If Starbucks made literature happily ever after

Scott Stein,

The Trial by Franz Kafka

“And that’s when the judge arrived and took the knife. He said, ‘Sorry about the mix-up, K., we just realized you’re innocent. Truly innocent. You’re free to go enjoy your life without feeling any guilt or shame. But first, you need to sign this waiver saying you won’t sue. And to compensate you for any inconvenience, please accept this voucher for a free coffee at Starbucks.’”

 

Hamlet by William Shakespeare

[Hamlet’s father enters stage right]

Hamlet’s Father: It turns out I wasn’t murdered after all. It was just a misunderstanding, like on Three’s Company. And Ophelia is fine, too. Now put down those swords and that poison. There’s no need for everyone to die. Let’s all go get lattes at Starbucks and talk through our differences.

 

The Awakening by Kate Chopin

“How strange and awful it seemed to stand naked under the sky! how delicious! She felt like some new-born creature, opening its eyes in a familiar world that it had never known. Then she realized she didn’t feel like swimming after all and got dressed and headed to the local Starbucks to plan her new life while drinking a Decaf Pike Place Roast.”

 

Moby Dick by Herman Melville

“Captain Ahab said, ‘I’m giving up chasing Moby Dick. Perhaps I will take up knitting instead. Or collecting stamps. Yes, that’s it: stamps. The Inverted Jenny will be my new white whale. Starbuck, let us celebrate this new quest with a round of espresso shots.’”

 

Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett

Estragon: Well, shall we go?

Vladimir: Yes, let’s go.

They walk to a nearby Starbucks and enjoy delicious Mocha Frappuccinos.

Scott Stein

Scott Stein's most recent novels are The Great American Deception, which received a starred review from Publishers Weekly, and The Great American Betrayal, which Vulture.com named one of "The Best Comedy Books of 2022." His older novels are Lost and Mean Martin Manning and his short satire and fiction have been published in The Oxford University Press Humor Reader, McSweeney's,The G.W. Review, Points in Case, Liberty, National Review, and Art Times. He is a professor of English at Drexel University. His author site is scottsteinonline.com and you can find him on Bluesky at sstein.bsky.social.
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