10. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

9. I for one — but that’s Roman numerals for you!

8. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician, who finally worked it out with a pencil?

7. I was quite young when I learned to count, and it was odd at first, even then.

6. When my math teacher told me I was average, I said, “That’s just mean.”

5. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

4. If I ever get taken in for questioning, I hope there’s no calculus.

3. I heard the government was doing away with Roman numerals, but all I can say is: Not on my watch!

2. A farmer saw that he had 37 cows in his field, but when he rounded them up, he had 40.

1. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender.
 

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10. On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery, so there I was, surrounded by trees and bushes.

9. I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.

8. In school, I wasn’t so much the class clown as the class trapeze artist, because I was always being suspended.

7. My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential, just before he pushed me off the roof.

6. When my math teacher asked me if I understood inequalities, I answered, “More or less.”

5. It’s Groundhog Day, but enough about the school lunch menu.

4. The only thing more dangerous than grizzly bears in our schools is Betsy DeVos.

3. When I went to college, my parents threw a going-away party for me, according to their letter.

2. There are certain things about school that you hate at the time, but would pay good money for later in life — like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.

1. If I’ve learned one thing in life, then the American education system has really let me down.
 

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10. At Least I Can Vote In the Next Election

9. I’ve Had My Fill of Clearasil

8. Give ’Em Enough Grope

7. Hide That Flask and Dance!

6. Journey to the Center of My Pants

5. Goodbye Textbooks! Hello Minimum Wage!

4. Fifty Shades of Bunting

3. 100 Seniors Standing Around a Ballroom Texting

2. Abstinence Makes the Hard Grow Fonder

1. You’re Not In the One Percent, So Why Even Bother
 

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You’re probably hearing more lately about vouchers and what’s called “choice” approaches to schooling. Have your antenna up and look carefully into what these education approaches are about — and what they do to children. [Read more →]

Tags: education, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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Rebecca Schuman’s new memoir is a fast read with a long title: Schadenfreude, A Love Story. Me, the Germans, and 20 Years of Attempted Transformations, Unfortunate Miscommunications, and Humiliating Situations That Only They Have Words For. The book offers an engrossing look at the author’s adventures in the liberal arts, graduate training, and much more. Schuman’s memoir takes us from the Pacific Northwest to college back East, and then on multiple excursions to Germany where she has a chance to be reminded that her literary love, Franz Kafka, wasn’t German even as she immerses herself in a language that bamboozles her in comic, yet thought-provoking, ways. The book grabbed this reader, and I was eager to return to it every chance I got. Toward the end the narrative moves to graduate school and the anguish of an extremely competitive academic job market where we know that well over a hundred applications can greet each new tenured slot, particularly in the humanities. Since completing her PhD and failing to land such a dream job, Rebecca Schuman has built a substantial online readership writing about academia for Slate. More recently, she has returned to Germany as a subject “in the accusative case” in spunky columns at The Awl. In the middle of Schadenfreude, it occurred to me that it would be fun to interview Rebecca Schuman, and the author was kind enough to respond to these questions. [Read more →]

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In 2016, I was lucky enough to have a second novel slip out of the apartment and onto a publisher’s list. Here’s an excerpt you’re welcome to share and enjoy. If it leads to a few sales, I’m grateful; if it doesn’t I won’t sulk. Or, not in public anyway.

from Auggie’s Revenge, chapter 9, “Uncle Sam’s Blood Money”:

But the thought of murder, like most others, drifted away, and I resumed my daily grind. Taking attendance and grading papers. Designing lessons. Lecture or discussion. In class, expounding upon the poverty of philosophy, or at the very least the philosophy of my poverty. Making a jackass of myself in front of undergrads so certain they wouldn’t wind up like the sloppy joker in front of the room.

One afternoon while strolling to the street corner after classes, in the middle of my muddled thoughts on philosophy, Auggie, humanity, murder, et al., I spied a thick wad of bills. [Read more →]

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Recently, I gave a talk at a high school about how college students today are learning online and with ed tech in general. The audience was parents, and it was interesting to hear how they perceived the learning their children were doing in front of/with a computer and how they felt about it. [Read more →]

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My wife and I have been attending back-to-school nights for 13 years. Even though our youngest is in middle school and we have two high schoolers and know the routine, we feel a sense of duty to attend and support our kids and their teachers. This year, as I listened to each teacher’s energetic welcome and course description, I was really struck with the scrutiny today’s teachers are under. [Read more →]

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10. There’s only one ‘L’ in ‘COLEGE’

