In our house the movie A Christmas Story is, as in many other households, a holiday staple.

In this perfect little movie, Ralphie has several loss-of-youthful-innocence moments. One of the most poignant (mild spoiler alert follows if for some reason you’ve never seen this movie!) is his effort to decode a message to save radio show heroine Little Orphan Annie.

Ralphie has eagerly awaited a special decoder pin’s arrival in the mail. He’ll tune into his favorite radio program, receive Annie’s coded message, and then use the decoder. This is important stuff!

He finally receives the decoder package (making him forget immediately about a narrow escape from bullies), hears the message, and rushes off to the bathroom, “the only room in the house where a boy of nine can sit in privacy and decode.”

While little brother Randy whines at the door about needing to use the bathroom, the narrator recounts Ralphie’s decoding. The tension builds as he deciphers Annie’s message, letter by letter, imagining he might be saving the world!

That’s until the whole message is clear: B-E-S-U-R-E-T-O-D-R-I-N-K-Y-O-U-R-O-V-A-L-T-I-N-E.

A stunned Ralphie realizes he’s been duped: The message was merely “a crummy commercial” for the program sponsor. Ralphie throws down the pencil and decoder and leaves the bathroom, going “out to face the world again, wiser.”

It’s another bittersweet moment where he is yanked into the sphere of mature knowledge.

For some chunk of Americans, their Ralphie-Ovaltine moment is coming. I don’t think it’s funny. I’m not gloating about it. I don’t envy them it.

At some point, these Ralphies will be engaged, perhaps feverishly, with recollecting a lingering aspect of the chaos of the past four years of this president, and it’ll hit them.

Perhaps it will be when one of the many inside stories of a presidency driven by selfishness and greed and antagonism comes to light. They will hear about just who walked and tarnished the halls of their White House the past few years. They will see clearly the pardoning of those who abused their trust.

Perhaps, my god, they sent money the past few months to “fight” the bizarre claims of election conspiracy. They will see how a purported-drainer-of-the-swamp created the deepest fen in modern political history with their money.

Perhaps they’ll read a book about autocratic or fascist propaganda. Or they’ll read–or re-read–1984. They’ll realize that the person who hugs the flag tightest may be the least patriotic, the least American. They will see that a long and unfortunately reliable way to fool people is with what many call “The Big Lie,” which is that if you tell a monster lie, a preposterous untruth, and repeat it enough, some group of people will come to believe it.

Perhaps they will not have their moment for many years. Perhaps it will come when their kids or even grandkids will read about this era, read about how a purveyor of more than 20,000 lies set up a sloppy, stupid lie about the integrity of the U.S. election and how many enablers went along with it to get votes, and a young face will look up to them asking, “You certainly didn’t believe that, did you?”

Faced with that question, what will our Ralphies do when they think back on the unpatriotic and undemocratic actions of the past four years? Will they admit their culpability?

Or, even with so much time having passed, will they follow dutifully from the wreckage of integrity of the past four years and simply lie themselves?

Regardless, I feel for these future Ralphies, as many will have a moment when their belief in a movement will be abruptly shattered, splintered by the searing shock of knowledge that the past four years had been largely a sham: a bloated, “crummy” commercial.

Tags: politics & government, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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We all knew a Donnie Dodgeball. He’d get pegged during a playground game of dodgeball The ball would carom off his back. But he wouldn’t admit it.

The kid on the other team would cry out, “Got ya!” But he would claim he wasn’t hit. Of course, these things happened sometimes. At that point, the rest of the other team would urge, “You’re out!” The fibber, caught, would give in.

Not Donnie Dodgeball. He’d stay put. He’d insist the ball missed.

There were unwritten playground rules to deal with these situations. After a bit, a stubborn player’s own team would declare the player out. That would almost always do the trick.

Not Donnie Dodgeball. He would angrily maintain that he wasn’t hit. His teammates would urge, “C’mon Donnie Dodgeball, what are you doing? You’re out. Get going!”

Donnie Dodgeball would sit down and refuse to leave the court.

