10. Law & Order: Jaywalking Unit
9. Two and a Half Laughs
8. How I Met Your Father: Woody Allen/Frank Sinatra Edition
7. The Old and the Toothless
6. Justified: How I Prefer My Paragraphs
5. America’s Funniest Tweets
4. Dancing with the Has-Beens
3. Breaking Wind
2. Once Upon a Time in Newark, New Jersey
1. So You Think You Can Twerk
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Bupkiss
9. Goose egg
8. Jack squat
7. Zippo
6. Nada
5. Sweet Fanny Adams
4. Naught
3. Jack shit
2. Diddly-Squat
1. Fuckall
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “That toaster was way hot!”
9. “The instructions only cautioned against sticking in knives and forks.”
8. “I heard it gave really good bread!”
7. “The toaster was asking for it. She looked like a real slot!”
6. “I was wearing a condom, so I wasn’t worried about getting KitchenAids.”
5. “I thought it would be safer than using the microwave.”
4. “When I got home from the bar, I was really toasted!”
3. “I was just trying to brown my Panini.”
2. “I heard somewhere that ‘They plump when you cook ’em’.”
1. “I was trying to make my juicer jealous.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Department of the Exterior
9. Environmental Protection Racket
8. Office of Government Ethics
7. Customs and Border Collies
6. Department of Veterans Extramarital Affairs
5. John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Seals
4. Radio Free Credit Report
3. Federal Shutting-Down Administration
2. The U.S. Congress
1. The Twerks Progress Administration
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Have you accepted Jesus into your life?”
9. “I’m kinda contagious, so it’d be best if you keep ten feet away.”
8. “I’m majoring in Whole Beef Butchering, so my homework might get a little messy.”
7. “Wanna see my Anthony Weiner impression?”
6. “No matter what you hear, don’t open that closet!”
5. “Who do you think is the cutest hunk in One Direction?”
4. “Seriously, my Silent-But-Deadlies have been known to peel paint off the walls.”
3. “I have a tendency to walk in my sleep and do this ‘stabby’ thing.”
2. “Do you want to be on the top or the bottom – and no, we don’t have bunk beds.”
1. “You got a real purdy mouth.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Advanced Keg Tapping
9. How to Make a Sock Puppet
8. Top Five Best-Selling CliffsNotes
7. Addition
6. Your Ass versus A Hole in the Ground – Comparing and Contrasting
5. Bong Maintenance
4. How Best to Invest Your Under-the-Table Money
3. Book Coloring
2. Candy Crush for Beginners
1. Team Mascots: Are Their Heads Really That Big?
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Run for Your Lives!!!!
9. Magnum Farce
8. Don’t Fire Until You See…Nothing
7. Bang the Gun Slowly
6. The Blind Sidearm
5. Is That a Gun In Your Pocket, or Are You Glad to Hear Me?
4. 20/400 .45
3. Deadeye
2. Random Acts of Blindness
1. A Shot in the Dark
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The photo on the cover of the college catalogue was once Tweeted by Anthony Weiner
9. The school sells degrees on the Internet for $49.95 (plus shipping and handling)
8. The only books in the library are by James Patterson
7. Your admissions test was drawing a pirate and a turtle
6. ABC’s “The Lookout” has cameras all over campus
5. The football coach is Jerry Sandusky’s brother
4. Your grade is based on tipping the professor
3. The school mascot is Sammy the Slug
2. The much-ballyhooed “sports complex” is actually just a tire swing and some croquet hoops
1. Last year’s commencement speaker was Honey Boo Boo’s mother
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Bingo caller
9. Mansion sitter
8. French fry salesman outside Chris Christie’s house
7. Spa reviewer
6. Adam Sandler’s acting coach
5. Utah bartender
4. Cheese shop toilet repairman
3. Whatever the hell it is Vanna White does
2. Wading pool lifeguard
1. Anthony Weiner’s acceptance speech writer
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Anthony Weiner for Jockey Underwear
9. Gary Busey for H&R Block
8. Justin Bieber for Alberto VO5
7. Rick Perry for the ‘For Dummies’ Book Series
6. Rush Limbaugh for OxyContin Tablets
5. Vin Diesel for Hair Cuttery
4. Charlie Sheen for Self magazine
3. Monica Lewinski for BJ’s
2. John Wayne Bobbitt for Snap-on Tools
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger for Minute Maid
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You’ve lost so much blood from mosquito bites, they’ve stopped biting you
9. Your neighborhood swimming pool has banned you, because of your weak bladder
8. The B&B you’re staying at evidently stands for ‘bed’ and ‘bugs’
7. Due to hard-of-hearing travel agent, instead of Cancun you wound up in Kabul
6. You caught crabs at the beach – but not the edible kind
5. You have no idea who Carlos is, but you woke up with his name tattooed on your upper arm
4. Your hair hasn’t grown back since that Fourth of July incident
3. Because of too much sun, your face is redder than the Disney executive who greenlighted The Lone Ranger
2. The lemonade stand you frequent was just raided by the Board of Health
1. First name ‘Paula’, last name ‘Deen’
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Need a little help with your breaststroke?”
