Dear Ruby,
I have married into a cancelling family. The women in my husband’s family cancel things all the time. They don’t even bother to make excuses sometimes. His sister will say, “Something came up,” or “We just couldn’t make it.”

I didn’t mind this so much before we all had children, but now my kids are constantly disappointed that they won’t be seeing their cousins after all, or that Grandma changed her mind about going to the mall. How do you deal with mind-changers without starting a family feud?

Sincerely, Just-Do-It Joelle

[Read more →]

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby,
An old friend friended me on Facebook recently and we emailed back and forth a few times. I was really excited to be back in touch until I realized that he believes in all kinds of crackpot 9/11 theories and now he is sending me links to videos and websites that I have no interest in. How do I get out of this relationship? I used to like him and agree with him on a lot of topics, but now I’m so turned off that I just cringe when I see new emails from him.

Sincerely, Defriend Me! [Read more →]

Tags: advice, black helicopter watch by Ruby Mac
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Graduations, weddings, birthdays, mother’s/father’s days, presents for teachers — spring seems to be the same thing as ka-ching at our house.

Here’s this month’s excellent tip to meet your social gifting obligations and still have a few bucks left over for summer:

The Art Photo

What’s their thing? Monopoly™? Karaoke? Ford Rangers? Power Rangers? Did they meet cute at a local bar, or does he dearly love a certain pinball machine? Will she only listen to public radio, or whale songs, or white noise, or Suzy Quattro?

[Read more →]

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby,

I work for a large company and I’ve gotten friendly with a woman in another department who’s in the lunchroom when I am. I suspect she’s a lesbian and I’m a straight woman, so I want to let her know that a) her orientation is not a problem with me, and b) I’m not interested in romance but I am interested in having her be my friend. She has not said anything specifically so I am wondering how to bring it up. I think it’s a pretty friendly place to work for gay people so I’m not sure if she’s in the closet just to me or everyone. Any tips to break the ice?

Straight but not narrow

[Read more →]

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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The study is out and the facts are in. Nearly 80% of a sampling of women surveyed in the UK (as stressed and recessed as anywhere else economically) admitted that they would still “splurge to cheer themselves up.”

According to Karen Pine, a University of Hertfordshire professor and author of “Sheconomics” (and soon-to-be-nominee for Author of Most Dumbass Title of the Year Award), “This type of spending, or compensatory consumption, serves as a way of regulating intense emotions.” [Read more →]

Tags: advice, money by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby,

I’m graduating from college this spring. My dad has always said that he would buy me a car when I graduated from college and he’s really excited about it and wants to go looking at cars with me. The problem is that I plan to move to a non-car-friendly city after graduation and I’d much rather have the money than the car. But he’s talked about this for so long and he’s so excited about it that I can’t say no. I kind of brought it up with my mom and she just said to make sure it’s a car I like. Any advice?

Bad Daughter in Boston

[Read more →]

Tags: advice, family & parenting by Ruby Mac
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We have woodchucks.

I see them everywhere lately, rootling around in the the grass. It must be some sort of seven-year cycle or something. On Tuesday, driving home down a busy stretch alongside a vast trainyard in our utterly urban part of town, I counted four groundhogs (one on his hindlegs looking like an upended meatloaf), as well as a coal-black squirrel, a bunny, and a dead mallard in the grassy boulevard (the only casualty). [Read more →]

Tags: advice, family & parenting by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby,
My girlfriend and I are planning our first road trip together with her 6 year old daughter. I like kids, but the only thing I know about them is based on me at that age. What do I do to keep her little girl occupied in the car all that time? I used to play with Matchbox cars and Legos, but from what I gather she’s not so into that stuff. I want to surprise and impress my girlfriend and keep us all happy without stopping in every town for a new Barbie.

Fun Uncle Paul

P.S. There’s going to be about 8-10 hours of driving each day for at least 2 days and we do have a portable DVD player. [Read more →]

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby,

This girl I asked out a couple of months ago — who turned me down — lavishly praised my latest creative effort on my blog. Why do people continue to show interest in someone they rejected? Is it because they want the attention or is it just a compliment and I should forget about it?

Getting Mixed Signals

[Read more →]

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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The recession has likely affected you in one of two ways. You’re either in Prey mode, hunkered down at your work station hoping, like a frozen rabbit, that no one sees you. Or, you’re hunkered down at home, living off your unemployment, and fairly certain that no one sees you. This may not work, but it’s not a bad plan.

Or, you’re in Proactive mode, absorbing the responsibilities of 4 laid-off colleagues and trying to figure out a thousand other ways to make yourself indispensable. If you’re home and laid off, you’re doing a similar thing with your multiple resume drafts, trying to jam eight great employees into one human.

