The Emperor decrees that YouTube commenters must be eliminated

The Emperor decrees that YouTube commenters must be eliminated

Posted on June 25th, 2013 by Chris Matarazzo

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 559944: The Emperor has thought long and hard about ways to raise the average intelligence quotient of the general populace. He has has had several ideas, ranging from sending the Air Force to attack pop concerts to having the Imperial assassins stationed on rooftops pick-off people who make particular wardrobe choices. While each of these solutions would certainly be effective, they might not be, strictly-speaking, ethical. But, if those who were eliminated were, without question, deserving of elimination, who could complain? Therefore, having concluded that the lowest form of human beings are, without question, YouTube commenters, the Emperor will target them. The world should no longer be forced to endure “dude – your [sic] a retard” or pseudo-intellectual intonations of “clearly, you know nothing about music if you think that so-and-so is a bad guitarist.” The trigger comment for the Emperor’s new decree was this one: “Dude, you’re 30m away and the camera is shaking like you’re in the middle of the battle. I’d make a better video with my dick.” (This was in response to a video of Anthony Kiedis in a scuffle with security guards at Philadelphia’s “Four Seasons” hotel [which, by the way, most of the commenters referred to as a “motel.”]) This is absurd. Everyone knows male genetalia can neither record nor store video data. (Though, admittedly, it would be cool. But I imagine there would be a whole different dynamic to family videos. “Dad! What the hell are you doing? — oh, I forgot. Haaaaiii! Merry Christmas!!!”)

The Punishment: Just click the mouse to submit a YouTube comment and you will find out.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...