Is there such thing as too much news? It seems that if there are enough distractions, like a bankrupt Detroit or a royal baby, people will forget or grow bored of other issues in our world that are more serious and still unresolved. [Read more →]
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. NSA1: The Emperor has allowed this Obama fellow to oversee things in America, so far. He has allowed this because it pleases him to do so. Alas, the Emperor is now becoming vexed. “Why is the Great One vexed,” you ask? It is because, for some reason, Mr. Obama and his fellow officials are starting to act like Emperors. There is only one Emperor; only one divinely-appointed Overlord who wields the right to pry into your tiny little personal lives; to search through your phone calls without probable cause; to arrest you in the middle of the night on a whim; to kiss your sister at will. It is I. He. It is he. (It’s hard to keep pronouns straight when one is always talking in the third person. When he is always talking in the third person. We? Ah, bugger it.) However, the Emperor is willing to allow this governmental snooping to continue, so long as the petty rulers in America submit to the punishment below.
The Punishment: All politicians will, henceforth, serve out their terms in loin cloths. (The women in American government may add seashell brassieres, if they are inclined toward modesty.) This should serve a reminder to them, on a daily basis, of what it means to feel “exposed,” as do the citizens of America, to ever-increasing degrees. Even ground. That’s what it’s all about. Equality. (Except for us. Me. We. You know what I mean. The Emperor.)
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
10. That, at one state dinner, Obama strongly implied that the defrosted ham was actually fresh!
9. The scandal of Obama hiding something about his heritage: he’s mostly Irish
8. The disgrace of Obama once meeting heads of state wearing a clip-on
7. The fact that Obama really really wanted to call his first daughter Clinique
6. That Obama recently sanctioned killer computer worms able to zap any computer user who dare read this Top Ten list
5. Obama sinking so low as to make the ridiculous accusation that Fox News is screaming ‘scandal’ ‘scandal’ ‘scandal’ ‘scandal’ infinity-times-infinity times just in the hopes that, eventually, something might stick
4. The Smell-Of-Cigarette-Smoke-After-Midnight Scandal!
3. That, when Obama was three, he once advertently stared up a grass skirt
2. That Obama smoked so much dope in Hawaii, it has undoubtedly kept him from even greater things – than being the most powerful man on the face of the earth
1. White-After-Labor-Day-Gate
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Have policemen and firefighters work on commission
9. Convince the EU to go in with us on a Groupon
8. Rent out Mount Rushmore to rappelling clubs
7. Put advertisements on our currency
6. Don’t pay mailmen anything, but let them keep whatever’s in every other package
5. Sell one of the Carolinas and one of the Dakotas
4. Put turnstiles in the border wall between Mexico and Texas
3. Charge visitors to the Statue of Liberty ten bucks to look up her robe
2. Turn the National Mall into a real mall
1. Only paying Congressmen for work that actually gets done
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Vote for a Stand-Up Guy!
9. The Right Man with the Right Staff!
8. Anthony Weiner! – He’s the Full Package!
7. Too Big to Fail!
6. You Can’t Keep a Good Weiner Down!
5. Progress You Can Hang Your Hat On!
4. Anthony Weiner: Hard On Crime!
3. Fighting for Working Stiffs Everywhere!
2. I’m No Quitter! I Plan to Stick It Out!
1. Once an Upstanding Member of Congress!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Howdy y’all- the robot LBJ keeps us yukkin’, pic from here
There are 13 “presidential libraries” in the US. These are grandiose shrines that contain the papers and records of every president since Herbert Hoover. Tomorrow the library dedicated to George W. Bush will open in Dallas and all living presidents will be there to celebrate – rather like one of those episodes of Doctor Who where the current incarnation meets with his past selves to foil a Dalek invasion.
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 1984: We have tried to be delicate about this, so as not to provoke an (unavoidably impotent) uprising among the subjects of the Empire, but, let’s face it, no one in America (especially in America; especially in New York City) is smart enough to make his own choices. It is the place of any governing institution (either on the Imperial or on the city level) to protect the poor fools in our charge. We, the ones in the velvet thrones — those like Mayor Bloomberg and [Read more →]
10. Driving to Burger King so he can wear that cardboard crown for awhile
9. Making plans for a Caribbean vacation to visit his money
8. Lying to Ann, Taggart, Matthew, Joshua, Benjamin, and Craig, just to keep in practice
7. Playing Monopoly
6. Trying to coax his dog out from under the bed for the family’s annual car trip
5. Blaming the world’s ills on the “takers” who “want stuff,” like food and housing
4. Participating in homoerotic wrestling matches with Paul Ryan
3. E-mailing the Republican National Committee that, if their strategy is to find someone for 2016 who is the 180-degree polar opposite of Romney, he could fill the bill, no problem!
2. Hand washing the skid marks out of his magic underwear
1. Thanking his lucky stars he didn’t win the Presidency, because he really didn’t want to have to move into a smaller house
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Recently, Bill Frezza at Real Clear Markets published a story about cows fleeing California for other states because California’s state-minimum pricing of milk is too low to turn a profit.
The crisis in California stems from Golden State cheese makers carrying more political clout than dairy farmers. As a result, the minimum legal price of milk in California is 2 ½ cents per pound less than the average minimum legal price in other states. Two and a half cents may not sound like much, but in a business in chronic oversupply, that’s larger than typical profit margins.
With feedstock costs skyrocketing due to the diversion of corn to make subsidized ethanol-another brilliantly managed business- California dairy farmers are on the ropes. Meanwhile, California cheese makers enjoy a competitive advantage because it is illegal for out-of-state cheese makers to buy cheaper California milk.
People have proposed any number of solutions to our current financial problems, from “the fiscal cliff,” to “increased government spending.” But one problem with these ideas is that they do not take into account a common-sense approach. It’s only by using common sense ideas that we can hope to solve all our problems. To do so with compassion must also be given top priority.