9. “You’re also supposed to wait half an hour after making love.”
8. “Okay if I practice my mouth-to-mouth?”
7. “Want to play with my ‘pool toy’?”
6. “Help! I’m drowning!…In your eyes!”
5. “This isn’t a nude beach, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”
4. “I’m caught in an undertow of love.”
3. “Your body is harder than my plastic CPR dummy.”
2. “The sign says ‘Lifeguard on Duty,” but I wish it said ‘Lifeguard on Cutie’.”
1. “Look out there on the water, it’s just like us: buoy meets gull.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “It’s so hot, Michael Bloomberg was spotted drinking a Big Gulp.”
9. “It’s so hot, the Statue of Liberty has pit stains.”
8. “It’s so hot, Richard Simmons just came out with Heat-Stroking to the Oldies.”
7. “It’s so hot, nuns are wearing Daisy Dukes.”
6. “It’s so hot, the fish are sweating.”
5. “It’s so hot, George Zimmerman says he kinda wishes he’d been thrown in the ‘cooler’.”
4. “It’s so hot, Martha Stewart has started dating both Ben and Jerry.”
3. “It’s so hot, Chris Christie is making his own gravy.”
2. “It’s so hot, today I fried an egg…at room temperature.”
1. “It’s so hot, Paula Deen attended an NAACP meeting just for the chilly reception.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Look, if people were willing to give me a second chance, why not a third?”
9. “I’m very proud of the staff I have under me.”
8. “I thought the name Carlos Danger would win me the Latino vote.”
7. “I’m an unrepentant horndog.”
6. “To prove I’m a good Democrat, I wanted to demonstrate that I lean a bit to the left.”
5. “The first time, my wife forgave me, and that wasn’t my plan.”
4. “I got confused about the term ‘junk mail’.”
3. “I had some new camera angles I wanted to try out.”
2. “I thought I could get some acting work, playing Carlos Danger on one of Telemundo’s telenovelas.”
1. “I wanted to show that, no matter how hard things get, I’m willing to stick it out.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Every time you lie on the beach, concerned citizens try to push you back into the water
9. Due to your busy schedule as governor, you only had your lap-band surgery last February
8. When asked to name your favorite health drink, you reply, “Maple syrup.”
7. Whenever you leave the beach, everybody shouts, “The coast is clear!”
6. Policemen keep coming up to you and ordering you to disperse
5. The last time you went to the beach, you were the only one who got a tan
4. Your swimsuit uses more material than a Ringling Brothers tent
3. In your building, they’ve changed the elevator’s maximum occupancy to one
2. Your nickname at work is ‘Are You Gonna Finish That?’
1. People don’t want you anywhere near the beach, because you always affect the tides
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Edward Snowden’s travel agent
9. Print journalist
8. Door-to-door Furby salesman
7. NBC advertising salesman
6. Donald Trump’s ego wrangler
5. Amish refrigerator repairman
4. Public pool pee monitor
3. Chris Christie’s lotion boy
2. Mall Santa
1. Paula Deen’s image consultant
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Where I grew up, we always believed in calling a spade a spade.”
9. “I was misheard; I was actually talking about chigger bites.”
8. “I suffer from foot-in-mouth disease.”
7. “I thought it stood for ‘Needing Inalienable God-Given Equal Rights’.”
6. “All that butter has clogged up my brain.”
5. “My pal George Zimmerman said it was okay.”
4. “I’m a Southern racist cracker — what did you expect?”
3. “I spell out everything in my new autobiography White Like Me.”
2. “I just wasn’t thinking…about all the endorsement deals I’d lose.”
1. “I was hoping to get my own show on Fox News.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Nobody told me this BBQ was BYO!”
9. “No dessert today; Twinkies won’t be back on the shelf until the fifteenth.”
7. “Who drank all the lighter fluid?”
6. “That’s not mayonnaise; you’re standing under a tree.”
5. “Why does my hot dog have an engagement ring on it?”
4. “I think Gramps lost his hearing aid in the coleslaw again.”
3. “Hope you like tofu burgers!”
2. “Let me tell you all about Joseph Smith and his amazing revelations.”
1. “I knew it was a bad idea to leave the fireworks in the trunk on a day this hot!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Mason Reese
9. Balloon Boy
8. Roberto Benigni
7. Kato Kaelin
6. Yahoo Serious
5. Yakov Smirnoff
4. Pia Zadora
3. Manti Te’o’s girlfriend
2. Baby Jane
1. Due process
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Watching Celebrity Bingo and Taxicab Confessions
9. Standing in a phone booth and pretending he’s still in the Popemobile
8. Resisting the temptation to write a tell-all book
7. Having second thoughts about this whole ‘celibacy’ thing
6. Sweatin’ to the oldies
5. Spending more time with the wife and kids
4. Going to nightclubs and throwing holy water on demon girls with short skirts
3. Swooning over Justin Bieber
2. Sorting his hats by height
1. Trying to buy things online, to see if he still has PayPal Infallibility
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
