10. The “school nurse” is just a cafeteria lady with access to the Internet

9. Instead of buses, anyone who lives more than a mile from school is issued a large plastic hitchhiking thumb

8. Gym class consists of walking on treadmills that power the ovens for home economics

7. The restrooms have a cover charge

6. The guidance counselor has been replaced by Siri

5. The art teacher is selling tattoos at five bucks a pop

4. Every lunch consists of Mystery Stew

3. Music class is nothing but YouTube videos

2. Any spare fingers that wind up on the shop class floor are recycled to the cafeteria

1. They’ve just reclassified pepper spray as a vegetable
 

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10. Congressional Ethics

9. Competitive Yawning

8. Forensic Mythology

7. The Films of Jean-Claude Van Damme

6. Typewriter Repair

5. Ogling

4. Amish Microwave Cooking

3. The Wisdom of Dr. Phil

2. The Politics of Dancing

1. Dressage
 

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10. They boast “fewer faculty felons than last year”

9. You were admitted because you were able to sketch a picture of a turtle you saw on a book of matches

8. The only books in their library contain nothing but names, addresses, and phone numbers

7. It makes Bob Jones University look like Harvard

6. The college application was an insert in a McDonald’s menu

5. The school’s Latin motto is “Non Impediti Ratione Cogitationis” (“Unencumbered by the Thought Process”)

4. The photo on the cover of the college catalogue: Johnny Knoxville

3. When you ask if the college is well endowed, the school president pulls down his zipper

2. Their biggest fraternity is Singa Phi Nothing

1. There’s only one ‘L’ in ‘COLEGE’
 

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10. “Hope you like tofu burgers!”

9. “That’s not mayonnaise; you’re standing under a tree.”

8. “Is my hot dog supposed to have an engagement ring on it?”

7. “Which is the burger and which is the charcoal?”

6. “Call 911! Call 911!”

5. “Everything on the grill still has a tail on it!”

4. “Wish somebody had told me this BBQ was BYO!”

3. “Who chugged all the lighter fluid?”

2. “I think Grandma lost her dentures in the potato salad again.”

1. “Is coleslaw supposed to move?”
 

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10. Project Nunway

9. Who Wants to Be a Dental Hygienist?

8. Ferret Whisperer

7. America’s Next Top Ramen

6. Waterboard Confessions

5. So You Think You Can Crochet

4. Real Housewives of Tehran

3. Bagpiping with the Stars

2. Are You Smarter Than A Congressman?

1. Jersey Shore
 

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10. During the Seventh Inning Stretch, you pull a hamstring

9. You try running around the bases on your Rascal Scooter

8. You originally played for the Cincinnati Red Stockings

7. You have an 8×10 of Betty White hanging in your locker

6. When you buy steroids, you pull out your AARP card and ask for a discount

5. During a press conference, when asked if you wear boxers or briefs, you reply, “Depends.”

4. While you’re running from second to third, you stop for directions

3. When you slide into home, you dislocate your hip

2. You were ultimately exonerated in the Black Sox scandal

1. Your cry of “I slid into second, and I can’t get up!”
 

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10. You mentally divide your summer into two parts: pre and post weed wacker incident

9. You’re Tom Cruise

8. The B&B you’re staying at evidently stands for ‘bed’ and ‘bugs’

7. What everyone else thinks is a sunburn is actually a rash

6. The cruise director shows you to your bench and oar

5. That giant mouse you saw wasn’t at Disneyland

4. You have to crawl under barbed wire to get to the beach

3. All the resort staff members are wearing yellow biohazard suits

2. The only summer job you could find was as Chris Christie’s lotion boy

1. Your eyebrows haven’t grown back since the Fourth of July
 

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10. Art Garfunkel

9. John Oates

8. Robin

7. Andrew Ridgely

6. Sonny Bono

5. Bud Abbott

4. Jim Messina

3. The Captain

2. DJ Jazzy Jeff

1. The Pips
 

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10. Racketeering

9. Uphill speed skiing

8. Ventriloquist yodeling

7. Backpedaling

6. Driveby shooting

5. Bottomless water polo

4. Scrabble

3. Synchronized pole vaulting

2. Easter Egg hunting

1. Javelin catch
 

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10. “It’s so hot, Gitmo detainees are waterboarding themselves.”

9. “It’s so hot, cows are giving evaporated milk.”

8. “It’s so hot, Lindsay Lohan just tested positive for Slurpees.”

7. “It’s so hot, I saw a squirrel forced to handle his nuts with tongs.”

6. “It’s so hot, fish are sweating.”

5. “It’s so hot, the last guy who asked me ‘Hot enough for ya?’ I was compelled to beat to death with a sockful of nickels.”

4. “It’s so hot, my oral and rectal thermometers just exploded.”

3. “It’s so hot, when the Romneys drive to Canada this year, Mitt called first dibs on the roof!”

2. “It’s so hot, the Tanning Mom just burst into flames!”

1. “It’s so hot, today I fried an egg…at room temperature.”
 

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10. Instead of springing for expensive airline tickets, just pack your bags and then ask a friend to lose them for you

9. Can’t afford a trip around the world? Try the International House of Pancakes!

8. Find a movie theater showing 3-D travelogues

7. Convince your kids it’s originally pronounced ‘spraycation’ – then get out the garden hose for a week of fun!

6. No need to spring for a pricey ski lodge! Just turn the thermostat to sixty, have a loved one hit you in the knee with a hammer, then drink some cocoa!