You almost had to admire his brazenness. Even though everyone else knew what had happened, everyone saw it, he would dig in. He would get flush, his voice would crack, and his eyes would moisten.

The pressure would build, and eventually the whole force of the fifth grade playground would have to rise against such a player before he would finally get up, unsuccessfully fighting back tears, and tromp off to the side.

Donnie Dodgeball, though, wouldn’t care that he ruined the game for everyone. He would stay on the court all the way through recess or until an aide who had seen the whole thing would have to tell him he was out and to remove himself from the court.

As time passed and you thought it over, there would be other incidents like this throughout Donnie Dodgeball’s life. Cheating in school. Shortcuts. Pettiness. He wasn’t hated–in fact some people like him–but most knew he was a cheater and he couldn’t be trusted.

Sometimes you would run into Donnie Dodgeball later in life, maybe in a bar, maybe at a class reunion.

He’d get going and he would voice all of the transgressions the world had committed against him, tell you about all the stupid people he hates. You would see the color rise in his face again.

He’d badmouth his wife, complain about his job. It was all same day, different shit.

You’d sit and listen and watch, and you would think back to Donnie Dodgeball sitting defiantly on the playground, bathed in hot tears, and realize you knew who he was all along.

Tags: politics & government, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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You’ve heard this everywhere, but I’ll still do my little part here: Get out and vote. I believe if enough people do, we’ll move on from this embarrassing chapter in U.S. history, and we’ll reduce the chance of hemming and hawing and resisting and bs’ing.

Get out there and vote so the swell of numbers means we don’t have to listen to lies about fraud or tampering. Make all of that not matter by virtue of decisiveness.

Tampering? I admit I’ve been mystified since 2016, when everyone was crying foul because Russian bots were running amok on social media and ruining our democracy.

I kept thinking, wait, not Russian tanks or paper-shredder-wielding soldiers or poison-toting spies. Bots. Carrying little pieces of stupid information. My frustration would well up that these bots were an excuse, that our elections’ integrity were being questioned because people weren’t smart enough to do some research on a stupid little fake news story they read on Facebook.

We’ve got to do better. We cannot allow phony ads to influence our vote for the President of the United States.

We’re not living in mud huts cowering and shivering every time it thunders. Shame on us for this nonsense even being a factor in our election. I know digital deceptions–deep fakes, etc.–are getting more complex, but everything can be double-, triple-checked.

It only takes rudimentary critical thinking skills to see through slick editing to a lack of substance, especially when you factor in motive: If a message you receive is being propagated to better someone’s chances at election, at any cost… c’mon, connect the dots!

If you see, for instance, a photo of a bunch of bikers with a caption saying they are praying for the president’s recovery outside Walter Reed hospital, you just need to look around a little to see this isn’t true.

Facebook and its kin, for all the money they make, should police content better, but if your decisions are being primarily governed by material that you’re reading on social media…

… well, here we are.

Smarten up, and get out and vote. Inform yourself, even a little, and then vote. Think of it, as Atlantic writer Anne Applebaum wrote in “Citizens Guide to Defending the Election,” as something proactive you must do: “To put it differently: Instead of treating democracy like tap water, Americans must start fetching it from the well, carrying it home, and boiling it before drinking.”

I’m no prognosticator, and perhaps I’m naive, but if the vast numbers of people who think what’s happening now is a disgrace show up and vote, there’ll be no conversation come early November about the transfer of power. It’ll be too overwhelming to be a conversation.

Who knows, maybe the incumbent will even surprise us with a show of decency in conceding in the face of massive polling numbers.

If that image cheers you, however unbelievable it seems, then get out and vote.

Tags: ends & odd, politics & government, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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People across the world are dismayed, disturbed, and appalled by the U.S. Presidential debate Tuesday.

CNN simply called it a “shit-show.”

Following from these responses are cries to change the format in any future debates to control the verbal combatants, particularly the incumbent, who acted, unsurprisingly, in an egregious manner.

