10. A coffin – that’s the last thing I need.

9. My grandma lives in the past, but in the present she’s dead.

8. I’ll sure be glad when scientists discover a cure for natural causes.

7. The death penalty is killing people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong.

6. I have some time to kill, but not enough to dispose of the bodies.

5. Halloween is by far the safest day to kill someone and then leave them in a chair on your front porch.

4. Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire’s heart works even if the guy isn’t a vampire.

3. When I took my items up to the cashier at the spiritualist shop, there was a sign that said “Queue from other side” — so I killed myself.

2. What if the light we see at the end of the tunnel when we die is really just us being pushed out of a vagina into our next life?

1. If you really believe in reincarnation, instead of putting RIP on your tombstone, you should put BRB.
 

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10. Alcohol, because no good story starts with someone eating a salad.

9. It’s so weird, but it’s a ten-minute walk from my house to the pub, and it’s a two-hour walk from the pub to my house!

8. I don’t wake up, I come to.

7. Childhood is like being drunk: everybody remembers what you did, except you.

6. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems – but then again, neither does milk.

5. I hate it when you’re making your way home drunk, just minding your own business, and someone steps on your fingers.

4. I don’t drink to forget, I…what was I saying?

3. They say that alcohol kills you slowly, but then, who’s in a hurry?

2. It could be the wine talking, but more likely it’s Joe, the guy I have locked in the wine cellar.

1. I got pulled over for Driving While Intoxicated but, in my defense, I didn’t know I was driving.
 

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Okay, there are some mean, nasty people out there with bad ideas, and I think it might actually be a turn of good fortune that we’re seeing them so publicly lately. In general, though, I think people have good intentions. But often, good intentions aren’t good enough. [Read more →]

Tags: education, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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I’ve been walking, lately. And I’ve been walking a lot more, getting out past my usual routes of recliner-to-frig, and car-to-office. And the funny thing is, I’m LIKING it.
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Tags: ends & odd by Jeff McDonald
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10. “I couldn’t afford a Fitbit and thought this would be the next best thing.”

9. “I’m a big fan of ‘pumping’ iron.”

8. “I thought it would be a good way to meet one of those hunky firefighters.”

7. “I made a miscalculation; the 6-pound dumbbell has a bigger hole.”

6. “It’s the male equivalent of Kegels.”

5. “It takes a dumbbell to fuck a dumbbell.”

4. “I’m very nearsighted, and I honestly thought it was a cat.”

3. “I misheard something about the gym being overcrowded, and then something about cramming in a member.”

2. “I was practicing my short-range ring toss.”

1. “Well it had a hole in it, didn’t it?!”
 

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I did not realize this until recently, but I have been waiting for someone to write a series of stories around the adventures of a Jewish wizard divinely sentenced to an extended life of servitude applying his wisdom and his wit – and added abilities possible only through God’s power and indulgence – to help His Adamic Brood through a bizarre array of problems … no matter how far they have strayed from His path in the course of causing those problems.
[Read more →]

Tags: books & writing by Jeff McDonald
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PALMYRA, NJ — Palmyra High School (PHS) will be the beneficiary of $15,000 in science equipment thanks to a casino night fundraiser conducted by the Palmyra High School Foundation for Educational Excellence (PHSFEE). [Read more →]

Tags: education, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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10. The Bad, The Ugly, and the Morally Reprehensible

9. Tombstone (if Obamacare is Repealed)

8. Unforgivable

7. Once Upon a Time in the Moscow Hilton

6. 3:10 Chartered Flight to Yuma

5. The Odious Seven

4. Dances with Nazis

3. The Outlaw Jared Kushner

2. A Shitload of Dollars

1. For A Few Million More
 

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I’m confronted with what one of my boys would call a “first world problem” …

Last week, Twitter launched an experiment, expanding the number of characters allowed on posts to 280 from the original limit of 140. The test, I read later, involves a small, random group of users (a single-digit percentage of the total users). It seems I’m one of the select few.

“We few, we happy few …”

Hmmmm, happy? Maybe not … at least, not in my case,. I rather liked the 140-character limit. It was a challenge to me. Could I communicate my thoughts successfully – and succinctly! – in my tweets? It required me to stretch my vocabulary, use punctuation more effectively, and move away from rambling rants and towards brief bullet-points.

Sort of a haiku for the new millenium.

I’ll be interested in learning the results of this experiment. For my part, I’ll be contributing to the 140-character end of the bell-shaped curve (or whatever) illustrating those results.

Just because I get twice as much space doesn’t mean I have to fill it. If I have more than can be said in 140 characters, I could always post something on “When Falls the Coliseum.”

Tags: ends & odd, technology by Jeff McDonald
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10. The Lion King Kong

9. Django Undead

8. Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Predator

7. Mummy Dearest

6. The Werewolf of Wall Street

5. Jack Creature: Never Go Back

4. Hunchback Mountain

3. The Thing and I

2. My Bigfoot Greek Wedding

1. What About Blob?
 

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