Entries Tagged as 'Bob Sullivan’s top ten everything'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten signs your new year is off to a bad start

10. Your New Year’s kiss left smudge marks on the television screen

9. Your co-workers posted on YouTube the video of you at the office Christmas party, Xeroxing your butt

8. You started the new year with ten fingers and ten toes – now, not so many

7. You’re the photographer who videotaped Hef’s wedding night, and you can’t stop shuddering

6. Your wife’s resolution was to give up you

5. Because you didn’t win the Heisman Trophy, your imaginary dead girlfriend has decided to dump you

4. You’re Honey Boo Boo’s grade school teacher

3. You’re just waking up from your 2011 New Year’s Eve party

2. Your first name is ‘Lance’ or ‘Mitt’, or your last name is ‘Petraeus’

1. Someone had to Heimlich you in order to retrieve your cat
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten excuses of Gerald Streator of Waukesha, Wisconsin, who was arrested for having sex with a couch

10. “It was a love seat.”

9. “I figured it was safe sex. It was wearing a plastic slipcover.”

8. “My recliner at home recently left me.”

7. “Lots of people make love on a couch. I was just eliminating the middleman.”

6. “It was a convertible sofa, so it was just begging me to sleep with it!”

5. “It was a dead ringer for my last girlfriend.”

4. “Plenty of men fantasize about what I did. I mean, look at all the fan pages dedicated to Sofa Vergara!”

3. “Those cushions were just so plump and succulent, and it had the sexiest legs I’ve ever seen.”

2. “I consider myself the Sofa King, sofa king the couch just seemed natural.”

1. “You know what they say: In the couch spring, a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten Disneyland-Lucasfilm projects planned for the new year

10. When You Wish Upon A Death Star

9. Snow White and the Seven Ewoks

8. The Lightsaber in the Stone

7. No Deposit, No Return of the Jedi

6. Raiders of the Lost Duck

5. The Princess Leia Diaries

4. Atlantis: The Lost Empire Strikes Back

3. Song of the Sith

2. Randy Quaid in The Wookiee

1. Dumb and Dumber starring Goofy and Jar Jar Binks
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmusic

Top ten names of rock bands, just before they picked their current names

10. Silver Beatles

9. The Strolling Roans

8. Guns and Bayonets

7. The Windows

6. Little Head Todd and the Monsters

5. The What

4. Motley Crew

3. Flaming Eyeballs

2. U1

1. Ezra
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten signs your film won’t be nominated for an Academy Award

10. It’s called The Life of Pie, starring Chris Christie

9. Tyler Perry’s in it, but he’s not wearing a dress

8. The title contains either the words ‘John’ or ‘Carter’

7. The opening and the closing credits meet in the middle

6. It was filmed in 1D

5. The jury at Cannes found you “Guilty as charged”

4. It’s based on a board game

3. Like last year’s winner, The Artist, it’s a silent film — but that’s due to a technical error

2. Adam Sandler is at his zaniest

1. Roger Ebert gave it two thumbs down and a middle finger up
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

My top ten new year’s resolutions

10. I resolve never again to smash into somebody’s car just to knock the cell phone out of their hand

9. I resolve to eat my weight in penuchi

8. I resolve to finally find Waldo

7. I resolve to not blame the dog when I fart

6. I resolve to finally give up trying to lose weight, and instead will grow six inches taller

5. I resolve to e-mail back that nice Nigerian prince who keeps trying to contact me

4. I resolve not sit at the computer all day (I’m writing this standing up)

3. I resolve to only eat white snow

2. I resolve to keep all my resolutions to myself this year

1. I resolve to be more resolute with all my resolutions!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten Christmasy double-entendres

10. Stuffing the stocking

9. Unwrapping your presents

8. Trimming the tree

7. Roasting your chestnuts

6. Making eggnog

5. Putting the bird in the oven

4. Choosing either breast or leg

3. Pulling your cracker

2. Donning your gay apparel

1. Coming down the chimney
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten least popular mall stores

10. Bed, Bath and Bewildered

9. Amy’s Wine House

8. Abercrombie & Bitch

7. Crooks Brothers

6. Banana Dictatorship

5. FU’s Wholesale Club

4. Vasectomy Pagoda

3. J.Screw

2. Chick-fil-A-hole

1. Petraeus’s Secret

 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten suggested wedding gifts for Hugh Hefner’s and Crystal Harris’s New Year’s Eve wedding