Stop it.

[Read more →]

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby,
At work, I often bring treats and snacks to share. I always offer some to “Joan” who works next to me in the cubicles. She never takes even one bite of what I offer her, not even to be polite. When should I stop offering my treats to her?
“Jackie”

[Read more →]

Tags: advice, diatribes by Ruby Mac
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I’m slowly getting sucked into Facebook and I’m beginning to suspect that it’s a cult. First, they want to know way too much about me. Like, what I listen to and what I read and which movies I like best. They want details about me I didn’t know I had (I’m apparently somehow just like Judy Garland and yet also a Ren Faire dork) — which makes me want to stay up all night telling them and ignoring my family and buying weird things from the ads down the sides. Creepy attention, sleep deprivation, isolation, handing over money — the only thing different from a cult is that Facebook has crappy singalongs. [Read more →]

Tags: advice, technology by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby,
All my life I’ve been a bit of a dreamer.  You know, places to go, people to meet, and new careers upon which to embark. While I was married, with a young son, I mostly kept the dreams at bay with occasional small indulgences like becoming a painter for a year. Now in my mid-40’s I am starting to wonder if it is reasonable to still be a dreamer, let alone to actually pursue one. Being divorced I no longer have a family to support, nor any reason to stay where I am or to do what I am doing. I feel the huge wide world constantly beckoning but worry where I will be in 20 years. Is it time to stop dreaming, grow up, and plant some roots?

Anonymous

[Read more →]

Tags: advice, all work by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby,
I’m unemployed, but looking, and I’m doing okay with unemployment and my savings. I’m a single guy who’s always lived within his means, so I know I’ll survive until I find something. Even though I didn’t do anything wrong and I know there are so many people in the same boat, I don’t know if I should date. It’s like I shouldn’t even ask if I have to be cheap about it. My friends are split down the middle — half say to wait until I’m working (which could be months) and half say go ahead and ask. If I ask someone out for a low-budget date, am I a loser?

Sincerely, Dateless in Depression [Read more →]

Tags: advice, all work by Ruby Mac
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Do you remember that point your parents reached when they suddenly stopped being able to dance? I mean they could still do the steps — of the Jitterbug or the Lindy or whatever it was they did, but something had tipped — was it you? Was it just your embarrassment, or did something stop working? Suddenly, even when they were just tapping their feet, the hair stood up on the back of your neck. You were desperate for them to stop.

I’m asking because I’m pretty sure I’ve hit that point. I was trying to josh around in the car with my teenage son during that magnificent dance song, Let’s Groove by Earth, Wind and Fire, and I went into my trademark car seat boogie (a daily occurrence), and it felt all wrong. Just wrong. I pointed my finger — like who? John Travolta? What was that? — and I was doing some sort of Egyptian maneuver with my head that, let’s face it, I’ve never been able to do well, even at 19. Tonight in the Tahoe, in one regrettable funkectomy, it all fell away from me. Every sad little ember of dance floor mojo, gone. I embarrassed myself. [Read more →]

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby,
We’re watching the family budget pretty closely these days and it’s getting mighty boring. I’d like to add a 2nd dog to the family to spice things up a bit, but my husband’s against it because of the added expense. I say it will add some fun to the kids’ lives and ours, especially since we’ve discontinued most other outside entertainment that involves money. At least, it will get us away from the TV. What do you think?

Sincerely, Not an Empty Nest

Dear Empty,

You’re not an empty-nester yet, but you can smell it, can’t you? It smells like puppy feet.

Something happens to certain women of a certain age — they start looking at cute mutts like they used to look at babies, and before that at Chippendales, and before that at Leif Garrett. They really, really want one. Before they know it, they’re emotionally fraught, cutting pictures out of magazines, haunting the Petfinder site, pulling over to look at other people’s dogs . . . Way. Too. Long. It’s the damnedest thing. Who knows which hormones can be blamed for dog lust?

When you think about it, though, it’s really a pretty practical and serious commitment. You only have a baby for a few sweet months. Husbands aren’t always forever, either. And, these days, what would you do with Leif Garrett or a Chippendale if you had them — besides update your Hepatitis vaccine?

No, dogs are the real deal. Let’s figure out how to get you one. [Read more →]

Tags: advice, animals by Ruby Mac
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With our coinpurses clutched ever tighter in our sweaty fists, Valentine’s Day is shaping up to be a little, well, limp, this year.

Lots of romance-related industries are feeling the pain — wine shops, restaurants, hotels, travel. Long thought to be recession-proof, even the adult entertainment industry is down, according to an article on Newsvine. Where’s the love?