I’ve been seeing these perspectives through the lens of many younger people, including my own kids, who haven’t experienced many debates. Many asked: Is this the way it is supposed to be? Is it always this bad?

Trying to see what they had seen got me thinking, and those thoughts lead me to say firmly to all those who want to change the format: No way! Keep it as it is!

I’ve always wondered about the purpose of presidential debates. A debate is an artificial communication and interaction scenario that enables us to see the debaters in a narrow, particular way: On a stage, answering complicated questions against a tight clock.

In this environment, verbal dexterity, humor, and partisanship take precedent over traits like team-building, contemplativeness, and open-mindedness. Traits that might make you an excellent president may not show up in a debate venue, not to mention the value of silly attributes like good looks and even height.

While I enjoy debates, I never saw them as a tremendous predictor of who would be a good president/leader. In fact, as you saw Tuesday, they may not even show who’s a good debater.

How can a candidate articulate how to address climate change or health care reform in a two-minute comment? At one time, debates were perhaps a way for people to see candidates and to put those candidates’ ideas put under pressure, but now candidates are visible in many other ways. Maybe there was a time, oh, say, back when Lincoln debated Douglas, that you had a mono-media view of your candidates. That time is past. If you want to see Biden’s plans, for instance, just go to his website.

Oh, and forget all that stuff about looking presidential. When you step off Air Force 1, you look presidential, despite massive contradictions otherwise.

So why change the format? Tuesday night was not a shit-show–it was perfect. If, for some reason you didn’t already know about the behavior of the incumbent, you got to see that behavior in front of a world-wide stage.

You got to see the level of listening and truth telling and respect. Of course, if there was any doubt about that person’s stance on white supremacy–well, it’s now more difficult to defend that platform plank.

He laid it all out for the world to see because the debate format provided the platform. You saw how he is. If you vote for him, then you are saying that is how you want to be represented.

By the way, younger viewers I spoke with were frustrated in general with the candidates. But I noticed the debate let them see behavior for what it was. I’m just telling them that despite the bluster about voter fraud that their vote will decide how much they accept what they saw on that stage.

Tags: politics & government, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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There is this guy I know. One day he turned into Captain America. It was a quick and thorough transformation.

I’m not sure how it happened, but all of a sudden he’s the biggest patriot around. It’s all red-white-and-blue and U.S. of A. The flag means everything to him, and if you get in front of a camera and hug the flag, no matter how obviously insincerely, he’s all for you. Any questions? If so, he’s mad as hell about your lack of commitment.

The little problem here is that I ain’t seen Captain America do a damn patriotic thing yet.

He’s bent out of shape if you “disrespect” “his” flag. To him, that means you’re disrespecting “his” country. But he spends 95% of his national anthems in the beer line or bathroom hunched over a urinal or on a couch,

On Memorial Day I saw him tossing some horseshoes for a few hours before he puked in the bushes after guzzling a 12-pack of patriotic beer. He did have on a red, white, and blue tank top.

I was thinking he’d be all over Flag Day–I mean, he had the tank top–but he missed that one completely.

Fourth of July, the big daddy, Independence Day, I saw him eat 8 hot dogs and up the 12er to dang near a case (hell, it was a really patriotic year this year because Fourth of July fell on a Saturday) before repeating the bush incident.

Constitution Day has always been a tough one because he still gets that document confused with the Declaration of Independence. The transformation to Captain America did unfortunately no good in that regard.

He doesn’t do nothing for Veterans Day.

He didn’t do nothing special to commemorate 9/11 either.

Not a drop of service or a dash of remembrance.

Whatever, in his heart he’s all about the USA, even if in his head he couldn’t pass the citizenship test they give to aspiring new Americans, but he don’t need to–this is his country and his kind’ll be administering the tests, thank you very much.

Being Captain America means he doesn’t have to make any sacrifices like learning stuff.

In fact, he’s so unwilling to sacrifice, he won’t even wear a face mask lately. He’s not giving up his personal freedom.

