10. He’s been hiding Easter eggs in his pants

9. He’s been asking people to call him ‘Moammar’

8. He invested all his money in 8-track technology

7. Instead of hopping down the bunny trail, he’s been sashaying

6. He just declared jihad against Santa

5. He believes Newt Gingrich’s claim that Newt’s extramarital affairs stemmed from how passionately he feels about America

4. He claims his favorite television show is “It’s Always Bunny in Philadelphia”

3. He’s been sneaking into bedrooms and leaving eggs under pillows after taking away the teeth

2. All he’ll eat is artificial grass

1. He claims to have tiger’s blood, Adonis DNA, and fire-breathing fists
 

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10. Gas-powered electric blankets

9. Whole-Watermelon-in-a-Box

8 The motorized garden gnome

7. Plug-in mittens

6. The electric toilet paper dispenser

5. Coconuts packed in Styrofoam

4. The return of the Hummer

3. The electric spoon

2. The gas-powered pooper scooper

1. Individually wrapped peas
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. “I just thought she was the silent type.”

9. “It was a female corpse; I’m not a pervert or anything!”

8. “The mortician did such a good job, she wasn’t just ‘lifelike,’ she was ‘hot!’”

7. “I thought she was exaggerating when she said she was ‘dead on her feet’.”

6. “It was like she was holding her breath in anticipation.”

5. “My buddies insisted I dig up a date for the senior prom.”

4. “I’m really into recycling!”

3. “After a hard day at work, there’s nothing more relaxing than coming home and cracking open a cold one.”

2. “All those flowers put me in a romantic mood.”

1. “I just love a girl who can’t say ‘No’.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Me: First of all, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I know you’re busy.

Obama: No problem.

Me: I really only have one question, though.

Obama: Great. Shoot.

Me: Could you identify any substantive differences between your policies on Iraq, Afghanistan, Guantanamo, stimulus spending, immigration, the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the War on Poverty, presidential power, or military interventionism and those policies of George Bush?

Obama: Nope.

Me: Me either. Thanks for clearing that up.

Tags: ends & odd by Jay Baldwin
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10. You don’t care who you get your shamrocks off with

9. You keep going up to strangers and saying, “Ire me; I’m kiss-ish!”

8. You think a tube of toothpaste is astronaut food

7. You keep wishing someone would drive the snakes out of your head

6. You wonder how you wound up with a lower stomach tattoo that says “Kiss My Lucky Charms!”

5. You’re now thinking Sarah Palin is Presidential material

4. You can actually see leprechauns

3. You make Charlie Sheen look like Justin Bieber

2. You wonder how you wound up with a bent shillelagh

1. You spend the entire night doing your Linda Blair impression
 

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Tags: advice, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, drugs & alcohol, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
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I would like to be the first contributor to come forward and give my prayers and condolences to Japan, who has been a staunch and valuable American ally for more than 50 years. I have family in Tokyo who is no doubt mortified of the circumstances. The U.S. is already sending supplies and support to the area. I commend the President for quickly pledging to help. This type of financial, capital, and logistical support is the real legacy of the United States, the one the rest of world sometimes fails to see.

Tags: ends & odd by Robert O'Hara
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10. He’s still too upset that he never received any endorsement money from the Coca-Cola people

9. He tried talking once, but Scalia was drinking a glass of water at the same time and Scalia’s not that talented

8. He took Thurgood Marshall’s seat, and he knows if he opens his mouth, the contrast will be too disheartening

7. He refuses to say anything until Anita Hill apologizes

6. Five years ago, Thomas and Kennedy said the word “jurisprudence” at the same time, Kennedy shouted “Jinx!”…and nobody has spoken Thomas’s name since

5. He’s studying to be a mime (though some people might be insulted if they see him wearing whiteface)

4. He’s obsessed by the pubic hairs he can spot all over that big table they sit at

3. After failing to mention on his Supreme Court financial disclosure forms that his wife earned $686,589 from the conservative Heritage Foundation, he thought, “Who am I to judge?”