One reason why compassion and common sense ideas are so rarely employed is that so few people actually have those virtues. I am not plagued by such deficiencies. That’s why I often come up with ideas that are compassionate and common-sensible. These ideas seem completely obvious to me, and yet, these ideas have never been implemented before, anywhere, because, if they had been implemented, then they would be unnecessary, because the world would be perfect and wouldn’t need compassionate common sense ideas. [Read more →]
It’s been a week since President Obama won re-election, and since then, Republicans, Democrats, and pundits alike have been trying to make sense of his surprisingly decisive victory. And even though the popular vote was close (50% – 48%), most experts see the President’s victory as an indictment on the Republican Party. [Read more →]
The national polls are tied and President Obama has a lead in Ohio. Mitt Romney needs Ohio to win the Electoral College and consequently the election. Therefore, it looks like the President might just pull off the unthinkable – an incumbent victory marred by scandal (Benghazi and Fast & Furious), an unpopular war (Afghanistan), high unemployment (7.9%), record debt ($16 trillion), and a struggling economy (2% GDP growth).
In any other election during any other time, it would be absolutely impossible for the incumbent to retain power. But in the United States today, there are 3 prominent political factors in masking the President’s incompetence that might give him an unlikely second term. [Read more →]
10. Once he doesn’t have to worry about getting re-elected anymore, he can cut loose
9. If you’re proud about electing the first Black President, limiting him to one term will imply he was a failure: “Let’s not do that again!”
8. His opponent’s claim of job experience involved vile business practices that bankrupted companies and put people out of work. Plus every businessman who has been President (Hoover, Carter, Bush II) has wrecked the economy, because they try to rule from the top down (like in a kingdom) where a consensus is needed (where being something like a community organizer comes in handy). Romney’s an entitled bully who likes to hold down gay guys and cut their hair. And he’s also a pathological liar who will say anything to get elected, so if you believe him, you’re a sucker
7. Under Obama, we’ve had 22 consecutive months of private-sector job growth, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average has surged 60%
6. Obama is not part of the War on Women. And if you’re a woman who says, “Well, the recession is more important to me right now than women’s issues,” trickle down and spending cuts have only ever worsened a recession. Plus you shouldn’t reward Republican Congressmen’s cynical thwarting of Obama’s stimulus plans stemming from their belief that defeating Obama is more important than helping the American people.
5. One gets the feeling Obama loves people and uses money; Romney has proven beyond any doubt he loves money and uses people
4. If you decide not to vote because you think Obama has it in the bag, Romney might steal the election through all those voter suppression scams
3. Obama got bin Laden
2. He passed Health Care Reform, the Stimulus, Wall Street Reform, and credit card reforms; recapitalized banks; repealed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”; saved the car industry; and vastly improved America’s image abroad
1. Einstein defined ‘insanity’ as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” If you think Romney’s economic plans, which are the same as Bush’s were, will help the economy, you’re certifiable
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
It would serve them right.
Republicans, who have done everything in their power to tilt this and recent elections by denying people access to the polls based on fraudulent claims of voter fraud, richly deserve to lose this one. (Admittedly, in forty years I have voted for a Republican only once, when the Democrat was under indictment.) I suspect that on Tuesday President Obama will win a popular majority nationwide as well as in the Electoral College. But there’s a more than slim chance that the President will lose the popular vote but win in the Electoral College. And after the national disgrace of the 2000 election – and the ongoing disgrace of Republican voter suppression efforts – it would serve them right. [Read more →]
Still a lot of people suffering. But where’s Kanye West? Makes you think.
Staten Island, New York
New Jersey
Connecticut
Ohio
“President Barack Obama doesn’t care about white people.”
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 2012, Category 1: Hurricane Sandy is all but come and gone and she did great damage to the Emperor’s American East Coast. The Emperor’s Palace has been situated in this area for many years and He has seen a few storms. This time, things went much better. The Imperial Electric Company did its job well. Sure, some subjects are without power, but, overall, it seems the IEC was much better prepared. They have learned how better to deal with storms like this. Local governments were much better prepared, as well. Will anyone hear about it? Well, they will now: You are commanded to thank authorities and organizations for anything that went right (systematically-speaking) during this storm. (Of course, it goes without saying you should do the same for our safety and health workers.)
Why? Because the Emperor is used to being in a position of authority (both in his Imperial and his “real” life) and he knows that no one ever thanks those in authority for things that improve or that go well. But they sure as hell are ready to tell us when things go wrong, whether those problems are our fault or not.
The Punishment: Those who neglect to send thank-you emails will have their power turned off during the next drizzle.
Epilogue: The Emperor leaves you with this pictorial tale of kindness in the face of tragedy: This Great White Shark is ignoring his natural instincts in order to save a poor seal from drowning in the inland flooding on the Jersey coast by spitting him out toward the open sea. Inspiring. (Hat Tip: Marni Vaccaro and Joe Cairns.)
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new post each Tuesday morning.
10. ‘Mitt’ is short for ‘Mitigate’
9. He has less charisma than Clint Eastwood’s chair
8. On vacation, he likes to visit his money in the Caymans
7. He’d gladly show you his tax returns – when you pry them from his cold dead fingers
6. His nickname for his dog is ‘Luggage’
5. He has a three-prong strategy for winning the election: lie (look at the Republican convention), buy (the Koch brothers have $50 billion), and cheat (voter I.D., etc.)
4. He’s somewhat smarter than your average marmoset
3. He doesn’t have a birth certificate to show; instead he has a warranty
2. He not only wears magic underwear, but a matching magic bra
1. If elected, he plans to fire everybody, flip the country, and move to Sweden
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
