I’m slowly getting sucked into Facebook and I’m beginning to suspect that it’s a cult. First, they want to know way too much about me. Like, what I listen to and what I read and which movies I like best. They want details about me I didn’t know I had (I’m apparently somehow just like Judy Garland and yet also a Ren Faire dork) — which makes me want to stay up all night telling them and ignoring my family and buying weird things from the ads down the sides. Creepy attention, sleep deprivation, isolation, handing over money — the only thing different from a cult is that Facebook has crappy singalongs.

But all those opportunities to explore me, me, me, have struck a chord, well, in me. In the old days, all we had were horoscopes, Chinese placemats and pop psychology paperbacks to explore our inner self. Except for the occasional unsatisfying probe in high school or treatment or therapy, no one plumbed very deeply into our bottomless souls. And now — now that we’re underemployed or unemployed or employed-but-covered-in-a-greasy-gray-film-of-desperation — it’s practically a necessity to take numerous online personality tests and find out exactly what is hiding in those depths so that it can be brought to climactic fruition in the destiny around the corner of this crappy post-winter econopocalypse.

Anyway, it’s something free to do.

Facebook kicks off your flirtation with narcissism by throwing all those cute quizzes at you, but ultimately it disappoints. You eventually realize that everyone is going to be told to move to Seattle (Which City Should You Live In?) and that knowing one’s aura color is not proveable or even slightly useful. No, for a really deep dive into your inner core, to achieve true and lasting self-intimacy without having to erase your internet history and all the temp files and maybe wash your keyboard, you have to go outside Facebook.

Here’s what I learned and where I learned it:

1. If I had a personality disorder — and I’m not saying I do — I’d be schizoid. It was a little startling to read that, but I’ve made my peace with it. Better than the rest of you “borderline” freaks. (www.similarminds.com)
2. One test claimed that I “probably have a messy desk!” Actually, I don’t, thanks to a couple of very expensive 7 Habits of Highly Effective People weekends my company sent me on, back when we had money. But, I guess you never can outrun the messy desk in your head. (www.outofservice.com/bigfive/)
3. According to ColorQuiz.com, someone who scored exactly like me could be described as “lazy when it comes to further [sic] herself or her career and lacks the ambition to change things. Does not like to put to [sic] much effort into things, except sexual activity.” I know this is wildly inaccurate because not only is the test report full of lame typographical errors but, frankly, I’m lazy everywhere, if you know what I mean.

There’s more, so much more, out there, and it’s all about me. Or you, yeah, I guess you, too. That’s right, you, the reader. Did you want something? What did you want, again? A question? Oops, we’re out of space. See you next week.

*Oh, and if you want a weird but impressive title like the titles in the title of this article, visit http://www.keirsey.com/ and get your temperament sorted.

Advice for the Rest of us appears every Friday. Ask Ruby your question, especially if it’s secretly about her!

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