Earlier this week, the ridiculously pathetic NCAA made a positive move by deciding to reduce the sanctions against the Penn State football program. This is another story that straddles the line between Good Sports and Bad Sports, in my opinion. The good part is that it at least partially makes up for the wildly inappropriate and totally unfair penalties levied upon the program last year by NCAA president Mark Emmert and his gang of cronies. The bad part is that the reasoning that was given for the reduction is a bunch of lies that were intended to make the NCAA look good and effective in some way. [Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. “Have you accepted Jesus into your life?”

9. “I’m kinda contagious, so it’d be best if you keep ten feet away.”

8. “I’m majoring in Whole Beef Butchering, so my homework might get a little messy.”

7. “Wanna see my Anthony Weiner impression?”

6. “No matter what you hear, don’t open that closet!”

5. “Who do you think is the cutest hunk in One Direction?”

4. “Seriously, my Silent-But-Deadlies have been known to peel paint off the walls.”

3. “I have a tendency to walk in my sleep and do this ‘stabby’ thing.”

2. “Do you want to be on the top or the bottom – and no, we don’t have bunk beds.”

1. “You got a real purdy mouth.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. NFL2013: The Emperor has long been disenchanted with the NFL. (He can no longer stand the whoosh-whoosh of the robot football player graphics and the folly of players who are so eager to celebrate that they spike the ball before crossing into the endzone. And stuff like that.) Still, as a show of love to his minions who enjoy such things, he has graciously allowed the plastic and peacockish hullabaloo to go on. He must, however, now step in. The puffs of Predator hair (yes, the Emperor was a child of the eighties) billowing out from under the helmets might have been pretty cool up until the four-hundredth guy did it. What was once a visual with impact; what was once a defiance against convention is now the equivalent of the fifth Dracula costume at the Halloween bash.

The Punishment: The Imperial Headsman will be offering free “haircuts” to all NFL players who haven’t corrected this follical violation by Sunday, next.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: sports, The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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Dang kids and their confounded digital whatchamacallits! I mean, it’s exgasperating when they’re out there all the time Chirping, Twitching, Facenoting on the old InterWeb. It’s even dangerous, as this kids-go-bump-in-the day story about cellphone-using Penn zombies shows.

[Read more →]

Tags: technology, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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Emotions run high in sports. This is true whether you are just a fan or if you are an actual participant. As I imagine every one of you out there knows, when you are emotional, you often say things that you might not otherwise say. A regular person has a shot to get away with that, as there aren’t usually hordes of people hanging on his every word. A player or a coach has no such luck, however, as someone has a microphone or recording device at every turn when people want to know what you have to say. Nebraska head football coach Bo Pellini found that out the hard way this week when a 2 year old recording of him surfaced in which he cursed out fans of the Cornhuskers, among others.

[Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. Advanced Keg Tapping

9. How to Make a Sock Puppet

8. Top Five Best-Selling CliffsNotes

7. Addition

6. Your Ass versus A Hole in the Ground – Comparing and Contrasting

5. Bong Maintenance

4. How Best to Invest Your Under-the-Table Money

3. Book Coloring

2. Candy Crush for Beginners

1. Team Mascots: Are Their Heads Really That Big?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, education by Bob Sullivan
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I’m very excited about a new app coming out that is completely ahead of its time. It’s called GoogleFuture and it’s amazing. Applying the process of quantum computing, the app enables you to Google search anything, from any time period—including the future. And not just the future of your current timeline, but any possible future. Imagine being able to do a search on yourself to see what becomes of you based on certain choices and decisions—which job brought more success, which partner brought a more lasting relationship, which path brought the most fulfillment. With GoogleFuture there will be no more uncertainty, and really, no need for this article. Truth be told however, there actually are no plans for GoogleFuture, or anything similar, anytime soon as far as I know. But being able to figure out your destiny is really just as easy. Maybe, even easier. [Read more →]

Tags: religion & philosophy by Marc Oromaner
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 54321: The world is a cold place, full of ticking machines and plastic surfaces. And it is teeming with acquaintances that people are calling “friendships.” This must change, for it makes the Emperor (a real teddy bear of an all-powerful monarch) sad. The Emperor will keep this simple: He has been informed by the Imperial Psychologist that if those among us who refer to their myriad acquaintances as “dear friends” are eliminated, it will exponentially increse the level of human warmth and sincere interaction among the general populace. Therefore, all those who have “dear” friends (numbering above, say, two) will report to the Imperial dungeons by Friday.

The Punishment: Those caught using the term beyond the prescribed parameters will be put — barefoot and naked — into a chilly dungeon cell with a stone statue of a smiling person for their only company. Violators may hug their marble companion as often and as intimately as they wish.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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Due to a family situation, Bad Sports, Good Sports will not appear this week.  We will return with more fun sports news at this time next week.

