A little over a week ago, I was sitting at the bar on Deck 5 of the Carnival Valor, listening to a story about what had caused that ship to be late in its arrival at St. Maarten a couple of days earlier. It was an interesting piece of information, and I thought it would certainly prove newsworthy … unfortunately my nose-for-news is no match for the prominent proboscises one finds in America’s major news organizations. [Read more →]
Football coaches exist at many, many levels of the sport. Kids start playing at a very young age, and there is nearly always someone standing on the sideline, working to make those kids better. At the top of the profession is the NFL. Just as being a player in the NFL is the ultimate goal of most guys who play football, coaching in the league is the dearest dream of anyone who ever held a clipboard. The thing is that even once you get there, the experience can be fleeting. The regular season ended on Sunday, and between Sunday night and Monday, five men were fired from their jobs as NFL head coaches. One of these men, Rob Chudzinski, had been coach of his team for only one season.
Due to a combination of Disney on Ice and the Eagles game (don’t ask), BSGS will be delayed a day. We’ll be back on Tuesday morning.
10. Time is the stuff that keeps everything from happening at once.
9. Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
8. I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
7. All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.
6. Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of
5. The best things in life aren’t things.
4. It’s never too early to start beefing up your obituary.
3. Don’t sweat the petty stuff. Just pet the sweaty stuff.
2. (for anyone in a relationship) Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?
1. Time is an illusion, brought to you by the manufacturers of Space.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
For years leading up to 2012, spiritual-types who were sick of the way the world was heading could take comfort in the promise of a new era that was predicted to begin on December 21 of that year. The Mayans, known for their astronomical expertise had supposedly predicted it. In addition, St. Malachy’s famous Prophesy of the Popes, which predicts when the world as we know it would end, also correlates to about the same time period. The Hopi tribe, Edgar Cayce, a book attributed to Nostradamus, hell, even The History Channel’s countless specials all pointed towards 12/21/12 as the beginning of the end times. The details differed, but whether you believed that Earth was due for a major cataclysm, a spiritual awakening, a religious reckoning and rapture, an alien visitation, a new dimension, or just an enlightened age, most people seemed somewhat excited that a major event was on the horizon. When the day finally arrived, we instead got something that came as a shock to many: absolutely nothing. Or so it would seem. [Read more →]
Twas the night before Wednesday, when all through the house,
“It’s a feature of Tuesday,” the man started to grouse.
The mockings were flung by the chummy who bear
good tidings to all, no need to despair.
The shoppers were wrestled, tho’ sick in the head,
while visions of sweet-deals they charged to their cred.
All for the purchase of some Christmas crap,
gift-giving that leads into a debt-trap. [Read more →]
On Sunday afternoon, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning broke the record for most touchdown passes in a season, reaching a total of 51 with one game still to go in the regular season. The former record of 50 was set by Tom Brady of the New England Patriots back in 2007. This incredible feat naturally led me to think about these two signal-callers and to compare their illustrious careers. [Read more →]
10. America’s Funniest Home Nutcracker Videos
9. Chris Christie’s Twelve Days of Christmas Dinners
8. The Seven Dwarfs in Whistle While You Twerk
7. University of California Davis Policeman’s Now We Spray Our Pepper Gayly
6. It’s A Wonderful Life for the One Percent
5. Rob Ford’s Santa’s Comin’ at the Crack of Dawn!
4. A Charlie Brownstein Hanukkah
3. Frostie the Puddle’s Global-Warming Denier’s Special
2. Al Jazeera’s Christmas Hoax
1. America’s Funniest Christmas Tree Fires
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
The future career of temporarily retired Ultimate Fighting Championship competitor Georges St-Pierre hinges on one simple question: will the aliens who periodically steal time from him once again use those hours wisely?
For those not in the know about mixed martial arts, GSP was a champion welterweight who for years was not only unbeaten, but largely untested.
Then he fought Johny Hendricks, a man who seems to consist entirely of fists and beard.
St-Pierre technically emerged from the fight with his 12-bout winning streak intact, taking a decision that was close, controversial, and almost certainly wrong. This win created one of the stranger spectacles in fight history as the “victorious” St-Pierre, both eyes blackened and the rest of his head either cut or puffy — Hendricks was basically untouched, except for a pair of hands grotesquely swollen from pounding on Georges — offered what seemed less a post-fight interview than a cry for help, hitting repeatedly on the themes:
-He didn’t remember much of the fight
-He needed to go away for a bit
-He no longer slept
-He was going crazy [Read more →]
Caution: The Santa-belief unblemished may find spoilers below.
The other night, while we were at dinner with a bunch of friends, my nine-year-old reportedly muttered to his 14-year-old sister, “Do you believe in Santa?” She, sharp and on her toes, said, “I do.” The little guy replied, “Well I don’t. But don’t tell mom and dad.”
