10. Appaloser
9. Not-Very-Thorough-Bred
8. My Little Pony
7. Night Mare
6. Tripod
5. Seattle Stew
4. It’s A Grand Old Nag
3. Feckless Equus
2. Shouting Myself Horse
1. Sean Spicer
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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Shortly before the presidential election, I wrote if we had a Trump presidency, it would most resemble that of his fellow dark horse candidate Franklin Pierce: “Like Trump, Pierce was surrounded by chaos. (Though, unlike Trump, it wasn’t usually of his creation.)”
So far, so good.
It’s hard to remember sometimes, but from a historical standpoint Trump took office during an unusually stable moment in America’s history. We are a nation that’s fought two World Wars, suffered a handful of economic freefalls, seen our President die in office on eight occasions, had the British burn our capital, and for a time splintered apart completely.
By comparison—and this is no way ignores numerous massive problems, such as the fact you can’t refer to our nation’s infrastructure without using the word “crumbling”—America right now is a lazy summer day.
Of course, America doesn’t feel like a lazy summer day: nope, it’s the middle of winter and we’re freezing to death on the tundra, yet somehow simultaneously getting hit by a category 5 hurricane at the same moment the killer bees attack.
In what may be the biggest understatement of all time, there appear to be aspects of Donald Trump that could prove challenging to a successful presidency. Understand: most presidents have qualities or experiences that threaten their ability to lead. Pierce himself witnessed his son die in a train accident shortly before taking office and promptly went on to be a truly miserable Commander-in-Chief. However, we have also seen presidents overcome absurdly long odds to find success, as Lincoln’s struggles with depression and F.D.R.’s battle against polio didn’t stop either from being a great leader.
But if a president had depression and polio and refused to seek treatment for either condition and insisted on making fun of other people with depression and polio… well, that’s our Donald. [Read more →]
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10. At Least I Can Vote In the Next Election
9. I’ve Had My Fill of Clearasil
8. Give ’Em Enough Grope
7. Hide That Flask and Dance!
6. Journey to the Center of My Pants
5. Goodbye Textbooks! Hello Minimum Wage!
4. Fifty Shades of Bunting
3. 100 Seniors Standing Around a Ballroom Texting
2. Abstinence Makes the Hard Grow Fonder
1. You’re Not In the One Percent, So Why Even Bother
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Tweet10. “Relish the opportunity to be an outsider. You can be outside of so many things these days: a decent-paying job, the health care system,…”
9. “Betsy DeVos was going to be here to give a commencement speech, but she forgot how to read.”
8. “Liberty University ranks among the greatest institutions of higher learning, right up there with Trump University and Hogsworth.”
7. “I am amazed how many people are here today — there must be fifty or sixty million of you!”
6. “You aren’t going to let other people tell you what you believe, especially when you know that you’re right. You don’t need a lecture from Washington on how to lead your lives. That’s how each and every one of you should lead your life, and I know about this stuff because I’m from Washington.”
5. “Can you keep a secret? Oh, sorry, for a second there I thought you were all Russian.”
4. “Nothing is easier or more pathetic than being a critic. Just ask Little Marco, Lyin’ Ted, or Crooked Hillary.”
3. “I’m really glad to be here today at this phenomenal evangelical Christian university. No Muslims!”
2. “Can anybody tell me why the Democrats never get blocked from doing anything? — Why is it always obstruction of just us?”
