10. “It seems the Indians here have their own ball team. Two if you count the Redskins!”

9. “This turkey tastes a little funny to me. What breed of turkey is ‘tofu’ exactly?”

8. “And if we wanted to spend the day with our Native Americanm brethren, why would we wish to visit the local gaming emporium?”

7. “Your ancestors came over on the Mayflower? Big deal!”

6. “And you say you can get advice on cooking your bird from yonder handheld talking machine?!”

5 “Of course, when we knew Betty White, she was still in pigtails.”

4. “There is no need to struggle. Why do you not just share the wishbone?”

3. “Jebediah, look! Their leader appears to be a Native American!”

2. “Celebrating this day with giant balloons of cartoon animals! Why did we not think of that?!”

1. “I just ate so much turkey, I had to loosen the buckle on my hat!”
 

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10. “Why should I have to stuff a turkey if it’s not hollow to begin with?”

9. “If it says 450 degrees for six hours, would 900 degrees for three hours work as well?”

8. “How about 1,800 degrees for an hour and a half?”

7. “When I stuff a turkey, can I use any old stuff?”

6. “If the turkey is frozen, can I defrost it with a blowtorch?”

5. “How long do I have to microwave a 30-pound turkey?

4. “Can my electric carving knife cut through bone?”

3. “What about human bone?”

2. “If that little thing pops out on my turkey, does that mean it’s sexually aroused?”

1. “What if the turkey isn’t quite dead?”
 

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(Disclaimer: I have known Joshua nearly two decades and like him and his work enough for us to collaborate regularly, so if ye seek impartiality, look elsewhere. Let’s begin.)

When Joshua Scher has the New York launch of his first novel Here & There at Brooklyn’s POWERHOUSE Arena this Wednesday November 18 at 7pm, it will have taken over two years… since he finished the initial draft: “So much time that I actually had to go back and examine the ‘dates modified’ log to figure it out.” During that period, he went through “the finding the agent thing”, the “rewriting the book based on my agent’s edits” phase, the “finding a publisher” stage, the “going through the publisher’s round of edits” chapter, and the “copy edits” episode, with everything culminating in the “all the prep work for going to market” stretch.

Now that it’s finally unleashed on the world, how is it?

“When I opened up the box full of the first advance copies… I couldn’t stop smiling. For days. DAYS.” [Read more →]

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So what kind of magical thing will happen to you at college? What mysterious formula will make it all worthwhile? [Read more →]

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10. Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t happy

9. Fifty-one percent of Americans believe in love at first sight. The other forty-nine percent are men

8. Seven out of three Americans are bad with statistics

7. Nine out of ten dentists agree that that tenth dentist is an idiot

6. Three out of four Americans make up seventy-five percent of the population

5. Not a single person is in a relationship

4. Three and a half out of seven people overcomplicate things

3. Nine out of ten Americans agree that, out of ten Americans, one will always disagree with the other nine

2. In a recent survey of 100 respondents, sixty-five percent of people polled is water

1. Twenty out of ten schizophrenics love these Top Ten Lists
 

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10. Bad & Plenty

9. Middlefinger

8. Gecko Wafers

7. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg

6. Al Gore’s Melted Sno-Caps

5. Bilk Duds

4. Bengali Rancher

3. Cadbury Creme Eggs and Ham

2. I Can’t Believe They’re Not Raisinets

1. Chris Crispies
 

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Okay youth coaches, it’s game time. You have a choice to make: Are you a coach or are you a fan?

[Read more →]

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10. Listen to Frédéric Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” 60 times

9. Alphabetize the names of all of Bill Cosby’s victims

8. Watch “The Best of 2 Broke Girls” 120 times

7. Squeeze out and set aside one-inch lengths of toothpaste to save time in the coming weeks

6. Shampoo, rinse, repeat; Shampoo, rinse, repeat; Shampoo, rinse, repeat…

5. Try, again and again, to reset the clock on your VCR

4. Listen to “American Pie” and “Alice’s Restaurant” twice each

3. Share a bottle of Irish whiskey, then see who can say the phrase “Irish wristwatch” the most times in one hour

2. Make love to the wife, then take a nap for the other 55 minutes

1. Put on your Mr. Peabody mask and pretend you’re going back in time
 

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10. Amish air conditioner repairman

9. Mel Gibson’s image consultant

8. The guy who collects the souls of young boys and feeds them to the Koch brothers

7. Bill Cosby’s pharmacist

6. Public pool pee monitor

5. Donald Trump’s stylist

4. Apprentice crackwhore

3. Chris Christie’s lotion boy

2. Bulletproof vest tester

1. Speaker of the House of Representatives
 

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“What’s in a word,” an English teacher once asked me as I sought just the right expression for the thoughts I wished to convey in a composition assignment. The editors of “Legacy: An Anthology” have assembled an insightful, absorbing – and entertaining! – answer to that question.
[Read more →]

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Dear South Jersey Magazine,
On the cover of volume 12: issue 6, you trumpet that one of your stories is a “2015 Public High School Report Card.” With this letter, I ask that you reconsider how you represent public schools in your annual “Report Card” feature. [Read more →]

