10. It’s so cold, this morning, the early bird catching the worm had gloves on.

9. It’s so cold, the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

8. It’s so cold, hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs.

7. It’s so cold, cab drivers are flipping people off with their mittens.

6. It’s so cold, people were contracting Ebola just for the fever.

5. It’s so cold, I chipped a tooth on some broth.

4. It’s so cold, if I had a stick up my butt, it’d be a popsicle.

3. It’s so cold, my aunt slipped on some ice and accidently keyed someone’s Mercedes…with her nipple!

2. It’s so cold, the Blue Man Group turned Caucasian-colored!

1. It’s so cold, Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick.
 

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10. You pricked your finger for a blood-sugar test, and cranberry sauce came out

9. You’ve pounded on so much poundage, in one of the shots of earth in the film Interstellar, you are clearly visible

8. It took two EMT guys and the Jaws of Life to get you out of your Barcalounger

7. They took a picture of you after the meal, and it’s still printing

6. Both Ben and Jerry have friended you on Facebook

5. You had so many smashed potatoes, you set off another famine in Ireland

4. You’ve gotten several inquiries from representatives of the Butterball Hall of Fame

3. You ate all the leftovers…before dessert

2. After the meal, you had to loosen the band on your wristwatch

1. When people see you from the rear, for some reason they keep calling you “Kim”
 

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10. “This turkey tastes really odd. What breed of turkey, exactly, is a ‘Tofu’?”

9. “And if I wanted to spend the day with my Indian brethren, why would I want to visit a gaming emporium?”

8. “Well, I think thine clothing looketh equally as bizarre!”

7. “And you can get advice on cooking your bird from yonder handheld talking machine?!”

6. “Big deal! So your ancestors came over on the Mayflower!”

5. “Let me get this straight: You commemorated the colony of Plymouth by naming a horseless carriage after it?”

4. “Jebediah, look! Their leader appears to be a Native American!”

3. “There is no need to struggle! Why do you not just share the wishbone?!”

2. “Celebrating Thanksgiving by having extra early Christmas sales! – Why did we not think of that?!”

1. “Hey! Let us out of these boxes! ’Tis dark in here, and dirt keeps comingeth through yon ceiling!”
 

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10. He was flying on Virgin Airlines, and he was one

9. The in-flight chicken was finger-lickin’ good, and one thing led to another

8. He was flying first class, and everybody knows they’re a bunch of wankers

7. His entertainment system wasn’t working, so he had to provide his own

6. His date for the Mile High Club missed the plane

5. Different strokes for different folks

4. None of the flight attendants was providing service, so he decided to take matters into his own hands

3. He couldn’t get the song California Here I Come out of his head

2. He was afraid of flying, and just wanted to get off

1. He misunderstood the pilot’s instructions about “an upright and locked position”
 

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10. Whippet cream

9. Collieflower

8. Puppyseed oil

7. Catwurst

6. Kennel cake

5. Springer rolls

4. Greyhound Poupon

3. Chicken poodle soup

2. Macaroni and Burmese

1. Spitz crackers
 

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10. Good & Sunni

9. Osmond Joy

8. Middlefinger

7. SweeFarts

6. Dixie Chicks Pixy Stix

5. Boston Baked Lentil Beans

4. Bit-O-Honey Boo Boo

3. Dingleberry Crunch

2. Kandi Kale

1. Ebola Granola
 

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10. They prefer the name “lycanthropes”

9. During a half moon, they become slightly hairy

8. They actually get along great with vampires

7. Favorite singer: Warren Zevon

6. Wolfsbane doesn’t work, but silver bullets do

5. Most of them vote Republican

4. Thought Jack Nicholson was a lot cooler than Lon Chaney, Jr. or Taylor Lautner

3. Wolfman Jack was a fraud

2. It’s very dangerous to moon them

1. Prefer the Schick Quattro to the Gillette Mach 3, but what they really need is a five-blade razor
 

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10. I’m not a big fan of shopping centers because, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.

9. I thought I’d found a mass grave for snowmen, but it turned out it was just a field of carrots.

8. I was so drunk last night that, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bar, I won the dance contest.

7. Prison walls are never built to scale.

6. My memory is so good, I can’t remember the last time I forgot something.

5. My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential, just before he pushed me off the roof.

4. After several karate lessons, I can now break a five-inch board with my cast.

3. I stayed up all last night, trying to remember if I had amnesia or insomnia.

2. Ebola has people so afraid of Liberians, they’ve completely stopped checking out books.

1. I’d have to say, looking over the past decade, this year would definitely be in my top ten.
 

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10. Dirt-Nap Helper

9. One Ticket to Paradise

8. Help Making It Across

7. Subterranean Horizontal Retirement Village

6. Motel Deep 6

5. AARP AARGH!!

4. Club Mud

3. One-Way Travel Arrangement

2. Stairway to Heaven

1. The Hokey Croaky
 

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10. Cooking with Lard

9. The Amazing Racist: Ferguson, Missouri

8. The Better Butter Batter Broadcast

7. Chunky Brewster

6. Intolerant Cruelty

5. The Lards of Fatbush

4. Calling a Spade a Spade

3. Waiting for Hefty

2. Tales from the Darky Side

1. Cooking with More Lard
 

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10. The only ‘action’ you got all summer was inadvertent, and on a crowded moving subway car

