10. He’s older than some of the relics he’s looking for

9. His fedora now has a chin strap

8. He’s going to carry a whip in one hand and a walking stick in the other

7. It opens with him trying to outrun a runaway shopping cart

6. In the second sequence, he comes across a jewel-encrusted hip replacement

5. There’s a fight to the death atop a Rascal scooter

4. They’re changing his name to Indiana Groans

3. They’re thinking of calling the film Raiders of the Lost Keys

2. Or Indiana Jones and the Temple of Coumadin

1. Or Indiana Jones and the…Wait, What Was I Searching For?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. It takes him 45 minutes to figure out his tip at the Bonefish Grill

9. When you point out a math error, he says, “Ahhh, five of one, half a dozen of the other.”

8. He claims bajillion is a real number

7. Instead of the IRS, he sends your completed tax return to the IRA

6. While filling out your taxes, he’s continually mumbling, “Nummers is hard!”

5. On his own tax return, he’s claiming “Johnnie Walker” as a dependent

4. He checks off the box for “joint filing,” then lights one up

3. Before every number on your tax form, he puts one of those ‘more or less’ squiggles

2. He does his math calculations in the nude, so he can count to 21

1. His “diploma” in Accounting is from Trump University
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Is it finally over? Is it done yet? Man, do I hate the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. [Read more →]

Tags: sports, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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10. “I say not in a braggadocious way: I’ve made billions of billions of dollars making deals all over the world.”

9. “Nobody knows the system better than me.”

8. “I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”

7. “Nobody would be tougher on ISIS than Donald Trump.”

6. “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”

5. “Nobody respects women more than I do.”

4. “I could be more presidential than anybody.”

3. “There’s nobody bigger or better at the military than I am.”

2. [when asked who he speaks with consistently about foreign policy] “I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”

1. “Nobody loves The Bible more than I do.”
 

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10. He has won the lifetime achievement award…twice

9. If opportunity knocks, and he’s not at home, opportunity waits

8. Once he ran a marathon because it was “on the way”

7. He can speak Russian…in French

6. He once won a staring contest with his own reflection

5. He lives vicariously through himself

4. He bowls overhand

3. Even his tree houses have fully finished basements

2. Once, while sailing around the world, he discovered a shortcut

1. When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
 

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Love, like a large bear, is unstoppable, as the surprise marriage of leading Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz proves.

“Lyin’ Ted is now Lovin’ Ted,” Trump declared at the joint announcement of their union, before resuming gazing deeply into his soul mate’s squinty eyes.

“Same-sex marriage is fundamentally illegitimate, lawless, unconstitutional… and absolutely wonderful!” Cruz squealed as he attempted to run his hands through his life partner’s lustrous orange-y mane.

Leading political analysts acknowledged they were surprised by the development.

“The data did not indicate this,” said statistician Nate Silver. “Then again, there’s one event all my fancy numbers can’t predict: love. Come back to me, Sarah!” [Read more →]

Tags: politics & government by Sean Cunningham
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