At my house, we’re having a Valentine’s Day dinner party for 6, which is great for my guests, but it cost me $20 for a bag of shrimp and another $20 for a chocolate cake. What the hell? Of course, the cake was my idea and, obviously, it was a necessity because truffles are involved. It’s still cheaper than a dozen roses, but damn, the days of la-dee-dah boxes of Godiva and wild orchids are over, baby. It’s cake or candy or flowers. And maybe it’s a cupcake and nothing. Or a pancake. Things are tough all over. My husband could spit nails.

But, instead he’s working on his new passion, which is homemade pasta. Flour, egg, salt. Hours of entertainment + dinner. The kids get to turn the crank, mom gets linguine with butter, and my husband (He Who Cares Not a Whit for Mitre Saws) has Thursday night something to do that doesn’t cost hardly any damn money. I let him go crazy with the mascarpone from time to time, but it’s really not expensive. The pasta machine itself was not free, but there are a hundred on eBay for less than $50. Close to a hundred. Chances are you know some couple with one in their garage, a wedding gift that’s never been used.

Me? I bake. But, I’m always sneaking in whole grains, so my stuff is not always wildly popular in the house. But I found this recipe for an Italian boule bread that you supposedly can keep as dough in the fridge and whip out and bake whenever you want hot bread. And when do you not want hot bread? When you’re asleep? Even then.

It works. There’s nothing tricky about it. I’m too much of a novice to mess with the recipe by adding flax or oats or anything, so it’s just a muy crusty white frenchy hot loaf of carbs. It goes great with the homemade ravioli, with chili, with Kraft macaroni and cheese, with Ramen noodles, as low as you want to go. Bake a loaf with your stone soup, every day this week. If you don’t have a pizza stone, go buy a big unglazed ceramic tile from the hardware store discontinued pile, and use a smallish wood cutting board for a pizza peel. No kneading — honest. You can eat the first loaf the same day you make it if you give yourself a 5-6 hour headstart for the rising and stuff.  http://www.motherearthnews.com/Real-Food/Artisan-Bread-In-Five-Minutes-A-Day.aspx

Mother Earth has some good stuff in it, if you skip over the churning butter and gelding piglets. But, as you can expect, there isn’t much in there about skanking up your sex life on Valentine’s Day for ten bucks or less.

For that, you go to Ruby. And my solution here to the problem posed in the title? Red Vines, bags and bags of them. Figure it out. Hope it takes all night.

Later, after the lovin’, write me in great detail about something else. Something PG or PG-13. Or just a little R. Okay, tell me everything. It’ll be good to get it off your chest.

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby,
My wife and I still have our jobs, but we’re putting in longer hours. I used to get home and help my daughter with her homework, but now sometimes it’s too late, and her math grades are starting to slip a little. She’s old enough to stay home alone, but school is hard for her and I think she gets frustrated and just blows through it so she can watch TV. I can’t spend too much time on the phone with her after school either, and right now there’s no money for a tutor. Can you help us get her through the rest of the school year?

Thanks, Tony

Tony,
As a former latchkey kid, I look back fondly on the hours I spent between 3 and 6, making popcorn and chocolate milk, watching M.A.S.H., doing my homework, losing my virginity. Good times. But then again, I did flunk algebra.

Every time a parent gets busier doing non-parent stuff, it’s necessary to ramp up the organizing. A few steps should make you feel more on top of this situation.

1. Call her teacher(s), especially for classes she has a hard time with and explain your situation. Would he/she send you an email alert if homework quality dips below a certain level? How about a promise to send all graded work home on Fridays? 
2. Create an after-school schedule. Snack, homework, chore, playtime. If you know what she’s doing and when, maybe that’s when you can schedule a productive 15 minute phone call and get caught up. 
3. Check homework when you do get home, with or without her. Don’t correct it, but make a few notes to yourself on what’s happening and whether she’s getting it.

None of this solves the actual doing of homework, but today’s kids have a few more options than I did. For example, on YouTube you can watch adorable puppies and gory skateboard accidents AND you can learn how to divide fractions. Some nice person out there makes these extremely useful math videos that not only help your child, but they’re a great face-saving tool for adults who couldn’t do 5th grade math if you held a gun to their heads. There are a million links out there to free worksheets, free tutorials, free quizzes, and free homework hotlines, even.

So, hook her up with some of these. You’ll have to trust her online, so set up some rules and post them by the computer. For best results, tell her you can find out everything she views online, whether it’s true or not. And then,

4. Give up a little bit of weekend. After a good breakfast, bring the daughter and her previous week’s homework to a quiet coffee shop where you can spend 1 or 2 hours away from the laundry and the football game and everything else you want to do during your precious little time at home. It shouldn’t cost more than a coffee and a Coke and may end up being some of your favorite memories.

