Tale of the tub

Sue Gregson,

I have a tub. It’s the best bathtub in the world. Probably in the universe. Friends come from miles around to see my tub. But I want it to sparkle, to shine. My pals at Don’t Panic Industrial Coatings say I should coat my tub in their proprietary American Flag Blue. It will capture the light and make the water in my tub worthy of mermaids. Clyde is coming to coat the tub.

Karen owns Slimewater Solutions and bought me dinner last night. I told her about my tub and Don’t Panic’s plan. She told me that’s a good start, but I need to make sure my water is perfectly clean so it stays perfectly clear and the water can sparkle. After all it’s what mermaids deserve and I’m the Mermaid Queen, damn it. Karen promised to install a proprietary filter to make my water clean and sparkly.

Clyde coated my tub. It looked awesome. Karen installed her super filter and my water sparkled. Until it didn’t, about a day later. The water looked a little green around the gills, er filters. And when I stepped in the tub, Clyde’s coating peeled up with my feet. He said that’s because real mermaids don’t have feet. Clyde can bite me.

Today my water is so green my asshole neighbor Tim said it looked like the avocado green fridges from the ’70s. The ’70s were a good decade, maybe green isn’t so bad. My friend Stephen says it’s all good. Green’s the color of money. Now if I could just get people out of my glorious bathroom. They’re singing, “It ain’t easy being green.”

Sue Gregson

Sue Gregson is a business writer and kids’ book author who used to work for the Delaware and Maryland state governments in the education, legislative, affordable housing, and community development arenas. She’s volunteered for federal, state, and local political campaigns for nearly 50 years. Sue is not growing old gracefully.

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