So the Santa era ends for the Warnock family. [Read more →]
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 3/334-z: Ginger. Ginger is a root. It is used for giving food that naughty tinge or earthy deliciousness. In some dictionaries, maybe around the third definition, if you’re lucky, it can be a color. But it is not a noun when referring to anything other than the spice. One is not “a ginger.” One might go so far as to say one has “ginger” hair. (It’s pretentious, but allowable.) Under no circumstances, whatever, however, will it be permissible, in the Empire, to refer to one’s self (or anyone else) as “a ginger.” It’s trendy and it is annoying and the Emperor will have no more of it. Thou art a red-head. Own it or suffer the consequences.
The Punishment: Anyone heard using the word “ginger” as a noun to describe him or herself (or his or her brethren), will be ground into power, sprinkled onto human-shaped cookies, and fed (by Fofo, the Angry Red-Headed Clown [of “Finkle and Finkle’s Jolly Nightmare Circus”]) to the Imperial Tiger, Lars.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
I was having a rough day on Sunday. The Saturday evening snow had turned to ice overnight, and my driveway, which is challengingly sloped even in good weather, was basically a skating rink turned into a ramp. I decided to skip my planned 11-mile run, as not only were the trails unusable, but running on the roads of my township was bound to be extremely hazardous. An hour and a half of breaking up ice and shoveling it was completed in time to watch the Eagles lay a huge egg against a bad Minnesota Vikings team that was missing its best player. I needed a pick-me-up and I received it in spades, thanks to the Dallas Cowboys and Tony Romo, who blew a 23-point halftime lead and lost to the Green Bay Packers.
10. Gasp! – The Saran Wrap Game
9. Mr. Wizard’s Home Lobotomy Kit
8. Miss Piggy’s Swine Flu Self-Inoculator
7. Little Miss Twerker
6. Easy Bake Microwave
5. Balloon Boy’s Self-Launch Kit
4. Hospital Waste Grab Bag
3. Fisher-Price Choking Hazard
2. Jihad! – The Self-Detonation Game
1. Baby’s First Nail Gun
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
When I think of the time and space that might have been devoted over the last couple days upon people like U.S. Senator Ted Cruz or pop star Miley Cyrus, I find myself encouraged – not just in our world, but in the media that brings that world into our homes 24/7 – by the fact that we are, instead, focused upon Jorge Mario Bergoglio … a man who, as Pope Francis, “took the name of a humble saint and then called for a church of healing. The first non-European pope in 1,200 years, he is poised to transform a place that measures change by the century.”
[Read more →]
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 922105: You cannot make a story that is already long, short. So stop saying, “…to make a long story short…” It’s already long. You have already prattled and chuntered everyone into a coma. Shut up now. Make a long story stop.
The Punishment: Offenders will be beaten by the Imperial Torture Master for seven hours. Then, he will stop and walk away, saying, “…to make a long beating short…”
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
People are bad. Not all people, of course, but a lot of them. Maybe “bad” is not quite the word I am seeking…perhaps “stupid” is closer to the mark. This is the case particularly when you get a whole lot of them together and something either really good or really bad happens. Michigan State beat Ohio State to win the Big Ten title on Saturday in a thrilling game. Afterward, a large group of students set fire to a whole bunch of stuff and flipped over a car in East Lansing. I just don’t get it.
10. Green Elves and Ham
9. The Cat In the Santa Hat
8. Reindeer Slop On Pop
7. One Fish Two Fish Dead Fish Stew Fish
6. Mary Yertle Gets Fertile
5. The Fox In Socks In Your Christmas Box
4. And To Think That I Saw It On Bethlehem Street
3. Horton Hears a ‘Ho!’ (…‘Ho! Ho!’)
2. The Butterball Battle Book
1. How The Grinch Stole My Identity and Maxed Out My Credit Cards
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
A couple weeks ago I was in Boston at the conference of the National Council of Teachers of English. I was there to talk about MOOCs and to serve in my new role as a member of the NCTE editorial board. Among these thousands of mostly high school and grammar school English teachers, I found lots of great conversations. The Common Core hung, like smoke, over much of them. [Read more →]
College football drives me crazy. Don’t get me wrong, there were some tremendous games this holiday weekend, including some huge upsets and some wins that meant a lot to me personally (thanks Penn State!). Football at the college level, as a game, is tremendous. The structure of the postseason is a total mess, of course, and has been for years. The unfortunate part this week is that college football managed to find a way to rob me of the enjoyment of something that I would have loved in past years, which is chaos.
10. You just woke up from your tryptophan coma
9. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy came out
8. You had so many helpings of mashed potatoes, you set off another famine in Ireland
7. Everyone in Jersey keeps calling you “Governor”
6. All your pets are missing
5. Both Ben and Jerry have friended you on Facebook
4. The Republicans are trying to shut down your mouth
3. You needed the Jaws of Life to get out of your Barcalounger
2. In the movie Gravity, you are clearly visible sitting in your backyard
1. You tried twerking, and set off an earthquake in Guatemala
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