If you are looking for some quick links of interest, check out:

A total mess at Oklahoma State

High school football player rips opponent’s helmet off and beats him with it

Bench-clearing brawl due to showboating pitcher

Broncos linebacker Von Miller in trouble and in more trouble

NASCAR surprises me and takes steps to correct some wrongs

Jim Furyk fires 59 at BMW

Bad sports, good sports appears every Monday

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. Run for Your Lives!!!!

9. Magnum Farce

8. Don’t Fire Until You See…Nothing

7. Bang the Gun Slowly

6. The Blind Sidearm

5. Is That a Gun In Your Pocket, or Are You Glad to Hear Me?

4. 20/400 .45

3. Deadeye

2. Random Acts of Blindness

1. A Shot in the Dark
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, on the law by Bob Sullivan
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For Karen the Small Press Librarian, I recently exchanged interviews and e-mails with Dave Newman, author of Raymond Carver Will Not Raise Our Children. It’s an academic novel about life off the tenure track for a working family with children in Pittsburgh, and I recommend it to anyone interested in the lives of college teachers, parents, and writers. In passing, Dave mentioned that when he was growing up in western Pennsylvania, it was common for boys to fist-fight at carnivals and county fairs, and then he wondered if he wasn’t the only person he knew who used the expression “fist fight.” So that led to my own ruminations on the subject, whether or not to add a hyphen or make it one word, and I also remembered that long before I became a hulking literary menace, able to beat down an entire capitalist higher-educational economy with a work of fiction, I was just another scrawny white boy, geeky and shy, terrified that I’d have to fight in public or fight at all. [Read more →]

Tags: animals, family & parenting, terror & war by Alex Kudera
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So all you hear about is how important it is for children to read books. But should they also love to read? And if they don’t?… [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting by Scott Warnock
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 4576: The Emperor is back from his European tour of historic torture chambers. Lots of new ideas from the old masters… Keep that in mind, if you think to complain about his having missed a few weeks…

Hear ye, O Tripe of The Earthly Cow!

Henceforth, guys named “Al” are forbidden to adopt (or to have given to them) the nickname “Big”. Yes, that’s it. Yes, this is my big comeback post. Think about it. It is bad enough when one is stuck with a name that one may or may not like. Isn’t it worse, still, to then adorn said name with a dead-on-arrival cliché – a worthless adjective that has been schlepped about by a hundred-million other corpulent (and/or towering) fops over the years? How about “Corpulent Al” or “Tall Al” or “Macho Al” or even “Large Al”? Enough with the big.

The Punishment: Anyone caught going around with this ubiquitous nickname will be renamed by the Imperial Dungeon Keeper as: “Locked In The Imperial Dungeons Al.” Sure, it’s less bouncy, but it will at least be almost narratively descriptive – sort of a succinct biography of the rest of Al’s life…

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: language & grammar, The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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I like to think of sports as being pure, at least as far as the integrity of the results. Fakery, result-fixing, and shadiness are for things like professional wrestling. When I see something in a sport I love that smacks of cheating and a less than legitimate outcome, it makes me sad. I know it is foolish of me to believe that a whole lot of this stuff does not go on regularly, but I can’t help it. I need this stuff to be real. This week, I have reason to question NASCAR. [Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. The photo on the cover of the college catalogue was once Tweeted by Anthony Weiner

9. The school sells degrees on the Internet for $49.95 (plus shipping and handling)

8. The only books in the library are by James Patterson

7. Your admissions test was drawing a pirate and a turtle

6. ABC’s “The Lookout” has cameras all over campus

5. The football coach is Jerry Sandusky’s brother

4. Your grade is based on tipping the professor

3. The school mascot is Sammy the Slug

2. The much-ballyhooed “sports complex” is actually just a tire swing and some croquet hoops

1. Last year’s commencement speaker was Honey Boo Boo’s mother
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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I know that I have recently written about Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel, as well as about the NCAA, an organization that is coming apart at the seams. I hate to repeat subjects in short order, but it is impossible for me to avoid writing about them this week. There are so many facets to this story that I feel like I would not be doing my job if I didn’t put forth my opinion on what happened this week down in College Station, starting with the absurd penalty levied against Manziel by the NCAA for his autograph shenanigans, and ending with the complete douchebaggery of Manziel’s performance against Rice on Saturday in his team’s opener.

[Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. Bingo caller

9. Mansion sitter

8. French fry salesman outside Chris Christie’s house

7. Spa reviewer

6. Adam Sandler’s acting coach

5. Utah bartender

4. Cheese shop toilet repairman

3. Whatever the hell it is Vanna White does

2. Wading pool lifeguard

1. Anthony Weiner’s acceptance speech writer
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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