5. Eat baked beans before getting into the bathtub and – voila! – you’ve got your own Jacuzzi!

4. Convince your kids that basic training is kind of like summer camp

3. Find a hotel where kids stay free, then dress everybody like 10-year-olds

2. Why not try a Mitt-cation? Have someone strap you to the roof of their car

1. Hang out with the Tanning Mom and you’ll always feel like you’re at the beach!
 

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10. Sin Dependence Day

9. Drop Your Pants and Fire a Rocket!

8. Forming a More Perfect Union

7. Give Me Librium or Give Me Meth!

6. My Cunty ’Tis of Thee

5. Time for Some Fireworks!

4. There’s a Barbecue in My Pants

3. The Fourth of Julie

2. The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!

1. Yank My Doodle! It’s A Dandy!
 

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10. Mitt Romney’s joke writer

9. Gay wedding planner in North Carolina

8. Amish air conditioner repairman

7. Bulletproof vest tester

6. Mall Santa

5. Public pool pee monitor

4. J.P. Morgan’s Chief Investment Officer

3. Secret Service prostitute

2. Chris Christie’s lotion boy

1. Underwear bomber
 

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10. MITT! – Let’s Go Back to the Policies that Put Us in the Toilet in the First Place!

9. “Vote for Me – or You’re Fired!”

8. He’ll Strap Our Economy to the Roof of His Car!

7. Romney: The Stormin’ Mormon!

6. He’s just like you: His valet puts his pants on one leg at a time!

5. He Believes in America! (& the Caymans!)

4. The Only Candidate in Magic Underwear!

3. More Flip-Flops than a Hermosa Beach Shoe Store

2. Mitt Happens!

1. ROMNEY! – Drop the first letter, and switch the next two!

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10. Their affectionate name for you is ‘Meal Ticket’

9. Instead of jumping on the bed to wake you, they use IEDs

8. Before every barbecue, they fill the grill to the brim with lighter fluid

7. They gave you a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug, but they crossed out ‘Greatest’ and wrote in ‘Dumbest’

6. They bought Mom The Big Book of Divorce Attorneys

5. On Father–Son Day at their school, they brought in a street wino

4. They keep claiming that the circular saw they bought you is “shower safe”

3. They’re always asking Mom, “What were you thinking?!”

2. Last Father’s Day, they gave you a Do-It-Yourself Vasectomy Kit

1. They replaced all your Lipitor with Tic Tacs
 

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10. Trying to cash in on jukebox musicals like Mamma Mia and Rock of Ages, your new musical is called Menudo

9. No elementary-school-level play has ever won the top prize before

8. It’s called You’re a Good Man, Charlie Sheen

7. All the dialogue was translated into Lithuanian, because it lost something in the original

6. The marquee reads “Johnny Knoxville is Willie Loman”

5. Your idea for an ‘all mime’ production of My Dinner with Andre never really worked

4. When the premiere ended, the audience shouted “Author! Author!” while boiling tar and stirring in feathers

3. Your play is the first pro-Catholic pornographic musical – and they’ve already honored The Book of Mormon

2. The Tony Awards Management Committee has a photo of you on its wall with a bull’s-eye drawn on it

1. You unwisely named your production Theater Closed for Renovations
 

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10. Moon Over Newark

9. Limo Rental or College Tuition?

8. Sorry I Knocked You Up

7. I’ve Had My Fill of Clearasil

6. Give ’Em Enough Grope

5. Not Even Burger King Is Hiring

4. Abstinence Makes the Fond Grow Harder

3. How to Fake an I.D.

2. STD-palooza!

1. Journey to the Center of My Pants
 

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10. Your guidance counselor gave you a booklet on how to operate a fryolator

9. In History Class, you identified Roe v. Wade as “Two ways to cross a stream”

8. On the true/false test, you answered every question “C”

7. In your high school yearbook, you were voted ‘Most Likely to Appear in Next Year’s Yearbook”

6. Nobody believes the dead hooker in your locker was planted there by the Secret Service

5. Every paper you handed in was limited to 140 characters

4. During your Computer Science final, you were caught Googling yourself

3. The last time you picked up a book, before you finished it you ran out of crayons

2. You’ve been in the tenth grade since the first Bush Administration

1. You were caught cheating – with the principal’s wife
 

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10. You have more empty takeout containers than P.F. Chang’s

9. You’ve lost three pets to indoor avalanches

8. Your refrigerator mold and your oven mold are caught in a life-and-death struggle

7. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come inside

6. You check to make sure cheese isn’t supposed to fizzle

5. Your bathroom has hot and cold running roaches

4. When you accidentally moved your Christmas tree, you finally found out where Gramps has been all this time

3. The odor has that certain ‘skunk-in-an-outhouse-getting-a-perm’ mystique

2. Your “bean bag chair” is made of accumulated lint

1. Your “dust bunnies” are actually breeding
 

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10. His last name, which is so much fun to Google

9. His views on reproductive rights and pornography, making him unappealing to both women and men

8. The fact that he has evidently fantasized about man-on-dog action

7. Lines like “You are black by the color of your skin. You are not homosexual, necessarily, by the color of your skin”

6. The innocent deer-in-the-headlights look in his eyes whenever he talks about Evolution or Global Warming

5. His being one of the greatest thinkers of the Eighteenth Century

4. His holier-than-thou smirky little fuckface

3. My having invested all my discretionary funds in a company that makes sweater vests

2. The fact that, while Romney may be batshit crazy, Santorum leaves him in the dust

1. How he’s just so gay!
 

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