The Emperor decrees an end to long hair in the NFL
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. NFL2013: The Emperor has long been disenchanted with the NFL. (He can no longer stand the whoosh-whoosh of the robot football player graphics and the folly of players who are so eager to celebrate that they spike the ball before crossing into the endzone. And stuff like that.) Still, as a show of love to his minions who enjoy such things, he has graciously allowed the plastic and peacockish hullabaloo to go on. He must, however, now step in. The puffs of Predator hair (yes, the Emperor was a child of the eighties) billowing out from under the helmets might have been pretty cool up until the four-hundredth guy did it. What was once a visual with impact; what was once a defiance against convention is now the equivalent of the fifth Dracula costume at the Halloween bash.
The Punishment: The Imperial Headsman will be offering free “haircuts” to all NFL players who haven’t corrected this follical violation by Sunday, next.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
Latest posts by Chris Matarazzo (Posts)
- Book Review: An Encyclopedia of Tolkien - October 14, 2019
- The Emperor decrees an end to positive comments about “selfies” - June 16, 2015
- The Emperor decrees that graduation clichés will cease - June 9, 2015
- The Emperor decrees that all official documents will be printed in Comic Sans - March 24, 2015
- The Emperor decrees that the letter “E” shall no longer be spoken as an “A” - February 10, 2015
Print This Post
Remember the 70’s, O Great One, when afros were large enough to produce their own gravitational pull? And when the player would take off his helmet there was a reverse imprint of the helment lining – including earholes – on the afro?
Maybe that was why some of those players avoided the perils of Post-Concussion syndrome. All those curls certainly provided ample cushion.
I do indeed, Brian. Perhaps, in the interest of the health of my footballish minions, I might consider allowing — NAY! ENCOURAGING! — afros again… Surely the outward growth must be more protective than the downward growth…
A very benevolent and inspired move. All hail the Wisdom of the Emperor! A power pick in every pocket!