10. A Rascal scooter with a “Just Married” sign and tin cans tied to the back

9. An extremely rare collection of old naked TSA photos

8. A subscription to Penthouse

7. A defibrillator

6. A copy of Kama Sutra for the Infirm

5. An adult-diaper-ready tux

4. A Viagra Pez dispenser (with a different head on it)

3. A honeymoon bed with handrails

2. A Playboy calendar with only May and December in it

1. Laminated copies of the two-document agreement they finally struck: her signature on a pre-nup, and his on a ‘do not resus’
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten things Mitt Romney is doing these days

10. Driving to Burger King so he can wear that cardboard crown for awhile

9. Making plans for a Caribbean vacation to visit his money

8. Lying to Ann, Taggart, Matthew, Joshua, Benjamin, and Craig, just to keep in practice

7. Playing Monopoly

6. Trying to coax his dog out from under the bed for the family’s annual car trip

5. Blaming the world’s ills on the “takers” who “want stuff,” like food and housing

4. Participating in homoerotic wrestling matches with Paul Ryan

3. E-mailing the Republican National Committee that, if their strategy is to find someone for 2016 who is the 180-degree polar opposite of Romney, he could fill the bill, no problem!

2. Hand washing the skid marks out of his magic underwear

1. Thanking his lucky stars he didn’t win the Presidency, because he really didn’t want to have to move into a smaller house
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten signs you ate too much on Thanksgiving

10. When people first meet you they say, “Lemme guess…Sumo wrestler?”

9. The super in your building just changed the sign in the elevator to read “Maximum Occupancy: 1”

8. When you get on a plane from New York to Los Angeles, it has to taxi the whole way

7. A policeman came up to you and ordered you to disperse

6. Both Ben and Jerry have friended you on Facebook

5. You just caught the flesh eating bacteria, and were given 93 years to live

4. Just like one of those turkey thermometers so you can tell when it’s done, your belly button just popped out

3. Everyone in New Jersey keeps calling you “Governor”

2. You had to sell your laptop because you no longer have a lap

1. You got winded just reading this Top Ten List
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten things you don’t want to hear on Thanksgiving

10. “Try it! It tastes as good as the real thing but it’s much healthier!”

9. “It always takes me a full year to forget how much I loathe each and every one of you.”

8. “How’d I get the turkey so golden brown? Don’t tell anybody, but my little secret weapon is shellac.”

7. “This year I couldn’t afford mince or pumpkin pie, so I went with moon.”

6. “You’re right, it’s not the best looking turkey. So what part do you want, bone or gristle?”

5. “What am I thankful for? That nobody’s discovered the body yet.”

4. “When I made the turducken, I got the duck and the chicken right, but I misunderstood the turd part.”

3. “Run for your lives! Runaway electric carving knife!”

2. “The cable’s screwed up. All we can get is the Oprah Network.”

1. “9-1-1? How do you get someone out of a tryptophan-induced coma?”
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten upcoming David Blaine stunts

10. Being entombed for a week in a giant plastic coffin filled with lime Jello

9. Extricating himself from a pair of extra-tight skinny jeans

8. Being continually electrocuted by people rubbing their feet on shag carpeting

7. Eating a pound of cut-rate sushi, then riding a Tilt-A-Whirl for 10 hours

6. Being encased in a truckload of frozen Snicker bars

5. Surviving for 48 hour without food or water hanging above a downtown New York street, suspended only by his pubic hair

4. Breaking the Guinness World Record of “Most Successive Publicity Stunts”

3. Holding his breath until he literally turns blue

2. Levitating his pants

1. Watching every Adam Sandler movie ever made, without a break or taking any drugs
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten reasons to vote for Obama tomorrow

10. Once he doesn’t have to worry about getting re-elected anymore, he can cut loose

9. If you’re proud about electing the first Black President, limiting him to one term will imply he was a failure: “Let’s not do that again!”

8. His opponent’s claim of job experience involved vile business practices that bankrupted companies and put people out of work. Plus every businessman who has been President (Hoover, Carter, Bush II) has wrecked the economy, because they try to rule from the top down (like in a kingdom) where a consensus is needed (where being something like a community organizer comes in handy). Romney’s an entitled bully who likes to hold down gay guys and cut their hair. And he’s also a pathological liar who will say anything to get elected, so if you believe him, you’re a sucker

7. Under Obama, we’ve had 22 consecutive months of private-sector job growth, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average has surged 60%

6. Obama is not part of the War on Women. And if you’re a woman who says, “Well, the recession is more important to me right now than women’s issues,” trickle down and spending cuts have only ever worsened a recession. Plus you shouldn’t reward Republican Congressmen’s cynical thwarting of Obama’s stimulus plans stemming from their belief that defeating Obama is more important than helping the American people.

