10. Man o’ Peace
9. It’s A Grand Old Nag
8. No Way José
7. Artificial Hip
6. Save-Your-Money
5. Mucilage
4. Stumblebum
3. Tripod
2. Chris Christie
1. Wrong Way Corrigan
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Somebody just now told me that taxes are due every year.”
9. “I was working around the clock trying to revive the Herman Cain campaign.”
8. “I’m deathly afraid of 1040 paper cuts.”
7. “I miss prison.”
6. “Fill out a tax form?! I can’t even program my VCR!”
5. “After I claim all the voices in my head as deductions, it turns out they owe me money!”
4. “I was hoping I could barter for what I owe with sexual favors.”
3. “All my calculations were lost when somebody turned over my Etch A Sketch.”
2. “Being in the top one percent, I thought I was exempt.”
1. “I’m still waiting for this Nigerian prince to e-mail me some money.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. His last client was Gary Busey
9. It takes him 45 minutes to figure out his tip at the Hair Cuttery
8. He claims bajillion is a real number
7. He promises to visit you in prison
6. When you get a closer look at his ‘calculator’ you realize he’s just playing Angry Birds
5. He says he spend a lot of time consulting with his own tax adviser: Johnnie Walker
4. When you point out a math error, he says, “Ahhh, five of one, half a dozen of the other.”
3. He claims your refund is actually supposed to go to him
2. He does his calculating in the nude, so he can count to 21
1. Before every number on your tax form, he puts one of those ‘more or less’ squiggles
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The New York Dolls
9. The Philadelphia Cream Cheese
8. The Seattle Frasiers
7. The Boston Beaners
6. The Charlotte Raes
5. The Fort Worth Their Weight In Gold
4. The Phoenix Envy
3. The Major League Assholes
2. The Austin Powers
1. The Corpus Christi Chris Christies
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. All your chocolate is of the ‘baking’ variety
9. Your Easter eggs have little fuses coming out of them
8. The grass he uses in your Easter basket is from the Dog Park
7. He has “F.U.” shaved into the fur on his back
6. He starts each day by egging your car
5. He told you that Santa wasn’t real
4. He says he wants to cut off your foot to carry around for luck
3. He’s always dissin’ your peeps
2. The eggs hidden on your lawn are six feet deep
1. Those ain’t Raisinets
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The only thing on the resort’s TV was health class videos about STDs
9. Your beach was still covered with oil slicks and tar balls
8. To get into your room, you had to break through some yellow police tape
7. So you could eat, the staff lent you a video of Hillbilly Handfishin’
6. The only alcohol you had was in the Nyquil the resort doctor gave you
5. The package was seven days, three nights
4. What you thought was a mint left on your pillow suddenly crawled away
3. Instead of Puerto Vallarta, you spent the week at the Port Authority
2. The only ‘action’ you got was the speed bumps your taxi ran over
1. Rick Santorum recommended your resort as “a good Christian alternative”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. He doesn’t chase cats so much as amble in their general direction
9. Instead of “Lassie” you’ve decided to call her “Assy”
8. Whenever he plays dead, he can’t get up again
7. He has to eat Lipitor-enhanced Friskies
6. His chew toy is a 12-pound ham
5. You finally realized he isn’t barking “Ruff Ruff Ruff” but “Stuffed Crust Pizza”
4. He spends half his time stuck in the doggie door
3. He answers to the name “Chris Christie”
2. Instead of a GPS chip, you just use Google Earth
1. In the evening, you don’t take your dog for a walk; you take him for a roll
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Yes, that’s a snake in my pocket, and I’m glad to see you!”
9. “My lips aren’t the only things that are magically delicious.”
8. “You sure know how to turn a guy’s blue balls green!”
7. “My small statute makes some things appear much larger by contrast!”
6. “You sure know how to put the Irish spring in my step!”
5. “I’ll grant ye one wish – as long as it involves my pants.”
4. “In today’s market, do you have any idea what a pot o’ gold is worth?!”
3. “You sure are cute! Part of me is Dublin already!”
2. “Top of the mornin’ to ya! Or would you rather be on the bottom?”
1. “What to see my shillelagh?”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. When you call in sick, it doesn’t involve nearly as much playacting
9. You can get drunk on NyQuil even if you’re underage
8. When members of the opposite sex avoid you like the plague, you can blame the flu
7. You can catch up on your daytime soaps
6. The show “Working It” almost seems kinda funny when you’re delirious with a fever
5. When you’re rude and obnoxious, you have a good excuse
4. You like it when people say you’re hot, even if they’re only feeling your forehead
3. When you call into work, it’s nice to tell the truth for a change
2. You get such a kick, secretly licking the dinner plate of people you hate
1. You can lay around in your jammies all day and not look like a lazy slob
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Billy Crystal’s hosting? What, was Letterman busy?”
9. “For Jack and Jill, I thought Adam Sandler would be nominated for Best Actor and Best Actress.”
8. “The Tree of Life is up for a new award: Most Cryptic.”
7. “Somebody told me the stars of The Artist actually know how to speak!”
6. “George Clooney and Brad Pitt? What category is this, Most Hunky?”
5. “I thought The Iron Lady was such a lame sequel to Iron Man!”
4. “I want to see Woody Allen and Martin Scorsese duke it out!”
3. “This thing is lasting longer than a Kardashian marriage.”
2. “I love the new ‘anatomically correct’ Oscar; it’s so much easier to carry!”
