10. “Look at some of those necklines! I just hope Jonah Hill keeps his thing in his pants.”

9. “Streep’s up for Best Actress? How odd!”

8. “Well, obviously the fix is in. Not a single nomination for Grown-Ups 2.”

7. “Tyler Perry should be up for Best Actor and Best Actress.”

6. “Who’s that gay blond white dude hostin’ this thing?”

5. “I hear George Clooney and Sandra Bullock are making another movie together – he’s a dentist, she’s his assistant – called Cavity.”

4. “I only hope I live long enough to see them include me in that In Memoriam segment.”

3. “There have been so many extraordinary performances – Darlene Love, Pink, U2, Bette Midler, Idina Menzel – I’m getting tired of standing for all the standing ovations!”

2. “Explain to me again why Sharknado isn’t up for anything?”

1. “This is getting so boring. I just wish Jonah Hill would take his thing out of his pants.”
 

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10. It stars Meryl Streep, but not the famous one

9. It’s called Captain Phillips Milk of Magnesia

8. Adam Sandler has never been wackier

7. The world wasn’t ready for an all-gerbil version of Death of a Salesman

6. It’s rated ‘R’ for ‘Ridiculous’

5. The iPod Nano product placements detract from the prehistoric setting

4. The title contains the words “Lone” or “Ranger”

3. It stars Chris Christie in a remake of A Bridge Too Far

2. There’s no category called ‘Biggest Asshole’

1. Roger Ebert returned from Heaven just so he could give it two thumbs down
 

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10. “That’s the gayest opening ceremony I’ve ever seen!”

9. “I guess they’ll be taking Shaun White’s picture off all those gum packages now.”

8. “Man, the drinking water’s the same color, whether it’s going in or out of my body.”

7. “That woman curler gives great broom!”

6. “I said I’m a ‘biathlete’, not a ‘bi athlete’!”

5. “I haven’t seen this much slush since that explosion at the Icee factory.”

4. “Do you have a door knob on your side?!!”

3. “I just borrowed that guy’s ChapStick, then realized it was Bob Costas.”

2. “Why would President Putin ask me to oil up his bare chest?”

1. “Is that a microphone?”
 

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10. I pray your Valentine’s Day is the best.

9. I know mine will be, if I am with you.

8. Since first we met, I know that I’ve been blessed!

7. And all the Love I felt then only grew

6. Up through today, when it is all-consuming!

5. So great, I sense that we are on the verge

4. Of something “wholly new” suddenly blooming!

3. As we two merge in an electric surge!

2. We’ll fire up, and burst on through the roof!

1. And as for Heaven, we’ll be living proof!
 

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10. Labradoodle

9. Snickerdoodle

8. Belgian Airehead

7. Kickapoo

6. Chechen Rebel

5. Lhasa Shih Tzu

4. Mexican Hairy

3. Jack Russell Crowe

2. Boston Blackie

1. Chihuahua Mastiff
 
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10. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Doubles Luge

9. Snowplowing

8. Synchronized Curling

7. Bottomless Ski Jump

6. Icicle Toss

5. Chechen Rebelling

4. Nordic Hot Tub

3. Ice Hockey Free-For-All

2. Uphill Speed Skiing

1. Gay Bashing
 
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10. Silver Beatles

9. The Strolling Roans

8. Guns and Ammo

7. The Windows

6. Little Head Todd and the Monsters

5. The What

4. Motley Crew

3. The Flaming Eyeballs

2. U1

1. Ezra
 

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10. “It was a traffic study: We were studying how far you could push a Jersey guy, already stuck in traffic for eight hours, before he starts punchin’ headlights!”

9. “I figured if thousands of commuters were stranded in Fort Lee, it had to be great for the local economy!”

8. “Would you believe: ‘I don’t remember, I was in a drunken stupor’?”

7. “I had to get back at that prick Mayor Sokolich somehow, and we don’t stick horses’ heads in people’s beds anymo…I mean…ever.

6. “Last year, my wife Mary Pat asked me to make arrangements to move our weekly bridge game from Monday September Ninth to Friday the Thirteenth, and I’d had a couple drinks, and I may have dialed the office instead, and then gotten totally confused!”

5. “My ‘appointees’ were just tryin’ to impress me –- tryin’ to guess what I’d do –- so they brought everything goin’ outta Fort Lee to a halt for a week, it was huge news from Day One, and I’m Governor and I don’t hear about it for a friggin’ week?!… Yep, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.”

4. “I was just fulfilling my campaign promise to do everything in my power to keep jobs from from leavin’ Jersey.”

3. “The George Washington Bridge is the world’s busiest motor vehicle bridge –- it needed a rest!!!!!!!”

2. “I thought I could get away with it.”

1. “I still think that.”
 

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10. It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge freezer to heat the house

9. It’s so cold, the National Aquarium in Baltimore just realized it no longer needed all that glass

8. It’s so cold, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford spent all last night trying to snort a snowbank

7. It’s so cold, you have trouble jump-starting your penguin

6. It’s so cold, Grandma’s teeth won’t stop chattering – and they’re still in the glass

5. It’s so cold, when police tell a robber to freeze, it’s redundant

4. It’s so cold, it’s almost as cold as a Koch Brother’s heart — assuming they had one between them

3. It’s so cold, you had to scrape the window on your microwave

2. It’s so cold, we made ice cream at room temperature

1. It’s so cold, a guy would want to hold onto a witch’s tit just for the warmth!

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10. I will never again smash into somebody’s car just to knock the cell phone out of their hand.