I wonder if George Washington had come a knockin’ on Captain America’s door back in the 1700s. Is he the kind of guy who would have answered the call, who would have slept in the snow with no shoes? It’s tough to imagine. I feel like he would have said, “It’s too cold out there, general! I don’t have the time to sacrifice for your stupid war!”

But now he thinks he’s the natural inheritor of that legacy of personal sacrifice.

So he stomps around all mad, gets good and drunk on some of the big days and says stuff like, “If they don’t like it, they can live somewhere else!”

They.

Them other folks.

Not him.

Not Captain America.

Defender of the red, the white, and the blue.

Tags: politics & government, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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Now that the political conventions are over and we can get back to normal (hahahahaha–I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get that out with a straight face), I have a request: I want the bullying at White House press conferences to stop. You know what I’m talking about, and you know who I’m talking to: You question-askers better stop bullying!

Here’s a definition of bullying I found on the web: seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable).

There’s a lot packed in there, especially in the word “coerce” and in that parenthetical at the end.

What else can you possibly call it when people wearing masks–who do they think they are protecting their own health?!–ask this poor schlub at the podium specific questions about a virus?! Talk about coercion? Talk about vulnerable! They are asking someone questions about a topic that this guy has clearly demonstrated he knows nothing about, yet, when prompted, will gladly make a fool of himself in front of the world audience by answering.

For shame!

This has been going on for months and I for one am tired of it. Think about the future, when our kids and grandkids will watch these videos (oh, and there will be videos). “But Grammy,” they’ll ask, perhaps through tears, “who kept letting these people bully a poor confused guy who can’t even speak in complete sentences by asking him questions about medicine, about science, about facts?!”

Yes, our ancestors will see clearly how question-askers relished the daily ineptitude, the what would appear to be almost scripted foolishness!

He’s a sitting duck. I mean, anyone who can say something like “I know more about drones than anybody” will clearly say anything if prompted (if there is a person in the world qualified to make that statement about drones, isn’t it unimaginable that the person would actually state it?!).

These questions need to stop now because Miss Manners would say it’s not nice and none of us are learning anything anyways. Geez, what do they achieve? We all know this person knows nothing about the coronavirus. Since this has gone on for so long, we also know, at this point, that he’s not going to spend time learning either.

So you know what, you mean bullies, remember that some day we’ll all look back and wonder how a person like this got into that podium position in the first place, how a person who was the least informed in the many rooms he ventured into got to call the shots. Until then, ask nice, kind questions that won’t cause any further embarrassment.

In fact, let’s stay in his wheelhouse. Maybe start here: “If you were the coronavirus, how would you successfully market yourself?”

Tags: politics & government, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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We’re all aware of some version of the problem: It’s not just that we can’t agree, it’s that we can’t even have the conversation.

You know what I’m talking about. In a way, it’s difficult to articulate–hard to find the right words to explain. You say something and I’m immediately sent spinning. I say something and you have a fact to refute it.

You’re suspicious. So am I. We’ve both heard things and have facts and sources. We both have premises. We both know a lot of stuff. Over and over, we keep having conversations that never get off the ground.

Even though we’re still connected, we know those who’ve separated from friends and family.

So let’s try something different, something kind of simple–if we’ll give it a chance..

Let’s watch the news together.

Yes, this is an invitation. In these COVID times, we don’t have to be in the same room. Let’s get on the old horn, settle down, and watch the news. Let’s flip the channels and land on one. You tell me what you see. I’ll tell you what I see. You tell me what you hear. I’ll tell you what I hear.

Then we’ll flip to another channel. You can pick the first channel. I’ll pick the second. Repeat.

Let’s present our experience to each other so we start to understand not so much what each other thinks–which all of us may be too eager to volunteer lately–but try to understand how each other sees the world.

I need to understand that if I’m asking this of you, I have to hold up my end. I can’t immediately swoop in if I hear something I don’t like. I can’t sit, ready to pounce on the perceived weakness (when you think about it, it’s amazing how many of the metaphors for these types of behaviors draw from images of hunting/attacking animals) of your argument.

