For years leading up to 2012, spiritual-types who were sick of the way the world was heading could take comfort in the promise of a new era that was predicted to begin on December 21 of that year. The Mayans, known for their astronomical expertise had supposedly predicted it. In addition, St. Malachy’s famous Prophesy of the Popes, which predicts when the world as we know it would end, also correlates to about the same time period. The Hopi tribe, Edgar Cayce, a book attributed to Nostradamus, hell, even The History Channel’s countless specials all pointed towards 12/21/12 as the beginning of the end times. The details differed, but whether you believed that Earth was due for a major cataclysm, a spiritual awakening, a religious reckoning and rapture, an alien visitation, a new dimension, or just an enlightened age, most people seemed somewhat excited that a major event was on the horizon. When the day finally arrived, we instead got something that came as a shock to many: absolutely nothing. Or so it would seem. [Read more →]

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Twas the night before Wednesday, when all through the house,
“It’s a feature of Tuesday,” the man started to grouse.
The mockings were flung by the chummy who bear
good tidings to all, no need to despair.

The shoppers were wrestled, tho’ sick in the head,
while visions of sweet-deals they charged to their cred.
All for the purchase of some Christmas crap,
gift-giving that leads into a debt-trap. [Read more →]

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On Sunday afternoon, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning broke the record for most touchdown passes in a season, reaching a total of 51 with one game still to go in the regular season. The former record of 50 was set by Tom Brady of the New England Patriots back in 2007. This incredible feat naturally led me to think about these two signal-callers and to compare their illustrious careers. [Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports // 2 Comments »

10. America’s Funniest Home Nutcracker Videos

9. Chris Christie’s Twelve Days of Christmas Dinners

8. The Seven Dwarfs in Whistle While You Twerk

7. University of California Davis Policeman’s Now We Spray Our Pepper Gayly

6. It’s A Wonderful Life for the One Percent

5. Rob Ford’s Santa’s Comin’ at the Crack of Dawn!

4. A Charlie Brownstein Hanukkah

3. Frostie the Puddle’s Global-Warming Denier’s Special

2. Al Jazeera’s Christmas Hoax

1. America’s Funniest Christmas Tree Fires
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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The future career of temporarily retired Ultimate Fighting Championship competitor Georges St-Pierre hinges on one simple question: will the aliens who periodically steal time from him once again use those hours wisely?

For those not in the know about mixed martial arts, GSP was a champion welterweight who for years was not only unbeaten, but largely untested.

Then he fought Johny Hendricks, a man who seems to consist entirely of fists and beard.

St-Pierre technically emerged from the fight with his 12-bout winning streak intact, taking a decision that was close, controversial, and almost certainly wrong. This win created one of the stranger spectacles in fight history as the “victorious” St-Pierre, both eyes blackened and the rest of his head either cut or puffy — Hendricks was basically untouched, except for a pair of hands grotesquely swollen from pounding on Georges — offered what seemed less a post-fight interview than a cry for help, hitting repeatedly on the themes:

-He didn’t remember much of the fight

-He needed to go away for a bit

-He no longer slept

-He was going crazy [Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd, sports // 2 Comments »

Caution: The Santa-belief unblemished may find spoilers below.

The other night, while we were at dinner with a bunch of friends, my nine-year-old reportedly muttered to his 14-year-old sister, “Do you believe in Santa?” She, sharp and on her toes, said, “I do.” The little guy replied, “Well I don’t. But don’t tell mom and dad.”

So the Santa era ends for the Warnock family. [Read more →]

Tags: virtual children by Scott Warnock // 4 Comments »

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 3/334-z: Ginger. Ginger is a root. It is used for giving food that naughty tinge or earthy deliciousness. In some dictionaries, maybe around the third definition, if you’re lucky, it can be a color. But it is not a noun when referring to anything other than the spice. One is not “a ginger.” One might go so far as to say one has “ginger” hair. (It’s pretentious, but allowable.) Under no circumstances, whatever, however, will it be permissible, in the Empire, to refer to one’s self (or anyone else) as “a ginger.” It’s trendy and it is annoying and the Emperor will have no more of it. Thou art a red-head.  Own it or suffer the consequences.

The Punishment: Anyone heard using the word “ginger” as a noun to describe him or herself (or his or her brethren), will be ground into power, sprinkled onto human-shaped cookies, and fed (by Fofo, the Angry Red-Headed Clown [of “Finkle and Finkle’s Jolly Nightmare Circus”]) to the Imperial Tiger, Lars.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

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I was having a rough day on Sunday. The Saturday evening snow had turned to ice overnight, and my driveway, which is challengingly sloped even in good weather, was basically a skating rink turned into a ramp. I decided to skip my planned 11-mile run, as not only were the trails unusable, but running on the roads of my township was bound to be extremely hazardous. An hour and a half of breaking up ice and shoveling it was completed in time to watch the Eagles lay a huge egg against a bad Minnesota Vikings team that was missing its best player. I needed a pick-me-up and I received it in spades, thanks to the Dallas Cowboys and Tony Romo, who blew a 23-point halftime lead and lost to the Green Bay Packers.

[Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports // 3 Comments »

10. Gasp! – The Saran Wrap Game

9. Mr. Wizard’s Home Lobotomy Kit

8. Miss Piggy’s Swine Flu Self-Inoculator

7. Little Miss Twerker

6. Easy Bake Microwave

5. Balloon Boy’s Self-Launch Kit

4. Hospital Waste Grab Bag

3. Fisher-Price Choking Hazard

2. Jihad! – The Self-Detonation Game

1. Baby’s First Nail Gun

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, games // 1 Comment »

When I think of the time and space that might have been devoted over the last couple days upon people like U.S. Senator Ted Cruz or pop star Miley Cyrus, I find myself encouraged – not just in our world, but in the media that brings that world into our homes 24/7 – by the fact that we are, instead, focused upon Jorge Mario Bergoglio … a man who, as Pope Francis, “took the name of a humble saint and then called for a church of healing. The first non-European pope in 1,200 years, he is poised to transform a place that measures change by the century.”
[Read more →]

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 922105: You cannot make a story that is already long, short. So stop saying, “…to make a long story short…” It’s already long. You have already prattled and chuntered everyone into a coma. Shut up now. Make a long story stop.

