I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 444440: What’s with the trend of the growling announcer? — these TV narrators who chew their words and turn the letter S into “Sh”*, as they speak, and then end their sentences with growls? Have ye heard this, O observant minions? (It’s like James Hetfield changed careers, for Pete’s sake.) Look for these angry elocutors on ABC Family Channel and on car commercials and on Discovery channel. Is this just one guy, or another example of meatballs-for-heads nature of the average person? Oh! That is successful! I will imitate it exactly, instead of carving my own niche! And after that, I will write a book about a kid who goes to a wizard school and I will call him Larry Trotter! Oh, the Emperor will find out and then…

The Punishment: These grumbling goofballs will be given growling lessons by a real expert.  In small cage. That is locked.

*A special thank-you to faithful minion “azchurch” for reminding us about the annoying speech-trend of turning the letter S into “sh.” We blame the original 90210. (One is much better advised to spend time with 90125.)

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: television, The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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One of the things I see regularly that really gets under my skin is this bizarre sense of entitlement that so many people seem to have developed, particularly young people. I don’t know where it comes from or why it’s so pervasive, but everywhere I turn I encounter yet another example of it. In a sports-related story, we had a good illustration of it last week at West Chester University. At halftime of a basketball game between the school and Shippensburg University, a student was given the chance to win $10,000 by hitting a series of shots. According to the rules of the contest, he failed to win, despite the fact that it appeared he had indeed won. Of course, he wasn’t allowed to actually lose…a national pizza chain picked up on the uproar that followed and came up with the money for the kid. Everyone was happy…except me, of course.

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Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. It stars Meryl Streep, but not the famous one

9. It’s called Captain Phillips Milk of Magnesia

8. Adam Sandler has never been wackier

7. The world wasn’t ready for an all-gerbil version of Death of a Salesman

6. It’s rated ‘R’ for ‘Ridiculous’

5. The iPod Nano product placements detract from the prehistoric setting

4. The title contains the words “Lone” or “Ranger”

3. It stars Chris Christie in a remake of A Bridge Too Far

2. There’s no category called ‘Biggest Asshole’

1. Roger Ebert returned from Heaven just so he could give it two thumbs down
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, movies by Bob Sullivan
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 5-5: First off, there is an “I” on every team in every sport. And the “I” stands for people who carry their teams. We could give you a list, but why take up space? Second, the Emperor never could have risen to this status of world dominance and power if he had thought as part of a “team.” (Truly, the only team of which you need to be part is the one that does what it is told to do by the Emperor.) Teams? Let them concentrate on stuffing their balls into nets. The rest will go on trying to forge a path for themselves and learning to think on their own so that we don’t turn  into a world full of bees in a hive. “Team effort.” Blech.

The Punishment: Those who use the word “team” outside of a mile radius form a sports field will be force to sit for a year in what the Imperial Dungeonmaster likes to call “The Penalty Box.” (You don’t want to know.)

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Now, go forth and obey.

Tags: language & grammar, The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
5 Comments »

What’s wrong with people? I really need to know. Perhaps I should run a contest…people could send in their answers and the best answer would qualify the sender for some sort of fabulous prize, like maybe a lifetime subscription to Bad Sports, Good Sports (you really can subscribe). It’s a tough question, though, and I reserve the right to decide that none of the answers are suitable. As an example of how hard this question is, consider what has been happening to Rashaan Evans, a high school football player from Alabama, over the last couple of weeks.

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Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. “That’s the gayest opening ceremony I’ve ever seen!”

9. “I guess they’ll be taking Shaun White’s picture off all those gum packages now.”

8. “Man, the drinking water’s the same color, whether it’s going in or out of my body.”

7. “That woman curler gives great broom!”

6. “I said I’m a ‘biathlete’, not a ‘bi athlete’!”

5. “I haven’t seen this much slush since that explosion at the Icee factory.”

4. “Do you have a door knob on your side?!!”

3. “I just borrowed that guy’s ChapStick, then realized it was Bob Costas.”

