10. Season tickets to all the home games of the Kansas City Royals

9. A box set of Prince CDs

8. An American–English dictionary

7. An athletic cup to protect the crown jewels

6. A nightie from Queen Victoria’s Secret

5. A gift certificate to Scepters R Us

4. The illusion that the Royal Family still wields some power

3. Something to read on the throne

2. A DVD copy of the 1957 Laurence Olivier–Marilyn Monroe film The Prince and the Showgirl

1. The entire United States, to be accepted on behalf of Harry’s family — we’ll even pay that stupid Tea Tax! — but only if Harry will accept it immediately, before it’s too late!
 

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10. Regular naps prevent aging, especially if you take them while driving.

9. My car’s such a piece of crap that its resale value goes up or down, depending on how much gas is in it.

8. I consider the word ‘Dodge’ on the front of my truck to be fair warning to jaywalkers.

7. Have you ever noticed anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anybody driving faster than you is a maniac.

6. I just got into a car accident while reading a sign telling me to keep my eyes on the road.

5. My new house has a circular driveway, and I can’t get out.

4. Apparently, everyone in my town thinks the saying is, “Don’t think and drive.”

3. Honking endlessly isn’t going to make me drive any faster – stupid geese!

2. I just bought a crappy secondhand car and the only gear that works is ‘Reverse’ – but I’m happy, as long as it gets me from B to A.

1. If you try braking, it will give your driving a bit more 00mph!
 

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10. I suppose, when asked by a potential employer if I have a criminal record, “Highest number of robberies in an hour” isn’t an appropriate answer.

9. I don’t mind going to work, but it’s the eight hours waiting to go home that annoy me.

8. My boss just put me in charge of obeying him.

7. I wish some of my co-workers weren’t allowed in the break room, because that’s usually who I need a break from.

6. We will continue having meetings every day until I find out why no work is getting done.

5. At work I was running around like a madman: naked, with a chainsaw.

4. Why would I work through lunch, when I don’t even work through work?

3. My boss needs to stop holding secret meetings about my paranoia.

2. Why does my work week always go: MONDAY–TUESDAY–WEDNESDAY–THURSDAY–blink–MONDAY–TUESDAY–WEDNESDAY–THURSDAY–blink?

1. I’ve been sacked from my job, or as I prefer to think of it, I’m on eternity leave.
 

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10. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy comes out

9. Just like one of those turkey thermometers so you can tell when it’s done, your belly button pops out

8. After the meal, you have to loosen the band on your wristwatch

7. NASA is considering a mission to photograph the other side of you

6. A policeman comes up to you and orders you to disperse

5. After dinner, when you get on a plane from New York to Los Angeles, it has to taxi the whole way

4. Both Ben and Jerry friend you on Facebook

3. The super in your building changes the sign in the elevator to read “Maximum Occupancy: 1”

2. You start sweating yams

1. You catch the flesh eating bacteria, and are given 67 years to live
 

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10. I used to do drugs, and I still do, but I used to, too.

9. When the policeman asked me, “How high are you?” I corrected him by saying, “No, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’.”

8. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

7. I had to start drug testing all of my employees, just so I’d know who to buy stuff from in the future.

6. My drug dealer drove around slowly for a while, before picking up speed.

5. I took drugs last night with my shoelaces undone, which was a big mistake because I was tripping all night.

4. If a midget smokes weed, does he get medium?

3. When the policeman asked me about all the cannabis growing in my backyard, I suggested, “Someone must have planted it there.”

2. I passed a drug test recently, which was weird, because I don’t remember eating one.

1. Drugs are never the answer, unless the clue is “Narcotics – Five letters.”
 

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10. Geezer Pleaser

9. Fossil Fun

8. CurmudgeonMingle

7. Oldster

6. Generation X-Lax

5. Depends on Each Other

4. Methuselahs

3. Decrepit Cupid

2. pee-Harmony

1. carbon-dating.com
 
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10. The Naked and the Deadpool

9. Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Superman

8. Dark Knight at the Museum

7. A Justice League of Their Own

6. Kiss of the Spiderman

5. Supergirl Interrupted

4. American History X-Men

3. Scent of a Wonder Woman

2. Daredevil Wears Prada

1. How Stella Got Her Groot Back
 

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10. A coffin – that’s the last thing I need.

9. My grandma lives in the past, but in the present she’s dead.

8. I’ll sure be glad when scientists discover a cure for natural causes.

7. The death penalty is killing people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong.

6. I have some time to kill, but not enough to dispose of the bodies.

5. Halloween is by far the safest day to kill someone and then leave them in a chair on your front porch.

4. Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire’s heart works even if the guy isn’t a vampire.

3. When I took my items up to the cashier at the spiritualist shop, there was a sign that said “Queue from other side” — so I killed myself.

2. What if the light we see at the end of the tunnel when we die is really just us being pushed out of a vagina into our next life?

1. If you really believe in reincarnation, instead of putting RIP on your tombstone, you should put BRB.
 

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10. Alcohol, because no good story starts with someone eating a salad.

9. It’s so weird, but it’s a ten-minute walk from my house to the pub, and it’s a two-hour walk from the pub to my house!

8. I don’t wake up, I come to.

7. Childhood is like being drunk: everybody remembers what you did, except you.

6. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems – but then again, neither does milk.

5. I hate it when you’re making your way home drunk, just minding your own business, and someone steps on your fingers.

4. I don’t drink to forget, I…what was I saying?

3. They say that alcohol kills you slowly, but then, who’s in a hurry?

2. It could be the wine talking, but more likely it’s Joe, the guy I have locked in the wine cellar.

1. I got pulled over for Driving While Intoxicated but, in my defense, I didn’t know I was driving.
 

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10. “I couldn’t afford a Fitbit and thought this would be the next best thing.”