9. All your dreams of an early retirement only served to prove you can’t always trust a Nigerian prince

8. You’re the Commissioner of the National Football League

7. You got confused, and thought it was now perfectly legal to smoke recreational marijuana in Washington, the city

6. That giant mouse you saw wasn’t at Disneyland

5. The Mid-East hotel you stayed in had a lower Michelin rating than Abu Ghraib

4. You got in trouble because you were lying naked on your hotel bed when the maid walked in…finally!

3. Your sunburn was so red, cars stopped at you and waited for you to change

2. Your Carnival Cruise cruise made the news

1. At the company picnic, you really ticked off the boss by drinking too much beer and then peeing in the swimming pool — from the diving board
 

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10. Law and Order: SUV

9. Everybody Loves Ramen

8. Alimentary

7. America’s Funniest Home Pregnancy Tests

6. The Vampire Blogs

5. Justified: How I Prefer My Paragraphs

4. CSI: NCIS: NYPD: LMNOP

3. Survivor: Bayonne

2. Marvel’s Agents of B.O.R.E.D.

1. Sunday Night Football: Special Victims Unit
 

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10. The Wit and Wisdom of Rick Perry

9. Betamax Repair

8. Guesstimating

7. Pig Latin

6. Freakonomics

5. Dressage

4. (Double Major) Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

3. Competitive Eating

2. Hemorrhoid Transplantation

1. Creative Reading
 

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10. Touched by a Physicist

9. The 420 Club

8. Religulous – The Series

7. (Don’t) Believe

6. Hour of Sour

5. A Show About Nothingness

4. How I Met Your Silverback

3. The Fraud Squad

2. We’re A Non-Prophet Organization

1. Highway to Nowhere
 

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10. The Cat With The Gat

9. Duck Duck Goose…No Duck!!

8. Goodnight Forever, Moon

7. Charlie and the Munitions Factory

6. The Lion, the Witch, and the War Cannon

5. Where the Wild Things Were

4. Cloudy with a Chance of Shrapnel

3. One Fish Two Fish Dead Fish Stew Fish

2. Bazooka Joe

1. The Wizard of Uzi
 

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10. “It’s so hot, my tongue got a sunburn telling somebody how hot it was.”

9. “It’s so hot, Optimus Prime decided to transform into an air conditioner.”

8. “It’s so hot, I have a brand on my stomach shaped like a seat belt.”

7. “It’s so hot, Hillary Clinton has been semi-campaigning in her pantsuit…without the pants.”

6. “It’s so hot, Donald Sterling attended an NAACP meeting just for the chilly reception.”

5. “It’s so hot, this morning I saw a bum with a sign that read ‘Will Work For Shade’.”

4. “It’s so hot, I saw a fire hydrant chasing down a dog.”

3. “It’s so hot, squirrels are pouring Gatorade on their nuts.”

2. “It’s so hot, I set my house on fire, just to cool it off.”

1. “It’s so hot, in Colorado and Washington, joints are lighting themselves.”
 

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10. Wienerschnitzel

9. Chuck E. Sleaze’s

8. Red Throbbin’

7. Long Schlong Silver’s

6. Horny & Hardon

5. P. F. Wang’s

4. Dick-fil-A

3. Rock Hard Cafe

2. Jock full o’Nuts

1. Anthony’s Sex-Text Tex-Mex

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10. Check him into a VA hospital

9. Put him in a time machine, and let Joseph Gordon-Levitt deal with him at the other end

8. Give him an all-expenses-paid vacation to the Gaza Strip

7. Have Paula Deen prepare his last meal

6. Send him to Atlanta, and make one of those Ebola doctors his roomie

5. Book him a flight on Malaysia Airlines

4. Hand him the keys to a General Motors car

3. Send him to Texas, where they execute so many inmates, they’ve installed electric bleachers

2. Force him to watch the Sarah Palin Channel 24/7

1. Have him stand between Chris Christie and an all-you-can-eat buffet
 

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10. Whose Lie Is It Anyway?

9. B.J. and the Mama Grizzly

8. Minimal Minds

7. Combat Drone Moose Hunt

6. Are You Dumber Than A Fifth Grader?

5. Under the Nome

4. How I Met Your Teenage Unwed Mother

3. The Big Benghazi Theory

2. Wasilla Gorilla

1. The Tina Fey Hour
 

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10. President Lincoln: The Rail Splitter

9. President George W. Bush: My Weapon of Mass Destruction

8. President George H. W. Bush: The Idiot Producer

7. President Jimmy Carter: Peanut

6. President Bill Clinton: The Troublemaker

5. President Harry S. Truman: The Fuck Stops Here

4. President Ronald Reagan: The Big Gipper

3. President Theodore Roosevelt: The Rough Rider

2. President Lyndon Johnson: Johnson’s Johnson

1. President Richard M. Nixon: Tricky Dick
 

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