2. He finds all that power a turn-on, and he’s afraid, if he talks, people might notice his robe is tenting

1. He’s saving all his best rhetoric for the scheduled Supreme Court obscenity case U. S. v. Long Dong Silver
 

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Charlie Sheen and his poetic fingertips have been the source of great entertainment and speculation over the last several days. His antics have provided a much-needed distraction from events in that other part of the world where all that stuff is happening that I’m not really following anyway because it in no way affects me, and rising gas prices. But now that CBS and Warner Bros. have pulled the plug on the remainder of this season of his show “Two and a Half Men,” things have gotten a lot less funny and a whole lot more serious. After all,

If the show can’t return after this shortened season, it will still have a long life in re-runs and remain a cash cow. Warner Bros. still retains the syndication rights, and the show is watched almost as much in syndication each week as it is in primetime.

“Great would be an understatement,” said one studio insider asked to describe the show’s success, who said the show remains on-track to be a billion-dollar asset for Warner Bros. “This is one of the most successful sitcoms in the history of television.”

I have to admit that I have never watched more than a few minutes of the show. But given the importance of this program to the American economy, it is vitally important that it continue. It “is one of the most successful sitcoms in the history of television.”

It can’t die. Therefore I would like to present some suggestions as to how “Two and a Half Men” can continue its run. [Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, ends & odd by Ricky Sprague
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On Sunday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will present its awards for the year’s “best” cinematic achievements. The Academy Awards is a celebration of success. It’s well worth remembering that for most who live in Hollywood, such success is elusive, and the Academy Awards ceremony offers a distorted view of life in the shadow of the dream factory. The following expose is an unflinching and thought-provoking look at the all-too typical of the experiences of Hollywood denizens.

In a rundown bachelor apartment in Hollywood, there lives a dream. A dream denied and battered, scraping by on memories of might-have-been, at that cold intersection of Loneliness and Possibility, but actually closer to Yucca and Las Palmas, literally speaking. For $750 a month, one man who is the living embodiment of Hollywood watches from his window as the traffic, which is a metaphor for the world at large, passes by.

“They’re heading to Chateau Marmont,” he says, knowingly. His voice is gravelly, with the age that comes from wisdom, of having seen and experienced much in pursuit of that elusive dream of Hollywood fulfillment.

I ask him how he knows this, and he replies, “Because it’s where I’d go, if I had any hope.”

[Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, ends & odd by Ricky Sprague
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10. The only person who saw you naked was the TSA screener

9. You had to eat at home, because of your date’s ankle bracelet

8. Charlie Sheen made you take a number

7. You found out your date “Stephanie” was really “Stephen”

6. The restaurant you went to was determined by the best coupon he had

5. Your ‘date’ was really a Señor Wences-style puppet drawn on your right hand

4. Your boyfriend’s promise of a seven-course meal turned out to be a bowl of corn chips and a six pack

3. Instead of not having sex, you didn’t have sex three times!

2. Because your date gave you “something special” for Valentine’s Day, you’re now taking Valtrex

1. Your husband thought it would be a good time to tell you about his ‘bromance’
 

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10. Although this sonnet’s only ten lines long,

9. And not a sonnet’s needed full fourteen,

8. To call this poem a sonnet would be wrong.

7. So this poem’s dedicated to Maureen.

6. I Love your kindness, wittiness, and grace.

5. I Love the fire burning in your soul.

4. I Love your gorgeous body, lovely face.

3. When we’re together, I at last feel whole.

2. We’ll share Eternal Love, us One together.

1. Or, at the very least, forever endeavor.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd, his & hers, living poetry by Bob Sullivan
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Valentine’s Day is the perfect holiday for showing your significant other just exactly what you feel about her. A special day trip can add an extra element of fun and excitement, and makes a unique gift. It’s also important to explore and support local events and landmarks; it helps you to feel more connected to the place where you live. I thought I would share one of my own experiences in unique gift-giving, from many years ago. I hope it gives you some great ideas on what you can do to make your own Valentine’s Day extra special.

I spent my college days at the University of New Mexico in Albuquerque. My moving out to New Mexico to be with her impressed my girlfriend, but she was rarely impressed by anything else I did.  My gift-giving skills were, she told me, consistently disappointing.  For instance, one Valentine’s Day I cooked her a meal consisting of Smack Ramen and Spam, with conversation hearts floating in Jell-O for desert (I was poor).  The year before, I presented her with a Bullwinkle T-shirt I had won by eating 40 Taco Bell tacos in a month (she gave it back to me).

Well, this particular Valentine’s Day, the one I’m discussing right now, I was determined would be different.

[Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd, his & hers by Ricky Sprague
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10. It’s so cold, Lady Gaga’s charbroiling her meat dress before putting it on

9. It’s so cold, opticians at LensCrafters are giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of glasses

8. It’s so cold, TSA agents are required to put on mittens before fondling you

7. It’s so cold, the Statue of Liberty decided to hold her torch under her robe

6. It’s so cold, Miley Cyrus is lighting her bong just for the warmth

5. It’s so cold, Charlie Rangel was spotted with his hands in his own pockets

4. It’s so cold, yesterday I chipped a tooth on my Cup-a-Soup

3. It’s so cold, Al Gore recently came out in favor of global warming

2. It’s so cold, Glenn Beck has requested he be sent to Hell earlier than scheduled

1. It’s so cold, Brett Favre is just describing his junk to women
 

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Everyone has their routine stops – both actual and virtual – that they make in the course of the day. For me, the latter include a “This Day in History” feature prepared by the New York Times.

During TODAY’s stop I learned of a number of significant events, including one that had a special added note, due to an event that will appear on the feature TOMORROW.
[Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd by Jeff McDonald
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On Monday, I helped an 88-year-old man move a Coca-Cola vending machine from the floor of an industrial warehouse to the back of his pick-up truck. He was buying it for the employees at his scrap metal business in Houston. The owner of the vending machine was out of town, and I had agreed to meet the old man and help.

Alas, I wasn’t much use. I soon discovered that even if I pushed the vending machine very, very hard with my shoulder, it wouldn’t move. Fortunately there was a man across the street with a forklift truck. If he hadn’t been there, the Coke machine would still be standing in the original spot, or perhaps the 88-year-old man and I would be lying under it, two bloody smears on the warehouse floor.

And so the week began with a new discovery: VENDING MACHINES ARE INCREDIBLY HEAVY. Reflecting upon this, I wondered what other things I had learned from Coca-Cola which, like the air we breathe, is a ubiquitous part of modern life.

So: what else has Coke taught me? [Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd, travel & foreign lands by Daniel Kalder
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At this year’s Golden Globe Awards, the comedian and actor Ricky Gervais ruffled a few feathers by performing jokes that were considered by some to be disrespectful. You might think that Mr. Gervais is the only Ricky to have provided entertainment services to members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, but you would be wrong. Once upon a time I, myself, got a taste of entertainment greatness, in a story I shall relate to you now: [Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, ends & odd by Ricky Sprague
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The Exorcist was based on a true story. Did you know that? It’s true – the author of the novel, William Peter Blatty, said so.

It is the electrifying – and true, remember, the author says so – story of an otherwise delightful little girl whose body is taken over by the devil.

The devil is a malevolent supernatural creature who comes from Hell, which is the place where bad people go when they die. He works in direct competition with God, who is good except for all the disease and war that He allows to happen. But that’s a discussion for another time. For right now, just remember that the devil can take over peoples’ bodies.

[Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd, politics & government by Ricky Sprague
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10. You’re just waking up from your 2009 New Year’s Eve party

9. For Dancing With the Stars, you bet your life’s savings on Michael Bolton

8. Both your cholesterol and your children are way too high

7. When the airport’s full-body scanner tried to scan you, the screen cracked

6. You’re still Bernie Madoff

5. You’ve started a brand new week by reading a lame Top Ten list

4. For Christmas, your wife gave you that new STD iPhone app

3. You’re a Democrat

2. You’re not in the top two percent wealthiest Americans

1. You have a pre-existing condition
 

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10. Sharp Objects Potpourri

9. Mr. Wizard’s Home Liposuction Kit

8. Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Pitbulls

7. Lady Gaga Meat Playdress

6. The Highway Trampoline

5. Mattel’s Choking Hazard

4. The Sarah Palin Wind-Up Mama Grizzly

3. Baby’s First Self-Inoculation Kit

2. Owie! – The Jump-Off-The-Roof Game

1. The Underwear Bomber Blow-Up Doll
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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I’m thinking about buying myself a coffee pot. I’ve been resisting doing so, not because of the expense but because I think of coffee drinking as a social event. I live alone, and the idea of getting up in the morning and pouring myself a cup of coffee just has no appeal. To my mind, drinking your AM coffee alone in the kitchen is the first step towards drinking your evening scotch alone in front of a TV. [Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd, technology by Jay Baldwin
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