9. All the professors are on some sort of work release program

8. The photo on the cover of the campus brochure is a shot of Kim Kardashian’s ass

7. The college insists that you pay your tuition up front, in cash, no large bills

6. When you ask if the college is well endowed, the school president pulls down his zipper

5. The school’s Latin motto is “Non Impediti Ratione Cogitationis” (“Unencumbered by the Thought Process”)

4. Sociology professor + Groucho glasses = Calculus professor

3. The dean is being followed by a crew from 60 Minutes

2. Instead of the S.A.T., you just have to pass a urine test

1. It’s Trump University
 

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Grade inflation is a popular topic (at least on Google, where the term gives you a quarter million+ hits). A recent article in Inside Higher Ed titled “Grade Inflation, Higher and Higher” examined again a subject that seems to annoy almost everyone. [Read more →]

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Can you dunk a basketball? If not, you are below expectations, because my expectation is that you should be able to. I don’t care if you’re short or are a great soccer player. I don’t care that there aren’t b-ball hoops in your neighborhood. You better find a dunking-specific coach and get to work. And so we have the PARCC test and its mysterious expectations. Yet the New Jersey State Board of Education still recently voted 6-0-1 to make PARCC a graduation requirement by 2020. [Read more →]

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It’s summer, and I’m just back from vacation and scraping off some rust. In the spirit of summer reruns (who’s reading now anyway?), I wanted to re”publish” an old piece this week. Observing some activities of late on the political front, I remembered an article I wrote a decade ago that I think works well for my throwback purposes, or at least provides relevant context for my effort to get around writerly laziness. So, here, reprinted in full, is an August 2006 piece from Academic Exchange Extra about Trump University. (Note: This runs long and even comes with citations. Note: It’s not political.)

[Read more →]

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10. He advises the females in the auditorium to take Home Economics ’cause “nummers is hard!”

9. His claim to fame: he’s the surviving member of Milli Vanilli

8. Her speech is 90 minutes of “Knock Knock” jokes

7. He’s a Goldman Sachs V.P. who claims he can triple your graduation gift money in three months

6. She goes off on a rant about “the great left-wing liberal socialist conspiracy”

5. After applying lipstick to the edges of his thumb and index finger, he lets the entire speech be delivered by ‘Mr. Hand’

4. He’s Obama, just not the Obama

3. He once gave a four-hour TED talk, about Ted Danson

2. He’s wearing his cap, but forgot his gown

1. First name ‘Donald’, last name ‘Trump’
 

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10. Moon Over Gitmo

9. Give ’Em Enough Grope

8. Hide Your Flask and Dance!

7. Memories To Last An Evening

6. It’s All Downhill From Here

5. How to Fake an I.D.

4. 100 Seniors Standing Around a Ballroom Texting

3. Fifty Shades of Bunting

2. Abstinence Makes the Fond Grow Harder

1. The Republican National Convention
 

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Students out there, if you are slogging away in preparation for yet another standardized test, yet another battle against the machines of education, hoping some caped crusader would fight for you, would champion your cause, you need look no further than former MIT writing professor Les Perelman. [Read more →]

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So what kind of magical thing will happen to you at college? What mysterious formula will make it all worthwhile? [Read more →]

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Dear South Jersey Magazine,
On the cover of volume 12: issue 6, you trumpet that one of your stories is a “2015 Public High School Report Card.” With this letter, I ask that you reconsider how you represent public schools in your annual “Report Card” feature. [Read more →]

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10. Its Latin motto is actually written in Pig Latin

9. They ask you to pay your entire tuition “in cash, up front, in small bills”

8. In the Jeopardy College Championship, your college had its ass handed to it by Hamburger U

7. Your grade is based on how much you tip your professor

6. There’s only one ‘L’ in ‘COLEGE’

5. When you asked if the school was well endowed, the school president pulled down his zipper

4. The photo on the cover of the college catalogue is of Donald Trump

3. All the books in the library are written by L. Ron Hubbard

2. The only place it advertises is Craigslist

1. The valedictorian is a monkey that knows sign language
 

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10. Amish Microwave Cooking

9. Synchronized Twerking

8. Creative Reading

7. Ethics in Politics

6. Fart History

5. Ogling

4. The Macarena

3. Telegraph Repairman

2. Yodeling

1. The Wit & Wisdom of Jeb Bush
 

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Have you heard about “trigger warnings”? Trigger warnings, as defined in this great September Atlantic piece, “The Coddling of the American Mind,” are “alerts that professors are expected to issue if something in a course might cause a strong emotional response.” [Read more →]

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