Things Coca Cola has taught me

Things Coca Cola has taught me

Posted on January 24th, 2011 by Daniel Kalder

On Monday, I helped an 88-year-old man move a Coca-Cola vending machine from the floor of an industrial warehouse to the back of his pick-up truck. He was buying it for the employees at his scrap metal business in Houston. The owner of the vending machine was out of town, and I had agreed to meet the old man and help.

Alas, I wasn’t much use. I soon discovered that even if I pushed the vending machine very, very hard with my shoulder, it wouldn’t move. Fortunately there was a man across the street with a forklift truck. If he hadn’t been there, the Coke machine would still be standing in the original spot, or perhaps the 88-year-old man and I would be lying under it, two bloody smears on the warehouse floor.

And so the week began with a new discovery: VENDING MACHINES ARE INCREDIBLY HEAVY. Reflecting upon this, I wondered what other things I had learned from Coca-Cola which, like the air we breathe, is a ubiquitous part of modern life.

So: what else has Coke taught me?

Well, the first thing that leaps to mind is that too much Coke will decalcify your teeth and bones, which is a bigger health threat than tooth decay. I can’t remember the exact science, but it’s something to do with phosphene or phosphate or phos-something in the Coke, which displaces the calcium in your bones, which in turn makes them brittle. Or something. My dentist told me about it years ago, when he noticed creeping decalcification in my front teeth. Terrified, I immediately cut back on my Coca-Cola consumption which had reached epic proportions in my early 20s as I overcompensated for a mostly Coke free childhood (I come from a large family, and fizzy drinks were regarded as a rare and expensive luxury).

Another thing I have learned from Coca-Cola is that people will attack it in order to protect a national identity which they feel is under attack. I discovered this in my early years in Moscow, when many Russians swore to me that they never drank Coca-Cola. “Disgusting American drink” they’d say, “So sickly sweet!” I knew this was a lie however as Coca-Cola was everywhere, in all the kiosks and shops, and every time I visited a Russian party there was usually a bottle on offer, along with all the vodka and cucumbers. And if Russians truly hated sugary drinks, then why were the indigenous alternatives, such as Tarkhun, or Buratino, no less sickly?

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Daniel Kalder

Daniel Kalder is an author and journalist originally from Scotland, who currently resides in Texas after a ten year stint in the former USSR. Visit him online at www.danielkalder.com