1. “Today you end one chapter but you are about to begin the greatest adventure of your life. Now you must go forth into the world and turn your hopes and dreams into action. America has always been the land of dreams because America is a nation of true believers. The future belongs to the dreamers, not to the critics. The future belongs to the people who follow their hearts no matter what the critics say because they truly believe in their vision. Carry yourself with dignity and pride. The more people tell you it’s not possible, that it can’t be done, the more you should be absolutely determined to prove them wrong. And always have the courage to be yourself. You have to do what you love. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m feeling a bit bloated, ’cause I just ate about a pound of fortune cookies!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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You’re probably hearing more lately about vouchers and what’s called “choice” approaches to schooling. Have your antenna up and look carefully into what these education approaches are about — and what they do to children. [Read more →]
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10. The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive”
9. The Three Degrees’ “When Will I See You Again”
8. Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”
7. Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”
6. Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”
5. Lesley Gore’s “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To”
4. Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust”
3. Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy”
2. Amii Stewart’s “(You Better) Knock On Wood”
1. The Bee Gees’ “How Deep Is Your Love”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
TweetMy dad found an old grainy video of my brother and me when we were about 7 and 8 years old doing – what else? – some wrestling on a lawn. He had it converted from 8 mm to a DVD and titled it “Yesterday.” [Read more →]
Tweet10. When I was young, my mother said I could be anything I wanted to be and that the sky was the limit – which is why I gave up on my dream of becoming an astronaut.
9. My mother always taught me to fight fire with fire – eventually leading to my being booted off our local volunteer fire department.
8. My mother always advised me to quit while I was ahead – and to this day I’ve never won a race.
7. My mother said I should never run away from my problems, and once my problem was I was being chased by a bear.
6. My mother always told me, “You can’t blame a guy for trying,” but the police totally disagreed when they arrested me for attempted murder.
5. My mother told me that sixty was the new thirty – so now I have a one-year suspension on my driver’s license.
4. My mother always said that, when I grew up, I could be anybody I wanted to be – leading to my being arrested for identity theft.
3. My mother told me to always give 100% – which is why I nearly died at last year’s blood drive.
2. My mother said my life goal should be to light up the room wherever I go – and now I’ve been charged with arson.
1. I told my mother, “When I grow up I want to be a man,” and she replied, “Don’t be silly, you can’t do both!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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Three weeks ago today my right breast and 25 of my lymph nodes were removed. Man, did it hurt. It’s getting easier, as far as the pain goes. The strangest part, physically, is that when it doesn’t hurt there is an emptiness. Having air where there used to be this part of me is a strange and sad adjustment to make. It feels ghostly, is that a word? The strangest part, emotionally, is coming to terms with that surgery being just the start.
People talk a lot about fighting. All these war references seem misplaced after a bit. You see it especially with breast cancer. We are all referred to as “warriors” pretty regularly, and we are doing battle with boobs. They make tee shirts that say: “Yes, these are fake. My real ones tried to kill me.” Some women begin to resent and hate their breasts and their bodies when they get breast cancer. I can’t relate.
I have certainly had a love/hate relationship with my body (when I was skinny I wished for curves and then when I wasn’t skinny I wasn’t happy with that either. It wasn’t until my late thirties that I realized I usually looked pretty great and needed to stop caring). It took having cancer to make me feel genuine love for my body. I didn’t get mad at my body. I didn’t feel like an angry warrior. I felt sorry. I have apologized to my self so many times since my diagnosis. I’m so sorry that I didn’t do better and know better. I’m most sorry that I didn’t love my body. I didn’t appreciate it, I insulted it, I didn’t take care of it. I’m not angry with it now. I love it now. I see it now as such a gift. Every day in this body is a gift. Some crap life lesson that we all know is true and never spend two seconds to think about until we are knee deep in the quicksand.
Apologies aren’t getting me anywhere with this body of mine, though. Not so far. And there are so many miles left to go before I rest easy. I’m maybe 20-25% there. I just did this hard thing, and all of these people showed up and fed us and cared and asked and helped. I was so grateful, and then at the same time I wanted them to stop. I wanted to remind everyone that they should maybe come next time instead, when maybe it will be worse. There is so much more to come. I now have two kinds of cancer. About 3% of women get thyroid cancer after they get breast cancer. Most of those 3% get it way after, but I couldn’t wait. I’ve never had any patience. So, this thyroid will probably be removed as well. Those appointments start soon. They want to focus on the breast first, and I have been doing the same (mentally, I mean). I am up to like 6 or 7 doctors now (including naturopath types). Last week I had four appointments in three days and afterward I just crumbled. I had started to feel a little better physically, feel like I was accomplishing something by healing from surgery, and then I realized that my sprint turned into a marathon turned into a triathlon. Is there a kind of race that you run for life?