The Punishment: Offenders will be beaten by the Imperial Torture Master for seven hours. Then, he will stop and walk away, saying, “…to make a long beating short…”

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: language & grammar, The Emperor decrees // 2 Comments »

People are bad. Not all people, of course, but a lot of them. Maybe “bad” is not quite the word I am seeking…perhaps “stupid” is closer to the mark. This is the case particularly when you get a whole lot of them together and something either really good or really bad happens. Michigan State beat Ohio State to win the Big Ten title on Saturday in a thrilling game. Afterward, a large group of students set fire to a whole bunch of stuff and flipped over a car in East Lansing. I just don’t get it.

[Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports // 1 Comment »

10. Green Elves and Ham

9. The Cat In the Santa Hat

8. Reindeer Slop On Pop

7. One Fish Two Fish Dead Fish Stew Fish

6. Mary Yertle Gets Fertile

5. The Fox In Socks In Your Christmas Box

4. And To Think That I Saw It On Bethlehem Street

3. Horton Hears a ‘Ho!’ (…‘Ho! Ho!’)

2. The Butterball Battle Book

1. How The Grinch Stole My Identity and Maxed Out My Credit Cards
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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A couple weeks ago I was in Boston at the conference of the National Council of Teachers of English. I was there to talk about MOOCs and to serve in my new role as a member of the NCTE editorial board. Among these thousands of mostly high school and grammar school English teachers, I found lots of great conversations. The Common Core hung, like smoke, over much of them. [Read more →]

Tags: education, virtual children by Scott Warnock // 5 Comments »

College football drives me crazy. Don’t get me wrong, there were some tremendous games this holiday weekend, including some huge upsets and some wins that meant a lot to me personally (thanks Penn State!). Football at the college level, as a game, is tremendous. The structure of the postseason is a total mess, of course, and has been for years. The unfortunate part this week is that college football managed to find a way to rob me of the enjoyment of something that I would have loved in past years, which is chaos.

[Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports // 2 Comments »

10. You just woke up from your tryptophan coma

9. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy came out

8. You had so many helpings of mashed potatoes, you set off another famine in Ireland

7. Everyone in Jersey keeps calling you “Governor”

6. All your pets are missing

5. Both Ben and Jerry have friended you on Facebook

4. The Republicans are trying to shut down your mouth

3. You needed the Jaws of Life to get out of your Barcalounger

2. In the movie Gravity, you are clearly visible sitting in your backyard

1. You tried twerking, and set off an earthquake in Guatemala
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 3-G/222:  The “band face.” What does it actually say? – this forward-chinned, full view of the nasal passages? – this…sour look…that bands have had in their promo shots since some time in the late sixties? What does it say? Maybe it is some anemic statement: “We are arteests! We will take this picture because “the suits” say we have to, but we will not smile! – so there!” Is it a threat? “If you buy our record, we will  beat you up.” Maybe it is just another sophomoric attempt, on the part of musicians, to put on the “troubled soul” cloak of the phony bohemian. (If that were the case, though, their purpose would be better served by simply sulking in a chair for every shot.) Whatever it is, it is getting silly. Because it is silly, it is now an impotent gesture. It will stop.

The Punishment: Any band member who does not smile in a promo picture will be facially decorated by the Imperial Artist. Offenders will have a big smile drawn onto their face with multi-colored Sharpies. They will wear this smile during the entire promotion and touring process for whatever album they next release.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: music, The Emperor decrees // 2 Comments »

A couple of times a year, I end up posting a column without a lead story. There is never a lack of sports stories, both good and bad…that’s for certain. Occasionally, though, nothing grabs me enough to push me to write my lead story about it. This is one of those weeks. A bunch of interesting things happened in sports this week, and some of them, like the Jameis Winston story, are sure to continue to make news in the future. If I felt that my point of view would add a worthwhile angle to the story, I would put together a bunch of paragraphs about it here, but I am not feeling it. Anyway, here are the bad and good stories for the week. [Read more →]

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10. “Let’s say you and I ‘bury the hatchet’.”

9. “This is my last chance. We’re shipping out tomorrow.”

8. “I must compliment you on your magnificent spread!”

7. “Care for a little dark meat?”

6. “Just because I am a Puritan does not mean that I am puritanical.”

5. “Indeed, I must unbutton my breeches, as they are on the verge of bursting.”

4. “If you’d just be a little more ‘giving’, I’d certainly extend my ‘thanks’.”

3. “Which dost thou prefer, a leg or a breast?”

2. “Thou art quite handy with thine bow and arrow. How wouldst thou like to place thy shaft into my quiver?”

1. “I doth ache to get mine Plymouth Rocks off.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Michael James Rizza’s debut novel Cartilage and Skin won the ninth annual Starcherone Prize for Innovative Fiction. It’s a fascinating, fast-paced narrative that also offers its share of ambiguity, and I knew I wanted to interview him as soon as I put the book down. Here are my questions along with the author’s responses.

AK: How did you write the book? Did you outline first or write a substantial draft and allow a plot to come to you? How much writing did you have before you “saw” the plot of the entire book? Are there any twists of plot or turns of phrase that came up remarkably late in the process? [Read more →]

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