9. I promise to lose weight – or at least stay the same.

8. I will use less deodorant and do more laundry.

7. I won’t tug on Superman’s cape.

6. I won’t spit into the wind.

5. I won’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.

4. I won’t mess around with Jim.

3. Never again will I take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. I swear, this year, to keep all my resolutions secret!

1. No more late-night carousing with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford,
and no more all-you-can-eat buffets with Chris Christie.
 

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10. Time is the stuff that keeps everything from happening at once.

9. Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

8. I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

7. All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

6. Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of

5. The best things in life aren’t things.

4. It’s never too early to start beefing up your obituary.

3. Don’t sweat the petty stuff. Just pet the sweaty stuff.

2. (for anyone in a relationship) Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?

1. Time is an illusion, brought to you by the manufacturers of Space.
 

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10. America’s Funniest Home Nutcracker Videos

9. Chris Christie’s Twelve Days of Christmas Dinners

8. The Seven Dwarfs in Whistle While You Twerk

7. University of California Davis Policeman’s Now We Spray Our Pepper Gayly

6. It’s A Wonderful Life for the One Percent

5. Rob Ford’s Santa’s Comin’ at the Crack of Dawn!

4. A Charlie Brownstein Hanukkah

3. Frostie the Puddle’s Global-Warming Denier’s Special

2. Al Jazeera’s Christmas Hoax

1. America’s Funniest Christmas Tree Fires
 
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10. Gasp! – The Saran Wrap Game

9. Mr. Wizard’s Home Lobotomy Kit

8. Miss Piggy’s Swine Flu Self-Inoculator

7. Little Miss Twerker

6. Easy Bake Microwave

5. Balloon Boy’s Self-Launch Kit

4. Hospital Waste Grab Bag

3. Fisher-Price Choking Hazard

2. Jihad! – The Self-Detonation Game

1. Baby’s First Nail Gun

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10. Green Elves and Ham

9. The Cat In the Santa Hat

8. Reindeer Slop On Pop

7. One Fish Two Fish Dead Fish Stew Fish

6. Mary Yertle Gets Fertile

5. The Fox In Socks In Your Christmas Box

4. And To Think That I Saw It On Bethlehem Street

3. Horton Hears a ‘Ho!’ (…‘Ho! Ho!’)

2. The Butterball Battle Book

1. How The Grinch Stole My Identity and Maxed Out My Credit Cards
 

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10. You just woke up from your tryptophan coma

9. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy came out

8. You had so many helpings of mashed potatoes, you set off another famine in Ireland

7. Everyone in Jersey keeps calling you “Governor”

6. All your pets are missing

5. Both Ben and Jerry have friended you on Facebook

4. The Republicans are trying to shut down your mouth

3. You needed the Jaws of Life to get out of your Barcalounger

2. In the movie Gravity, you are clearly visible sitting in your backyard

1. You tried twerking, and set off an earthquake in Guatemala
 

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10. “Let’s say you and I ‘bury the hatchet’.”

9. “This is my last chance. We’re shipping out tomorrow.”

8. “I must compliment you on your magnificent spread!”

7. “Care for a little dark meat?”

6. “Just because I am a Puritan does not mean that I am puritanical.”

5. “Indeed, I must unbutton my breeches, as they are on the verge of bursting.”

4. “If you’d just be a little more ‘giving’, I’d certainly extend my ‘thanks’.”

3. “Which dost thou prefer, a leg or a breast?”

2. “Thou art quite handy with thine bow and arrow. How wouldst thou like to place thy shaft into my quiver?”

1. “I doth ache to get mine Plymouth Rocks off.”
 

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10. Quarter Horse Pounder

9. Fury Slurry

8. Colt 45

7. Fetlocks and Bagels

6. Fricasseed Flicka

5. My Little Baloney

4. Stallions and Scallions

3. Thorough Bread

2. Sea Biscuits

1. Filly Cheesesteak
 

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10. Who Wants to be a Million Airedale

9. Teen Wolfhound

8. Bones

7. Lois & Bark

6. NYPD Poodle

5. K90210

4. Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23

3. L.A. Paw

2. Leave it to Retriever

1. Twin Pekingese
 

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10. Tried to re-set the clock on their VCR

9. Listened to Don McLean’s American Pie seven times

8. Got all their exercise out of the way for the rest of the year

7. Just sat back and thought about how much the Giants really suck

6. Watched The Best of Two and a Half Men 30 times

5. Tried to see who could say “Irish wristwatch” out loud ten times the fastest

4. Shared a bottle of Scotch, then played “Irish wristwatch” again

3. Made love to the wife, followed by a 55-minute nap

2. Played Candy Crush, and still couldn’t complete Level 197

1. Put on their Mr. Peabody mask and pretended they were in the Wayback Machine, going back one hour
 

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10. You’re winded, and you haven’t even reached the end of your own driveway yet

9. You accidentally took a Skittle instead of your statin medication

8. After every other house, you have to go home for a pee

7. People keep saying, “Great Betty White mask!” – and you’re not wearing one

6. You’re continually removing your dentures so you can scrape off the caramel

5. You can remember back to your first Halloween, when all the witches were burned

4. You’re continually knocking on your own front door

3. Instead of a candy bar, you ask if they have any adult diapers

2. When people open the door, instead of saying “Trick or treat,” you look confused, then start singing Good King Wenceslas

1. You keep seeing someone dressed up as the Grim Reaper – and you’re the only one who can see him
 

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