Dear Max,

You wrote in your last letter that the publisher of my forthcoming complete works wishes me to append content warnings to the front matter of the book “to prevent readers from being traumatized.” I must confess, this idea that literature should not traumatize readers is new to me. After all, I did write, “I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound and stab us. If the book we’re reading doesn’t wake us up with a blow to the head, what are we reading it for?” Surely you have seen that one. Readers love to quote it on the Internet. However, as you say, these are different times. Perhaps you’re right that I am not the best judge of what is psychologically healthy. I will do as you request and provide warnings for my scribblings.

The Man Who Disappeared (also known as Amerika)

No warning needed. Most readers won’t understand enough of this to be traumatized by it.

The Trial

No warning needed. A perfectly realistic and accurate portrayal of the justice system with which readers are already familiar. Be ready to laugh!

The Castle

Warning: More maddening than trying to get through to an actual person on the cable company’s voicemail system. As futile as trying to cancel your gym membership. Lock up sharp objects.

“A Fratricide”

Warning: Murder. Just regular, ordinary murder. Ho hum.

“The Judgment”

Warning: Father-son conflict, an old man’s knobby knees, suicide. (Spoiler alert.)

“The Metamorphosis”

Warning: Father-son conflict, being late for work, apple violence. Avoid if you have malusdomesticaphobia, entomophobia, or recurring nightmares about missing your train.

“Josephine the Singer”

No warning needed if you enjoy the best of contemporary music and don’t have musophobia.

“A Report to an Academy”

Warning: Alcohol use, spitting, assimilation. Not for the pithecophobic or anyone who doesn’t like Planet of the Apes.

“A Hunger Artist”

Warning: Eating disorder, starvation, misery, death. But there’s a cool panther.

“The Burrow”

Warning: Anxiety, so much anxiety. Skip this one if you have claustrophobia, taphephobia, or cleithrophobia. Basically, any phobias. Do not read if low on Xanax.

“A Country Doctor”

Warning: Sexual assault, death, disease, festering worm-filled wound, nudity, questionable medical treatment, strange horses. Also, I might need counseling.

“In the Penal Colony”

Warning: Where do I even begin? Don’t read this.

“Letter to my Father”

Warning: My mother wouldn’t even let my father read it. But it might make you feel better about your relationship with your own father. Do you have a few hours?

Letters to Felice

Warning: It’s possible I wasn’t the best fiancé.

Diaries

Diaries? You’re publishing my diaries? That’s messed up.

My dearest Max, upon reviewing the above, I have changed my mind. Not about the warnings. If anything, the warnings are not nearly strong enough. No, I have decided that my scribblings should not be read by anyone. Please, I implore you, instead of publishing every scrap I ever wrote, burn them all.

Yours, Franz