The Emperor decrees that smush-names are no longer allowed for businesses
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 29833: “KenSue’s Deli.” It’s out of business, but the faded plastic sign still swings outside. The Emperor passes it every day on the way to the Imperial Office. It is our infallible opinion that the reason the place is closed is because the wise minions of the Emperor refuse to go to a delicatessen with such a stupid name; they are disgusted by the saccharine ooziness of some kissy-faced couple who thought it would be cute to combine their names instead of just calling it “Ken and Sue’s Deli,” like sane people would. The Emperor sees too much of this name combination in businesses when people can’t come up with something better. It’s silly. Be creative.
The Punishment: Violators of this decree will have their business names changed by the Imperial Psychologist. Hence, a deli called “KenSue’s” might have its name changed to “Rat Sandwich.” An air conditioning repair company might have its name changed to “Hot-n-Sweaty, Limited.” A daycare called “JaneTom’s Happy Hoppy Land” will, henceforth, be called, “Knives and Razors, Day(more-or-less)care.” Be creative, minions. Be creative. You don’t want to have your mobile dog grooming business renamed to “Jugular Slash Grooming.” Do you?
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
Latest posts by Chris Matarazzo (Posts)
- Book Review: An Encyclopedia of Tolkien - October 14, 2019
- The Emperor decrees an end to positive comments about “selfies” - June 16, 2015
- The Emperor decrees that graduation clichés will cease - June 9, 2015
- The Emperor decrees that all official documents will be printed in Comic Sans - March 24, 2015
- The Emperor decrees that the letter “E” shall no longer be spoken as an “A” - February 10, 2015
Alas, m’lord most exalted, there may be an uprising ‘mongst the minions of Iraan and Balmorhea, Texas … villages in the Lone Star fiefdom of your Imperial Estate.
:-)
Hey, even the Emperor knows when to draw the line, Jeff. He’s not messin’ with Texas!