Basically, I have to shut my mouth for a minute and hear what you have to say, but over the specific medium of watching the news together. So we’re freeing each other of bickering about data points and generalized conspiracies. We’re watching images on the screen and listening to the words that accompany them, and we say, “I see this. I hear this.”

We have come a long way, so we probably won’t end up agreeing. I don’t want us to argue, but we may start arguing a bit. Perhaps that’s okay, but let’s just not finish that way.

Because if we can’t even do this simple thing, take a few minutes and watch TV together, then all hope for discourse really is lost, isn’t it?

Part of me envisions a scenario in which we don’t even weigh in on each other’s comments. We listen, take our turn, and eventually turn the TV off and take conversation elsewhere, maybe to why we’ve been friends in the first place.

Then we can hang up for now.

Tags: politics & government, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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I have always thought that our votes for those who would lead our nation would come with expectations we, the people, have about how they would strive to respect the trust we place in them, through their words and their actions.

[Read more →]

Tags: diatribes, politics & government by Jeff McDonald
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10. Scott Stein has done such a remarkable job of creating and maintaining this site, I wouldn’t want to do anything to detract from its excellence.

9. Its premise, as clearly stated in its logo, is that it is “a journal of American culture [or lack thereof]”.

8. I have done my best to reflect American culture [or its lack], and have found it impossible to do so when I am out of the country for extended periods. Its culture [or lack] doesn’t penetrate very far into foreign lands, and it is impossible to really reflect the country’s culture when one is not steeped in the Modern American Zeitgeist.

7. Winston Churchill once said, “Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.” I totally agree, and when I was young, we actually had a democracy in the U.S.

6. Our democracy has been replaced by a plutocracy (government by the wealthy). The rich keep making more rules to make themselves richer, they get the U.S. involved in foreign wars through false flag operations (Nayirah testimony, Saddam’s WMDs) and the like (Timber Sycamore) because war is profitable and, to pay for the wars thereby lining their own pockets, education is cut, help for poor people is cut, millions are thrown off health care, and virtually everything that can be termed ‘humanitarian’ vanishes. The wage gap keeps growing wider and wider, to unprecedented widths, through such devices as the recently-passed Tax Bill (Ayn-Rand-asshole Paul Ryan’s raison d’être), and the poor and middle class suffer.

5. It’s obvious we don’t have a democracy because the laws never seem to reflect the will of the people, most of who want sensible gun laws, environmental regulations (see Flint, Michigan), campaign finance reform (Citizens United), DACA, net neutrality, enough control over the banks so the country doesn’t have another fiscal meltdown, healthcare that doesn’t bankrupt families, a livable wage, etc., etc.

4. The two-party system is really a one-party system now, each party bowing down to their corporate overlords, and the Democrats would rather see a Republican win than a Liberal or Socialist like Bernie Sanders, while the deck is increasingly stacked against ever creating a third party. The consolidation of media companies means less and less voices, the wealth of the media companies means no dissenting voices (a successful teachers’ strike will get virtually no media coverage because it might give other teachers ideas or, God forbid, encourage unionization), and the spread of the likes of Sinclair Broadcast Group makes sure the talking-point lies make it down to the grass-roots level. Comics like Bill Maher and Stephen Colbert do a great job poking fun at individuals like Trump, but they never really challenge the underlying system, which is diseased at its core.

3. I’ve spent the last 20 years working in education (at Temple University’s Center on Innovations in Learning) and education has become a joke, with Betsy DeVos appointed Secretary of Education, schools crumbling, and students daily facing the possibility of getting shot. Teachers are paid a pitiful salary, some working three jobs and selling blood, and when they try to strike, their opponents get talking points to discredit them from the State Policy Network, funded by the Koch brothers and the Walton Family Foundation. And if a school can’t afford supplies and a teacher decides to step up and buy their students paper and pencils, the teachers used to be able to take a tax deduction — but not under the new Tax Bill, which now lets the One Percenters deduct expenses for their private jets. But then, if you can keep the electorate stupid, they’re easier to lie to and easier to steal from.

