I’ve seen both Iron Man movies and for the most part liked them — any films where Gwyneth Paltrow does not annoy the hell out of me deserve respect — but even by superhero blockbuster standards they are impressively implausible. In no particular order, things about the Iron Men that just don’t track:

1. In the original, Jeff Bridges arranges to kill Robert Downey, Jr. in Afghanistan because…why? To this point Downey has taken no interest in the company beyond occasionally inventing things that earn it gazillions of dollars. (It’s only after the near-death experience he loses interest in weapons.) I don’t care how evil you are: this is not sound corporate policy.

2. How the hell does Bridges learn to fly his suit so well in five minutes, when it took Downey the whole film? Does Tony Starks just have lousy hand-eye coordination?

3. In the sequel, the coolest scene by far is when Mickey Rourke shows up in Monaco and starts destroying cars with his electric whips. All well and good, but after he’s wreaked havoc for several minutes why doesn’t someone shoot him in his utterly unprotected face already? Or at least throw a rock at him or something?

4. Did anyone tell Jon Favreau, “You do realize bodyguards usually are muscular and not chubby, right?”

5. Who would invest in a company fronted by Sam Rockwell? The man dances in public. Does Warren Buffett shuffle off to Buffalo? Even frickin’ Donald Trump doesn’t bust out the soft shoe.

6. Related to this, if you had a Russian who survived their prison system for years and has shown himself to be an unstoppable killing machine, would you really make a point of pissing him off and leaving him alone with just two guards without at least telling the rest of your security team, “Hey, be on guard — I was messing with his bird”?

7. When Iron Man and a dude dressed all in black with an eye patch show up at a restaurant and request a booth, shouldn’t this draw a few gawkers?

8. Considering the amount of missiles launched and fires started and robots self-detonating, doesn’t Stark Expo look oddly intact at the end of the film, like the producers realized they couldn’t afford as many CGI rubble effects as expected?

9. Are we really one guy in a flying metal suit away from a temporary outbreak of world peace? Because we already invented the bomb — which would seem a true inducement for people to behave themselves — and that accomplished nothing.

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