I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. MCMVII: The Emperor now feels compelled to ban the use of a word. Sadly, there are those who use this word properly and in moderation, but he sees no other way than to banish the utterance of the word for no less than an entire decade, in order to stop the offenders. The word is: “amazing.” If the Emperor has to hear one more twenty-something describe her night, her trip to New York or her boyfriend as “ameezing” —  it is always pronounced this way — he might crack into Imperial shards. If one more vocabulary-deprived young fop in a television interview goes on a babbling, ineffectual journey through the forest of inanity to “describe” what an “ameezing” experience it was to meet so many “ameezing” people and do so many “ameezing” things, the royal skull might just implode. Further, preceding the word with “sooo” (drenched in an affected, see-sawey, imitative cadence) is now no longer allowed. In fact, it will only condemn the offender to deeper misery.

The Punishment: Utterers of the banned word will be chained in a great, high-vaulted and sonorous cathedral full of teenagers. The teenagers will all be talking about arguments they got into with their significant others during the previous night. They will rant, non-stop, in myriad, reverberating cackles until the Emperor’s “ameezing” ban is lifted. Which will be never. Let the fools drown in an eternity of “whatEVER” and “REEELLY?” and “no he didn’t” — let them drown, I say, in great waves of marble-reflected, nasal susurrations!

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...

Latest posts by Chris Matarazzo (Posts)

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• The Emperor decrees that all official documents will be printed in Comic Sans - March 24, 2015
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