2. Trump isn’t the disease; he’s just a symptom. People say he isn’t effective because the Tax Reform Bill is his only accomplishment, but through executive orders gutting environmental regulations and every good thing Obama ever did, horrendous judicial appointees whose effects will be felt for decades, and the appointment of incompetent department heads who were chosen because they loathe what their department does (causing their departments to slowly implode, as their best minds and long-time employees resign in frustration), Trump has actually accomplished quite a lot. Ever since that pathologically-lying unfaithful narcissistic asshat got elected and threw America’s (and the environment’s) deterioration into overdrive, I can’t stand it anymore, so I applied for, and was granted, political asylum by the British Government.

1. By the time this Top Ten drops, I will be living an ocean away, no longer immersed in this toxic Zeitgeist. I wish you all well, I hope Great Britain doesn’t follow America’s lead, and I will miss many of the people in America, including loyal readers, and especially Scott Stein, who I thank for the opportunity for a little spleen venting. I may return if the country can turn itself around — and that’s the biggest ‘if’ since Rudyard Kipling started projecting the titles of his poems onto the night sky over Gotham City.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appeared every Monday since February 2, 2009, up until today.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, politics & government by Bob Sullivan
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10. Trump’s hands are so small, he’s able to wear his father’s ring…as a bracelet

9. When his hands are near his penis, his hands look absolutely massive

8. Trump said to Stormy, “You remind me of my daughter….Wanna fuck?”

7. when Stormy asked Trump if he meant ‘Tiffany’, he grimaced and said, “Ewww, that’s sick!”

6. Trump’s favorite ’60s pop band is Spanky and Our Gang

5. Trump only fucked Stormy once, if you don’t count the many many times he’s fucked her since his inauguration, owing to the fact that she’s an American citizen

4. Their pseudonyms on the nondisclosure agreement were ‘David Dennison’ and ‘Peggy Peterson’, so it’s “Double D vs. PP”

3. The best thing about the interview was watching Duke lose

2. Trump didn’t wear a condom, though he did wear a thimble

1. The couple in the next room complained to hotel management about all the screaming and moaning — “Donald, I love you! Donald, you’re the best! Donald, you’re so big!” — and then the woman would say something
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. Donald Trump is deathly afraid of sharks, except for great white sharks, because they’re great, and they’re white

9. Trump’s hair is made entirely of cotton candy

8. According to Stormy Daniels, Donald suffers from a severe case of small cox

7. Trump is so deep in the pocket of Big Business, he eats more lint than cheeseburgers

6. Once a week, Trump has to update Putin on how Putin’s investment is doing

5. Trump once asked how much it would cost to put a mirror on the ceiling of his White House bedroom, where he sleeps alone

4. Trump thinks a plutocracy is ‘a government run by a yellow-orange dog with black ears’

3. Unless you’re a member of the Third Reich, Donald Trump is, in fact, not “the least bigoted person you’ve even met”

2. Once, by accident, Trump told the truth

1. Donald once tried that ‘Bottomless Popcorn Tub’ trick on Ivanka
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. The Bad, The Ugly, and the Morally Reprehensible

9. Tombstone (if Obamacare is Repealed)

8. Unforgivable

7. Once Upon a Time in the Moscow Hilton

6. 3:10 Chartered Flight to Yuma

5. The Odious Seven

4. Dances with Nazis

3. The Outlaw Jared Kushner

2. A Shitload of Dollars

1. For A Few Million More
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. Ball the President’s Men

9. Barbara’s Bush

8. Politically Erect

7. Pussy-Graber-in-Chief

6. The Devil in Miss Conway

5. Filibuster Cherry

4. Nazi-jism

3. Nailin’ Palin

2. Cruzin’

1. Deep Pockets
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. Alt-Right Guard

9. Goebbels ’n Bits

8. White-In Liquid Paper

7. Grey Goose Step Vodka

6. Invading Poland Spring Water

5. Death Campfire Marshmallows

4. MixMaster Race

3. K-K-K-Y Jelly

2. Eva Brawny Towels

1. Reich Krispies
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Shortly before the presidential election, I wrote if we had a Trump presidency, it would most resemble that of his fellow dark horse candidate Franklin Pierce: “Like Trump, Pierce was surrounded by chaos. (Though, unlike Trump, it wasn’t usually of his creation.)”