5. One gets the feeling Obama loves people and uses money; Romney has proven beyond any doubt he loves money and uses people

4. If you decide not to vote because you think Obama has it in the bag, Romney might steal the election through all those voter suppression scams

3. Obama got bin Laden

2. He passed Health Care Reform, the Stimulus, Wall Street Reform, and credit card reforms; recapitalized banks; repealed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”; saved the car industry; and vastly improved America’s image abroad

1. Einstein defined ‘insanity’ as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” If you think Romney’s economic plans, which are the same as Bush’s were, will help the economy, you’re certifiable
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingrecipes & food

Top ten least popular Halloween candies

10. Feces’ Pieces

9. Bit-O-Honey Boo Boo

8. Boston Baked Garbanzo Beans

7. Mice Krispie Treats

6. Smelly Belly

5. Almond Soy

4. Dixie Chicks Pixy Stix

3. I Can’t Believe They’re Not Raisinets

2. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg

1. Dingleberry Crunch
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten little-known facts about Mitt Romney

10. ‘Mitt’ is short for ‘Mitigate’

9. He has less charisma than Clint Eastwood’s chair

8. On vacation, he likes to visit his money in the Caymans

7. He’d gladly show you his tax returns – when you pry them from his cold dead fingers

6. His nickname for his dog is ‘Luggage’

5. He has a three-prong strategy for winning the election: lie (look at the Republican convention), buy (the Koch brothers have $50 billion), and cheat (voter I.D., etc.)

4. He’s somewhat smarter than your average marmoset

3. He doesn’t have a birth certificate to show; instead he has a warranty

2. He not only wears magic underwear, but a matching magic bra

1. If elected, he plans to fire everybody, flip the country, and move to Sweden
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten least popular new television shows

10. America’s Funniest Postcards

9. Law and Order: CSI: NCIS:

8. 48 Hour History

7. So You Think You Can Play Pachinko

6. How I Met Your Accountant

5. America’s Next Top Heavy

4. The Sitcom with No Gay Characters

3. The X Chromosome

2. Dancing with the Has-Beens

1. Innocence of Muslims
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten things Christopher Columbus would say if he were alive today

10. “Is Joan Rivers still around? We dated in high school.”

9. “Yes the voyage was long and arduous – kind of like Jet Blue with legroom.”

8. “If I knew it was going to lead to Jersey Shore, I would have stayed in Spain.”

7. “Did anybody ever find the East Indies?”

6. “How would I get to the city called ‘Me, Ohio’?”

5. “We had a ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on the Santa Maria, as well.”

4. “Where can I get my hands on that iPhone 5?”

3. “My God! All you Indians have gotten so fat!

2. “I’m 561 years old. Shouldn’t somebody be calling the Guinness people?”

1. “Why do Republicans keep asking me why I didn’t fall off the edge?”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingscience

Top ten inventions I’m waiting for

10. An alarm clock with a 12-hour snooze alarm

9. An artificial sincerity pill

8. A pair of socks that signal each other when one gets lost in the dryer

7. A looser straight jacket

6. A cell phone that blocks the signals of all other cell phones in the room, for when I go to the movies

5. A television with a built-in Adam Sandler filter

4. A negative-calorie cookie

3. A mechanical Mitt Romney (but then, how would you tell the difference?)

2. Self-cleaning underwear

1. The bus (please re-read title)
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinggames

Top ten anagrams

10. DORMITORY = DIRTY ROOM

9. THE MORSE CODE = HERE COME DOTS

8. ELEVEN PLUS TWO = TWELVE PLUS ONE

7. DEBIT CARD = BAD CREDIT

6. THE EYES = THEY SEE

5. ASTRONOMERS = NO MORE STARS

4. CLINT EASTWOOD = OLD WEST ACTION

3. ANN COULTER = A LONER CUNT

2. WILLARD ROMNEY = DRILL RAW MONEY

1. KATE MIDDLETON = NAKED TIT MODEL
 

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