By the way, this is advice for a kid who just needs some extra help, not a kid who needs a diagnosis. If there’s more going on here than your coaching can fix, then ask her teacher or pediatrician and maybe start checking out sites for this sort of thing, like Mel Levine’s All Kinds of Minds website.

Good luck, Tony, and if your jobs seem pretty secure, maybe think about that tutor. There are lots of families out there that could use a little extra income.

The rest of you? Write Ruby. What else? 

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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I was almost late posting this column because I had to make a mouse out of a cashmere hooded sweater and two pipe cleaners.

I hate this part of parenting — the part with safety pins, bobby pins, boiled felt, and Elmer’s glue. But, it did remind me of how I quit smoking. Once again, I called on my inner sloth — so easy to do in the crotch of winter — and he helpfully deflated my gumption to go out.

Tonight, when informed through tears that upon her arrival at school tomorrow morning (at 7:50 a.m.) my youngest must be a recognizable rodent, I knew the options could not involve going out. That there is a 24-hour Wal-Mart 11 blocks away must not figure into my decision-making. A mouse would be made, out of dryer lint and Hershey’s Kisses wrappers if necessary, but without leaving.

Similarly, when I was 27 and breaking up with a longtime partner and smoking a pack and a half of Marlboro Lights a day, I didn’t ask that useless asshole, my Willpower, to help out. I went straight to my potato soul and he didn’t let me down. To this day, I only smoke when really, really necessary, no more than a few times a year. Willpower had nothing to do with it. It was pure laziness, the laziness of the prairie tundra. I lived across the street from a 7-11 at the time, but it was cold out and there were stairs. My laziness can beat up your honor student, any time.

I wonder how they do it — or don’t do it — somewhere like California, where there’s no excuse not to go out into the mild night, when it’s even kind of nice to feel the soft warmish air, where you could run in your pajamas to your car and drive barefoot to the store and not have to be chipped out of your driver’s seat later by hordes of uniformed people bundled up and leaking steam like something out of E.T. How do you quit anything when everything’s so easy to obtain? In the time it takes me to get psyched, get dressed and warm up the car to buy a gallon of milk, somebody in California can buy a pound of crack, smoke it, do some Pilates, have unsafe sex with someone unsuitable, and work on their screenplay for half an hour.

So, I stay here. I make some unsightly dents in my cashmere sweater and I use every safety pin in the house and I write my column after all because my desire to be warm and inside has never let me down yet.  I saved 8 bucks tonight easy due to pure unwillingness to be shod.

Maybe you’re asking the wrong inner voice to help you out. Virtue is fine, but sometimes a good vice can keep you off the streets and out of your wallet, too.

Stay warm. Write more.

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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Dear Ruby Mac,
Did you ever see the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry David used a death in the family to cancel every social obligation on his calendar? I envied the genius of this, but now have an obligation-cancelling device of my own. I have been plagued with a bad back and while through intense physical therapy and regular exercise I’m getting slowly better, I have found that my condition is the perfect excuse to get out of things.

I no longer have to help people move as heavy lifting is forbidden. Travel to see friends, go catch a game, or get together for a card game? Sorry, if I sit more than sixty minutes without stretching and applying ice packs to my back I’m in for some seriously nagging pain.

The question is: As the doctor assures me that some day I will feel much better, how long after that can I milk this bad back excuse for escaping social obligations?

The Chronic

Dear The Chronic,

The answer is, “Until they catch on,” which means Never. That’s not enough for a column, however, so Ruby will have to expound.

As with the last shy person I bailed out, I fully support your desire to avoid socializing. You need face time like a kangaroo rat needs Evian. So, you’ve developed a very useful condition.

Here’s what I’ve seen people with bad backs get:

• the bulkhead
• rides on airport carts
• out of shoveling
• partner on top all the time
• the good chair
• the expensive mattress
• all the drugs leftover from the last minor surgery
• fawning attention and sympathy and massages
• get-out-of-activity-free passes galore

To milk these and other benefits, you hardly have to do anything because everybody knows that people with bad backs can feel good one minute and be writhing on the floor in pain the next. So, just whip it out whenever you feel like it.

And, you deserve it, because people can’t see your agony and don’t always believe you even though it hurts like hell and sometimes never stops until you want to blow your brains out. So, TC, although I do hope the real pain stops for you soon, play your cards right and the imaginary pain never has to.

Suffering in silence? Tell Ruby where it hurts.

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
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