So far, so good.

It’s hard to remember sometimes, but from a historical standpoint Trump took office during an unusually stable moment in America’s history. We are a nation that’s fought two World Wars, suffered a handful of economic freefalls, seen our President die in office on eight occasions, had the British burn our capital, and for a time splintered apart completely.

By comparison—and this is no way ignores numerous massive problems, such as the fact you can’t refer to our nation’s infrastructure without using the word “crumbling”—America right now is a lazy summer day.

Of course, America doesn’t feel like a lazy summer day: nope, it’s the middle of winter and we’re freezing to death on the tundra, yet somehow simultaneously getting hit by a category 5 hurricane at the same moment the killer bees attack.

In what may be the biggest understatement of all time, there appear to be aspects of Donald Trump that could prove challenging to a successful presidency. Understand: most presidents have qualities or experiences that threaten their ability to lead. Pierce himself witnessed his son die in a train accident shortly before taking office and promptly went on to be a truly miserable Commander-in-Chief. However, we have also seen presidents overcome absurdly long odds to find success, as Lincoln’s struggles with depression and F.D.R.’s battle against polio didn’t stop either from being a great leader.

But if a president had depression and polio and refused to seek treatment for either condition and insisted on making fun of other people with depression and polio… well, that’s our Donald. [Read more →]

Tags: Mr. Sean goes to Washington, politics & government by Sean Cunningham
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10. “Relish the opportunity to be an outsider. You can be outside of so many things these days: a decent-paying job, the health care system,…”

9. “Betsy DeVos was going to be here to give a commencement speech, but she forgot how to read.”

8. “Liberty University ranks among the greatest institutions of higher learning, right up there with Trump University and Hogsworth.”

7. “I am amazed how many people are here today — there must be fifty or sixty million of you!”

6. “You aren’t going to let other people tell you what you believe, especially when you know that you’re right. You don’t need a lecture from Washington on how to lead your lives. That’s how each and every one of you should lead your life, and I know about this stuff because I’m from Washington.”

5. “Can you keep a secret? Oh, sorry, for a second there I thought you were all Russian.”

4. “Nothing is easier or more pathetic than being a critic. Just ask Little Marco, Lyin’ Ted, or Crooked Hillary.”

3. “I’m really glad to be here today at this phenomenal evangelical Christian university. No Muslims!”

2. “Can anybody tell me why the Democrats never get blocked from doing anything? — Why is it always obstruction of just us?”

1. “Today you end one chapter but you are about to begin the greatest adventure of your life. Now you must go forth into the world and turn your hopes and dreams into action. America has always been the land of dreams because America is a nation of true believers. The future belongs to the dreamers, not to the critics. The future belongs to the people who follow their hearts no matter what the critics say because they truly believe in their vision. Carry yourself with dignity and pride. The more people tell you it’s not possible, that it can’t be done, the more you should be absolutely determined to prove them wrong. And always have the courage to be yourself. You have to do what you love. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m feeling a bit bloated, ’cause I just ate about a pound of fortune cookies!”
 

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10. Crazy (by Patsy Cline)

9. Back in the U.S.S.R. (by The Beatles)

8. You’re So Vain (by Carly Simon)

7. Crazy (by Seal)

6. What’s New Pussy Cat? (by Tom Jones)

5. Electra Avenue (by Eddy Grant)

4. Catch a Falling Czar (by Perry Como)

3. Crazy (by Gnarls Barkley)

2. Urine My Heart (by Rod Stewart)

1. Putin on the Ritz (by Taco)
 

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10. The Fat Ugly Face Law: Which bans Rosie O’Donnell from showing her fat ugly face, or any of her other fat ugly parts, in public.