Life is now the strangest mix of desperately trying to let myself feel joy in every possible moment, being ever diligent about my food and supplements, my doctor’s appointments, treatments, meditation and exercise, and trying to provide my family with the care and love that they need and deserve. I just keep thinking that I want more more more. More of everything. More of this exact life. I don’t think anymore about what I might have done differently. I would take more of exactly this forever.
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10. Crazy (by Patsy Cline)
9. Back in the U.S.S.R. (by The Beatles)
8. You’re So Vain (by Carly Simon)
7. Crazy (by Seal)
6. What’s New Pussy Cat? (by Tom Jones)
5. Electra Avenue (by Eddy Grant)
4. Catch a Falling Czar (by Perry Como)
3. Crazy (by Gnarls Barkley)
2. Urine My Heart (by Rod Stewart)
1. Putin on the Ritz (by Taco)
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
TweetSo I come home from work early and my little guy is playing video games again. Again. I go right into the usual bawling about how he plays video games too much and my wife although she states her agreement with me again — again! — comes up with the excuse this time that I only saw the video game-playing because I came home early. That line of logic – if I came home later that would have meant he’d been on it longer! — drives me to rage. [Read more →]
Tweet10. “We had no idea he was a doctor, because he wasn’t wearing scrubs and a stethoscope.”
9. “Our slogan is ‘Fly the Friendly Skies,’ but we were still on the ground.”
8. “All publicity is good publicity, as long as they spell your name right – and that’s ‘Airlines, with an ‘s’.”
7. “Our in-flight entertainment system was on the fritz, and we wanted to provide our passengers something with a bit of drama to it.”
6. “Of course we think United employees should get preference; after all, they’re United employees!”
5. “He refused to return his tray table to its full upright and locked position.”
4. “We had no idea other passengers would use their cell phones to take footage of the incident – that’s on them!”
3. “We offered him accommodations in an overhead compartment, but he refused.”
2. “The day before I gave the order, I massively shorted United Airlines stock.”
1. “Why do I get the feeling any excuse I give just won’t fly?”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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10. Tom, Dick, and Harry are in a VW when they have a head-on collision with a Mack truck.
9. Suddenly, they find themselves walking across these white billowy clouds towards these pearly gates.
8. As they start running towards the gates, St. Peter swoops in and says, “Wait a second, you can’t just come buzzing in here like you own the place!…”
7. “…You have to prove you learned something on Earth, and we have it boiled down to one question: What is Easter?”
6. Tom thinks about it for a while, then says, “My aunt and uncle come over, and we have turkey and cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie,….Pilgrims!”
5. Saint Peter pushes a button and Tom disappears down this fiery chute.
4. Dick’s sweating now because he’s next and there’s that fire there, and he thinks for a second, then sings, “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!” – Saint Peter pushes the button and he’s gone.