1. “I hear in their next film, Meryl Streep and Glenn Close are going to play each other!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. George Washington never said “I cannot tell a lie” – though he did originate the phrase “gettin’ jiggy wit it”
9. President William Howard Taft was so fat, once, while entering the White House, he got stuck between two columns
8. During his Fireside Chats, FDR liked to roast marshmallows
7. Richard Nixon actually enjoyed lying to the American people
6. Bill Clinton was the recipient of more ‘Lewinskis’ than any other President
5. ‘Rough Rider’ was a nickname given to Teddy Roosevelt by his wife
4. George W. Bush was already reading at a third-grade level by the time he was nominated
3. Barack Obama has used the White House’s tanning salon less frequently than any other President
2. Abraham Lincoln was not gay – however, Mary Todd Lincoln was a man
1. Mitt Romney was unquestionably our worst President, irreparably destroying the country
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. I Love you, Dearest, to the stars and back,
9. And cannot wait to see from in your eyes.
8. Today the world may seem a little black.
7. Tomorrow knows a brilliant sun will rise!
6. At last, our two halves will make up a whole!
5. Not merely soulmates, but we’ll be twin flames!
4. Through many lifetimes, this has been our goal!
3. Through many lifetimes, and through many names!
2. I cannot wait to see the end arise!
1. Then see the new beginning through your eyes!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The television screen was so small, you had to take turns watching
9. Every five minutes, some old guy was yelling, “Where’s Knute Rockne?”
8. You missed most of the first half so the host could tell you all about Scientology
7. Somebody had already licked all the orange dust off the Cheetos
6. No New York Giants fans, no New England Patriots fans, just Beyoncé fans
5. There’s a big screen TV, but it’s stuck on a station showing “Matlock” reruns
4. The guacamole was moving
3. It was held on Saturday so no one would miss church
2. When the host ran out of beer, he started serving NyQuil
1. The only snacks were what you could find under the couch cushions
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. It’s so cold, you have trouble jump-starting your penguin
9. It’s so cold, you’re shivering like Rick Santorum at a Gay Pride parade
8. It’s so cold, when Wall Street investors jumping off buildings hit the sidewalk, they shatter into a million tiny pieces
7. It’s so cold, Osama bin Laden actually saw a snowball where he is
6. It’s so cold, Michele Bachmann’s husband is staying in the closet – for the coats
5. It’s so cold, nobody’s calling the fire department when their house catches on fire
4. It’s so cold, when police tell a robber to freeze, it’s redundant
3. It’s so cold, five rednecks have frozen off their truck nuts
2. It’s so cold, Anthony Weiner is Tweeting pictures of his mukluks
1. It’s so cold, you’re teeth won’t stop chattering – and they’re still in the glass
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. It’s Larry the Cable Guy’s first dramatic turn
9. Your movie was the basis for the television show “Working It”
8. It stars either Smurfs, gnomes, or chipmunks
7. The opening and the closing credits meet in the middle
6. The jury at Cannes recommended the death penalty
5. It’s called Incredibly Quiet and Extremely Far Away
4. During its in-flight run, people kept walking out
3. Like The Artist, it’s a silent film, but only due to a technical error
2. Instead of Meryl Streep, it stars Merle Haggard
1. In his review, Roger Ebert said he wished he had more than two thumbs to put down
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Your New Year’s kiss left smudge marks on your mirror
9. Your wife’s resolution was to give up you
8. You recently invested all your money with some Italian guy named Ponzi
7. You’re Michele Bachmann
6. You accidentally watched that new TV show about two dudes in dresses
5. You just woke up from your 2010 New Year’s Eve party
4. You started the new year with ten fingers and toes – now, not so many
3. You can still hear that firecracker someone set off near your head on New Year’s Eve
2. Last year your company went paperless; this year they’re going peopleless
1. You’re still writing “2011” on all your death threats
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You’re a perfect 36: 12, 12, and 12
9. The judges make note of a suspicious bulge under your bathing suit
8. You can’t stop belching
7. Your evening gown is made out of pork rinds
6. You claim to be from East Virginia
5. During the interview portion, you say that the man you most admire is Satan
4. You spent all your preparation time polishing your tooth
3. The only thing you’ve ever won before is an Abe Vigoda Lookalike Contest
2. Your talent is standing erect
1. Instead of using adhesive spray to keep your swimsuit from riding up, you use duct tape
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. I resolve to finish that pro-Catholic pornographic musical I’ve been working on
9. I resolve to eat my weight in marzipan
8. I resolve to finally find Waldo
7. I resolve to keep my ambitions within reach
6. I resolve to solve world hunger
5. I resolve to e-mail back that Nigerian prince who keeps trying to contact me
4. I resolve to think of another password for my computer besides ‘password’
3. I resolve to drive by a gym at least three times a week
2. I resolve to keep all my resolutions to myself this year
1. I resolve to limit my number of resolutions to nine
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. So You Think You Can Wassail
9. I Saw Uncle Charlie Kissing Santa Claus
8. The Littlest Angel: You’re Gonna Do What With That Christmas Tree?!
7. When Elves Attack
6. How the Grinch Got Green Genital Warts
5. Sheep in Heavenly Fleece
4. America’s Funniest Home Videos Nutcracker
3. Frosty the Hypothermia Victim
2. It’s a Wonderful Life for the One Percent
1. The Black Friday Special: Assault & Pepper Spray
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Instead of ‘Naughty’ or ‘Nice’ you’re on his ‘Asshole’ list
9. He leaves a note saying, “You better watch out! You better not cry! You better not shout while I’m torturing you!”
8. He smears reindeer poop all over your drapes
7. Your biggest gift is Newt Gingrich’s To Save America
6. He pours eggnog into your Christmas stocking
5. You’re constantly being tripped by sinister-looking elves
4. As he drives out of sight, he exclaims, “Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night…except you, you bastard!”
3. All the candy canes he leaves you contain fish hooks
2. Instead of ‘jolly’ you’d have to describe his demeanor as ‘malevolent’
1. When you try to sit on his lap, he jumps out of the way
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
