Post holiday tale: Quest for the Bagel Slicer

Scott Warnock,

This year’s holiday quest
Ranked neither naughtier nor nicer—
I simply wished to buy my wife
A humble bagel slicer.

“What could be easier,” thought I,
With a confident Christmas laugh,
“Than to find that mundane item
That cuts your bread in half?”

In the spirit of the season,
Out I ventured to the stores.
The holidays don’t grate on me–
I like strolling the mall’s floors.

But something unmagical occurred
As I went from shop to shop.
No bagel slicer could I find,
Despite my many stops.

Oh, I found tools for grating, chopping,
Liquidating, dicing, icing.
But nowhere could I seem to find
A device for bagel slicing.

Sure, I could zest some lemons,
Squeeze juice from silly limes–
Mist oil? Check. Cut grapes? Indeed.
But no bagel slicer could I find!?

Decapitate some broccoli!
Carefully measure out some tea.
Cleave tomatoes, mash potatoes—
What was happening to me!

I began to think I was the butt
Of some cruel anti-Santa joke:
Victim of the bagel slicer buy-out
By a Grinchy miser of a bloke.

I went to five stores, ten, then fifteen,
Enlisted shoppers much more able,
But I began to concede my wife
Would must hand slice her Christmas bagels.

Then rambling through South Jersey I saw—
A restaurant supply store!
“You don’t need to be a member!”
Cried the cheery fellow at the door.

I asked the manager in small voice,
“A bagel slicer—please, good sir?”
With a merry laugh he pointed,
And my goodness, there they were!

Bagel slicers stacked up all neatly
Both in metal and in plastic.
The amused cashier had never seen
A patron who found them so fantastic!

I’ve relayed my tale to many folks—
They sputter, “Yo dummy: Amazon!”
But they don’t seem to understand
That would have ruined all the fun.

Because on Christmas morning,
Hearing my wife’s bagel-slicing Splat!
I bragged to all those near me,
“Oh, the work I did for her to find that!”

Scott Warnock

Scott Warnock is a writer and teacher who lives in South Jersey. He is a professor of English at Drexel University, where he is also the Associate Dean of Undergraduate Education in the College of Arts and Sciences. Father of three and husband of one, Scott is president of a local high school education foundation and spent many years coaching youth sports.
ends & odd