3. Harry, also sweating, says hopefully, “Well, it has something to do with Christ’s death.”
2. St. Peter considers this, smiles, and says, “Well, so does Good Friday; let’s be a little bit more specific.”
1. And Harry says, “There’s this massive rock, Jesus rises from the dead, He rolls back the rock, steps outside,…[pause]…and if He sees His shadow…”
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Rebecca Schuman’s new memoir is a fast read with a long title: Schadenfreude, A Love Story. Me, the Germans, and 20 Years of Attempted Transformations, Unfortunate Miscommunications, and Humiliating Situations That Only They Have Words For. The book offers an engrossing look at the author’s adventures in the liberal arts, graduate training, and much more. Schuman’s memoir takes us from the Pacific Northwest to college back East, and then on multiple excursions to Germany where she has a chance to be reminded that her literary love, Franz Kafka, wasn’t German even as she immerses herself in a language that bamboozles her in comic, yet thought-provoking, ways. The book grabbed this reader, and I was eager to return to it every chance I got. Toward the end the narrative moves to graduate school and the anguish of an extremely competitive academic job market where we know that well over a hundred applications can greet each new tenured slot, particularly in the humanities. Since completing her PhD and failing to land such a dream job, Rebecca Schuman has built a substantial online readership writing about academia for Slate. More recently, she has returned to Germany as a subject “in the accusative case” in spunky columns at The Awl. In the middle of Schadenfreude, it occurred to me that it would be fun to interview Rebecca Schuman, and the author was kind enough to respond to these questions. [Read more →]
Tweet10. “And God created light, and saw that it was good. Then God created man, and saw that it was hilarious.” – Genesis 12:5
9. “As ye sew, so shall ye rip.” – Galatians 6:7
8. “And the Lord said unto John, ‘Come forth, and receive eternal life.’ But John came fifth, and only won a toaster.” – Leviticus 12:18
7. “Then the three disciples went to Mount Olive, but before they could, Popeye swooped in and beat the crap out of them.” – John 3:18
6. “Many are cold, but few are frozen.” – Matthew 22:14
5. “Then Doubting Thomas asked, ‘If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?’” – Mark 11:16
4. “And God said unto Abraham, ‘Be not mistaken, and doubt not that widescreen is the best.’” – Sony 16:9
3. “Thou shalt not raise thy hand to thy child. It leaves thy groin unprotected.” – Corinthians 9:7
2. “The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.” – Deuteronomy 13:3
1. “In the beginning, there was nothing, and God said, ‘Let there be light.’ Then there was still nothing, but now you could see it.” – Genesis 12:5
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
TweetWith three teenagers, I’m getting on the other side of it – could it be this column may have run its course?! – and now I feel I have some hard-earned perspective to provide to people just starting this kid-raising bit. One of my starters: Keep them off the phones as long as you can. [Read more →]
Tweet10. Where does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?
9. Do gun manuals have a “Trouble Shooting” section?
8. If a man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
7. If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
6. Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next month?
5. If a firefighter’s business can go up in smoke, and a plumber’s business can go down the drain, can a hooker be laid off?
4. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
3. Why don’t autobiographies ever end with the author writing a book?
2. If an indoor shooting range is burning, what do you yell to raise the alarm?
1. On a scale of 6 to 2.3, how much do you hate not being confused?
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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10. Your “lace curtains” seem to be catching an unusually large number of flies
9. After a mudslide swept through your house, it actually looked better
8. Your “bean bag chair” is made of accumulated lint
7. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come inside
6. Your “dust bunnies” have all been devoured by “dust bobcats”
5. You’ve lost three pets and a nephew to indoor avalanches
4. Something keeps slamming your refrigerator door shut…from the inside!
3. When somebody asks, “What died in here?” you give them a list
2. You wipe your feet on the mat before stepping outside
1. Now that Trump is gutting the EPA, you’re hoping they’ll finally stop sending you warning letters
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
TweetMay I be wrong.
May I be so wrong.
Having been through this with many beloved relatives including multiple grandparents, it’s not something I wish on anybody, no matter what I may think of them personally. No one deserves to lose their identity—no one’s loved ones should be forced to witness them going through this loss.
That noted, reading Donald Trump’s interview in TIME, it’s hard not to think that something’s… off.
Understand: Trump is at risk. An estimated one in ten Americans over 65 has Alzheimer’s dementia. Trump is the oldest person ever to reach the presidency—he turns 71 on June 14. Beyond this, Trump’s own father had Alzheimer’s.
The Mayo Clinic has listed the signs of dementia. They include:
• Difficulty communicating or finding words
• Difficulty reasoning or problem-solving
• Confusion and disorientation
• Anxiety
• Inappropriate behavior
• Paranoia
• Agitation
At the risk of being blunt: does this sound like anyone we know?
TweetI watched the NCAA wrestling championships the other night and saw the stunning dominance of Penn State. The Nittany Lions won five (of 10, for you non-wrestling folks) individual national titles. Two of those guys beat two-time defending champs. Another was a redshirt freshman who took off the redshirt midway through the year. The other two are buzzsaws. The team won the national team title for the sixth time in seven years. [Read more →]
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