am just completely astonished.
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10. Tried to re-set the clock on their VCR
9. Listened to Don McLean’s American Pie seven times
8. Got all their exercise out of the way for the rest of the year
7. Just sat back and thought about how much the Giants really suck
6. Watched The Best of Two and a Half Men 30 times
5. Tried to see who could say “Irish wristwatch” out loud ten times the fastest
4. Shared a bottle of Scotch, then played “Irish wristwatch” again
3. Made love to the wife, followed by a 55-minute nap
2. Played Candy Crush, and still couldn’t complete Level 197
1. Put on their Mr. Peabody mask and pretended they were in the Wayback Machine, going back one hour
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
TweetThe St. Louis Cardinals took a two games to one lead over the Boston Red Sox in the World Series on Saturday night. That, in and of itself, is not surprising…these are two good teams and someone had to win game three, right? What made this one unusual was the way the game ended. The winning run scored in the bottom of the ninth on an obstruction call. That’s right, a call by an umpire allowed the final run of a game in the sport’s final series of the season to score despite the fact that the runner was clearly tagged out before he reached home plate. The key to this, of course, and the reason that this is Good Sports, is because it was absolutely the correct call.
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10. You’re winded, and you haven’t even reached the end of your own driveway yet
9. You accidentally took a Skittle instead of your statin medication
8. After every other house, you have to go home for a pee
7. People keep saying, “Great Betty White mask!” – and you’re not wearing one
6. You’re continually removing your dentures so you can scrape off the caramel
5. You can remember back to your first Halloween, when all the witches were burned
4. You’re continually knocking on your own front door
3. Instead of a candy bar, you ask if they have any adult diapers
2. When people open the door, instead of saying “Trick or treat,” you look confused, then start singing Good King Wenceslas
1. You keep seeing someone dressed up as the Grim Reaper – and you’re the only one who can see him
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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There is a poem by John Hall Wheelock called “The Part Called Age.” It was first published in the Sewanee Review in 1962, the year Wheelock turned 76 (he lived to be 91). The poem is an account in blank verse of the thoughts the poet has as he strolls about the property he has inherited from his father (“these were his father’s acres / For so he still thought of them, though now they were his …”).
I could, I suppose, in good New Critical fashion, antiseptically separate the figure described in the poem from the writer of the poem, except that the poem is obviously autobiographical (there’s no good reason why a poem can’t be or shouldn’t be). [Read more →]
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I’m surprised by how many kids, sometimes little kids, have told me some version of this: “My school is great. They give us lots of homework. It’s really challenging.” I’ve been amazed by how darn enthusiastic they appear that their teachers assign them a large volume of homework. [Read more →]
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 543-0000000.1: You must understand: If a phrase annoys the Emperor, it is not the same as if it annoys one of the “regular people.” If it annoys the Emperor, it is simply (and indisputably) a bad phrase – one that shouldn’t exist. When it comes to His Everlasting Wonderfulness, opinion is fact. I truly hope you are all getting a grip of this idea by now. If you are not currently bound in chains in a dark dungeon, you may be getting the message…but not necessarily. For instance, the phrase: “A hot mess” in reference to a person or a situation… It makes the Emperor’s skin crawl with little beasties of pinchy tickliness. It’s a stupid phrase and it is one that is parroted constantly by the group-thinking, TV-imitating masses.
The Punishment: Parroters of this pretentious and painfully poor poetic patter will be taken to the Imperial Dungeon so that they may be boiled in (environmentally friendly) vegetable oil and, thereby, learn the literal meaning of “a hot mess” before they begin their new life as…well…soup.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
TweetFootball has been played at Grambling State University for a very long time. Eighty-five years, to be exact. They are not a team you see on television very often, but they have a rich and successful history. This week, though, would have to be considered a low point in the school’s football history, as the team mutinied, for lack of a better term, and refused to play its game against Jackson State. [Read more →]
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10. Law & Order: Jaywalking Unit
9. Two and a Half Laughs
8. How I Met Your Father: Woody Allen/Frank Sinatra Edition
7. The Old and the Toothless
6. Justified: How I Prefer My Paragraphs
5. America’s Funniest Tweets
4. Dancing with the Has-Beens
3. Breaking Wind
2. Once Upon a Time in Newark, New Jersey
1. So You Think You Can Twerk
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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10. Bupkiss
9. Goose egg
8. Jack squat
7. Zippo
6. Nada
5. Sweet Fanny Adams
4. Naught
3. Jack shit
2. Diddly-Squat
1. Fuckall
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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The other day I read that some Russian oligarch or other had paid $95,000 to a restaurateur in New York for a bit of fungus. Well, a fool and his money, as they say.
Alright, it wasn’t just any old bit of fungus. Apparently it was a “white alba truffle” – a special fungus that is quite difficult to find. And you can eat it. Meanwhile, this bit of fungus weighed about 4lb so it was quite heavy, for a fungus. According to Nello Balan, the man who says he sold the oligarch the fungus, it was the biggest such bit of fungus in the history of fungi, or something.
So there you go: Clearly this bit of fungus was [Read more →]
TweetIf you read my column on any kind of regular basis, you know that I really despise prejudice of any kind. Whether it be racism, sexism, ageism, or sexual orientationism (that should be a word), I find it revolting. I don’t know that any of these things are actually more prevalent in the world of sports than everywhere else, but it often seems like they are. Early this week, former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was reportedly selected to be a member of the committee that will select the college football teams that will participate in the new playoff at the end of the 2014 and subsequent seasons. Predictably, a bunch of schmucks went through the roof. [Read more →]
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