9. “I’m a big fan of ‘pumping’ iron.”

8. “I thought it would be a good way to meet one of those hunky firefighters.”

7. “I made a miscalculation; the 6-pound dumbbell has a bigger hole.”

6. “It’s the male equivalent of Kegels.”

5. “It takes a dumbbell to fuck a dumbbell.”

4. “I’m very nearsighted, and I honestly thought it was a cat.”

3. “I misheard something about the gym being overcrowded, and then something about cramming in a member.”

2. “I was practicing my short-range ring toss.”

1. “Well it had a hole in it, didn’t it?!”
 

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10. The Bad, The Ugly, and the Morally Reprehensible

9. Tombstone (if Obamacare is Repealed)

8. Unforgivable

7. Once Upon a Time in the Moscow Hilton

6. 3:10 Chartered Flight to Yuma

5. The Odious Seven

4. Dances with Nazis

3. The Outlaw Jared Kushner

2. A Shitload of Dollars

1. For A Few Million More
 

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10. The Lion King Kong

9. Django Undead

8. Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Predator

7. Mummy Dearest

6. The Werewolf of Wall Street

5. Jack Creature: Never Go Back

4. Hunchback Mountain

3. The Thing and I

2. My Bigfoot Greek Wedding

1. What About Blob?
 

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10. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar, and doesn’t.

9. When the bartender told the helium, “We don’t serve noble gases in here,” he didn’t react.

8. After the neutron drank his beer, he asked the bartender for the bill, but the bartender said, “For you, no charge.”

7. When the bartender told the Higgs Boson he had to go to church right away and the Higgs Boson asked why, the bartender said, “Because they can’t have mass without you.”

6. A photon checked into a hotel, and when the porter asked him if he had any luggage, he replied, “No, I’m travelling light.”

5. A student sees Einstein sitting next to him on the train, and asks, “Excuse me, Professor, but does Boston stop at this train?”

4. When the policeman stopped Werner Heisenberg for speeding and told him how fast he was going, Heisenberg responded, “Great! Now I’m lost!”

3. Never trust an atom, because they make up everything.

2. The Theory of Relativity says time moves more slowly when you’re with your relatives.

1. They say one day the universe will implode — no matter!
 

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10. I need a punctuation mark that’s halfway between a period and an exclamation point, so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

9. I didn’t pay my syntax, so I got a poorly constructed prison sentence.

8. I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks – which was way too literal for me!

7. A girl texted me, “Your adorable,” I texted back, “No, YOU’RE adorable,” and now we’re married – when all I was trying to do was correct her typo.

6. If I had a dollar for every time I leave something unfinished,

5. There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.

4. Sometimes I use phrases that I don’t understand, and vice versa.

3. I seek eloquence, but I’d be satisfied with coherence.

2. I saw a teacher beating a student about the head while screaming, “Die! Die! Die!” so I guess, from now on, that kid will remember what the singular of ‘Dice’ is.

1. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
 

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10. Ball the President’s Men

9. Barbara’s Bush

8. Politically Erect

7. Pussy-Graber-in-Chief

6. The Devil in Miss Conway

5. Filibuster Cherry

4. Nazi-jism

3. Nailin’ Palin

2. Cruzin’

1. Deep Pockets
 

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10. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

9. I for one — but that’s Roman numerals for you!

8. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician, who finally worked it out with a pencil?

7. I was quite young when I learned to count, and it was odd at first, even then.

6. When my math teacher told me I was average, I said, “That’s just mean.”

5. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

4. If I ever get taken in for questioning, I hope there’s no calculus.

3. I heard the government was doing away with Roman numerals, but all I can say is: Not on my watch!

2. A farmer saw that he had 37 cows in his field, but when he rounded them up, he had 40.

1. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender.
 

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10. On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery, so there I was, surrounded by trees and bushes.

9. I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.

8. In school, I wasn’t so much the class clown as the class trapeze artist, because I was always being suspended.

7. My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential, just before he pushed me off the roof.

6. When my math teacher asked me if I understood inequalities, I answered, “More or less.”

5. It’s Groundhog Day, but enough about the school lunch menu.

4. The only thing more dangerous than grizzly bears in our schools is Betsy DeVos.

3. When I went to college, my parents threw a going-away party for me, according to their letter.

2. There are certain things about school that you hate at the time, but would pay good money for later in life — like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.

1. If I’ve learned one thing in life, then the American education system has really let me down.
 

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10. Alt-Right Guard

9. Goebbels ’n Bits

8. White-In Liquid Paper

7. Grey Goose Step Vodka

6. Invading Poland Spring Water

5. Death Campfire Marshmallows

4. MixMaster Race

3. K-K-K-Y Jelly

2. Eva Brawny Towels

1. Reich Krispies
 

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10. In Cold Bloodhound

9. Slaughterhouse Canine

8. The Bitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

7. The Hound and the Fury

6. Jane Airedale

5. The Picture of Dorian Greyhound

4. Barkness at Noon

3. The Great Dane Gatsby

2. Love In the Time of Collie

1. The Adventures of Huckleberry Hound
 

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10. Preventing childhood obesity is as easy as taking candy from a baby.

9. I don’t know why all the kids call me Quasimodo, but I have a hunch.

8. If I could have dinner with any person living or dead, I’d pick the living one.

7. I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

6. I had to cancel my appointment with the impotency clinic, because something came up.

5. The police recovered my stolen sofa, which was really nice of them because it was looking a bit tatty.

4. Diarrhea must be hereditary, since it runs in your genes.

3. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

2. My granddad had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the Philadelphia Zoo.

1. My wife may nag me at times, but when she told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down!
 

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