2. “Why would President Putin ask me to oil up his bare chest?”

1. “Is that a microphone?”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, sports by Bob Sullivan
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10. I pray your Valentine’s Day is the best.

9. I know mine will be, if I am with you.

8. Since first we met, I know that I’ve been blessed!

7. And all the Love I felt then only grew

6. Up through today, when it is all-consuming!

5. So great, I sense that we are on the verge

4. Of something “wholly new” suddenly blooming!

3. As we two merge in an electric surge!

2. We’ll fire up, and burst on through the roof!

1. And as for Heaven, we’ll be living proof!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, living poetry by Bob Sullivan
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I landed in New Delhi, inhaled, and immediately liked India. [Read more →]

Tags: animals, ends & odd, religion & philosophy, travel & foreign lands by Jeff Scheuer
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I walk the line of liking (and, I guess believing) in youth sports while feeling that big-time sports structures in our culture are broken. What can we do? Well, stop watching. I never watch college football or basketball, on principle, for instance. Feeble gesture, indeed, and I don’t chastise friends (too much) for their viewing preferences, especially in light of my addiction to the violent, shameless NFL. But when I read a recent piece by Philadelphia Inquirer high schools spots writer Phil Anastasia about out-of-state high school football games, I was dismayed. [Read more →]

Tags: sports, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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Oh, good. It’s Olympics time again. Actually, no, it’s not good. I feel like I should care, but I don’t. Four years ago at this time, I wrote a column about how I don’t like the Olympics, and the passage of time has not changed that opinion much. This time, actually, I have found even more reasons than usual to avoid watching the games, although those are more related to the host country of Russia than they are to the athletic competitions.

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Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. Labradoodle

9. Snickerdoodle

8. Belgian Airehead

7. Kickapoo

6. Chechen Rebel

5. Lhasa Shih Tzu

4. Mexican Hairy

3. Jack Russell Crowe

2. Boston Blackie

1. Chihuahua Mastiff
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: animals, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything by Bob Sullivan
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“The only hotel in the UK with its own polo fields.” Having worked in professions that required me both to read and to write many press releases, I have come to appreciate phrases that make me say, “I have never seen quite that combination of words before.” Such is the case with Coworth Park in Ascot, England. I’ve been fortunate enough to do a fair amount of traveling and experience accommodations at a variety of quality levels, but this is the only one that made me understand the drive to build an empire.

To begin, I should note that, no matter how many times I visit Britain, I still tend to see it through the filter of film/TV. My subconscious wants to classify all of the United Kingdom as either:
–Downton Abbey
–Trainspotting

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Tags: ends & odd by Sean Cunningham
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If you are a fan of the Seattle Seahawks, Sunday night was a tremendous night for you. If you root for the Denver Broncos, it was not so good. For everyone else, it was a mixed bag, I guess. If you are a fan of competitive football, it was a big pile of garbage. There were good moments, and certainly a number of good plays (made mostly by Seattle), but as a whole, despite the largest television audience of all time, I found this to be a snoozer and an embarrassing performance by what was supposed to be the NFL’s best offense. The Seahawks trounced the Broncos, 43-8.

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Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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That today was “Four Chaplains Day” in the United States?

No? Well, you’re not alone. The 71st anniversary of that fateful night when four U.S. Army chaplains gave their lives that others might live, caused barely a ripple today. It has come and gone quietly, and largely unmarked … including by yours truly.
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Tags: religion & philosophy, trusted media & news by Jeff McDonald
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In order to give myself time to watch the Super Bowl and let it sink in, and also because I am likely to be trapped in my house due to snow on Monday, my column will appear on Tuesday morning rather than Monday morning.  See you then.

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
1 Comment »

10. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Doubles Luge

9. Snowplowing

8. Synchronized Curling

7. Bottomless Ski Jump

6. Icicle Toss

5. Chechen Rebelling

4. Nordic Hot Tub

3. Ice Hockey Free-For-All

2. Uphill Speed Skiing

1. Gay Bashing
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, sports by Bob Sullivan
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