9. The Long Wall Law: Which mandates the building of a wall between the U.S. and Mexico, up the East Coast, along the U.S.-Canadian border, and down the West Coast, to be built by whichever construction company covertly contributes the most money to Trump’s re-election campaign.

8. The P.G. Law: Which gives the Pussy-Grabber-in-Chief carte blanche.

7. The Don’t Ask Law: Which bans gays and lesbians from serving in the military, except maybe for the occasional USO show.

6. The Trickle-Down Law: Which reduces the taxes of corporations and one-percenters to zero, because we know they’re going to spend that extra money like crazy so everybody can get rich.

5. The No-Immigration Law: Which bans all further immigration, because isn’t the country already full enough?

4. The Peekaboo Law: Which will require a government-vetted male to stand outside every men’s room and a government-vetted female to stand outside every ladies’ room to check the genitalia of anyone wishing to use the facilities, with all unisex bathrooms banned outright.

3. Trumpcare: Obamacare’s replacement, which will save millions in federal dollars, and provide each family a DIY health kit containing, for example, a DVD interview with Russian surgeon Leonid Rogozov who, in 1961 Antarctica, was forced to remove his own appendix.

2. The Alternative Facts Law: Which mandates that every atlas and history book publisher must print a second version of each of their books, containing such alternative facts as the thrilling story of how the fearless Donald J. Trump single-handedly took out bin Laden.

1. The Wretched Movie Law: Which bans the showing, airing, or sale of the films A League of Their Own, Sleepless in Seattle, The Flintstones, Exit to Eden, Pitch Perfect 2, or any other movie featuring Rosie O’Donnell.
 

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10. “TWEET WOMEN WITH RESPECT”

9. “A GIRL’S PLACE IS IN THE RESISTANCE”

8. “KEEP YOUR ROSARIES OFF MY OVARIES”

7. “THERE’S A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR KELLYANNE”

6. “ANTI-CLIMATE, ANTI-WOMEN, ANTI-IMMIGRANT, ANTI-WORKER, ANTI-HEALTH CARE, ANTI-EDUCATION, ANTI-CHOICE, ANTI-CIVIL JUSTICE, ANTI-TRUTH. SAD!”

5. “WHAT DO WE WANT? EVIDENCE-BASED SCIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? AFTER PEER REVIEW!”

4. “KEEP YOUR TINY HANDS OFF MY RIGHTS”

3. “HONESTLY, THERE ARE TOO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THIS ADMINISTRATION TO ADEQUATELY SUMMARIZE IN ONE SIGN”

2. “THE TRUTH IS GOLDEN. SHOWER HIM IN IT!”

1. “OUR FIRST BLACKMAILED PRESIDENT”
 

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10. “The head of Trump’s inaugural committee says the Inauguration is going to feature a ‘soft sensuality’. Does that mean that, when Trump fucks the country, he’s going to be gentle about it?”

9. “After the Rockettes perform, I hear Trump is going to greet each one personally – in his special way.”

8. “I just hope Trump tweets about this Inauguration with all the dignity it deserves.”

7. “If you’re wondering what that low rumbling noise is, that’s every dead President rolling over in his grave.”

6. “Trump is being sworn in with the lowest approval rating ever! Thirty-two percent! – I mean, that three points lower than Zika!”

5. “After the B Street Band, which is the Bruce Springsteen cover band, decided to withdraw from entertaining at Trump’s Inauguration, I heard that the C Street Band, which is the B Street Band cover band, decided to pull out, too. And, as of today, they’re up to the letter ‘L’.”

4. “I hope they wind up with the P Street Band – make that the P Sheet Band.”

3. “With what Trump’s said about delegating responsibility, shouldn’t they be swearing in Mike Pence?”

2. “So, in just a few minutes, George W. Bush will no longer officially be ‘America’s Worst President Ever’.”

1. “I can’t wait until he puts his hand on the Bible and it bursts into flames!”
 

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