Tags: education, virtual children by Scott Warnock // 4 Comments »

10. Playing shuffleboard on the poop deck

9. Pooping on the shuffleboard deck

8. “Knock Knock” jokes

7. Gorging themselves at the overflowing buffet tables (hardtack only)

6. Looking for mermaids

5. Making salt water taffy

4. Sextanting each other

3. Scattergories

2. Complaining about how they don’t get Columbus Day off

1. Polishing the mast
 

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10. A Bridge Too Far – The Chris Christie Story

9. Frozen – Songs to Drive Your Parents Bonkers

8. Avatar – Smurfs in Space

7. The Expendables – Grumpy Old Men Armed to the Dentures

6. Inception – My Brain Just Broke

5. Herbie: The Love Bug – Emission: Impossible

4. Four Weddings and a Funeral – Five Tragedies

3. Dumb and Dumber – Barbara Bush’s Boys

2. The Theory of Everything – Look Who’s Hawking

1. 2001: A Space Odessey – Keir Dullea, Gone Tomorrow
 

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10. “A well-educated black has a tremendous advantage over a well-educated white in terms of the job market. [I]f I were starting off today, I would love to be a well-educated black, because I believe they do have an actual advantage.” (NBC News, September 1989)

9. “Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!” (Twitter, April 28, 2015)

8. “I have black guys counting my money. … I hate it. The only guys I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day.” (USA Today, May 20, 1991)

7. “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.” (Fox News Republican Debate, August 6, 2015

6. “Who the fuck knows? I mean, really, who knows how much the Japs will pay for Manhattan property these days?” (TIME, January 1989)

5. “I don’t have a racist bone in my body.” (Entertainment Tonight, July 1, 2015)

4. “There’s nothing I love more than women, but they’re really a lot different than portrayed. They are far worse than men, far more aggressive.” (The Art of the Comeback, 1997)

3. “You have to treat women like shit.” (New York Magazine, November 9, 1992)

2. “You know, it really doesn’t matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” (Esquire, 1991)

1. “My daughter Ivanka does have the best body. She’s really something; what a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father…” (The Howard Stern Show and Rolling Stone)
 

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In August, the Inquirer ran a front-page story titled “A tearful ‘How could a father allow this?’” A man gave his 15-year-old daughter the keys to his SUV. She picked up some friends, lost control of the car, and three of the friends were killed. Families were destroyed and people’s lives were ruined. A mother of one of the dead children said to the man, “Your decision to be the ‘cool dad’ devastated our community.” [Read more →]

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10. He’s overseeing the instillation of the Vatican’s first drive-through confessional

9. He considers himself an agnostic because, as he says in Latin, “How do you really know one way or the other?”

8. The communion wafers he distributes now include nacho-flavored

7. He’s hosting the Comedy Central Roast of Benedict XVI

6. A typical penance might be, “Say three ‘Hail Mary’s and sing three choruses of ‘John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt’”

5. Instead of one of those kneely things, his confession booth has a rocker recliner

4. Before he offers communion, he lets you speak with the wine steward

3. For showering, he’s allowing his likeness to be used on Pope-on-a-Rope

2. Instead of incense, before the service he fills the censers with Acapulco Gold

1. Last week he dedicated a new church in Rome called Our Lady of Gaga
 

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10. What everyone else thinks is a sunburn is actually a rash

9. You’ve lost so much blood from mosquito bites, they’ve stopped biting you

8. You got in trouble because you were lying stark naked on your hotel bed when the maid walked in…finally!

7. You caught crabs at the beach – but not the edible kind

6. First name Bill, last name Cosby

5. You’re a Republican

4. At the company picnic, you really ticked off the boss by drinking too much beer and then peeing in the swimming pool — from the diving board

3. You wish to God you’d never heard of the website Ashley Madison

2. To cash in on the season, you sank all your money into a chain of California water parks

1. You thought the summer camp you were applying to was dedicated to the ancient Egyptian goddess Isis
 

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There comes a point in every marriage where one partner tells the other: “I want to take a break from you and our child and the life we’ve built together to be a prostitute in Las Vegas—see you soon.” Granted, my wife and I haven’t reached this point yet (give us time, people). Nor have any of our friends. Nor has… well, anyone else I’ve ever met or heard of, besides the husband of former Olympian/call girl Suzy Favor Hamilton. For decades, he offered his spouse a love equal parts heartbreaking devotion and spectacularly questionable judgment. [Read more →]

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We now have a puppy: Little Prue joined the Warnocks last Monday. Those who know me might exclaim, “I didn’t know you were interested in getting a dog!” I wasn’t. Yet we now have a puppy: Little Prue. [Read more →]

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I have been remiss in attending to this column, though for the best of reasons: I had lost faith in it.

I had pretty much run out of quotations that had been on the tip of my tongue for decades, and searching around for others seemed somehow contrary to the spirit of the venture, which had to do with examining, up close and personal, the way Montaigne did, notions I had been subscribing to for years.

Looking around for new ones just to have something to write about didn’t seem the same. [Read more →]

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